enna Posted March 12, 2015 Report Share Posted March 12, 2015 Thinking of you as you are away at meetings, fae. I hope you are remembering to rest. REST. Touch base when you return home. Is the WiFi as bad as you thought? Sending you some warmth and sunshine from Arizona. Flowers are blooming on some of my bushes. This morning as I sat on the patio I saw several butterflies and my hummers are back. This afternoon I am going for a ride up through the Estrella Mountain to see some of the cactus flowers that are in bloom. For those of you who do not know ~ wild flowers cover the open spaces around here and they are wonderful. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 The spring is almost here. I put our moth trap on last night just in case but it was empty when I looked this morning. But it is a beautiful morning. Fae you look for wisdom from others. We find it in your words. Three years soon since Pete died in May. I put a video on YouTube yesterday of him reading some of his poems. I find I live my life with him inside me these days. I think I will always do everything in relationship to him. He moulded me in a good way. The person I was when we met when I was 20 and he was 25 would have been a totally different one if we had never met. The grief remains and will be with me until I die. I sometimes worry that I fill my life too much with frenetic activity to avoid the grief, but then I hear a wise voice saying - don't fret, just accept what you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Hello!I get to jump in here this morning for a few minutes before I head out for another meeting. There are birds chirping outside my window, and this morning, earlier, because I have the window open a bit, I listened to the snow geese flying over, heading north. I saw four trumpeter swans on a lake near where I am yesterday, which was lovely.It is time to go to the meeting.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 it's good to hear from all of you here...Trumpeters, moths, and cactus flowers! Anne, I hope you enjoyed your ride. fae, I hope you are finding rest in between meetings. Jan, I live with George inside of me also, and it's a comfort knowing he's there, never "away" from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Anne, I'm thinking of you this morning. I am thinking that you are strong, and like the daisy, you come back even stronger after the rain. May God continue to hold you and to uplift you. Blessings, Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Thank you so much, Carrie. I so appreciate your kind words. I hope you are remembering to take good care of you. Kay, I hope you are feeling better. I see on FB that you have a touch of the flu. My ride up to the Estrellas was nice, Kay. Not as many wildflowers yet as I thought there would be. Next time I hope there will be more bursts of color. I'll take a few pictures. I have not seen a trumpeter swan in the wild. It must be so nice, fae. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 13, 2015 Report Share Posted March 13, 2015 Me neither (not seen a trumpeter swan). I've seen most other things, although not a moose. fae has one over on us, being in Montana! Everything seems to be blooming early here this year. My lilac tree has buds beginning to open, usually that doesn't happen until May! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 Anne, the picture in my mind of you sitting on your patio was perfect. Our weather is warming up...just a little over a week ago we had our largest snow fall, today it will be in the low 70s. My long dirt driveway has a big mud hole near the garage from all the melting, and then rain the last few days....always something, right! I love spring! Yesterday the lawn guy came and cut back my maiden grasses, the new shoots are starting to poke up. Every year the maiden and zebra grass bushes just get thicker and thicker, Mike planted them, and enjoyed them. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 15, 2015 Report Share Posted March 15, 2015 QMary, Good to see you here too, love you all! We have to keep meeting like this! I, too, love Spring, although here it usually rains most of Spring, it is a season of variety and I love seeing blooms pop up their fresh little heads and smile at us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2015 oh, QMary!Hello! So good to see you. I know you are busy. So happy to hear that you can feel Spring around you. I think most of us are waiting for the softness to settle in around our places, except for Anne, who is already there. And probably Karen.Happy to hear from you, to see you here.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 The first moth of 2015 in our moth trap this morning. A Common Quaker. A sign of spring Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yay! Those on the East Coast especially welcome Spring! I feel like I've had it all winter already. Glad you found your moth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 Happy St. Patrick's Day to all! Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 17, 2015 Report Share Posted March 17, 2015 And a top of the good mornin' to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2015 Mary's sharing of the Bessell van der Kolk video has led me out into a whole new country of knowledge and understanding. I have been watching the other videos on You Tube as well. I have a much better sense of this syndrome and how it manifests itself. Wow! I have a better awareness and means of observing myself. I can also see better how much I have already healed. Although I knew about Dr. BvdK, and had read some about his work,and had a friend who contacted a couple of places for me when I was really in a bad way (and thank you Mary, as well, for helping me through that) where he was on staff or the board.I love hearing about all that we are doing as well. It's comforting how much emotional energy we have invested in each other, in people we basically know as dear Tribe in this new wilderness of the internet. It just amazes me to peer into the future and think how our lives will change—and the world—in the next ten years. I only hope we are doing a better job of healing our Earth by then. (There has been fracking near Yellowstone, and many people are concerned.)Here we are, knowing each other better at a very personal level than I know most of my neighbors whom I see several times a week, if only in passing. How wonderfully amazing! And we go on. We carry on. We find a way. I am so very thankful to have found this wonderful gathering of spirits. {{{hugs}}}namaste,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I've waited a few days to write here, because I have been busy exploring a new paradigm, so to type. Our own Bill's Mary sent a link to a presentation by Bessel van der Kolk, who is one of the nation's leading investigators and doctors to specialize in PTSS. I have spent quite a bit of time listening to his interviews on You Tube, and I am now listening to his book, "The Body Keeps the Score" in audio book format. It has made me aware of how behind times my own trauma counselor here is. But as I am grasping the knowledge and insights of the interviews and the book, I am able to identify and see more clearly some of the areas where I have changed so much since the trauma that it has been worrying me.My counselor here is a desensitization theory counselor. That belief is that if the patient is repeatedly exposed to the thoughts and flashbacks of the event (mine lasted 18 months) that "emotional callouses" will cover over the raw spots. For me, I think it has worked a little, but not enough. I now recognize that I have still been caught in some cycles of fear and strange behaviors. So, this week, I am going to look around for a new trauma counselor, even if it means driving two hundred miles for a visit.I am slowly regaining my strength and more energy. I am doing some exercise every day, and slowly increasing the length and intensity of my workouts. But I am still waking up most mornings feeling vulnerable, afraid, and alone. I am not sure that this is not a normal part of learning to live alone.This is my sort of "quiet week" and next week I begin another round of the NETS tests, liver tests, and blood work. My annual physical is later this week, and I expect a good report. The only thing I am taking now is one herbal supplement for liver health.My hands are giving me problems as I work in the studio. I may need another joint replacement on each hand, because the last joint repair, when they put plates in both thumb joints, seems to be wearing out and is beginning to have a lot of pain again. I know I need to avoid any more surgeries for at least another year or two, after the recent adventures. I am thinking about what art I can do that is considerably more gentle than pottery.So, right now, my big challenges are to see if I can find another trauma counselor, but keep seeing these two I am seeing until I find someone else to work with, and then to get through the next round of tests at the hospital, then see about my thumbs.But even with all of that, Spring is coming, the birds greet me each morning with song, I have loving and caring people around me, and I can tell I am getting stronger from the surgeries.I see in my last post, I ended with the same sentiments I feel this morning - And we go on. We carry on. We find a way. I am so very thankful to have found this wonderful gathering of spirits. {{{hugs}}}namaste,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 It's good to hear your update. I'm sorry about your thumbs...I am getting arthritis in my forefinger extending down to my thumb, also in other forefinger where I had a previous injury...not fun! It's so painful there's times I can't hold a coffee cup, I'm sure you can relate, it's some of the most searing pain I've ever felt. On days when it's flaring up I don't get much done. I've been working outside the last three days, stacking wood, picking up some of the winter's branches, cones, needles, raking. I'm not nearly done and yesterday we got pouring rain, supposed to last a few days...they're actually saying snow today, will believe it when I see it, it's not that cold. I hope you find a good trauma counselor that can help you deal with the PTSS. I'm glad you've been getting so much out of Bessel van der Kolk's presentation. I saw that but haven't had time to look at it this week. It's been a crazy busy week! Getting ready to go down to the church to work on the treasury. Time to get dressed, walk Arlie, and fix breakfast! Oh, and I wanted to mention that I often get the feelings of aloneness...I think that comes with losing our husbands. We realize just how alone we are when our biggest supporters are gone. I never minded being alone before..,but now it's forced and permanent, that's way different than when you know they'll be back in a couple of days! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 We are all amazing. Our acceptance of where we are and who we are is so inspiring. I love the people I have gotten to know here. You all make me feel good about myself. We are indeed living with our losses. It says it's spring and in many places it is ~ except in Spring Green! Mary posted this on FB this morning and I think even Bentley is confused! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I'm back home after five nights with daughter and her two beautiful girls, celebrating the fifth birthday of my eldest beloved grand daughter. It's been very busy and good but I'm so happy to be home where I feel closest to Pete. Oh yes Fae, I guess that the feelings of aloneness and vulnerability will never leave us. My PEte's name means The Rock as you will all know and he supported me totally for fifty years. Now I'm amazed that I can function at all without that Rock. But somehow I do, and see you all doing the same. This community of souls really helps me. Thank you. Every day I think if you all. Be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I love both of you too! Jan, I'm glad you had a good time and got to help celebrate your granddaughter's birthday, how fun that must be! I have to wait for a year and two months for that. Anne, I saw that, that's a lot of snow for Spring! I was disappointed because the snow I was supposed to get today didn't materialize, but I'm not at all surprised. I didn't want enough to shovel, just enough to look pretty! Now I have no excuses for getting me out of yard work! (except that it's been hailing and raining). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Beautiful Tribe,How good to cozy up to this warm and healing fire for a while. I am warmed by the light. I wonder today what the heck these bouncing-around photons from my Mac are doing when they hit my optic nerve, or when they hit my skin. I am probably wondering because I am in the midst of a discussion on quantum mechanics with some guys right now, and have just introduced the latest findings on QM and photosynthesis, about which they were all clueless. (I smile. Guys, ya gotta love 'em, but they can be amazingly superior in their own eyes sometimes. As if emotional well-being weren't equally as important as their fractals and errors on QM!)Yes, I am amusing myself, strutting, and having a wee bit of intellectual fun. Of course, they do not know that I began studying the QM of photosynthesis in 1977. I am just amusing myself. I told them I was just there entertaining my mind until I could start entertaining my body again. I so long to be in the mountains. At least some of them are climbers. And, I am being gentle with them. So few speak any language of feelings. Our culture needs further re-balancing, which I think is probably part of our job(s)while we are here. I think we just do it as a natural expression of our Spirits, actually. At least I have them talking about feelings occasionally, even if not often.It was supposed to rain here today as well. It was so overcast that there was no sun to warm the house, so I had to have a fire on the lower level while I worked. It was a cozy and productive day. Meanwhile, I am treading and ripping gentle sets when I have the energy. And I can do 5#, which is wonderful. I aim for 10#, though.I think we finally have the spam/security issues resolved on our server and have new security measures through our ISP. Whew! In the midst of it all, one of our best tech guys came down with a terrible bug, and we had a heck of a time finding another good linux security chap, but it is fixed, everyone is feeling better, things are more secure and furthermore, I can see some green grass beginning to grow!!! I will not rake the cover off the tulips until after 15 April, though. We are still having some freezing nights, and we all expect another blizzard or two.Today, I listened to more of the book "The Body Keeps the Score" and at last understand what has happened to my body with this incredible trauma. Whew! I have an appointment for an evaluation and consultation with a cranio-sacral chap here in town. I am most determined to be well again. I need me back. I know I will never be the same person as I was with Doug, and that my life has changed in some very significant ways, as has my sense of life, my spirituality, and my faith. But I want to put away that part of my life that makes my heart pound, and go back to living in relative peace. As peaceful as an outspoken woman can be, given the controversies of humans.But as well, I want back my sense of myself, my self-confidence, my self-assurance, and my ability to look forward to every new day as an unexplored time-scape where every step, every word, is a decision taking me in some direction, and that each day is an adventure. So I guess it helps to have some goals out there. So we have some sense of where we are headed. I am headed toward 10#, 2 miles, mostly healed PTSS, and a new life and way of being. It may take a while to get there, if I ever do, and some goals will morph and change along the way. I think that is part of the adventure as well. I think that is why we find Angels and Angels find us: sharing pieces of each other's puzzles. (Rabbi Kushner)For most of us here, I think one goal is listening to and following our solo hearts toward our new way of being—to our new awareness of self and our place in the cosmos. What really amazes me is all the help I find along the way when I visit here, around our fire. I sometimes feel as though I have these close first and second cousins and we have a chain letter going again, the way we did when we were little, keeping up with each other and giving each other a sense of being seen in all our learning and growing.Enough nattering. I have unpacked Agatha Christie's "Nemesis" so I am going to read for a while, sip some EIM tea, and listen to some Bach.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Fae I love the fact you can talk QM! I wish I understood such things as I sense that that kind of research connects to spirituality in a way few of us if any understand. I know that what we see of the physical world is only a tiny part of 'reality' and it helps me to think about that as I search for where my Pete is now. I can't connect to conventional Christianity at all (haven't been able to do so for many years) and the Eastern religions seem to have a story I can relate to but they don't seem to help me to connect th the actual being and personality continuing of my beloved Pete. And I know that if I don't have some feeling of that I might as well walk into the sea and keep walking. I know I shall not find the answer until I too die but I'm going to keep on searching nevertheless. It's morning in the Uk and a beautiful spring one. Just waiting with worry to hear if littlest GD was sick again as she was last night. Our daughter hoped it was too many strawberries as she is due to go back to nursery today after ten days off with chicken pox, which has meant that her mother has to have the time off from work too and she is concerned about being behind hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 24, 2015 Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Oh Jan, I'm so sorry that your littlest granddaughter has been ill. Did they both get chickenpox or was it in the nursery only? My mind does not begin to understand QM. Fae, you are a tease with those men of yours as you so understand QM of photosynthesis and see how much they don't! I feel we are all on a journey that will lead us to better understand who we are now. We are changed and as we continue to accept our new realities we share something very unique as only grievers can. I am searching for a spirituality that is different from the organized religion I grew up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2015 Dear Jan and Anne,I think each of you IS spirituality. Your spirits are unique and beautiful and filled with the energy of creation and Light. I don't think we come to know more, as much as we get better at listening, and then hear more of Creations messages that are designed just for us. And this is merely my personal opinion, so don't let it mess with your own vision and sense of who and where you are. One psychiatrist I saw only twice who was exceedingly Christian tried to convince me that (1) I would not get better until I could forgive and love and embrace Doug's family, and that (2) I would not get better until I fully immersed myself in his choice of religion and spirituality. Needless to say, I did not see him again after those two visits. Now, I may be open to a lot of suggestions, but those two drove home the problems of forcing religious beliefs on others: I think we do better simply living our lives and working on ourselves and our own relationship with our understanding of Creator.No, Anne, I am not teasing them. They assume a lot, some of them being physicists and some mathematicians, many of them having known each other for a long time, and their training makes them see themselves as the key holders for many areas of knowledge. Many of them have no belief in spirit, and live in a highly mechanistic view of Creation. They argue and call each other names sometimes. But two of them were Doug's friends, which is how I met them and got invited to visit their discussion.I, on the other hand, have no trouble accepting an existence where G*d created science, QM, and our spiritual awareness. I consider them all of a piece, even if we do not fully comprehend it yet. But it consistently cracks me up when they offer up some mechanistic position to justify their mechanistic world. A guy stated that QM activity could only occur at high temperatures, which is false on the face of it to anyone who has studied QM much at all. Some QM may require high temperatures, but hardly all. He was gracious enough to admit his mistake. But his premise was that it was impossible for QM to be involved in the interplay of mind/spirit with brain function, because QM required high temperatures which the brain could not tolerate. So I had to jump in.You see, a couple of months ago, I posed a question to them about Free Will, and they have been dancing round it, not being able to reconcile Free Will with their mechanistic view of Life. I am patient. Jan, yes: I think that there is an interface that happens at a level of awareness and intentionality that demonstrated not only free will, but how our spirit/mind/awareness directs the brain and thus the body. Several of them are positing a mechanistic, deterministic basis for Life.But I think that you are right, that there is a connection between QM (or its derivative) and Life. I have had so many experiences of this since Doug left that I am a converted skeptic, and now accept that there is a strong indication of interaction at the energetic level between what I call Spirit and our human brains. When we die, we leave our brains, but we take our spirit with us—oh, I actually think what is communicating with you now IS my spirit. This sense of self-awareness, this mind, this director of my fingers on the keyboard, is , to me, Spirit. And I believe that spirit is connected to a greater intelligence/structure/system, which manifests as well as Nature.And I think we each find our "map" or "instructions" where we choose to find it, according to our spirit and free will. But I do think we find a sense of direction, just not necessarily in the Bible or Buddha, although these work for many people, including me a lot of the time.Enough of that. I have the day off entirely. I am still in my night clothes and typing this from bed. I have a cup of delicious decaf. My body and spirit are both calling for a break, although I will go walking later today when it is warmer. I've been sorting more things, slowly shedding years of "stuff" and not ready yet to face Doug's workbench and the rest of his closet or papers.I am feeling a bit cheated that I did not know more about what to look for in finding a PTSS counselor, but at least now I have a better sense of what I need, and some of it, such as the meditation, yoga, exercise, and some steps to retrain my brain, I can begin to do now, on my own. And I am not sure how well the desensitization was working, although I would try to feel better because my counselor told me I should feel better by now. But I was still living a lot in flashbacks and anger, and having lots of fear. So, I am taking today to not study anything, not try to help myself get well, not do any of the many things I could find to keep me busy and preoccupied.Today, I will meditate and rest, read a nice book, and just let myself be. It is a challenge. And I will be hanging out here.end of nattering *<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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