Having A Full Blown Anxiety Attack

[R.Everit55]

It's 5am and I am having a full blown anxiety attack. I have never had depression, anxiety, or anything like this. My wife is suffering from ALS. Late stages. Was misdiagnosed. But she is holding her own. So why I'm here at 5am with anxiety I've never suffered before is frankly freak ing me out.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. I cannot be like this i have to be strong for Mary and our family. I cannot let her down. I cannot show weakness, or she will panic. I'm her husband. It's my job to be strong and hold everything together.

Thanks for listening,

Butch.

[sharirouse]

Its possible that all of the stress and emotions you have been feeling are finally seeping out. I am so sorry you are going through this but you need to let some of them out. Expressing emotion isnt weakness. You can hold everything together but you need to let some steam off!

I was in denial forever about my dad having cancer and I finally had to face it when he died. Let it out. Admit that you are scared (or whatever you are) and know that you too will get through it.

I never showed any emotion about my dads illness until a month before he died because I couldnt hold it in any longer. Its ok to be sad and scared. go somewhere to collect your thoughts and let it out. I cry in the middle of the night or at the bottom of the shower.

Let it out and pick yourself up off the ground because you can do this. It freaking sucks but you both can do this.

[enna]

Hi Butch,

Oh my goodness, you have every right to feel what you are feeling right now. You are going through one of the most difficult times of your life. You have been dealing with your Mary’s illness for many months now and sometimes, we who have been caregivers, just crumble and need some love and attention for ourselves.

I understand about your not wanting to show weakness and about wanting to be strong. However, there are times when we have to turn to ourselves and say ~ I have to take care of myself so I can continue to care for my Mary.

You will in no way be “letting her down” if you need some down time for yourself. I hope you have some outside help to give you some relief. Call on the family to come in and give you some respite or if they can’t then perhaps some outside help can take some of the pressure off of you. This is not weakness, Butch, this is recognizing that you are human and your Mary will understand. If you do not take loving care of yourself you will not be able to continue to “hold everything together.”

I am glad you came here for you know how very much we care for you. Sometimes just talking relieves some of the “anxiety” you are feeling.

Holding you close as we continue to hold your Mary. Give her a big hug from me.

Anne

[R.Everit55]

Thank you both.

Anne, yes I've got Hospice here. But Mary gets very unsettled if I am not with her all the time. The ALS is like a prison for her. Her body is failing. But her mind is fully aware. I have our son coming over in a couple hours. I am going to try to get away while he is here with her. I need to talk to hospice about help for myself. I'm overtired. I am so in tune to Mary that I get hyper vigilant about everything. I am trying so hard to make more time in the day because time is precious right now. Only that is an impossible feat.

I'm going to take a shower as my sweets will be awake soon.

Butch

[MartyT]

My dear Butch, I can only add my voice to Anne's and to Shari's, giving you encouragement and permission to take care of YOU first so you will have the energy and the strength to care for your beloved. I suspect that 99% of your anxiety attack stems from the fact that you are physically and emotionally exhausted. (There is a reason why sleep deprivation is the most effective form of torture ~ We simply cannot function if we don't get enough sleep!) I'm so sorry this is happening to you and to Mary, and I hope you can work with your hospice team to find a way to give yourself some respite. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Butch,

I want to add my voice in of encouragement to others in recommending that you must take care of YOU first, and that you must get enough sleep, and more rest, so that you can continue to function. I know how easy it is to fall into the 24/7 caregiver mode, and I am glad you are recognizing that you need some respite from being a full-time 100% caregiver. I hope Hospice can help you to find more ways to rest and especially sleep. Take care of you, dear one.

My love to you and Mary, and know that you are both in my prayers and good intentions for today and always.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

Butch,

I agree with what everyone has said here, we must first take care of ourselves or we won't be able to be here for someone else. You need some time away, even if only an hour. Is there anyone who can sit with her a while, while you get out? It helps to just be able to breathe fresh air. I was my MIL's caretaker nearly three years while she was bedridden with cancer. She couldn't do anything for herself. It was all time consuming and very hard on myself, husband, small children. Life seemed anything but normal. But I look back on it as a very special close time with her, and I'm glad I did it. I badly needed time away and I think that's the thing caregivers struggle with the most...we are selfless and giving and somehow feel we can't take time for ourselves, but we need to. Do you have a church or someone who can step in and help some?

I suffer from anxiety so am very familiar with it, I'm more acquainted with it in the wee hours (2-4 am) when my head won't turn off. I usually get up and do something. Sometimes I get back to sleep, sometimes I don't.

[R.Everit55]

Thank you so much everyone.

I got out for a few hours this morning. I hospice was kind enough to arrange to be here more during the night hours now. I have horrible guilt. Mary cannot settle unless I am laying with her. And she certainly cannot fall asleep unless I'm there. However, once she is asleep, she generally stays asleep for the most part. I will go to the other room and try very hard to sleep a few hours each night. The caregivers will let me know if she wakes and I will get her back to sleep.

Hospice also is setting me up with a therapist and a psychiatrist ASAP.

I'm so thankful for these people. I wouldn't make it without them. And our son and DIL as well.

Mary is still having fairly good awake hours. She just doesn't like when I am not there. Guilt is playing such a huge role.

Thank you all.

She is napping so I am going to try the same.

Butch

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, for your own sake and for Mary's sake, you must acknowledge that the guilt you are feeling is irrational and totally unjustified. If you neglect your own self-care, in some ways it is worse than neglecting Mary's, because you won't be able to bring your best self to her and care for her with the loving kindness that she needs from you. At the very least, find a way to tolerate all that guilt you're feeling, and get the rest you need anyway. And if you need someone to give you permission to rest and keep reminding you that YOU need sleep too, and someone to tell that guilt to go jump in the lake, just drop in here and we will be happy to do that for you! ♥

[R.Everit55]

Marty, yes I will definitely need help and reminders to tell the guilt in my heart to go jump in a lake.

Tonight my love had to be put on oxygen. Her breathing is labored, painful, and O2 stats dropped. She has also started on Baclofen for her muscles because they are becoming rigid and painful with the paralysis in them. Her legs. Her arms are painful but she still has some mobility in them. The dr has given her 3 to maybe 6 mos. She has been on Rilutek which is given usually early on in diagnosis to help slow down the progression. But being the beginning of the later stages, it really won't do much.

She is sleeping now, breathing more comfortably with the oxygen. I told myself after she has gone to sleep I would take myself away to the other bedroom to try to sleep myself. It's just so very hard to leave her side. I've got a remarkable hospice gal here all night. But the guilt is overwhelming. And I must be honest, I am so afraid to go off on my own that I will simply fall apart and I am not one to cry or get scared or fall apart in that manner.

I will do my best to make time for me.

Thank you all.

Butch

[MartyT]

My dear Butch, it takes an awful lot of energy to hold yourself together, and that could be contributing to your anxiety and your exhaustion too.

I wonder what would happen if you did "go off on your own" (to the other bedroom or alone in the shower) where you could (in private) deliberately and intentionally let yourself "fall apart." Usually the fear of "falling apart" comes from the fear that you won't be able to pull yourself back together again ~ but that is not likely to happen at all. You are far stronger than you think you are. Look what you've been through already!

Your comments remind me of this post from a reader who was afraid of putting herself in a position where she might "lose it" in front of others. The circumstances she describes are different from yours, but still I invite you to read my response to her to see if any of it seems to fit for you. See especially the quote from Lynne Caine ~ and take a look at some of the Related Articles at the base of the post, too. Facing Another Funeral Without 'Falling Apart'

[MartyT]

I just stumbled upon this article (and video) via PsychCentral. It offers one of the most graphic explanations for anxiety's effects on the body that I've ever seen:

Why Does Anxiety Feel So Bad? Explained in 98 Seconds

[enna]

GREAT visual, Marty.

[kayc]

Butch, Mary's response is right on and speaks for all of us. I'm glad hospice will be there a little more. You need your sleep if you're to be able to care for her in the day. What are you doing about your job?

[R.Everit55]

Marty, thank you for the links and resources. I will look at the second resource you left when I have more time. I've read the first one multiple times already. I relate to the feeling of Humpty Dumpty and all the Kings men not being able to put me back together again.

Kay, my boss has me on extended family leave. I do want to go back when the time is right. I just can't right now. Not with Mary so ill. And the quick decline she is in. And that will most likely be after this horrific disease claims her earthly life. Thankfully I still have medical insurance. I have been able... Until very recently... To do work from home on the computer. But I simply cannot continue that right now. My boss is one of the most generous and understanding people I've met. He's got my back (and our back).

Mary is having a painful day. So things are very trying.

I saw a dr today and he started me on two medications. Lexapro and Klonopin. To help with anxiety and depression.

Will keep in touch as I can.

Butch

[kayc]

I'm glad you have such an empathetic boss, they are rare!

Good luck with the medicines!

[R.Everit55]

So I just spent five hours in the ER. Apparently I am allergic to Klonopin. I couldn't breathe and got hives. I'm home now. I will have to try another anxiety med but in a few days after I calm down from reaction to Klonopin.

Mary had to have her Oxygen increased earlier this evening. Not the best sign.

Anyway, Goodnight.

[kayc]

Oh Butch, not what you needed! Your anxiety is possibly related to the situation you're in rather than GAD, hopefully it will lessen eventually. I'm so sorry you had to spend five hours in the ER! Our medical care is not what it should be.

[R.Everit55]

Yes it's definitely not generalized anxiety disorder. I've never had depression or anxiety in my life. This is the response to fear. I am ok taking the lexapro but I won't feel effects for a week or two. And Monday I will start Xanax for the anxiety. They want me to wait to fully recover from the allergy to klonopin.

My sweetness seems to be more comfortable now with the muscle relaxants and pain med. But her breathing is requiring more oxygen. This isn't a great sign. We know once her respirations start failing, that it is close to the end. But we also know she could remain as she is for several weeks and not go into further respiratory distress. She is sleeping comfortably. My sleeping beauty.

And I am going to try to get some ZZZZ's while she is. As of right now, hospice is here round the clock.

Goodnight. God bless. Prayers for all.

[enna]

I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this, Butch. An allergy to any medication is very scary.

I am so glad that hospice is with you around the clock, but am sad that they have to be there at all.

You know that you have many watching with you as you care for your Mary. We are there with you and are holding your Mary close to our hearts.

Please mention our names to Mary. She will remember who we are. She was such an angel caring for Shannon.

Rest and get as much sleep as you can.

Anne

[kayc]

I'm glad hospice is there to help you. We didn't have hospice for my friend, Dennis, but we had enough people in the church to go around.

I hope you sleep well and dream of your angel.

[R.Everit55]

The last 24 hours have been exhausting. My love suffered a pulmonary embolism yesterday afternoon. The hospice nurse suspected immediately what it was when her bp crashed, her respirations went way up to nearly 90, she turned bluish pale and ashy and had cold sweats. The ambulance arrived quickly and she was in the ER so fast. She has been on medication to dissolve, hopefully fully, the large blood clot and she is on constant heparin and will remain on a constant drip of it even once back home. It was very scary but I thank God for Hospice. And quick action. This is something that easily could have very quickly killed her. She's doing better and will be back home tomorrow. Our son is with her this evening. I am trying to take "me time" for I'm exhausted. I've got our grandsons with me for a little bit. We ordered pizza and are going to play the Wii and have some fun "male bonding". My little men are getting so big. .

Anne, I always mention this group to Mary because she indeed remembers you. You and Kay especially for your caring emails. Marty and Fae as well and the entire forum as a whole. I don't remember everyone's names. But just mentioning the forum to her, and she smiles and looks at me with very lit up eyes.

Thank you all for caring. ❤️

[feralfae]

Butch,

I am so sorry to hear how bad things got yesterday. I am glad things have slowed down a bit and that Mary is getting good care at the hospital. Of course you are exhausted, and I hope you can use this time to catch up on some rest and sleep while Mary is at hospital.

I think, from what you write, that Mary will be home tomorrow. I am so glad yo have hospice there now all the time.

I am sending all good prayers and peaceful thoughts as well as *<fairy dust>* sparkles for Mary and you and your family.

Thank you for keeping us up to date, and keep getting all the rest you can. I hope the new medication will work for you.

Peace and *<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Butch, that must have been scary for you and for Mary, I'm so glad hospice is there all the time now. And so glad they caught it and got her into immediate help. I, too, hope you enjoy your time with your little men, and can have some relaxing time and maybe catch a much needed night of sleep.

Prayers going up for Mary...