Janka Posted March 16, 2018 Report Share Posted March 16, 2018 6 hours ago, TomPB said: Janka, those are beautiful. Was gonna send you a Crete photo but they seem to be messed up will try my other computer. The panda is the sad panda, expressing how I feel about losing my other half. Dear Tom, it´s been 3 years today since I started this thread of mine dedicated to my beloved man Jan forever...3 long years...and I´m still here...and couldn´t leave...and will always come back...because it´s all for him only... No matter how much time has passed by...it always hurts...because this love will never end...it is forever... I´m sorry for your loss and hope that my post on this site may put a smile on your face... Hugs from Janka 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 16, 2018 Report Share Posted March 16, 2018 Thanks Janka. I totally relate to your grief, as it sounds like my own ❤️🐼 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 18, 2018 Report Share Posted March 18, 2018 On 17.2.2018 at 7:57 PM, Cookie said: I also go from okay to intense grief still. It can be discouraging. I related to you saying you didn't know how to ride the wave. Not sure I understand either. These feelings seem to come of their own accord and leave the same way. Sometimes it makes me crazy...no control over it and tired of it also.....Cookie Dear Cookie! That´s how I feel it too.It does make things complicated to be misunderstood by people around who never felt that way.Everything is good until comes a wave of new shock,stress or other disaster and there´s needed a big power to go through.Those are the moments among states of peace and joy when things seem to be ok and there is something to look forward to.Anyhow it has so far away from the happiness we used to have before.I´ve found to be helpful my faith in God.Since then I manage all of those states of being much better.Lately I experienced it once again and being in the church,listening to the words of Holy Scripture and praying to God was very helpful and made me understand many things at that moment,so I found myself to be calm after.I think it´d be much easier having a family or someone close to me day after day.Being alone always makes things worse from time to time and having friends only can´t replace the hole in my heart. Hugs from Janka 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 18, 2018 Report Share Posted March 18, 2018 On 16.3.2018 at 5:42 PM, TomPB said: Thanks Janka. I totally relate to your grief, as it sounds like my own ❤️🐼 Dear Tom, another stress hit me again and it caused me such a headache that I can´t get rid of it by now.My mind is calm,because I have a strong belief and something to look forward to,but my body feels all of the load inside.It´s all graven in it,we just try to be in peace to make things better,every time,again and again,to find a strength for going on and on day by day.Each of us has its own way and for me it is God.I hope that you can find yours too to lessen the pain you feel inside as well as I do. PS:This cloud is gonna leave too,it just warns about those things we must get through. Hugs from Janka 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 On 03/17/2018 at 8:18 PM, Janka said: Dear Cookie! That´s how I feel it too.It does make things complicated to be misunderstood by people around who never felt that way.Everything is good until comes a wave of new shock,stress or other disaster and there´s needed a big power to go through.Those are the moments among states of peace and joy when things seem to be ok and there is something to look forward to.Anyhow it has so far away from the happiness we used to have before.I´ve found to be helpful my faith in God.Since then I manage all of those states of being much better.Lately I experienced it once again and being in the church,listening to the words of Holy Scripture and praying to God was very helpful and made me understand many things at that moment,so I found myself to be calm after.I think it´d be much easier having a family or someone close to me day after day.Being alone always makes things worse from time to time and having friends only can´t replace the hole in my heart. Hugs from Janka Janka: I call God the Universe and I talk to it every day, mostly asking for help in having grace, getting through this somehow; sometimes now I can even thank it for the things I do have and the moments that are peaceful or contain joy on some level. I hurt so much still, though. One surprising moment for me was today when I went to my eye doctor for my yearly exam. John went to him too and had known him. After the exam, he looked at me and said, "how are you doing?" in a very sincere tone. I told him and he just listened and said his father had died 12 years ago and it took his mother many years to feel okay. Then he shared a story with me about John and spoke of how much he had liked him. It was so powerful for me because that is so rare where I am. Most people act like John never existed and get very uncomfortable if I bring him up. It was so kind of him to spend a few moments just letting me be whether I was sad or whatever. A lesson for all those out there who "don't get it." Hugs to you, Cookie 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 22, 2018 Report Share Posted March 22, 2018 Janka, yes, each has their own way. Mine is sharing with friends, writing about and to Susan, meditating, doing things to make sure she is remembered. It all helps but then I get the feeling it's like taking an aspirin for cancer - nothing can be strong enough. I really swing back and forth. Had a good swim this AM, feeling relatively good, then out of nowhere I had the thought that I will never hear Susan call me PB again and started crying ❤️🐼 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 On 22.3.2018 at 3:55 AM, TomPB said: Janka, yes, each has their own way. Mine is sharing with friends, writing about and to Susan, meditating, doing things to make sure she is remembered. It all helps but then I get the feeling it's like taking an aspirin for cancer - nothing can be strong enough. I really swing back and forth. Had a good swim this AM, feeling relatively good, then out of nowhere I had the thought that I will never hear Susan call me PB again and started crying ❤️🐼 Dear Tom, after all of those years when the loneliness is unbearable already,I long for some company,but the more I meet people all around,all the more I realize how unreal it is,because no one will be like my beloved man Jan...I´ll never meet someone like him and I do know...Is it worthy to fill the crater inside of me with people who are not worthy of my try?Sometimes I think that anything is better than nothing at all,but later on I do realize again that´s not good at all.I´ll never find what I need,seems to me and the more I try to do not feel such loneliness,all the more I see how hard it is.It´s like talking to my mouth that it´s a delicacy what seems to eat,though it´s just an ordinary food to get.That´s how I feel about everyone near me comparing to my beloved Jan.He was the true treasure...the best I´ve ever had...the only happiness that may fill my heart to the fullest...I can´t stop crying tonight,so much I miss him...I even see no goal at the moment to look forward to...If I hadn´t such strong belief in God,I´d like to die instead...but I do have and it makes me stronger each time that I feel like this...however in this moment it is how it is and I wanted to get it out hoping it may bring any comfort into my suffering I´ve been going through...no matter how much time has passed by... Hugs from Janka 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 So sorry Janka. I feel the same as you and I too shed tears tonight missing my soulmate. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 14 minutes ago, scba said: So sorry Janka. I feel the same as you and I too shed tears tonight missing my soulmate. Dear Ana, I´m so sorry...am already speechless at the moment...so hard it is sometimes...I do know... With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 Yes Janka, but there is no need of much words sometimes. Here we understand with many words or few words. Grief is hard load to carry. Trying to live and fit in the world while grieving is too difficult. Too many struggles when we need no more. Peace 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 25, 2018 Report Share Posted March 25, 2018 17 hours ago, Janka said: Dear Tom, after all of those years when the loneliness is unbearable already,I long for some company,but the more I meet people all around,all the more I realize how unreal it is,because no one will be like my beloved man Jan...I´ll never meet someone like him and I do know...Is it worthy to fill the crater inside of me with people who are not worthy of my try?Sometimes I think that anything is better than nothing at all,but later on I do realize again that´s not good at all.I´ll never find what I need,seems to me and the more I try to do not feel such loneliness,all the more I see how hard it is.It´s like talking to my mouth that it´s a delicacy what seems to eat,though it´s just an ordinary food to get.That´s how I feel about everyone near me comparing to my beloved Jan.He was the true treasure...the best I´ve ever had...the only happiness that may fill my heart to the fullest...I can´t stop crying tonight,so much I miss him...I even see no goal at the moment to look forward to...If I hadn´t such strong belief in God,I´d like to die instead...but I do have and it makes me stronger each time that I feel like this...however in this moment it is how it is and I wanted to get it out hoping it may bring any comfort into my suffering I´ve been going through...no matter how much time has passed by... Hugs from Janka Janka, I understand. However I tend to be skeptical and don't have a strong belief in God, tho the communication from the psychic makes it a lot easier for me to believe in an afterlife. My counselor says that with the loss of Susan I've been "cracked open" and more willing to believe - it would be comforting. Anyway, people - my wonderful counselor, family and friends, especially friends who also grieve - are the main support I have. I don't know what else to do. But it's true. I'll be having an OK time with a friend and it will hit me - this is a sorry substitute for being with Susan. People tell me I will find a new life and it will be "different" without Susan and I say, yeah, different, meaning not as good. The deeper the love, the harder the loss. But I do have friends who lost soulmates and say they are happy now, even tho they still cry. So I take it a day at a time. The only purpose I have is to make sure Susan is remembered and to pass her love along. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 28, 2018 Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 More evidence that it's a couples world, as if we needed any. I've been going to lot of concerts with a friend on the swim team who recently lost her husband. Music helps with grief. My friend is much more willing than I am to do things by herself. She had bought a good seat for herself for an upcoming BSO performance and I wanted to join her, and it was almost sold out. The only available seat anywhere near her was next to her, which I got! In couples world, by booking a single seat she “saved” the seat next to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoosie2 Posted March 28, 2018 Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 that's great Tom! What's the performance? Hopefully something light and fun, not Mahler or Schoenberg or other 'heavy' composers. What a lovely 'coincidence' that you were able to sit next to your friend and enjoy the symphony! It's good you are getting out a bit now- baby steps for all of us in the first year. I have joined some Meetup groups in my area, and while I haven't gone to any activities yet, I will be soon. Of course I would rather be spending time with my Rick, but that's not ever happening again, and I do not want to compare any of my current friends or new acquaintances to him. That wouldn't be fair to them- apples to oranges. Besides, everyone has something to offer to a friendship, and I don't want to bring up Rick to any of these new groups. I am Rick's wife- I always will be, even though he's not physically present. Yes, I am a widow, but that's a term that I will not allow to rule my life now, and I don't want that word to 'taint' any new friendships and groups. A quick acknowledgment about his passing is enough. For deeper discussions of my grief, I come here and 2 other fantastic online grief groups. Everyone here, and those groups, get it. Peace Steph Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 28, 2018 Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 Shoosie, it's an all Wagner evening, not exactly light, but I think is good for my state of mind. It's on the evening of 4/7, the day I'm having a 1 yr Memorial for Susan. The anniversary is 3/31- 3 days! - but there were so many conflicts with Easter/Passover that I moved it up 1 week. After an intense afternoon I think it will be good to get lost in the music, hope I'm not too tired. I don't want to compare my new friends to Susan, or my experiences to what it would be like with Susan, but like with so many things with me, it's not a choice. My mind just goes there. Not all the time, but enough. A woman friend is not Susan. Sailing with friends is sailing without my first mate. etc. Susan and I were grad students at UCLA. Did some camping around your area. Best wishes 🐼 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoosie2 Posted March 28, 2018 Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 Oooo Wagner! One of my favorite composers! Nothing like making it through an entire Ring cycle! I know what you mean about you mind automatically comparing....how can we not? Everyone else is a shadow compared to our loved ones, but still, I know I'll have to make a conscience effort not to compare. Is the amaryllis still blooming? Please do something kind for yourself on Friday, and know that we are all here for you. Be Gentle with yourself. Peace Steph 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 28, 2018 Report Share Posted March 28, 2018 Susan's spirit will be smiling from these 3 beautiful flowers on 3/31. Not sure they'll still be out for the Memorial on 4/7. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoosie2 Posted March 29, 2018 Report Share Posted March 29, 2018 Holy Smokes!!!!!!! WOW is that some stunning flower! You have showered your love, for Susan, on those flowers to make them bloom like that- I'm an avid gardener, and I've never seen such a magnificent bloom, other that professional growers. Susan would be proud of what you've accomplished. Peace Steph 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 29, 2018 Report Share Posted March 29, 2018 Wow! Very beautiful! A lady that lives across from our church has a flower garden...no lawn, ALL FLOWERS! She came in with giant daffodils the other day, she said she put epsom salts around them and that makes them grow bigger! ??? Tom, you must have a green thumb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 29, 2018 Report Share Posted March 29, 2018 Susan used to plant our whole front "lawn" in daffodils when we had a house in CT. I have old "hard" plotos of her sitting among her flowers, so young. She was the expert gardner and was always excited when she could get an Amaryllis to bloom a second time. I'm just a clueless 🐼 and have done nothing but water and trim. More likely her spirit than my green thumb. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted March 29, 2018 Report Share Posted March 29, 2018 My dearest sweetheart,my only one,my beloved Jan! Today is the Green Thursday,the beginning of the greatest feasts of the year,when Lord Jesus sacrificed his own life to save ours for eternal life.That´s why you´re in heaven now waiting for me to come one day.I´m the happiest now,because I do realize how blessed we are,my love.There will be no pain,sorrow,loneliness and tears anymore,just you and me in arms of God for eternity.What more could we want for us?I do know.My suffering has changed for the happiness nowadays and I want to tell you that I love you above all and I thank God that this love will last forever. PS:This song is for you only... Entra en mi vida.mp3 With deepest love, your Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted March 29, 2018 Report Share Posted March 29, 2018 Hope you're right, Janka. Today is the 1 year anniversary of our last trip to Whole Foods, which was our regular coffee place and where we'd often do the crossword on sundays. I came home early. After climbing the hill coming back Susan felt faint and sat down on our stoup for a while. Susan had been coughing and had been told she might have pneumonia. We thought that was why she felt faint but we never thought it was a sign of something serious. In retrospect I think it was a warning but there was no way to know. In reality my treasure had 48 hours to live. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted April 5, 2018 Report Share Posted April 5, 2018 Jan,my dearest treasure,the love of my life,my everything! I thank God for the greatest happiness in my life,yourself!You both bring into my life precious people I may share my life with.In my sorrow and loneliness they light up my days and fill them with joy.However it would be in vain without the faith I have now and such hope for being with you again,as one,in eternity. I thank God for taking care for you,loving you and being with you until we meet again!I can´t ask the more,I can only pray for the best for us,in arms of God,forever. I thank God for the love between us!One day you´ll come to take me away from here and we´ll never be apart anymore. I love you with all my heart...forever...and ever...for eternity! Rest in peace,my love! Forever yours, Janka Amor en custodia.mp3 PS:This beautiful song is for you...I used to let it play being with you...I´ll never forget it... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted April 6, 2018 Report Share Posted April 6, 2018 Hugs to you Janka ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janka Posted May 29, 2018 Report Share Posted May 29, 2018 In the 16th of May was the birthday of my beloved man Jan...Yesterday was my birthday too...I haven´t written any longer as I didn´t know what to say after all I´ve been going through and writing on here for so many years...Now I feel there is something left what I´d love to say again... Happy heavenly birthday,my beloved Jan! Thank you for every minute of the greatest love,happiness and understanding having you by my side! I could have never thought to meet the best soulmate until I met you in my life... I cry the tears of sadness for not being with you anymore,but I do know that you´re watching over me from above until we´ll reunited some day in heaven again...Today is one of those days when I can´t stop crying all along,so lonely I am without you and I do realize once more what the luckiest person I was until the last moment with you... Rest in peace,my love!God loves us and stay with us for eternity... With eternal love Janka 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted May 29, 2018 Report Share Posted May 29, 2018 Janka, that is lovely. I feel you and cry with you in your grief. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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