Finding A New Way Of Being

[enna]

Fae, I am so happy about your news. I know your heart is just a little lighter today.

[kayc]

My dear fae,

How delighted I am with your news that you're all clear and good to go! Yay! We all rejoice with you! You've suffered some really down times, you've dealt with them and handled them so well, making your healing (in all ways) priority, and it's fruit is coming to fruition! You've put a big smile on my face and lightened my day!

We had snow yesterday too but I don't see the snow they promised last night. Still, it was fun while it lasted, as long as I don't get as much as Butch did! A few inches is great! Now they predict sunshine the rest of the week, although still cold nights.

I got the news Monday that I need to attend a new practice they're adding for the Morning Worship Team, to be held Wednesday nights from 8:00 to 9:00 pm. A problem for me since I can't drive at night and have no one to drive me. I did get a ride for tonight but I don't know what I'm to do about the rest of the time. I hate to quit, I've been on the team for 15 years and really enjoyed it, but if they make it impossible for me, I have no choice. I've always made my Sunday morning practices. The problem, as I understand it, is some of the congregation is complaining that they can't hear us and they assume it's because we haven't learned our songs due to not enough practice. They complained to the elders who decided we need more practice. The real problem is they need to adjust their hearing aids and we need a new sound system, something everyone is aware of and we're voting on Sunday. I hope once they get the new sound system they'll realize it's all good and we can dispense with Wed. nights. Much ado about nothing! Anyway, much of my time last night was taken up with listening to different people's opinions (they needed to vent) and trying to find a ride. Ugh!

I just went and got a new load of wood and built a fire. I'm using from the back of the wood pile as the rest needs to cure...the problem is it's up on a hill and there's a "ditch" in between the hill and the wood, the ground is soft, making it difficult to get the wheelbarrow stable and it's precarious getting the wood as the squirrels knocked it over and it's now all over my son's truck parts in the next stall. I'm trying to be careful so as not to injure myself again! It's always a relief once I have the wood safely in again.

I have three fur babies laying around the house...one of which is waiting for me to get my shoes on and walk him.

[feralfae]

Thank you Jan and Carrie and Anne and Kay!

Yes, this was the one-year series of tests, and if there had been ANY indication it was necessary, I would have had another PET scan scheduled. But not only was everything clear, there was the additional bonus of having improved vital signs and "impressively improved" liver function.

Anne, your graphic and message are perfect for me on this snowy day. My heart and whole being are lighter today. And I am sure I did not realize the true depths of my worry until it was lifted.

The wonderful aspect of making it one year is that now, rather than focusing on making it another three months to the next set of tests (and barely daring to plan beyond that time, especially after having all my plans with Doug dashed against the reality of death), I am ready to make more plans, dream more, and give more "hostages to time" in the form of taking action toward plans and dreams beyond short-term concerns and goals. Having this wonderful outcome has definitely lifted my spirits, and given me the hope to feel free to plan—and to take action— for many more years. And a lot of the worry is slowly lifting with the effective trauma therapy, so that I begin to ask myself, "What do you want your life to look like in ten years? In twenty years?" and to begin to feel some hope that my life will continue to move along in good ways.

Thank you for all the loving emotional support and for caring.

namaste,

fae

[LadyCarrie]

❤️

[feralfae]

I'll still be having tests every four months for the next couple of years, it seems, then maybe we go to every 5 or 6 months, but to make it through this first year with such wonderful test results has really lifted my spirits.

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

It is almost 3AM, and I am happy to be resting and that tomorrow many things will get done. I guess I truly had not realized how much the cancer and the PTSD were all tied together. How could they not be, for I am one entity, a spirit given this embodiment so I could play this human game "for Heaven and the future's sake" Frost, "Two Tramps in MudTime" one of our favorite poems. Emotions impact our health, our bodies, and our ability to function. Healing takes as long as it takes. I got to learn more patience.

I think I am almost ready for a new game. Not quite yet, but I can tell I am getting closer. It is as though I am waking up, getting happy and even excited with gleeful anticipation for what tomorrow might bring in the way of wonderment and beauty.

I should be going to sleep, but I am so enjoying this sense of wellness, peace, joy, and love, that all I want to do is revel in it, and let my heart be happy and present in this moment in a delightful way, for a little while longer. Oh, gosh! it feels wonderful to sense that I own my body again! I will get to play more in the mountains, and maybe do a little climbing again, spend time in the snow of the forests, silently gliding, with only the sound of my skis and my breath to let me know I am alive and not in some state of total transcendence. I will slip between the birch trees, watching for winter moose, and sensing the coldness of the low, low noon sun. I shall sleep beneath my stars again, falling up into them as I sleep. I actually can imagine that all of this could happen. I could not have imagined this even a few weeks ago.

There is a miraculous synchronicity in my life, that is bringing together all these threads of wellness to weave a new pattern of my being, my life, and my spirit. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this incredible blessing, as well as all of those blessings that are on their way, but I am going to be able to greet each gift with a welcoming smile, seeing the goodness in the gift. I could not have done this even a few weeks ago.

I believe now that my Faith and Trust in Doug's spirit and of course in G*d has paid off -- is paying off -- is lifting me up to this place of peace and joy that I feel sometimes now. I am writing this while tears are coursing down my cheeks, but these are tears of gratitude and joy. And, yes, some of remembering, too. I wish I could give a minute with Doug to each of you. People used to pause inside his energy, and be touched by his gentle loving presence. People did not forget him. I will not forget him. His spirit is here, in my heart, and when I need him, I can feel him within me, warming my heart and giving me a place of grounding.

For more than a year now, I have had these little signs up around the house "I am Trusting" to remind me not to lose my faith and my hope in the promise of the Psalm 'through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. . . My cup runneth over." I had altered this slightly, and have had a sign on my desktop for a while, thanking G*d for preparing the Way before me. It has been very tough sometimes to remember the promises I had from Doug and G*d. Most of you know that we called G*d the Headmaster, and alternate days, the Headmistress, because who really knows? I mean, we are talking about G*d here, for Heaven's sake!

Which brings me back to the first paragraph. One of the last things Doug told me as he was drifting away in the luminosity of his own spirit, was that there really was a Headmaster. He was absolutely beaming. What better gift from your husband than the assurance that your Faith was well-founded, that there was reason to Trust, and that no matter what, you had been given that fact by the one person on Earth whom you most trusted? Pretty cool.

Whew, this is a lot of nattering. But this is a profound and miraculous recovery I am making, after feeling for a while that the dark forces might win this game. But we are assured that the dark forces never win: they just serve to help us hone our skills so we become better gamers.

Many of my miracles these past two plus years have begun here, with the loving wisdom of Marty and Mary shared so freely with us all, and with the compassion and support I have found around this warming and healing fire of our Tribe.

So, a part of my goal now is to pick up the gift of lovingkindness that I have been given here, and offer it each day as I return more to the world, knowing how much this gift is even better than water in a parched land -- it is fresh lemonade! (You all know, 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade') We are all becoming such wonderful makers of lemonade. {{{hugs}}}

namaste,

fae

[MartyT]

You are a beautiful soul, dear Fae, and we are blessed that you are one of us . . . ♥

[kayc]

fae,

I don't recall your telling us before about Doug's proclaiming there really is a Headmaster, how cool is that!

I'm glad you find yourself at peace, perhaps this can begin some wonderful times for you, yes, of skiing and one of enjoyment of the beauty that is around yo!

[enna]

I am just thrilled with where you are in your journey, dear Fae. What a ride you are on and how wonderful to see how you are accepting it. I am inspired. For anyone who needs them, I have lemons.

[feralfae]

I am just thrilled with where you are in your journey, dear Fae. What a ride you are on and how wonderful to see how you are accepting it. I am inspired. For anyone who needs them, I have lemons.

LOL

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty and Kay.

[enna]

This reminded me of you, Fae.

[MartyT]

Perfect, Anne. It works for you, too

[feralfae]

Yes, isn't that just everyone here? Shining, keeping our spirit light burning, even if it might be only a tiny flame right now.

This is certainly a place of amazing healing.

I am continually amazed how we follow that old adage,

"Joy shared is joy multiplied, and sorrow shared is sorrow halved."

Thank you Anne. I think we have a mutual support system going, because I look to you as an inspiration.

Time to go drink another large glass of water. Well, during this next hour, anyway.

namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

Another great day!

I went for my annual eye check-up today, and . . . Taa Daa!

my eyes have improved since last year. My vision is better. The dryness has decreased. I am released to buy vanity readers at the drugstore.

And today, I set some new personal records with my aerobic routine. I am going to make it. I am making it. I am getting better, and feeling some happiness again, which the sweating really helps, by the way. I still cry often, whenever I feel the loss of Doug deeply in my heart. But now I know and can honor that passing time of tears, and return to here and now once the tears stop. I no longer feel trapped in grief, and slowly, I am learning to stand a bit more outside of the pain and observe it, while honoring the grief and having compassion for my journey.

I enjoy having some victories to report. Personal victories, mostly about my body which is what most people see, but also, more emphatically, about my mind, spirit and heart.

nattering here...

Sweet dreams,

fae

[kayc]

Good for you, fae! I wish I could say the same but my left eye is worsening again. Probably the cataracts.

[enna]

Such good news Fae. I'm glad your eye check was positive. I need glasses when driving, but don't use them in the house. Actually, my nearsightedness is improving as I age. I do not have any problem watching y' all.

Kay, my eye doctor is watching my eyes for cataracts. According to my last visit they are seeing some cloudy vision but not enough to do anything.

I feel positive energy and real growth for some of us on this grief journey we are on.

My heart aches for those who are new to grief and I wish I had just the right words to let them know we do survive.

We are "Finding a New Way of Being" on this journey.

We are learning to play ~ swinging is good.

We are learning to take good care of ourselves. My pedicures are because I can't reach my toes to cut the nails because of my spine limitation AND my age. I'm sure I'm not alone in this one. I chose turquoise polish this time. My toes are NOT this chubby!

And many of us raise our hands saying, "We will survive" this grief journey of ours.

[kayc]

I never had you pegged for chubby toes either, Anne! I love the color though! My sister gets pedicures because she can't reach her toes. I think it's common as we age.

I had to go in for a mammogram today so decided to use the extra time to shop for some new jeans. The ones I've been wearing are just too big and I've had to keep them up with a belt. I found three pairs size 12 I could comfortably wear! Big victory, I haven't been in a 12 for years!

I also used the free time down there to go to my son in law's new job and try their fare (he was the chef on duty), it was wonderful, indulgent, and tonight I'm having Kale-spinach soup and a Kale Smoothie for dinner to atone for it! I'll have some salad later on if I get hungry.

[feralfae]

Kay,

I am so glad you had such a good day. good shopping, and good food!

It's raining here. NIce thunderstorm, actually.

[kayc]

They're predicting snow here Friday! We're getting a little bit of everything!

[LadyCarrie]

No one can say that I have chubby toes. Chubby toes might be quite nice, actually. I've wanted short, chubby toes, but no matter how much I eat, I'm just not to have such toes. I have long, skinny toes--something like short fingers. Jerry told me once that I could stand on my toes in the pool and not get wet, except for my feet. Every time I tell that story, he declares that he never would have said such a thing to me (but he did). It is quite unlike him, but he said it. The thought must have struck his mind, and fell out of his mouth. I thought it was funny even at the time, for I knew he would never say anything to intentionally hurt my feelings. I've been teased about my toes since I was a kid, so it didn't bother me. I'm sure I'd wear a size seven shoe, rather than a size eight, were it not for my long, skinny toes.

I'm glad you had a good day, Kay. It sounds like a fun day (after the mammogram!). I would have enjoyed going shopping with you. How was that for inviting myself?

Fae, I know where our rain went now. It went to you. We've had afternoon lightning and thunder, but no rain. We stood on the upper back deck a few days ago and watched an awesome thunderstorm over Mount Lewis, the next mountain to our east, and between us and Yosemite. Of course, lightning is a very bad thing in this tinder-box forest, especially without rain to put out fires caused by the strikes. I am happy to hear that your reports, including your vision exam, have been good. We are all rejoicing with you. I understand dry eyes, for I have Sjoghrens. I use drops every night, and often through the night when my eyelids stick to my eyes. I panicked the first time that happened. I forced my eye open, which was a mistake. I had a very early morning visit with my ophthalmologist, because I injured my eye, and was in a whole lot of pain with non-stop tearing.

I had my annual vision exam recently also. I learned that my slow-growing cataracts are worsening. I'll need them removed likely within a year or so. I learned I cannot pass my DMV vision test. I got a new prescription in hopes the new glasses would allow me to pass the vision test. I just couldn't do it. My license expires on May 24th, my 71st birthday. I've driven since I was fifteen. I drove my father's tractor when I was too little to reach the pedals. I would walk to where he was ploughing in the cotton fields at noon so I could "drive" the tractor home. I sat on his lap to steer. I don't want to lose my license, although I haven't driven in several years due to Menieres. I think I can manage to pass the written exam (now done on a computer), but if I must take the behind-the-wheel test after cataract surgery, I won't. I would if I didn't have Menieres. I don't like it, but I must accept it. This is a little loss in comparison.

Anne, you are right about the positive energy here. I've felt it also. Fae's happy dances make us want to join her. The positive energy gives me hope for survival. I appreciate each of you, and I thank Marty for making it possible for us to talk, uplift, and encourage each other. Each of you is special, and a blessing to me.

Hugs to all,

Carrie

[Wifflesnook]

Hello everyone

Just wanted to report from England. I'm pleased to say things are as they were, which means despite everything I'm still surviving. Still creeping around the massive hole where my Pete should be and still not looking closely at it lest I lose all the strength I've managed to amass. It's now very close to the anniversary of Pete's death. It's the 4th of May and the day before our little grand-daughter was born. I shall be with her so I can't be at home. It goes without saying that this anniversary is something I fear. But I know from experience that the anticipation is worse than the actuality.

On a positive note I am making a very new and special garden. Pete made a new hardy geranium before he had the strike and in the course of doing it he had to dig up many sods of grass which he placed in a mound upside down to rot. They have been there ever since and Sandra my lovely neighbour and I are now going to turn it into an unusual garden. We are going to put gravel all around it, stones from the nearby beach, plant it with little succulents, and I'm going to call it the Moonhare garden. He loves hares, he loved the Moon, Moonhare was one of the names he used sometimes. And I'm going to buy a Moonhare statue and risk someone stealing it. This special garden wiz in the front of our cottage where people walk past. I will post some pictures for you. This special garden is meant as a special memorial for my Pete and Sandra, who paints stones, will paint a Moonhare stone for me. I am pleased with this idea as you can gather. I may just light a candle sometimes and place it there too, but I can't sit near as I would be sitting in the road!

I've also started doing the garden and I do find this therapeutic. And thirdly I visited our little field ALONE on Monday and there were flowers all around our pond. They are wild flowers called Cuckoo flowers and they have flourished this year thank to the work my friend J did in Strimming around the pond last year.

Anyway these are positive things in my life and I wanted to share them.

[enna]

Oh Jan, I just love your idea for your garden. The moon hare stone sounds lovely.

We are living our lives despite the huge hole. We are moving toward the rituals that will help us on our grief journey. I believe that all these things help us to heal. We heal in our own way just as we grieve in our own way. I will so look forward to seeing your completed garden. I like the idea of stones and succulents ~ a piece of Arizona desert. My entire yard is stone and I have several succulents. Jim planted one of the succulents I have on the mound in the back. It came from a baby shoot and now is over four feet tall. When I look out the bay windows in the kitchen nook it stands out tall and proud. I often see the hummers sitting on one of its leaves. A sign I believe that my Jim is looking after me.

This is indeed a healing place Carrie. We gain strength from each other and we are here for each other. I don’t know how we are doing it, but we are ~ there is a strength that we receive from each other that is not tangible, but it is there.

I hope your cataracts are slow growing Carrie. I did not know that you have to take a driving test after cataract surgery. You mentioned that you do not drive because of your Meniéres disease. Is that by choice or would it disqualify one from driving?

Thunderstorms over your Mount Lewis sounds a great deal like our rain and lightning dances over our Superstition Mts. Carrie. I am always in awe when I witness lightning dances in the sky. Fae has some breathtaking sights where she lives. How appropriate to be talking about nature on Earth Day celebrated yesterday. Jan, do you have Earth Day in England?

Like you, Carrie, my toes are long and skinny!

Kay, you must be so happy with fitting into your size 12 jeans. Good for you for you have been working on this for a while now.

What a wonderful support group we all are and how amazing it is that we don’t have to be face-to-face to develop new friendships. I have often thought about gathering all together and having tea, coffee or wine somewhere ~ to chat. I wonder if Marty or Mary would be willing to lead our small gathering in a Healing our Grief discussion someday!

You could always come to Arizona and I would fix hors d’oeuvres as we sat around the fire pit sharing stories. ALL are welcome.

[feralfae]

Anne,

What the heck are you doing up at 4:30 am??? I hope you are planning a nice nap later today!

Jan, I like your special garden idea, and hope when it is done, perhaps you will post a photo of it here. I hope your anniversary day for Pete is filled with beautiful memories and comforting words from all those around you. Remember to give yourself time for reflection and remembering. Honor your own heart, and surround yourself with compassionate energy as you move through the day. Our anniversary and Doug's birthday are next month, and I am already thinking of how to celebrate our love and remember Doug on that day. Slowly, I am finding ways to celebrate the memories, to release a bit of the sadness and begin to move with gratitude and joy through this beautiful garden of memories I have of our days and years together. I know you are doing the same.

I will be thinking of you during this time, and sending

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Fae, I went to bed at 8:30 P.M. and slept through until after 3:30 A.M. When I get up that early I always go back to bed after I've had a glass of water and stay up for a while.