Finding A New Way Of Being

[feralfae]

Three years ago today, I was in Fairbanks, Alaska. In a few hours, Doug's Life Celebration would begin, going on for two days. People had arrived from all over he world, many camping in their mountaineering tents in the open fields behind Musher's Hall. Musher's Hall is the home of the dog sledding teams, where they have sled trials, and where mushing events often begin, with all those beautiful dogs yipping and prancing in their traces.

But today, three years ago, there was the sound of people talking and laughing, gathering gear, wandering about, coming in to the building to get coffee and breakfast from the large industrial-like kitchen, where volunteer friends were preparing and serving a hearty breakfast for everyone.

One of our friends from Australia came over to hug me and hold me for a few minutes, and we talked about her diving adventures with her husband. Other people drifted over, but most people took their meals and wandered back outside to enjoy the sun on this low-mosquito day.

We set up the screen and projector so we could play the DVDs, transferred from Super 8 film, of climbs where Doug had taken his movie camera. Some of them had recent narratives, with Doug talking about the climbs. We recorded those here, making a small narrative box in the corner of the screen so Doug could be seen as well as the climb.

Three years ago today, by 9 am, people began to wander over, sit before the screen, and occasionally comment, especially if they saw themselves, younger and stronger, in these films made in the 70s and 80s. And Doug's narratives, made when he felt well enough between chemo treatments, were priceless, quipping about his partners, explaining rime ice, making us all smile with his wit and humor. I am so very glad we got a few narratives done.

The band guys set up a microphone for me, and I spoke, read the inscription in the new. leather-bound Club Journal, and invited others to speak. Later, there was music by the band, whose members are doctors, geologists, and geophysicists. Being all in their 60s, they play a lot of loud rock 'n roll. Loud. They are all Doug's good friends, and this was their own, special tribute to Doug. Music, food and beer, wine and stories, flowed all around. I made it through the two days, sleeping little in the days of the long light of the circumpolar Earth.

Now it is three years later, and my heart is much more at peace, I am slowly settling in to this new life, and slowly regaining my health after a series of medical adventures.

Three years. More than half of the cells in my body are new cells. Our home is now my home, and I have almost finished clearing Doug's closet, and have begun on his shop space. I have rearranged and redecorated to banish sad memories of Doug being sick and weak, but his place is still set at the table, and his chair is still his chair.

Last night, I prayed that he would let me know he is here, and that he is still watching over me. As I was falling asleep, I felt a presence enter the bedroom, and stand near the bed. It surprised me, and my initial reaction was a twinge of fear. But it was Doug, and I think that he was both reassuring me and also letting me know that my life was my own to enjoy, and that everything is fine, and that things would be all right. I fell asleep comforted, safe, and smiling.

Three years have passed, and my heart is still filled with love for Doug, but now I have more confidence that I can go on and make my own way. The woman who stood before those hundreds of people, speaking about her husband and his magnificent spirit, is still here, but so, too, is the woman who has learned to carry this sorrow, and to smile this morning at the electric blue of the bluebird perched on the rail of the sleeping deck outside my window. Life is all around me, and I am slowly, cautiously opening my heart to the beauty of life again.

Where will life take me these next three years? Will Doug watch over me then? Will his love keep me strong and confident? I have no idea, but I do know that I am a very different person now. I am far more caring and compassionate with myself, and that is a gift I learned while caring for Doug. I have more patience, because once I lived with the overwhelming pain of life without Doug here beside me, I learned that no matter how bad the pain, it will ease. It just takes time.

I am not certain yet what the outcome will be of the present discussion about the Club HQ, our former home in Fairbanks. I have had my say, and no matter how things go, I will find a way to make a good life and go on.

Mercury went retrograde yesterday, so I'm aware that communications may be a bit of a struggle right now, if one considers such things as planets' energetic emissions. No matter what, communications can be tough when discussions are about issues that bring up emotional responses. It is tough for us to talk about Doug without having emotional responses, and I know that some of the guys in the Club are struggling emotionally with some of the decisions they need to make. But Doug left very clear instructions, and funny though it is, no one but me and the trustee had bothered to read Doug's written instructions until yesterday. Maybe now they can make some decisions.

Meanwhile, I am going to take this day to remember other anniversaries and birthdays, when we had parties, picnics, and sang songs with friends. When we sipped champagne, savored a torte au chocolate Callebaut, served with fresh raspberries, raspberry sauce and whipped cream. I can see Doug smiling with each bite. Doug blowing out the birthday candles on the torte. Being held and almost smothered with a big hug for some gift that he really wanted. And, on another birthday, our vows to each other, as we both shared our amazement that we had found each other in this lifetime. I remain amazed that in my life, in my lifetime, I got to play for so many years with Doug, and to work with him, write with him, and to make our beautiful life together.

But before I knew Doug, I had made a beautiful life. So I know I can make a beautiful life again. And while this journey of grief continues, there is room and energy and vision to continue to make this life one that I wish to live, and to let my heart heal and open at its own pace, knowing that the time for this is in the hands of our Creator, and that it will all work out.

Time to go forage for a cup of decaf, and then to decide what fun I can get into this special day of many memories, of celebration, and of acceptance.

namaste,

fae

[enna]

Thinking of you today as you remember your dear Doug. As you love him so you hear his laughter. Sending hugs to you.

[kayc]

My dear fae,

Thank you for sharing from your heart your special memories...it sounds like his memorial was like none other and very, very special, as he was to so many, but especially you. I am glad he came to visit you and reassure you. When I had George's memorial, I sang "It is Well"...it was a statement of faith, not of feeling, although at that moment I felt it was well, but I was still in shock, I'm sure. In the days and years that followed, I did not feel "well" but have since found that peace is mine again. I miss him more than I can express, but I have come to realize that I am me, complete in myself, which is odd because I feel George and I completed each other in a way never known before or since, so it sounds incongruous and you may not understand what I'm trying to say. I do look forward to the day we can be together again. How I wish he would come to me as your Doug did to you but perhaps it is only when we have special need of it.

Peace to your soul today and always.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Fae,

Thank you for sharing your heart with us, and thank you for the hope that shines through. Your giving hope to the rest of us is a great blessing. You have lived and loved well, and you continue to do so. May God continue to lead and uplift you as you make your way into a new way of being. You will do well.

Blessings,

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Kay,

Although you were in shock when you sang "It is Well," the words were true and accurate and from your core. God gave you that strength (and the stamina to sing at that time), and He gives you a powerful strenght now. As He strenthens you, you help strengthen others. This is as He intends for each of us (love one another . . .).

Like you, my spouse who died never returned to me, and neither did my parents or siblings who have died. My mother said that my father appeared to her; my sister said that her daughter appeared to her, and my friend said that her husband appeared to her. I am content to know that although my loved ones are absent from their bodies, they are present with the Lord. I believe you likely have this contentment also. God is taking care of our loved ones, and He is taking care of us while we wait until we are reunited. Jerry and I have talked about this, and we agree that the one who is left needs to be content to wait, and to be at peace regarding the safety of the spirit of the one who left ~ temporarily.

I have a friend whose husband died a few months ago, and she's wondering why her husband has not given her a sign that he is all right. I am no expert at this, but I'm telling her that I believe most people never receive signs, and that even if she (like me) never does, God is still in control of all, and to try to find peace in her soul in this truth. I want so much to comfort her, so I give her what I believe, which is my own comfort. For me, it is enough, and I pray it will be for her as well.

Blessings,

Carrie

[feralfae]

Dear Lady Carrie,

You are a wonderful gift to us all, and thank you for your loving words. Your peace, acceptance, surrender to the will of G*D, and your beautiful spirit shine through your words. Thank you for your presence.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

What fae said

[kayc]

Amen to that!

[Wifflesnook]

How did I miss these lovely messages to me? I don't know but thank you. It's true I've been very busy and I suppose that is good. But it's almost ten pm here in England and I'm in bed with a hot chocolate and my iPad. I've got into the habit of lighting a candle every evening to make believe my Pete is near me. And I've just ordered an enormous canvas photo of him. He truly isn't far away and he would so approve of the way I've revived our web site and I thank you all for looking at it. I'm going to try my best now to make changes. I can add some more of Pete's poems. I'd like to cover it with photos of him but I shall restrain myself. But I've also been busy putting a lot of our videos on YouTube. The ones I've done lately date from 1991 and I hear my Pete's voice on them. How lucky am I that I can do that? Thanks again. Big hug from Jan

[LadyCarrie]

I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.

Love and hugs,❤️

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Dear precious Anne,

We are remembering you today while you remember your Jim in a special way. I woke up thinking of you. I prayed that God will be with you in a special way today, and that He will bathe your heart in His love, healing, peace beyond human comprehension, and comfort.

You are precious and dear to all of us here at home, and here on our forum home.

Warm hugs,

Carrie

[kayc]

Amen to that!

[MartyT]

Yes, dear Anne, we are mindful of this day, May 25, as a special day of remembrance for you and your precious Jim . . . ♥

And here is the piece that made me think of you today:

Existing in Love

However painful it is to bid farewell to one who has died,

once you have done so, you begin a new relationship with them,

one you can always cherish.

Once you release them from earthly time,

you can embrace them in eternity.

When you release them from the physical dimension,

you can hold them close in a dimension no less real: the spiritual one.

For even though they no longer walk beside you,

they will be even closer.

They will be within you.

And you will not forget them, because you cannot forget them.

They will be as near to you as your own breathing,

and as much a part of you as your own dreaming.

They will exist in you as love.

~ James E. Miller, Seasons of Grief and Healing, A Guide for those who Mourn

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

I too am thinking of you in a very special way today. I've got my family here so can't light a candle but I will be lighting one in my heart for you and Jim. Jan

[enna]

Thank You. You have been where I am with losses so great that even breathing seems hard. Today I allow the grief/joy to flow in and out of my being. Some day soon I shall write about it, but today is not that day. I know that your wishes come from your hearts and I so appreciate that. Words of kindness are so healing.

I am at peace with my thoughts right now. Later I shall go over to family and take part in a BBQ (an opportunity to play with my grand dog, Fred) and then come back home for some needed quiet. My heart is full of tears and yet at the same time I have made room for joy. That is what we must do as we are learning to live this new life.

[Wifflesnook]

You put it so well Anne, we know.

[feralfae]

Here is the amazing Martian popover, which the baker/maker poured into a pyrex baking dish rather than into muffin cups, and popped into the over to bake. She had used rice flour so I could eat it, and instead of a gentle rise and mounded cake of a pan popover, this is what happened.

Truly amazing. And delicious.

We were at about 6K feet of altitude, so that might have contributed to this wild shape.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

It is good to be here, and thank you all for the welcome back messages. Between grave cleaning, spreading ashes in the river of two men I loved—one climber friend and some of Doug's—I feel I have had enough goodbyes for a while.

I am tickled to hear Kay has a grand baby! And Butch is expecting two! Births of children have always felt affirming of life to me. I suppose I am impatient for my older grandson to marry and have a baby, or one of the godsons, but with everyone in college or beginning to put together the foundations of their lives, and how young they are, I imagine I must be patient.

I am looking forward to being home for a while, as I have decided not to go to Alaska until I rest and catch up a bit here. And since it rained most of the days I was gone, and is supposed to rain today, I am going to have days and days of mowing to do.

I am happy I will be here to "hang out" with all of you for a while.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

We've missed you, it's good to have you back!

Your giant popover looks scrumptious!

[feralfae]

This new way of being is getting a little easier. My heart is no longer torn apart, a raw, weeping wound of unbearable pain. I am learning to navigate my way through vehicle issues, through repair challenges, and through navigating this solo life. Three years ago, I would not have thought I'd even be alive now. I was losing my dear, dear Estelle, my MIL, who was getting ready to go join Dad. I was in excruciating pain from the cauda equina and about to have emergency surgery. My world was in chaos. Doug was gone, many of his papers had been stolen, and I felt helpless. I had not yet found this place of solace and refuge.

But today, I can say that I have survived. I am slowly finding my way along this life journey, strengthening old relationships and making new ones, doing more yard work and more lucidly doing desk work. I am throwing porcelain again, and that alone gives me a reason to get up each day. I have hope that life will continue to get better, and that my heart will continue to heal.

How very grateful I am to have the support and understanding that I have found here. You have all made this journey, this healing, and this re-balancing of life possible for me. Namaste.

*<twinkles>*

fae

I am still tender, and it is difficult to read the posts of some of the recent members of our Tribe who gather here. It still brings up a lot of pain and sense of loss.

[enna]

I am somewhat like you, Fae, in reading the posts of our newest members ~ there is an understanding that does bring up pain of those early days. I want to tell them that they will be okay, but we know that it is not something they can understand right now.

They are not in a place where they even want to hear that it will “get better.” We know that it is true for how can it get better when we no longer have our spouses with us. Our lives are different and we are learning to live with this difference.

What we are doing is the best we can whether it be dealing with “stuff” or waking up each day determined to have a good day. We are learning to accept whatever each day brings without any preconceived notions that maybe today will be better.

Our healing comes gradually. We begin to understand that life and death are as natural as light and darkness. We wake up each day and at the end of the day we can whisper that it was a good day ~ there is always something that makes it a good day. This is what we learn as we begin to heal.

Being here gives us that glimmer of hope that we will be all right ~ maybe not now but someday.

[kayc]

Very well put, Anne! fae, you have been through so much, so has Anne, Karen, I guess we all have, and now all that Butch is going through...sometimes I wonder when will it all end?! But we are a testament to the newer ones grieving that we can make it through. I know so many wonder, "But make it through to WHAT?!" They feel all they have to look forward to is merely existing, but that's not entirely true. Our lives are what we make of them. Our lives are our choices. Our lives are our determination. No, it will not be as it was before, but it needn't be all doom and gloom either. There will be moments of good and it's up to us to seize those moments when they come, appreciate them, enjoy them fully.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes I've learnt that too. I do have days when things are fairly ok. And just now and again for a nano second I have that lovely feeling that I'm really ok. And I wonder where that comes from? Is it a memory of how things used to be when Pete was here physically? Or is it a communication from him? It lasts just a second and is gone. It's like a memory flash. I can't explain it but it makes me realise that my default feeling is sad/passive/hurting but when I'm busy I forget that. And then this lovely flash comes just now and again.

[kayc]

For myself I think I feel that way because I've done so much adjusting, it really has taken me a long, long time, but little by little I'm more used to this life that is mine. I would grab George back in a heartbeat if that was my option though!

[feralfae]

Kay,

Do you have smoke over your way? I have been very busy today, and it has been another hot day, so the house was closed. I did not notice the smoke that has spilled over the divide until I went out to walk around a bit this afternoon. Tonight the smoke is very heavy. I cannot see town, and my close neighbor's house is veiled in the smoke.

We are not under any fire alerts around here, though. Just smoke from, I think, Oregon or Canada. Are you having hot days, too?

*<twinkles>*

fae