Feel Like Their Deaths Are Killing Me

[Eoneal46]

I lost my oldest brother on 11/7/2010 to a double lung transplant that didn't work. You get a call that they have the organs and then he is just gone. A yr later my mom got sick and after a long wasting illness where I watched her disappear a little each day she died on 12/24/12. My sister then passes away from cops on11/20/13. I have one brother still living and I take care of my dad who is almost blind and alone. I see him 3 to 4 times a week, do his shopping, cleaning, etc.

I am so tired. I am 54 yrs old and have a 20 yr old son at home as well as 14 yr old triplet girls. I have a hard time feeling much of anything anymore. My marriage, although a good one, has suffered. Now it's the holidays again. As you can see this time of yr brings back lots of bad memories from the past few years.

I feel sadness, guilt for things I feel I should have done better, my relationship with my remaining brother is somewhat strained...he doesn't do as much as he should to help with my dad and I resent it, but I don't say anything. I love my dad but he is 86 yrs old and I just am hoping he dies before I have to put him in a home. He is very frustrating to deal with and I selfishly just want to be able to deal with my own home and family instead of his home and needs. This makes me feel like a horrible person.

I feel like I am literally dying from all these things, like death is all around me

[Eoneal46]

Fyi my sister died from COPD not cops...

[enna]

After reading your post I have to admit that I am surprised you are even able to think straight. I am so very sorry to hear of the deaths of your mother, brother and your sister all so close together.

With your own family to care for and your father who needs help I so understand why you say your own marriage has suffered. How could it not!

I hope you can sit down with your brother and tell him that you need him to step up in caring for your father. This is not selfish. You have to take care of yourself if you are going to be there for your family. Self-care is not about being selfish.

We hear the word guilt used so often when we are caregivers. There comes a time when we have to admit that enough is enough. We do the best we can and none of us have to be superhuman.

Yes, the holidays bring so many different feeling to deal with and we each cope in our own way. Sometimes it is good to have a sit-down with other family members and let them know what your concerns are. Be sure that your brother is at this meeting. If your brother doesn’t have the time to assist you with your father perhaps he would pay to have someone come in to relieve you of some of the things you are doing for your father.

You are not being selfish. You are recognizing that you can’t do it all.

Have you even given yourself time to grieve for your mother and for the siblings you have lost? My prayers are with you. Anne

[Eoneal46]

Thank you for your kind words. No I have not grieved and that is part of why I feel so much guilt. I did get some time to grieve for my brother but to be honest, moms death was a relief to me. I was the one who administered the morphine at the end that in reality finished her off...more guilt. At that time my attention focuses on my dad and trying to fill the void for and it has taken me two years to realize that I simply can't do that for him. My sisters death came after many hospitalizations and I was the one standing at the hardware store to get th call she had coded and was gone. I went to the hospital and stood there looking at her and didn't feel as much as I should have...relief again because she had been in the process of moving in with my dad to "help out" which to me meant that I was now going to have two people to care for...more guilt. My brother lives an hr and a half away and is on disability. He could do more. I know he loves my dad but he is just not going to be reliable for much. He wants my dad to visit him but with my dads vision and confusion it just doesn't work. It ends up being more disruptive for my dad. I don't know I don't mean to be a baby, but you know what??? I am the baby of the family and I wasn't raised for this role you know??? That's a funny and ironic fact. I just have pushed down my feelings so much that I don't feel much at all anymore. My kids and husband get shorted in the end...guilt again. I just want to get out of this vicious cycle. Thank you again...you are right I do need to be more honest with my brother and I will work on that.

[kayc]

Wow, that is a LOT for any one person to take! It'd be helpful to see a grief counselor who could help you through your grief process...we can only stuff so long.

I do hope you'll take Anne's advice to heart. It's not selfish to request help.

[MartyT]

My dear, I am concerned about that load of guilt you are carrying, along with everything else that is on your weary shoulders. You said "I was the one who administered the morphine at the end that in reality finished her off...more guilt."

I don't know if your mother was on hospice service at the time of her death, but if you had access to morphine for her, I assume that was the case. At the very least, it must have been something that a physician had prescribed for her, and for a good reason. In any event, I suspect that it was your mother's disease that led to her death rather than the prescribed medication that was given to her. I hope you will read this article: Pain Control: Dispelling The Myths.

As for being more honest with your brother, you may find these articles helpful:

Siblings and Caregiving: Making It Work

All In The Family: Siblings, Caregiving and Money

There are dozens upon dozens of articles, books and websites aimed at supporting you in the caregiving role, and I hope you'll make time to explore some of them. You'll find many such resources listed on our Caregiving webpage. ♥

[feralfae]

Oh, my, dear Eoneal46,

You have been through, and are still going through, so much in being caregiver. I am so sorry for your losses, and for the guilt you are carrying, which is NOT YOURS TO CARRY.

I hope the first thing you can do is sit down with your brother and take alternate weeks of caregiving for your father. You deserve to have time with your family to rest and relax. And if you need to get the 20-year old on board with being more helpful, do so. Since the triplets are 14, I imagine they are already doing their own laundry, cleaning their room(s) and helping with meals.

I had so much guilt after my husband died. I was sure that if I had tried to get him into one more clinical trial, experimental medication, or foreign protocol, we might have saved him. But in the last year, I have come to understand that for his condition (Stage !V colon cancer with mets to liver, lungs, abdomen, and kidneys) he lived a long time - three years longer than the doctors told us he would live. It was the cancer that killed him, not neglect or anything I did or did not do. I think sometimes we carry so much guilt because we always hope that if we had more knowledge, more control, or had dome something differently, our actions would have saved them. But that is very seldom the case. We do the best we can, and we are not, after all, oncologists or doctors specializing in whatever is wrong with our Beloved.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, and unfortunately, we simply don't have the control we would wish we had when someone we love has a terminal illness. We do the best we can, and I am sure you did the best you could. Now I am concerned that you are trying to do too much more, and not giving yourself time to relax in the comfort of your home with your family, and not getting enough rest or self care for YOU.

Every things everyone has posted above is true. I am glad Marty has shared more information with you on caregiving, because I think we caregivers try to do too much most of the time, then our own health fails. Try to set aside a couple days each week to be caregiver to yourself, and enlist your own family to be your caregivers on those days, too. Let the girls prepare a few meals, and also you son. Take time for yourself for a relaxing bubble bath, for reading a book, for visiting with girlfriends. You need the relaxation and the time to refresh your spirit. If you can, see a grief counselor to help you work through some of your grief and guilt. I think that would help a lot. Try to give yourself the loving care you have shared with so many in your family.

I am sorry if I sound bossy, but I am concerned that your guilt is keeping you from caring for yourself.

Please let us know how you are doing. We care.

Blessings and warmest good thoughts to you,

fae

[Eoneal46]

Thank you all for the encouragement and information. I have shared more in these posts than I ever have out loud. Last year at this time I was positively suicidal and I went to see a psychiatrist only to have the first step be to review my ins benefits to find that I simply could not afford their prices..I walked out of that office so distraught...no help to be found there. I get by. With an antidepressant and Xanax but it just masks what's simmering inside me. I think I will check into the hospice groups that I have received information on. Much of this bubbles up this time of year. My mom died on Christmas eve and let's just say that I no longer find advent calandars quaint. The rest of the world is anxiously awaiting it and I am dreading it. I'm just at the point where this all is making me feel physically I'll...tired all the time, no exhausted all the time, sick to my stomach and just so sad and some days seem hopeless. I will check out the sites you gave and again thank you all. It does help to realize that there are many others out there who have gone through these same things...you all have lost your loved ones too, my losses are not any different. I meet many people around my age who are caring for a parent. We are lik a little quiet army walking around out there, all of us day by day. I want my life back looking at the family genes I don't know how much life I have left and I need to make some changes to accomplish this. Thank you again, your time is precious too and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[MartyT]

You are NOT alone, my dear, I assure you ~ especially when you are here with us.

I thought of you when I read this just now: What To Do When You've Reached Your Breaking Point As A Caregiver ♥

[kayc]

My father died of a major heart attack when he was 62. I am now 62. There's something about hitting the age they were when they died to really feel your mortality. But I have to realize that even though I carry my dad's genes, I am not him. Even though he took good care of himself and was never overweight, and had been on a heart healthy diet the last 17 years of his life. But medicine is better now, they know more, can do more. I do not need to fear going the same way as him, the same time as him, and neither do you. We take the best care we can of ourselves to ensure our best chance, but beyond that, we cannot assume we will go like they did, when they did.

There are counselors that charge according to a sliding scale, so that might be a consideration for you if your health insurance doesn't cover mental health. And with the Obamacare changes, that could change their coverage as well, a lot has changed in the insurance industry in the last year. You deserve and are worth the help!