It Is Going On 8 Months...were Is The Relief?

[ADH]

My husband died this April, and I still cry each day. I thought some of the despair and hopelessness would life but it is still there. Will I ever feel joy again? It is so hard to keep going. I fake it through each day and it is so exhausting.

Is there anything I can do?

Thank you,

ADH

[enna]

I know this is hard, Audra. You are doing what you need to do and that is allowing the tears to flow freely ~ they are healing. It is the hardest journey you'll be on and it requires you to be honest with your feelings. The love you have for Harvey will always be there but the pain you are feeling now will get a little bit easier. You won't know it, it will just happen.

The years of early grief are so difficult ~ there is so much love that you shared with Harvey. Your memories will forever be with you.

It helps to tell yourself that whatever you are feeling is OK ~ remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Read some of the posts from those who have been on this journey longer and in most cases you will see that just a little bit of light begins to show in them.

Anne

[MartyT]

Audra, my dear, I'm so sorry that you're feeling no relief ~ but what Anne says is true. I invite you to read this, in hopes that it will offer some answers to your question, Is there anything I can do? See Coping With Sorrow in Grief (including the Related Articles listed at the base). See also Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief.♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry you feel there is no lessening, no relief. Yes, it will get easier to cope, but the adjustment is long and difficult, the hardest challenge you'll ever have. It helped me to know that my George was spared the pain I was going through, and so I carried my grief as a sacrifice that he didn't have to carry it. I remember crying myself to sleep (nights and weekends were the toughest), night after night. There is nothing that can fill that void. None of us could live with that intense pain forever and our bodies know this and has a built in mechanism for healing...I wish it could be faster and more painless. Like Anne said, let the tears flow. Little by little I learned to focus on and appreciate the little joys in life, however small, a stranger's kindness, a puppy's kiss, a rainbow, etc. I was so used to sharing everything with George, that at first it felt like a double edged sword because I wanted to share any good little thing with him...and couldn't. In time, I learned to care for myself...just as he did when he was alive. And after much time, I learned to reach down inside of me for him, and found him there, spurring me on, encouraging me, comforting me, just as he always did. I may not hear him audibly, but I've learned to carry him inside my heart, he's always there. You will too.

You can read any of our beginning journeys by clicking on the advanced tab (top right corner, looks like a gear), sorting by name of author, date range (my journey began June 2005), posts, ascending order. When you read you will find we were just like you, raw emotions, at a loss where to start. It does get easier to deal with in time but sometimes the progress is so slow as to be indiscernible when we're in it.

[JeL]

Hi Audra,

I've been off this group for several weeks so I'm catching up a bit late.....I belatedly want to congratulate you for your graduation a few weeks ago.

I'm sorry you feel little relief. It IS hard to keep going. I truly understand how the daily grief in the early months, the hopelessness, the tears and despair go on and on. The experience shared here and the suggestions made by others rings true.

I continue to feel on "autopilot" 15 months after my husband's death. My daily tears have abated yet he's in my heart and thoughts many times every day. I too look forward to the days when joy returns, it by bit.

Warmly, Jo

[ohsosad]

Kay,

Could you explain that again about how to read old posts of people? I tried but failed.

Rita

[kayc]

Click on the thing in the top right corner that looks like a gear.

Search in section: forums

find author_______

find by date (enter range)

find in forum: specific bereavement

Display results: as posts

Result sorting: ascending

Search now

You can't just copy and paste like a few years ago, java has changed that so people can't plagiarize. It's a long tedious process to put it into a document, but you can view it.

[ohsosad]

Thank you, Kay. I had started out with "members" instead of "forums."

You described it perfectly.

Thanks again,

Rita

[feralfae]

Rita, How are you doing today?

I have been thinking about you, hoping you are having a bit of peace and rest, even through the grief.

All Good Wishes,

fae

[feralfae]

PS

*<fairy dust for you >*

[ohsosad]

fae -

Thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm doing alot of crying. Still feel like I haven't made any progress in the past six long, lonely months. I had 4 sessions with a grief counselor but I don't think I'll go back. He keeps wanting me to talk about any previous losses in my life (parents, pets, etc.) and how I handled them. I tell him I handled them fine and they were n-o-t-h-i-n-g like what losing my life partner is like!!! We keep going over this again and again, so at this point I feel like he's not helping me. I tried 2 different groups and just sobbed and sobbed through the meetings, saying nothing, and they left me feeling horrible. I've been reading Joyce Brothers' book about becoming a widow which she wrote 18 months after his husband died. She describes her intense grief in the early months very well and I can relate to what she wrote. But after she passed the one-year mark, she started thinking alot about finding a new partner and getting married. That's where our paths part.

Much of my reading materials relate to the hope of an afterlife which I want to believe in but have doubts. The doubts just bring me down further.

I'm so sad Steve's life was shortened. His parents both lived to be 88. Why did he have to leave? And now I'm alone.

Ok, I'm rambling. Thank you for asking about me.

Rita

[MartyT]

Rita, my dear, I'm so sorry that your grief counselor isn't a good match for you. Please don't give up, however, as grief counseling is like everything else: Some counselors are better than others, and sometimes you have to keep looking until you find a good fit. You are a consumer here, and you have every right to expect good service. If you don't think that is what you're getting, feel free to find another counselor.

As for good books about grief, there are dozens of them; our members have recommended their favorites here: Grief Bibliography ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Rita,

I'm so very sorry you are hurting so badly. I think you should listen to Marty and Fae regarding the grief counselor. Try to find one that "fits." I'm actually looking for one myself, since I am in anticipatory grief. We live in a rural subdivision in the mountains near a small town, so we don't really have many counsellors of any kind. I do have a former client who is a psychologist, who I'm considering calling. She isn't a grief counsellor though; just sweet and easy to talk with. I'm reading just as fast as I can in preparation (realizing I cannot really prepare), so I'm off to Marty's "Grief Bibliography."

I cannot say that I know how you feel, but please know that I care, and that my heart goes out to you.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

Marty, do you think a psychologist might be helpful for me? She's really more of a child psychologist. Since we live a small community, our families have known each other for a lot of years, and her brother is a doctor who works with Amberly, my daughter. The fact that she knows my family is likely good, because she already knows my Jerry. I know she cares, but I don't know that she can help me cope with grief.

The forum is helping me, so I want to make a contribution some time in January. I can't give as much as I'd like to give, but I want to give back something.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

Rita,

I, too, hope you'll look for another grief counselor. Some ARE better than others. The one I got in my early grief was not a good one and I discontinued seeing him...unfortunately, at that time, we had no other grief counselors in the area (I live in the country). Maybe your local hospice would have some names. Do you have a friend that has seen a grief counselor, that you could ask for recommendations?

[MartyT]

Carrie, my dear, the fact that your psychologist friend is "sweet and easy to talk to" may be enough. Grief is not a pathological condition, and one doesn't need a whole bunch of fancy degrees to be a good listener. Depending on her age, I would expect that your friend has dealt with a number of significant losses in her life, so it's not as if she'd be totally unfamiliar with the normal grief process ~ and the fact that she is a psychologist certainly does help!

As I write in my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You,

Even if you’re mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need.

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)

Since you're willing to do some reading to help yourself better understand and cope with whatever you're experiencing, you may find these articles helpful, too:

Anticipating the Death of a Spouse

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

Anticipatory Grief, Caregiver Burnout, and the Primacy of Respite Care

[LadyCarrie]

Marty,

Thank you very much for responding, for your advice, and for the list of articles. I find your articles most helpful. Happy Sunday. Jerry and I were going to visit a little Southern Baptist Church at Sonora this morning, but he had a bad night. He groaned a lot, and was awake much of the night. The pastor came to give us such a warm invitation one day last week, so Jerry feels like he's letting him down. There no way Jerry is able to sit still for the service this morning (too much pain; too much agitation due to pain). I'm disappointed also that we can't attend, but I'm telling Jerry that we will try again next week. God is good. We have THIS day together.

Blessings,

Carrie

[MartyT]

Love and blessings to you and your precious Jerry as well, dear Carrie. Enjoy your day together, and I wish for you many, many more. ♥

[kayc]

Carrie,

How sweet that Jerry concerns himself with the pastor's feelings, even while he is in such pain! He sounds like a very special person. I'm sorry you can't attend church together today but, meanwhile, I hope you enjoy today together.

[LadyCarrie]

Kay,

Thank you also for responding. Yes, Jerry is a very special man, and he's so humble that he doesn't even realize this is so. I told him that I will email the pastor, so he will understand why we can't keep our word today. Jerry then felt somewhat better about it. He had told me, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong."

Jerry really should not be driving due to what he calls "dizzy spells," and I call vertigo (since I have Meniere's). He drives only occasionally, and I am there to take the wheel (not ideal, but I will harm him emotionally and psychologically, if I ask him to not drive at all; his doctors are aware, and Jerry is preparing himself).

As I've posted elsewhere, Jerry "grows" aneurysms (doctor's "fancy" medical terminology), which makes us wonder the cause of the dizziness. God forbid a brain aneurysm! I told his cardiologist, in Jerry's prescence, about the dizziness, and that Jerry made the decision to not have a CT, because he knows he can't have the surgery, even if needed. He knows this, because he needs hip surgery badly, but the doctors say that he likely couldn't withstand it. Jerry prefers for me to talk with the doctors for him about the hard, emotional issues, such as this one. The cardiologist said that he understands Jerry's choice to not know whether it's another aneurysm under the circumstances.

Jerry can't take pain medications that contain Tylenol due to his liver failure in 2013 (due to a 9 cm aneurysm at hepatic artery; he's on Coumadin, a blood thinner!). The 3 meds he can have are OxyContin (he's probably taken no more than 6 in a year, because it's for "severe" pain, and he's concered he might hurt even worse, and might need it even more and not have any); Soma, a muscle relaxer, which doesn't do a lot for pain; and a rare Celebrex, if he feels that he absolutely must have an anti-inflammatory (doctors are concerned about his taking meds due to his liver working on only the hepatic vein, and no artery). Long story short, he must endure a lot of pain daily, because medications can cause his liver to not work (cause his numbers to go high, and then he's in serious trouble again). His suffering hurts me so badly. Said bluntly, pain meds can kill him, so he does without unless the pain is so great that he cries (can you hear my silent screams?).

He has good days; and on those days, life is good, and our hearts sing. He is more like he's always been, and can enjoy his projects (electronics; remote control, plus). How I thank God for those "normal" days! On such a day, he might can drive to our favorite restaurant. We've taken so much for granted, but no more. Still, we are all right---mostly.

We are still praying for you, and for all on the forum, for we all hurt together. May God uplift each.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

Carrie, It must feel so helpless to not be able to fix things for him and to watch him going through the pain and all that goes with it. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

[LadyCarrie]

Kay,

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and care, especially since I know you are going through a particularly difficult time with your recent surgery, and difficulty receiving the care you need to recuperate well and quickly. You are sweet to think of me, and so many others, in your own time of need.

Some of us "take charge," Type A temperament, people do indeed feel helpless when we can't "fix" whatever needs fixing (perhaps we have this in common?). It's so hurtful and frustrating to lie beside Jerry at night, and hear him moaning softly, even in his sleep. Sometimes massaging his painful areas helps him, and gives me something useful to do; other times, massage causes more intense pain and agitation (and he apologizes for it!). Yes, when I can't give him medicine, or even rub him, I feel helpless. I lie beside him, and massage his head. He has always loved that, and this I can do. Rubbing his grand silver head relaxes him, and sometimes enables him to sleep. I lie beside him, and I beg God to ease the pain that causes him to nearly spontaneously jump out of bed. Thankfully, Jerry still has good days. He's nearly always in pain to some level, but he does get reprieves.

You know that I've pushed against the word Caregiver, although I am grateful for the privilege of taking care of Jerry. I am eager to do everything possible for him, and have been for almost two years (January 23). For 46 years, I've sought to please him; even when he was the strongest, most capable man I've ever known. He's the one who takes care of the rest of us; our "go to" person. Everything within me screams, "This can't be happening to my Jerry!!!"

I am pushing against the position of Caregiver out of fear that this is the best he will ever get. This fear (knowledge) is my real problem with the word. I accepted knowing that my precious mother would get no better, and I gladly accepted the position and all responsibilities of her Caregiver. Remembering those days of feeding, batheing, and diapering her, causes me to feel like I can't let my sophisticated, dignified Jerry become in that condition. I think my love and respect for him causes me to fight against him "needing" a caregiver, rather than my "becoming" his caregiver. I can accept my responsibilities and duties as his wife changing much easier than I can accept his needing a caregiver, for the latter means he won't ever get better, but worse.

Thank you for listening while I try to sort out my feelings. I so eagerly do whatever he needs, or even wants, done. Doing for him makes me happy, and always has. It's his having need that I can hardly bear. I can't, except by the strength and stamina God gives to me.

Were I with you, I'd give you a hug; so here goes, consider yourself hugged. I'd also do something useful, and cook and clean for you. I don't like to cook; do you have something that needs sewn? (Smile). I sew well, and people tell me that I'm a good cook. I'm quite interested in nutrition, so I'd feed you well.

Blessings,

Carrie

[MartyT]

Carrie, my dear, you sound like the sweetest woman in the world, and just as you feel fortunate that a man like Jerry is your husband, I think your precious man is blessed to have you as his wife too. ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You've touched my heart, so I have tears of gratitude rolling down my cheeks. Thank you for caring, and for understanding. I have longed to be understood since Jerry first became ill. I've felt near to bursting at my "seams." I think perhaps I'm beginning to be understood, and I thank God, and the people on this forum, for this understanding.

Like a young boy once said to me, "I'm crying with both eyes."

Blessings,

Carrie

To All:

I realize that I have yet to experience the ultimate pain (for me), yet it's important to me that I be understood. Except for the ultimate loss itself, I experienced the powerful emotions many of you experienced. I know the fear, the frantic, smothering, near-panicked terror of being told that my darling, the love of my life, the primary source of my livelihood, and a most primary reason for my desire to live, was expected to die. I stood in the hallway and begged God, over and over, "Please, Lord, If you take Jerry, please, please, take me, too." Day after day, this was my prayer. It wasn't that I wanted to leave my only child, my precious Amberly (how I hoped she understood); instead, I just didn't think I could live without Jerry.

I know the terrible fear of "amputation," for I live it. Unlike many of you, I have yet to experience the amputation itself, but I live with the fear of it. It is always present with me, at all hours of the day and night. I tell myself that I might die before Jerry dies, for this is possible. I am somewhat comforted by this thought, until I remember that I would not want Jerry to suffer the sacrifice of being lost and alone, sick, and without me.

While Jerry was in Step Down, before he fully understood his condition, he lay on his bed praying for all those who cried out in pain. He said that he felt "so sorry for all the sick people." His roommate had pneumonia, and would be going home; however, the equipment (CPAP) on him made loud noise, and he cried out often due to his advanced age and dementia. Jerry thought the poor fellow was in agony. Jerry reached for my hand, and said with such deep compassion, "We sometimes forget how blessed we are until we see someone who is so much worse off than we are." I wanted to bolt for the door, but I couldn't do that, for Jerry would not have understood. It was so difficult to hear him say this, because I knew there was NO ONE in more danger, in the entire Step Down, than he. I screamed and screamed, but only I knew. Many of you will understand those silent screams that rip through your heart, and at your very soul.

Adjectives such as strong, brave, and stoic are sometimes used to describe me. Don't they really see me? Don't they know that I feel more like a child looking for a lap (but it's Jerry's lap for which I will forever look)? I must be a danged good actress! I try hard to keep Jerry from catching me crying. The bathtub is a great place to cry, and mentally scream out my hatred toward Death. I can splash my face with water with lightning speed now; bath water and tears are indistinguishable.

Blessings to each,

Carrie

[kayc]

I agree...they both sound like very lovely people!

[LadyCarrie]

Kay,

Bless your dear heart, and thank you. As I was just now getting the coffee set up for our mad dash for it in the morning, (do you really believe our "mad dash"?), the thought occurred to me that I might have accidentally used your word, "sacrifice." I just looked, and I did. I didn't mean to plagiarize. I'm sorry. I know I learned the word in this sense from you. It just seems so appropriate. It got stuck in my mind, and I used it during a "squalling fit." That seems to be a good term for when I've lost every bit of my dignity, and am close to outright howling (like my Doxie hounds who can get a good howl going when I "abandon" them to go to another room for five minutes without letting them know).

Blessings,

Carrie