Isolated And Alone

[Fiona]

Hello,

About 2 weeks ago I lost control. I started feeling like I was really going to break down. I felt like everything and anything was going to make me cry.

My mother died 14 months ago. I work on the otherside of the world, but I managed to get home to see her one last night before she passed away. I think that's quite a while ago now, and I should be better, right? But I am having all kinds of weird emotions that I am not in control of.

She was my confidence, my strength. She was so proud of me, and my direction in life. But my father has never been very interested. Now I feel like a lost soul out here. Like there is no one who'll listen to my struggels. And no one to tell me I'm doing a good job, and stick at it. No one to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.

I have become so insecure. My heart feels like it's breaking everyday. I am holding on tightly to anything that gives me a little hint of strength. But worse of all, I am putting way too much pressure on my husband, hoping so much he'll understand. But I'm so scared he'll give up on me.

If anyone else has experienced a serious change in their relationships since the death of a relative, I really want to talk to you. See if we can help each other through this confusion. Because I'm quite lost out here.

Fiona

[Hans]

Fiona,

Yes, everyone's relationships change. I don't know how good your husband is at understanding your pain, but you need to let him know how you are feeling day to day so that he can understand how to interact with you.

I think you are doing a good job, at least you are trying to figure things out. I know I am becoming a much stronger person as I work through each day. My mom meant alot to me in the same ways yours did to you. I think because you weren't around her every day you are taking a lot longer to realize the impact of her absence. I think that is normal.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself which is not good. Please take time for yourself and start thinking of the good things about your relationships and realize you are not alone in grief. We are all going through it in our different ways and it is beating down everyone from time to time. Keep living through each moment and you will do better and better.

[Guest Shannon]

Amy,

You are definately not alone!! My financee and I have really struggled recently. I, too, feel totally out of control sometimes and just lose it. He tries to understand, but it gets tiring on him and the kids to see me such a mess all the time. Some times he says things like "you've got snap out of this", but later he apologizes because he knows that I just can't help it.

But at the same time, I have to understand that he also is struggling with loving me so much, seeing me in so much pain, and yet not being able to help make it all better. The people who love us just want the best for us and it hurts them to see us hurt. But...they do love us and will not give up on us!!! Just keep communicating with him and tell him how you feel.

Shannon

[Fiona]

Hi Shannon

thanks for takingtime to write about this subject. I have felt so concerned that I am burdening my husband with my grief. I haven't had anyone else to talk to you see. And when it come back to the dame subject every time; "I miss my Mum". I think I must be going mad.

But it's really good to know that other people have the same problems. And that perhaps by sharing some of the little stuff with eachother we can help.

For example I watched a movie the other day (alone since my husband works away) and I felt like I was going to cry the whole time! Feeling lonely is my main thing. But I expect him to fix that! isn't that too much!

Actually I know I'm lonely cause "I miss my Mum".

Oh well...

Bye for now

Fiona

[Guest Shannon]

Fiona,

The feeling of being alone is the worst part. I do understand this. I am lucky enough that even though I lost 3 people in six months (which does tend to make you feel like you are alone), I do have people around me everyday. Have you considered joing a greif group such as Hope for the Bereaved? It is a very similar experience to this discussion group, and you are able to talk with people in person who feel just like you do. You get share your experiences with each other and comfort one another as well.

Think about it. And keep communicating with us. We are here for you.

Shannon

[STARKISS]

HI, I AM LIVING ALONE FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS. BUT EVEN WHEN I WAS HOME WITH SOMEONE I STILL FELT ALL ALONE. I FEEL THAT NO ONE REALLY CARES WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. I FEEL THAT IF I WERE TO DISAPPEAR NO ONE WOULD MISS ME. I FEEL THAT IF I DO MOVE IN WITH ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER I WILL LOSE WHO I AM. I ALL READY FEEL THAT I CAN NOT MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS IMPORTANT WITHOUT ASKING A FAMILY MEMBER WHAT THEY WOULD DO. I HAVE VERY LITTLE SELF ESTEEM LEFT AND I CAN NOT TELL THE FAMILY THE REAL TRUTH OF WHAT I AM FEELING BECAUSE I WOULD JUST CAUSE A FIGHT AND I CAN NOT DO THAT.

[floridamom]

Wow! I thought I was going crazy until I found this message board! I lost my Dad 2 months ago (my mother died sixteen years ago). I went north this weekend to clean up and empty his house to put it on the market. Today, I woke up very depressed and feeling very alone. (Although I have a loving husband and two small girls). I am having these feelings that my husband doesn't love me and I am feeling very isolated and alone. I am glad to know that this is a normal grieving symptom, however, bizarre.

[Maylissa]

floridamom,

I'm sorry to hear you lost your dad recently ( and your mom long ago ). But I'm glad you found this board to express yourself on, as that's such a helpful step for so many of us. It seems natural that having to go through your dad's house would bring up the feeling of being all alone in the world, as most of us feel anyway when we've lost a parent ( or 2 ).

When I lost my Mom ( and oldest brother, too ), I also felt like my husband didn't love me, or at least not enough. What that was all about for me, was that losing my Mom just brought into sharper focus the lacks in my marriage that had been there before, but had been pushed aside over the years. These then had to be addressed, as they were greatly contributing to my depression and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I attribute the little bit of couples' counseling we were able to fit in in the midst of my individual counseling for helping the most in alleviating those feelings to a large degree.

When a parent, who has normally been there for us regardless of good or bad times, regardless even of the health of our relationship with them, suddenly is gone, that anchor and foundation in our world collapses and we feel vulnerable to a degree that hasn't usually been experienced before in our lives. So we look to those remaining in our lives to fill in the blank. And if we feel that spot isn't being filled in a way that provides us with enough comfort, we can feel even more isolated and alone. So I guess it's only a "bizarre" symptom if our other relationships are truly solid. For me, that wasn't the case. My marriage did/does need working on, in order that I don't feel completely abandoned in the world. Whatever the case though, sharing with our partners, every changing step of the way ( which can mean daily ) how we're feeling about things is, I think, a very healthy and often necessary part of surviving the grief intact. And this, of course, is easier if that communication goes both ways, so that the one not grieving can let us know if they can't provide everything we need and we can seek it elsewhere, like on these boards or with a trusted counselor.

[jodirae]

Fiona

I'm so glad I found this board to know I'm not the only person saying "I miss my Mom".

I lost my 60yr old Mom on 9-29-05 & miss her so much - we were together 24/7 the last 4 months of her life and I'm so lost without her. I'm 33 yrs old and feel like a 3 yr old some times.

I also lost my Dad 28 years ago & my Mom was the only "blood" family I had.I have a loving husband who has never lost a close loved one so it is hard for him to fully understand my feelings. I still have to go and clean out her house and also her "hospital" room in my home. I have put off these tasks because it is hard to close that chapter in my life.

Thanks for your post - Your not alone - I miss my Mom too!

jodirae

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am very sorry for all your losses, I feel like I can not talk about my parents infront of anyone especially my own siblings. Everytime I bring up the subject someone quickly changes it to something else. I still really need to talk to someone and I thought of anyone I could talk to it would be family but it isn't. I do see a grief counsellor and atleast I get some of what I need to say off my chest. Anyway that is why I feel isolated and alone. Most nights after I come home from work I stay in my one bed apartment and keep to myself because I can not really say anything to anyone else. Take care and God bless you all and here are a few big hugs for all who need them. God Bless You All Shelley