It's Been 8 Months Since My Mom Died And I'm Losing It!

[Hooverla]

I don't even know where to begin. I lost my mom 8 months ago. She was 70 years old and she had COPD. I feel as though I am still in a fog.

I always found myself in denial of how sick she really was. When she would tell me that she didn't feel good I would roll my eyes or say it's because she needs to get out of the house. Or I would blame it on the weather. I would even blame all of the medication she was on. I would come up with any way to excuse it all away. I should have been more understanding. I just wanted her to be better. I didn't want to accept that she was really sick. If I had it to do over I would have just held her and pampered her.

After a bad COPD related illness in Dec of 2013 things became really bad. She spent more time in the hospital than out. The time spent in the hospital was filled with so many ups and downs. ICU, emergency surgeries, being moved to an acute care center then back to the ER and ICU to Palliative care. We would have hope one minute and then be crushed the next. I stayed by her side the entire time. Thanks to hospital WIFI I was able to work from her room and the bedside table became my new desk.

She went into the hospital in March and did not make it back home. She came to my house through Hospice on Friday June 13. She passed away on Monday June 16, 2014. I was able to pray over her, pamper her and play her favorite gospel hymns. It was the greatest honor to be able to care for her in her final days.

My parents celebrated their 54th anniversary New Years Day 2014. Which was also the 9 year anniversary of my brother's death. He died of AIDS and he suffered a very long slow death. My mother cared for him in her home. Watching her own son die a little each day for over a year. Having 2 children of my own I can't even imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been. We were very close and his death was the hardest thing I had experienced in my life...until now.

Right after my mom died I felt as if I was beginning to suffer the same symptoms that she had. I thought that because I refused to accept how she felt all those years now Karma will make sure that I feel it first hand. I told my husband and he said I was being ridiculous. It felt very real to me. I later read an article that this is sometimes a symptom of grief.

Two months after her death while eating breakfast, out of the blue, a rush came over me. I became very light headed. My heart began to pound out of my chest. I was extremely dizzy and I couldn't breathe. My entire body was trembling and I honestly thought I was dying. I took my blood pressure it was 186/112. That confirmed it. I was having a heart attack. My husband took me to the ER and it turned out to be an anxiety/panic attack. I had never experienced anything like that in my life! They thought it may have been caused by my thyroid being out of balance. After plenty of follow up visits with my Dr. and lab work it was determined that I am in perfect health. I have since also found that anxiety is a symptom of grief. Although I have learned to control them through breathing and self talk I still live in fear of the attacks.

I feel that it's never the right time or place to cry so I have mastered the art of holding it in. I have had to help my dad deal with his loss. He was totally dependent on my mom. He is healthy but they come from the generation of the wife being the homemaker. He had never even made a sandwich or stepped foot in a grocery store. I have had to take on 2 households not to mention two budgets and my full time job. My dad has come along way over the past 8 months with cooking, cleaning and shopping. He also began seeing another woman within the first 6 weeks of my mom's death which is a whole other story and I'm sure I have already exceeded the post limit. I'll just say that I was NOT ready for that!

My stomach feels like it is in shreds and I have lost a lot of weight due to a nervous stomach and lack of appetite. I feel so exhausted all the time. I want to go to bed and stay there. Life is too much to handle. I am now having to double check all of my work because my brain is mush. I feel like I'm losing it. Although I have read some of the same words in other post I can't help but think no one knows how I feel. I never expected these physical symptoms. Maybe my brothers death caused the final decline of my mom's health and her death will be the death of me. It's been 8 months. I know that grief takes time. I know I will never be the same. Everything I read says this is normal. I'm also beginning to have memories of how I grieved for my brother and even my grandmother. My mom's mom died 5 years after my brother.

I am sorry that I have rambled on but I feel like this process has become more about how I feel physically and mentally instead of being able to genuinely grieve and miss my mom. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and thank you for allowing me to ramble on here.

[Gigi-T]

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother and brother. I can relate to your post so much, especially the part where you said you began to suffer the same symptoms that your mother had. My father passed away seven weeks ago from CHF, kidney failure, heart attack and pneumonia of unknown etiology. He suffered respiratory distress before he died in Comfort Care in the hospital. Since his death, I feel like I am suffering the same symptoms that he had. I sometimes find myself feeling somewhat short of breath from a mysterious chronic bronchitis that doesn't respond to antibiotics. It started about the same time my dad developed walking pneumonia which also didn't go away completely with antibiotics. I also feel like Karma is making me feel these things, because I didn't pamper my dad enough during his last day at home. I was in denial and thought his fatigue the day before he entered the hospital was from not having slept well the night before.. Usually, I would stay up late to monitor him at night, but that night he couldn't sleep, I went to bed early because I was very tired. I wish I had stayed up that night so I could have comforted him. he told me he had not slept because he was thinking about a good movie we had watched the night before and was wondering what would happen in the sequel (which is still in production). I thought this was a benign reason for not being able to sleep. The following day he said he thought one of his medications wasn't agreeing with him. We were scheduled to see his doctor the next day, but he had to be admitted to the hospital that night for shortness of breath. I'm glad I stayed up late that last night he was home so I was able to monitor him and call 911. He seemed to be getting better in the hospital with oxygen therapy until he had a heart attack later the same day. My long post describes his ordeal in the hospital.

My father lost his appetite in the hospital and I have lost my appetite since he died. I can still eat, but not like before he died. My dad had high blood pressure and now I have suddenly developed high blood pressure which I didn't have before. I sometimes feel nervous tension in my stomach, chest and throat. I am suffering from chronic insomnia -- I did before he died, but now it's worse. So now every day I feel fatigued and out of sorts -- like my father felt before he died. Sometimes I experience waves of heat over my body without having a temperature -- my dad felt unusually warm when his kidneys started failing, also without having a fever. I feel anxious when I think about his suffering or even the good times we had, because I'll never be able to enjoy his company again. I also feel like my dad's death will be the death of me, because I can't enjoy my life anymore and I'm having these strange symptoms. As my dad was detaching from the world, he no longer wanted to watch tv or listen to music. Now I can't watch tv or listen to music without becoming sad and anxious. I am seeing a doctor on Friday to find out if there's something physically wrong with me

I wish you healing and comfort.

[MartyT]

My dear, you say you are eight months into your grief journey, and I am struck by your comment, I feel that it's never the right time or place to cry so I have mastered the art of holding it in. I hope you realize that it takes far more energy to hold onto your grief reactions than it does to let them out. Given all that you are juggling (managing two households, two budgets and a full-time job) I doubt if you've taken any time to unpack your grief, much less work through your feelings. You don't say what, if any, support you've received over these last few months, and it sounds as if you're trying to do everything (including your grief) all by yourself.

It's good to know that you've done some reading about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, because doing so will help you to feel less "crazy" and alone, and you will discover various ways to manage your own reactions more effectively. Things that have worked for others may work for you, too.

I'm going to point you to some additional articles that I hope you will find helpful, too. Note that each of these articles includes links to additional resources. I hope you will make some time to read them:

Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Coping with Cumulative Losses

Delayed Grief Goes Unresolved, Negatively Impacts A Marriage

Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of you mom. I'm sure she understood why you were minimizing her health issues. It's common to feel guilt after loss, we go over and over in our mind the last days and wish we'd said/done something differently. Learning to forgive and be understanding with ourselves is an important part of our grief journey that we need to work through.

It's so important to lend expression to your feelings and not bottle it up. It'll likely come out in physical symtoms if you don't find a healthy release. I don't know if you've ever used a pressure cooker before, but you put the water & jars into the pressure cooker, turn it on high until it gets to the desired pounds of pressure, then turn it down to maintain that level. When steam starts coming out of the valve, you let it release for seven minutes, then you cap it to maintain your pressure until your jars are processed. Tears are like the release valve on the pressure cooker. If you let the pressure continue to build in the pressure cooker, it would explode! The same is true for us, it's healthy for us to have a time to let our tears release. When my husband passed, I remember driving out in the woods where no one could hear me scream! It's okay to cry, "being strong" doesn't help anyone, let alone you. The problem with maintaining a "being strong" facade is no one will get what you are going through or understand.

Have you considered a grief support group? It might help to interact with others who are going through the same thing. It really helps to feel understood and know what you are experiencing is normal.

[Hooverla]

Gigi-T

Thank you for your response. I have learned that when we are inside of our own bubble of grief our minds can be our worst enemy. If you take a step back and look at all of the symptoms that you are feeling you will see that they are all on the list of grief symptoms. Shortness of breath, insomnia, nausea, lack of appetite, nervousness, anxiety, and even lack of interest in things that we used to do.

I think that we are consciously and subconsciously replaying the days and events leading up to the death of our parents over and over in our heads so that anything we feel or do in this process seems to spark a memory that we can physically relate to. It's exhausting.

I can say all of these things to you but convincing myself of it is a different story. I went to the doctor and received a clean bill of health. I wish the same for you because when I am having a really bad day I can remind myself of those results. The anxiety attacks are scary and I think they are the root of my nerves, stomach issues, shortness of breath and heart pounding. I just wish they would go away but apparently That is is how I am dealing with this grief....through anxiety.

Thanks again and I wish you healing, comfort and strength in your journey.

[Hooverla]

Mary and Kay C,

Thank you for your advice. I have been taking measures to MAKE myself cry. I feel that I have held it in for so long that I cannot release it now. But when it does come it comes full force.

I was feeling better once the holidays were over but the closer it got to her birthday Feb.9 and Valentines Day, well it all started again with the anxiety, loss of appetite, jitters, lack of concentration and the exhaustion. It's been a couple of weeks now and I desperately want to gain control and strength in this. I can handle being sad but all the rest is making me feel angry, embarrassed that I'm ALWAYS feeling sick and I dread anything that we have planned in the future because I'm afraid I will ruin it. Our 20th wedding anniversary is in March and I get a HUGE knot in my stomach when I think about it.

As far as talking to someone well I feel that everyone has already moved on and they think that I should have also. My husband is very supportive but I feel that he must think I'm hanging on too long. I guess I just want someone to make it all go away or say that one magic word that will heal me and I know that isn't going to happen. I just need some kind of hope for the future. I don't want to feel this way from now on. I read these post and it scares me to see that people are still grieving years afterwards. I just don't know if I can handle that.

I also feel that going to a grief counselor would worry my family because they just don't understand.

Thank you for the articles and thank you for your response.

[MartyT]

My dear, you are correct in your observation that most of our members "are still grieving years afterwards" ~ but what you may be missing is that grief (like everything else in life) changes as time goes on, and we change right along with it. We can change in healthy ways, by learning all the different ways we can work with and better carry our grief, or we can change in unhealthy ways, by becoming clinically depressed, chronically ill, neurotically anxious, or afflicted with any number of other maladies.

Notice what our veteran members keep saying: that over time, by doing our "grief work" (see what we mean by "grief work" here: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief ) our grief becomes more bearable. You see, when we truly love someone, the grief we feel at the loss of that person never really leaves us. We simply learn how to live with the enormity and the reality of the loss. That takes time and effort ~ but we never, ever really stop missing or forgetting the one we loved so much ~ and why would we want to do that anyway? Death ends a life, but it certainly does not end the relationship we had with the one who died. Love is forever, just as long as we keep the memories alive.

As for worrying your family by going to see a grief counselor, maybe a little education would help. See, for example, Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief? I suggest that first you read that article yourself, and then consider inviting your concerned family members to read it, too.

[Hooverla]

Thank you so much Marty T.

I'm just having a bad couple of days. I actually took today off from work because I felt that I really needed some time to regroup and refresh. Not to mention I just feel terrible. I have began reading and reading and more reading. I am so glad that I found this site. I can already tell that it will be an enormous help.

I have had a few co-workers that have called in sick feeling weak, tired, shaky and upset stomach. Maybe I actually have a bug this time on top of the hard time I have been having with mom's b-day. It's so hard to tell cold symptoms from grief symptoms nowadays.

Thanks again for your advice.

[katrina407]

Hi, I was taking care of my MOM, I so I do not want to say the wrong thing to you, at this time of your grief. But give yourself TIME, it has been three years for me, and it still hurts, when I see her clothes, ear rings she wore, etc. I have a lot of friends, but it seems they are too busy, to spend time these days.So God bless to you, katrina407 sends to you.xx

[kayc]

Marty made a very good point. I am here nearly ten years after my husband's death because I want to give back to the place that was a life saver to me...that and the fact that grief never does go completely away, you will always miss your loved one, but as Marty says, it is ever changing. It is much easier for me to cope now, not as intense, I rarely cry anymore, although I can still get hit with a grief burst without warning, it's more rare now. Never has one day gone by but what I've missed him and wished he could still be here. But it's something I've accepted and learned to live with. It will be this way the rest of my life. The same is true for my mom, who passed away in August. And my granddoggy, Skye, who passed 1 1/2 years ago. It's important to express yourself, let yourself feel and experience the pain, shed the tears, it's okay, there is no "time frame". We are all as individual in our grief as your relationships were unique. Everyone copes differently. This is not something to "get over" but rather learn how to incorporate into our now new lives. Some refer to that as our "new normal", a description of the life that we have now. Everything in my life seems to be divided into "before" and "after" my husband's death.

It can be hard, living with your husband or kids that don't get it, when you are grieving, but perhaps you can carve out some time just for you to grieve when they are gone...maybe go for a drive or walk somewhere you can be alone and just cry, think, scream, contemplate, whatever you need to do. I'm lucky in that I live in the country and can go for walks on forest service trails...I've lived alone now for a number of years so it isn't an issue, but I think if my family were still here, I'd be hitting the trails and going for a long walk/hike alone to let out my feelings in peace.

[Hooverla]

It's been a couple of days and I still feel physically ill. I have read so many articles and I am assuming this is a grief burst that I'm going through? I would be fine if it were about crying, facing my sadness, etc. I can do that. It's these physical symptoms that are so hard. I have grieved the loss of a loved one before but it has NEVER been like this.

Hot flashes, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, dizziness, shaky, weak, loss of appetite, butterflies in my stomach, inability to focus, the list goes on and on. I have gone through these episodes 3 times already each lasting about a weak. The week leading up to Thanksgiving, the week between Christmas and New year and now her February birthday/Valentines Day.

I know it is grief related because of the timing. It's just scary because I never knew of these symptoms before. My dad is also experiencing them. It eases my mind to know these are a part of grieving but in the midst of it I can't help but worry that I will feel this way from now on. My mind starts running away with me and I picture myself losing my job, mu husband leaving me and me just becoming a mental case. I assume this is what is meant when I have read that some people feel like they are going crazy?

I had a long talk with my husband and he understands more than I give him credit for. I have always been strong and healthy and I guess I worry about what others must think of me being so weak and sickly. I keep saying to him that I won't always be like this and he just smiles and says "Honey it's fine. Your sad. Your depressed. You're gonna be okay and quit worrying about what I'm thinking"

I know that I bring a lot on myself. Like I don't already have enough worry and stress without me putting more pressure on myself.

I do chose life! I will pull through this! I am journaling and writing here is also helping. I am trying to face and grow from this I just hope it doesn't kill me in the process. I am eager to become the woman that God is molding me into! I'm not sure what is meant by honoring your grief, but I'm going to do what I can to make sure that I come through this a new , stronger person for my children, husband and my dad. Even if it feels like I'm losing my mind on occasion.

I hope that my words help someone else that may be feeling and going through what I'm going through. It has helped me to read that I am not the only one that feels this way. Thank you.

[kayc]

Perhaps your doctor can help you alleviate some of the anxiety symptoms you are experiencing, I found a medicine that is very safe and mild and it helps me so much to be able to cope better, but I have GAD, so it's not just from grief, I like that it's non-addictive and doesn't take away my feelings, more like takes some of the edge off so I can deal with it.

I'm glad to hear your husband does understand. Maybe you can work on giving yourself the understanding and patience you would give to someone else in your shoes. Be kind to yourself. Practice self care.

[Hooverla]

Kayc,

My doctor did give me an extremely mild xanax. I have heard how addicting xanax can be so I even have anxiety towards taking them. I do not want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. However, lately my anxiety has become so bad that I have taken one at times to take the edge off and to calm my stomach enough to be able to eat. It is the lowest dose possible (.25) so it does not have much impact. Can you tell me the name of what you are taking? I have looked into natural remedies but I am on thyroid, hormone and cholesterol meds and I always worry about how things may interfere with my meds.

I am feeling better a little each day so I know I'm pulling through this. But when the anxiety strikes it knocks the wind out if my sails. People who have never suffered the attacks can never understand how debilitating they are and how mentally and physically exhausting they are.

[kayc]

Trazodone 50 mg
This is used for a sleep aide, but has also been used to treat depression and anxiety, but it would have to be taken regularly for that and probably 150 mg (best time released for that)...I only take in once in a great while when I really need a good night's sleep.

You might want to check with your doctor about whether you need to take your Xanax regularly for it to be effective for your anxiety. My Buspirone (for anxiety) I take regularly. I take the smallest dosage, (15 mg) 1/2 tablet in am and 1 tablet in pm.

[Gigi-T]

Thank you for your good wishes, Hooverla. I also have anxiety and am afraid to take Xanax, even though I have a bottle of it sitting right in front of me. I'm already hooked on Ambien and Ativan. This evening I posted about my struggle with sleep meds on my original thread, but I just wanted to say again how I truly sympathize with what you are going through, especially lately that my anxiety seems to be worse, perhaps from benzo withdrawal. I still suffer from negative thought loops, flashbacks of my dad's suffering, worrying that I should have done some things differently, etc.

My recent lab work confirmed I'm ok except for high cholesterol, but I'm afraid to take statins. If it were up to me, I'd take even more tests, for my own peace of mind, but doctors and insurance don't work that way. I'm not a hypochondriac -- before seeking medical attention these past two months since my dad died, I had only seen a doctor in 1999 and 2009 for an ear infection/tinnitus and chronic insomnia. I don't mean to discourage you or anyone from taking a medication that is helping you, but I have a friend who tried to take cholesterol lowering medication and it made her very anxious. Statins made another friend throw up nine times. My late neighbor's niece, an opera singer, appeared on national television a few years back talking about how statins caused damage to the tendons in her legs. There's also an interesting video on YouTube called The Lipitor Paradox. However, I know that statins help some people who don't suffer any side effects. Both my half brother and his wife take cholesterol lowering drugs and they have helped lower their cholesterol without any problems. I'm just mentioning all this to explain why I'm afraid to take cholesterol lowering drugs.

I'll be going to see a psychologist on Tuesday, God willing. If he has any good suggestions about grief, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc., I'll pass them along. I sincerely hope you continue to feel better each day.

[Hooverla]

I am currently taking Simvastatin for high cholesterol. This was diagnosed at the hospital during my first panic/anxiety attack. They blamed my thyroid.

Since my last post I did pull out of the February funk that I was in. Now I'm in it again! The month of March is an extremely busy month for me. We just got back from a weekend get away with friends that stressed me to the max for many reasons but the main one being that I am scared to death that I will have an anxiety/panic attack and ruin the trip. So needless to say the fear of the attack kept me borderline all weekend. I was totally wiped out by the time we got home on Sunday.

Next week I have a business trip and I have to do a huge presentation in front of many people and the VP of the company! Need I say more? I'm a mess with anxiety!

When I return from the business trip my husband and I are leaving for Vegas to celebrate our 20th anniversary. God give me strength and healing!!

I went to the Doctor today because I only have 4 Xanax left for emergencies and I'm a nervous wreck thinking about my to dos for this month. The doctor feels that I am developing symptoms that are "not normal" in grief. He says that I should not live in this kind of anxiety towards doing things that should be providing happiness. I agree but I am having a hard time accepting his observation. I still feel that it is due to grief. He wants me to begin taking an antidepressant. He says it will act as a bridge to help me become stronger and well. It would not be long term and would be re-evaluated after 3-6 months and then he would begin taking me off of it.

I hate ALL of this. He did give me 30 days of samples and left it up to me. He also refilled a 30 day Xanax that I also do not like taking but feel better knowing I have it for emergency.

I use to be so strong and never intimidated. I loved public speaking. What has happened to me? Is this due to grief? I just need advise and reassurance. Is it grief related if I'm not even thinking of my mom at the time?? Does anyone else have anxiety towards work and trips and fear that they will have another panic attack at a bad time? I NEVER had anxiety before this. I was a worry wart but never these anxiety attacks that make me feel like I'm either dying or having a heart attack.

Thank you for listening.

[Gigi-T]

My heart goes out to you. I also never felt so anxious before my dad died, except for one incident back in a hotel room in 1999 in Mexico when I suffered my first panic attack. I was watching tv by myself in bed when suddenly I felt very nervous. My heart was racing and I felt anxious feelngs in my stomach. I had to get up and walk around until the sensation passed. My father and a family friend were down the hall in another room, but I didn't want to wake anybody up. I had been upset with my dad earlier because I was stuck in a hotel room by myself on my last night in Mexico. I thought to myself I didn't come all this way to do something I could do at home: sit in a room and watch tv, but I didn't want to go out alone and worry my dad. You see, as a longtime caregiver for various relatives, I didn't get a lot of opportunities for fun and adventure so I had pinned a lot of hopes on that trip. I did have some adventures, but being it was my last night before going home, I was desperate to have a bit more fun before it was all over. Later the next mornng when I told my dad about my panic attack, he said maybe the room was haunted.

I personally am afraid to take antidepressants because I'd worry about going through withdrawal. Even my neighbor who is recovering from breast cancer doesn't want to take an antidepressant. She takes marijuana candies to help relax her. My other neighbor said her niece became suicidal while on an antidepressant. Other people I know seem to tolerate drugs like Prozac, Zoloft and Lexapro very well, though Zoloft and Lexapro tend to produce vivid dreams. An aunt took Prozac for a short time after the death of her husband. She said it helped her and she was able to stop taking it without any problem, but everyone is different, of course.

Naturally, having a panic attack would make anybody worry about having another one, even if they weren't going through grief. I would try to remind yourself that you already survived your previous attacks and you've also given successful presentations before, an activity you normally enjoy and find rewarding. You can do it! Whn you have a panic attack, you are experiencing physical symptoms that you have to let pass, just as you would the pain you'd feel if you stubbed your toe. The feeling is very uncomfortable but it will pass and you are not in danger. If you're well prepared for your presentation you will be fine. Anxiety triggers more anxiety -- now you have a learned behavior to associate anxiety with panic attacks. You have to unlearn this behavior -- it might be helpful to have cognitive behavioral therapy. It may take several tries to find a good therapist. I've tried three therapists already myself, without any luck, but I'm going to try to find one who knows how to do cognitive behavioral therapy. One therapist told me she knew how to do it. I kept waiting but she never got around to it. When I was crying, she just handed me a box of tissues and said, "You are still very emotional. I think you are becoming depressed."

You may have heard that breathing with your stomach helps calm anxiety. I've been taking Glysom packets which contain the amino acid glycine for anxiety and insomnia. It seems to be helping me taper down my dose of Ativan.. Exercise such as brisk walking helps relieve stress and release endorphins. I wish you the best of luck.

[kayc]

It can be due to grief. It's not uncommon to have anxiety...if you had it before your loss, perhaps it isn't, but if it's something new, that may be the case. Have you seen a grief counselor?

I wish you well with the presentation and hope when you and your husband celebrate you anniversary, it is a time of rest and relaxation for you.

[Hooverla]

Hello! I just wanted to check in and let you know that I remained in control throughout the entire business trip and my presentation went great!

Last week I made up my mind that I was going to pull out of this dark pit that I've been in for so long. I just kept telling myself that grief is not an illness. It is a process. But NOT a physical illness like the flu or a disease. The only way I am going to begin healing is to begin putting one foot in front of the other until I am finally out of the fog. I have to begin combating negative thoughts and emotions with positive thoughts of healing. It is time that I begin honoring my mom's death and the legacy that she left behind. Although I felt like I was forever lost in this dizzy, out of control, blinding fog, within one week I already feel like I am beginning to see a dim light ahead. It takes a lot of mind control and focus but I am determined to find happiness again. Anxiety still tries to get it's grip on me but I am stronger than one single emotion. Grief is not an illness. Grief is not a disease. I can overcome this.

I'm not denying my feelings. I cry when I need to cry. I feel over come with sadness at times but I'm not setting up camp there anymore. I can't. I have to enjoy and appreciate MY life. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say, "Life IS a gift".

When I feel anxiety setting in and my heart starts to pound out of chest I just say," Anxiety, I know who you are now and I'm not going to let you take control" I take deep stomach breaths and start singing or reading or call someone to take my mind of the anxiety. If I have in my mind that it is stronger than me, it always wins. When I realize I am the one causing and controlling the anxiety I win.

I have a lot of good opportunities happening in my life right now and I don't want to look back on them years for now and only remember the anxiety and sadness. My mom would be devastated if she knew that her death caused this much sadness and fear inside of me. I'm heading to Vegas with my husband on Monday to celebrate our 20th anniversary. It would hurt her so much if she knew that her death was the reason that I did not enjoy my anniversary. I have to stop blaming her death for ruining my life. That's exactly what I'm doing when I live in my grief and allow it to take over. I would NEVER want my daughter to feel this physically and mentally upset over me. I am making a conscious decision to stop "living in my grief" and begin my journey back into the land of the living. It won't happen overnight but it will happen.

I''m sorry mom, you taught me everything but how to live without you. I am learning to do that now. I will always miss you so much. I can only hope to become as strong and courageous as you were.

This is where I am right now and time will tell where I will be. For now, I am learning to be okay with being happy. For now, I'm learning to smile again.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

[MartyT]

Good for you, dear one ~ good for you! And Happy 20th Anniversary to you and your husband! ♥

[kayc]

I'm glad your presentation went well and very glad you feel you are able to get your anxiety under control. I wish you a very happy anniversary!

[Gigi-T]

I'm so glad you are feeling better. Happy Anniversary! A good marriage is truly something to celebrate. I'd be over the moon if I just had a boyfriend.

[kayc]

You never know, Gigi! It can happen...

[Mommy's girl]

Hi everyone,

I recently found this blog and I've read through some of the entries -- it made me sad to read about others' pain but at the same time, gave me a measure of comfort that we are all in the same boat and there is compassion and understanding. My mom passed away Thanksgiving Day, 2013 at the age of 74 after two very intensive months of rapidly progressive dementia. It was extremely heart wrenching to see a vibrant woman (and former physician) physically and mentally deteriorate before my eyes. Since I spent 12 hours a day, 7 days a week by her side, in many ways I couldn't fathom she was going to pass and I had mere weeks to prepare for it.

Like the original poster, I never had an anxiety attack before so I had the same symptoms like restlessness, heart palpitations, loss of appetite, insomnia, and fatigue about a month after my mom's death. I had been talking to my estranged father (also a physician) who lives in another country and my emotions ranged between deep anger and resentment at him to extreme pain at my mom's absence.

Never in my life have I ever been on such an emotional roller coaster. I hated it because it wasn't me. I feared it because it would become the new me. I was not and have not been on any anti-depressants.

Through Hospice, I began 12 weeks of bereavement group support two months after my mom's passing because I felt I couldn't get through the process alone. The sessions helped because it separated the issues so I could grieve in a healthy manner. For instance, I had to be reminded and remind myself that if my mom continued to live, she would be in a permanent quadriplegic state with no ability to communicate. Her physical deterioration was irreversible and therefore any wish that I had for her not to die was irrational and unrealistic. So I let that thought go. Next, I've learned that my loss was actually three cumulative losses - loss of a parent, colleague, and confidant. As to the first loss, I thought about how my mom had long stopped parenting me. In fact, I took over as her caregiver by taking her to her doctor's appointments, cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, entertaining her via traveling for many years. As for the second and third loss, these were not exclusive qualities found only in her. I could actually go out and find them (as I should) in a mate. The letter writing exercises were memorable as well because I am able to step into her shoes and provide self-comfort. I recalled the hospice nurse said everything about my mother was already inside me but I just didn't know it yet. In that sense, I would never really be alone because part of her would always be there. (I say only the good part of her, because I can do bad all by myself.)

As my birthday and the one year anniversary death of my mom approached, I felt a new level of sadness. Combined with some anger and hostility issues. I have always had a quick temper and limited patience but after my mom is gone, it had gotten worse. If I am lucky, I could channel it to work productivity (which I have.) Other times, I look for an opportunity to unleash my wrath. To help me, I started one on one bereavement counseling. The therapist suggested I slow whatever causes my anger down, break it apart, and examine it to get to the root of the anger. More often than not, anger is a way to mask pain. I am not sure about that because it doesn't explain why I feel like getting a baseball bat and just beat the pulp out of someone, anyone. That feeling would quickly dissipate if some random person simply strikes a familiar chord with me. The problem is I don't have control over when these good or bad feelings come and go. When my mom was around, I could simply talk to her and everything would feel better. She usually tell me to calm down, relax, and not get bogged down/obsess. When the problem is too big, break it down in smaller chunks to avoid feeling overwhelmed. It worked better when she said it instead of me saying it to myself now.

I do miss my mom, but I miss her most vibrant younger self. She told me that she physically felt like she was going downhill after the age of 70. Although I appreciated her age and wisdom and our ability to connect on an adult level and have deep meaningful conversations, I do not miss watching her grimace at taking her handful vitamins and other medications every day. I also do not miss worrying about her worrying about me as she got older and more fearful. My mom had a great life -- she was high achieving, accomplished her goals, and did things that made her truly happy. Sure there were bumps along the road of life but when you look back, you tend to forget the slights and remember the joys. If daughters eventually turn into their mothers, I get to look forward to a hopeful and content life in my old age.

[MartyT]

Such a wonderful description of what you gained from group and individual grief counseling, my dear, which I'm sure will be helpful to others who may be reluctant to try it. Thank you! ♥