Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Can't Seem To Get Back To Normal


seaheather

Recommended Posts

My much-loved mother passed away on August 24 at the age of 93. She had been failing for several months leading up to her death, and was receiving in-home care from Hospice. Her family.... children, grandchldren and greatgrandchildren.... were with her at the time she left this world. While it was a privilege to be with her and to be holding her hand, I haven't been able to get over it. She knew we loved her, and she expressed her love for us as well

There were no unsaid things that should be weighing on my heart, and yet I can't seem to let go of guilt. My husband and I had planned a vacation in September. I seriously considered cancelling, even though I know my mother would have been upset if we had done that. We went, and I am ashamed to say I enjoyed the time away and meeting new people. When we got home, we went back to help my brother go through my mother's personal effects. I believe it was beneficial having a few weeks between the time of my mother's death and having to face the task of going through her desk and her dresser. It was still heartbreaking, but we got through it.

My problem now is that I can't seem to get back to my normal routine. The things I used to enjoy.... reading, sewing, knitting..... hold little appeal. I've been avoiding all of it. I've become addicted to playing an online Scrabble game, which lets me think of nothing else but how to use my letter tiles. When I think of my mother I can't help but cry and feel guilty for things I can't even define.

Is this normal? I so want to be back to my cheerful self.

Karen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Karen, my dear, all I can tell you is that yes, feeling guilty for things you can't even define is normal following the death of someone dearly loved.

While the details of this daughter's story may differ a bit from yours, I think you will find the response I wrote to her has relevance for you, too: Guilt In The Wake Of A Parent's Death ~ and make sure that you read some of the Related Articles listed at the base of the article as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. My mom passed at the age of 92 on August 21. I'm also addicted to on line Scrabble. But the similarities end there...I don't have a husband, he died long ago. No vacations. Alone and struggling. I would think your mom would be so glad for you to still be living, sharing time with your husband while you can, enjoying yourself, that's what she'd want for you.

I hope you can realize that guilt is a normal grief response, but that doesn't mean it's deserved or earned. I hope you can work through this so you can enjoy your time that you have with your husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Karen,

I am a new member, and this is my first posting. You touched my heart, so I want to tell you that I am truly sorry your mother passed away. My heart goes out to you. Losing one's mother can hurt so badly. I remember how badly I hurt when my mother died on 20 June 1989. I remember how painful going through her belongings was as we decided what to keep as keepsakes, what to give to family, and what to give to charity. I still miss her, although she died long ago. She was my friend, was full of fun, and had a smile that could melt a rock.

I was her caregiver for twenty years. The last five years, she required total care (feeding, bathing, diapering). Even as devoted as I was to my mother, I wrestled with guilt because I did, or did not do, certain things. In truth, I doted on my mother, yet I kept thinking of what else I should have done for her that I neglected to do. I still find myself wishing I had done even more, but I know I'm being unreasonable. I didn't realize until recently that guilt is common while grieving is raw and new.

My husband, daughter, and I went to visit my mother one night, and she asked us to please stay a little longer as we were getting ready to leave. I explained that we could not, because we had dinner reservations. She died that night. We all struggle with guilt for leaving her. I believe remorse is what we really feel, for we could not have known we would never see her alive again.

You are blessed to have a loving, close family. I agree with KayC that your mom would be so glad for you to still be living, and enjoying your husband and your life.

Regarding your loss of interest in things you enjoy, in time, you will enjoy your hobbies again. I am going through a grief right now that causes me to avoid particular things, and to lose interest in my sewing, painting, and genealogical research/writing. You have your Scrabble to keep your mind focused, and I read to keep from grieving. If I'm "living" the life of someone else, I am not thinking of my pain---or the pain to come. I am also in anticipatory grief. By God's grace, and the support we receive from friends, including our new friends on this site, we will manage our grief.

Blessings,

Carrie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I try to strike a balance, continue to show interest in things I always do, but sometimes it's a struggle. It took longer than I care to admit to be able to read a book all the way through, and I've had my ups and downs with enjoying my art work, but little by little life is coming back...I don't want to discourage anyone by how long it took me, everyone's journey is unique and we all cope differently, have different things in our lives also affecting our adjustment.

Now I have my mom gone too and it hits esp. as I enter the holiday season and she isn't here...I want to go visit her as I did the last few years she had dementia.

Carrie, you were a caregiver for a very long time, I've never done it for longer than nearly three years...that seemed like a very long time when I was in it. We have no way of knowing when they're going to die, and meanwhile we do have to keep living our lives, which is hard enough...I hope you're able to let go of the feelings of guilt and realize you needed some time for yourselves if you were to be able to be there for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KayC,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I was my mother's caregiver for a long time. I do forgive myself, yet the memory surely makes me wish I could have a "Do over." For most of those years, I didn't understand I was a caregiver. I just did what was needed after my father died.

Regarding the word "caregiver," I had a surprising and strong reaction to the word in January 2013 when my husband, Jerry, was in Step Down in the hospital. He was in total liver failure due to a 9-centimeter aneurysm in his hepatic artery, which we were told was inoperable. We were told that he was almost certain to die. I believe you said that you were "frantic" when you were losing your husband. That well-describes me at the time (and many times since). I begged God to let me go with him, for the pain seemed too hard to bare.

I was standing in the hall, just outside Jerry's room, with my daughter and the doctor, when the social worker came to ask who Jerry's caregiver was. My daughter said, "She is," and pointed to me. I was surprised to hear myself referred to as Jerry's caregiver, although the nurses were allowing me to do all of his CNA work. I emphatically denied it. I said, "I am not his caregiver. I am his wife. My duties as his wife have changed, but I am not his caregiver." I am not sure why I had such a reaction. Maybe someone knows why I couldn't accept that position.

I thought I had only a few days to be his wife, and I didn't think I could bare the loss. I was resisting with all my heart. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready, and I'm so very afraid. Sometimes I think I manage well, yet there are long stretches of time that I am simply terrified. We have been married for 46 years. I don't know how to do this. I don't know that I CAN do this.

Jerry's doctors did some procedures that had never been tried before, and he lived. He has a rare condition that his doctors have never seen before; therefore, we have no prognosis. They didn't think it was possible for him to live; he almost didn't live; and they continue to be surprised that he still lives. The uncertainty causes sustained high anxiety.

I planned to post first on the Anticipatory Grief forum, but I couldn't help but reach out to Karen regarding her mother. I will write on the other forum soon.

I have read, with interest, some of your writing. Thank you for caring for hurting people. I know you hurt also, and I am sorry that you have been through so much.

Blessings,

Carrie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe it wasn't so much that you didn't want to accept the position as you wanted to be first and foremost, his wife.

You can do this the same as all of us have...one day at a time. I'm glad you still have him with you, I'd give anything to be my husband's caregiver, but that wasn't a choice that was mine. When you are ready (to post on anticipatory), we'll be there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi,

Thank you SO much. Because I do still have him with me, I was /am hesitant to write anything, yet I'm scared and live in dread and fear. I need people who can understand. I walked with Jerry to the precipice of a great cliff called Death, and we stayed there for weeks. He was expected to die at any moment for weeks in the hospital. I say that without exaggeration. It's what we were being told. They are still watching him with surprise that he still lives. This does not feel good at all---for either of us. I feel like I've seen the preview, and I don't want to see the movie. Somehow I think you will understand what I mean by that statement.

Jerry and I went to see a psychiatrist a few times after he was discharged from the hospital, but he is 70 miles away, and Jerry can't drive that far. I have Meniere's Diease with vertigo too severe to be a safe driver. We live in in a rural subdivision (sort an isolated area) in the forest in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California.

We lost our little Ashely Rose Dachshund on October 10 to kidney disease. She was our baby and our therapy. She was fourteen. We grieve so hard for her. She slept in the crook of my left arm since she was a baby. I know I'm on the wrong forum to talk about her. I hurt too badly to write much about her. I just wanted you to know.

I also want to tell you that my mother was much closer to her older children than to me until the last five years of her life. I think the reason may be that she gave birth to me later in life. I think she expected her older daughters to take care of her. I was the spare, and I spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to her. She loved me, but wasn't as close to me as to her older children until the last few years of her life. At that time, she became very close to me. She did not tell me until sometime during the last five years that my father had told her to come to me after his death in 1969. My father knew that I would treat her more as he treated her (dote on her with a happy heart). I really would have been so happy if either of my parents had told me that my father trusted me with her care. I needed to hear it. I cried when I was told.

I really am ever-so-grateful that I can be Jerry's caregiver. You are right in saying that I wanted to be his wife foremost. The word made me feel that the end was imminent (just as the doctor had just told us). It was the end that I couldn't accept. The work, I do more than gladly. I thank God for the opportunity. It's dreading the day that I don't have the opportunity that is scaring me stupid.

Thanks for caring.

Blessings,

Carrie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, this place was totally here for me when my mom got dementia...it was a long journey, and the people here understood. It helped so much to be able to write the things I was going through, including my fears, and know that I was understood...and cared about. You can write about your dog here too, it might be easier for you to put it all in one thread instead of in different ones. It's very hard losing your dog, I know, they are some of the closest family we have, I'm sorry you're going through so much at once. And I'm so glad you got that validation from your parents! My mom wasn't able to put things into words before she died, but I know she loved me and regretted some of the things she did in her life. It's been good to work through it all here and I was able to be in a good place by the time I had to face her death.

I know what you're saying...I would have gladly taken care of George had I had that opportunity. Sometimes I see a reason in things, but more often than not, I can't help but feel things just randomly happen. It's hard to see a reason in losing someone you love.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

Carrie,

I think it's that you, for lack of a better word, simply knew that while you could be your mother's caregiver, simply because you are a wife, does not directly mean you could be a caregiver to your husband. Completely different dynamics.

I remember when taking care of my mom, the hospice nurse would come in, I would introduce myself as her daughter, and also state that I am an RN. One replied "well what am I doing here?" I was too stunned to reply "because this is my mother!" Simply because I'm a nurse doesn't mean I will not need someone else to ASSIST me in her care.

I just see it as a different dynamic of caring for your mother, than your husband.

Hope that helps you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...