Dealing With Those "moments"

[mittam99]

I've had more than a few of those in the past few days. The feeling that life is futile now and I can't go on. That I don't see the point of living if it feels like this. After all, what do I have left? Tammy was the woman of my dreams and I waited my whole life for her. Seeing her battle the overwhelming illnesses she went through and seeing the way she handled things with courage and an amazing attitude, I was in awe of her. Tammy, was my world and honestly, my happiness.

Since March 6th, this life doesn't have any happiness. It's pure and utter heartache. The silence is deafening. I keep replaying the things I saw on March 6th and it's like watching a tragic horror show over and over. It's unbearable.

The thing is, although I don't see how I can go on, I don't want to take my own life. That's just not something I could do. I mean, I have tons of Tammy's pain pills right here if I wanted to do something and I won't. I've scheduled an appointment with a grief counselor for Thursday and I hope it helps. Although... I don't know if it will. My grief is very complicated. I wasn't just Tammy's soulmate. I was her caregiver. And I'm traumatized by some of the things I saw on March 6th. And I've never loved or felt love towards me like I did with my Tammy.

My sisters don't understand what I'm going through and Tammy's family honestly doesn't seem to care (that's a whole story in itself).

How much sadness, emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness can a person take?

I guess I just needed to vent to people who know what I'm going through.

Mitch

[littlebro]

I'm so very sorry, Mittam99

[feralfae]

I understand. Those moments can be very hard to bear. Crying and journaling helped me a lot when those moments were frequent and fierce. Now, although I still have times of sorrow and tears, my days are calmer and far more peacefully appreciated. The birds are singing and the flowers are beginning to bloom, and I am happy to be alive, even if Doug is not here to delight in the flowers with me, I can feel his spirit smiling at me "fussing with her blooms." Life is forever changed, but good things are starting to fill some of my hours. I am glad you are staying with us here on Earth. {{{hugs}}}

When our Beloved is gone, we feel as though life has ended, and in a way, it has. The life we shared with our Beloved is gone, and now we are left to find a new balance, to try to heal our broken hearts, to learn to carry the grief, to learn so many things that are a part of living without our Beloved.

Although it is painful and terribly difficult, we can make it one day at a time, have the courage to feel our feelings, to hold our broken hearts and care for our bodies, and to e ourselves in the best health as we can.

My Doug has been gone three years, and before that, I was his caregiver for three years. By the time he left, I was entirely debilitated and completely lost to myself. There are others here who have been caregivers for years. We know how draining, how precious, how painful, and how love-filled those days of caregiving can be. And then, after pouring our lived into caring for our Beloved, suddenly they are gone. No amount of knowing that they are leaving can prepare us for the moment when they actually slip away. Our hearts break, our breath catches, and the tears flood from our eyes until we cannot see, and still we sob and wail and shake and whimper. We need to do this to release the pain and loss in a truly human way.

I hope you have a good meeting with your grief counselor. I think you will. It will help you to understand how normal your grief is and also how unique it is, and how to begin to find some ground to sit on, even if you cannot stand yet.

Be ever so gentle with yourself. I am sorry the family is not more emotional support for you. That can be especially rough. Come here and post, let us know how you are doing, and we will keep you in our prayers and hearts.

Blessings,

feralfae

[kayc]

Mitch, you must have posted after I was on last night, I'm sorry I missed this. I was wondering if you'd gotten an appt. and am glad you'll be able to get in this week.

I wish you had support there with you. Even with support, though, this is something we feel alone in because no one else had the same relationship with Tammy that you did and their grief is different from yours.

I'm also glad you're posting how you're feeling, it does help, even when it doesn't feel like it, it's all part of our healing. I wish you could see down the road, when the pain lessens, and it does, but I know right now you don't see an end in sight. We've all been there.

Try to eat something healthy, make sure you're getting water, maybe a walk every day, you may not realize it, but it gives you the best chance possible to deal with this. I hope you got some sleep.

[sharirouse]

Mitch, I can relate to how you feel as my dad died about 6 months ago. While he was not my husband and the type of love was different, I was his caregiver and I am still haunted by some of the things that I saw the morning he died.

Honestly, at least for me as we are all different, it takes time. the first two months were the hardest for me and I think its fantastic that you go through therapy. Just talk. Its hard to talk about but you have to get it out, at least thats what I had to do.

The way I see it is an infection and forgive me as i am going to school to work in a lab and we look at infections and diseases all day everyday but anyway, you have an infection. you need to clean it out before it heals. You need to open it up and clean it out, let it breathe, itll hurt like crazy but you will feel so much better and itll slowly begin to heal.

I can definitely relate to the wanting to die. I didnt want to kill myself but Heck, I wouldnt complain if I died. Why not die? I would be able to see my dad again! It doesnt sound to shabby but what helped me if that I know my dad wouldnt want that. I have to keep going.

I too felt like I was going through it alone as my parents were divorced and my brother just came back into my dads life so he couldnt get close to how I feel. All I can say is come and post here so we can help talk you through it. this site has definitely saved me in my darkest nights.

[mittam99]

littlebro thank you. Feralfae, kayc and sharirouse... thank you for your long and kind posts.

It just feels like I'm going through the motions. All I had in my life that made me happy was Tammy. Without her, it just doesn't seem worth living. I just feel like I have nothing and the truth is I don't think I do. No family that is there for me emotionally and no close friends. Tammy was all I ever had and all I ever wanted. She was the only one who loved me unconditionally. Right now it feels like 24/7 of emptiness.

And it's just overwhelming to think of all the physical pain Tammy went through in her life and all her ordeals knowing that, ultimately her life ended way too soon. It's just so unfair. All our plans for the future and a future filled with love and happiness are all gone.

Honestly, how on earth does someone who's lost everything that made life worth living carry on? And carry on in such a way that life seems worth living?

And the other thing is that, in my life, no one does get what I'm going through. Perfect example, I texted Tammy's youngest sister and asked if I could call her (she's the only one in Tammy's family that has even maintained a bit of contact with me after Tammy passed). She said she was too busy. I texted her in a way that clearly made it sounded like I was in a very dark place. And yet she waited an hour to text me back and wrote "do you have hobbies?".. SERIOUSLY??? My sister is constantly telling me I need to go back to work and to do this and do that. I know these people mean well but they are clueless as to the pain and suffering I am feeling.

I'm anxious about going to the counselor Thursday but I'm hoping she will help. At least I'm trying to think about a future of some kind.

Most people I know don't understand that this kind of grief is a long term "healing" process. And it makes me feel even more alone, like no one is on my side.

I still can't fathom having a "real life" without Tammy in it. And the crying, the feeling of hopelessness and the feeling that Tammy didn't deserve any of this consume me.

Mitch

[Queeniemary]

Mitch, I am so sorry that you are going through such agony and pain. Yes, we have all been there. You are in the very early days, and your grief is raw and agonizing. Compounding that is the fact your were her caregiver, and are probably very emotionally and physically run down because of that. I hope the grief counselor can help, many of them are very good. Sharirouse, Fae and Kay have all given you some very excellent advice and my advice is the same. Don't try to think too far in the future, just take it one day, one hour at a time. There will come a day when the pain is less, but there is no timetable or schedule. It is different for each of us. We do learn to live with the grief. My husband Mike died five years ago in January, and I never thought I could go on. I had just had a total knee replacement and was in the hospital when he had a unexpected massive coronary. He had no history of any kind of heart problems. He was 62. I thought I just wanted to die. So I do understand, as do many others here, how you are feeling. Take care of yourself, get rest, and eat right. Keep coming here, I have been coming here for five years, and this place has been a wonderful healing place for me. So many friends here now, who have helped me by sharing their stories, and letting me rant and rave when I needed to do that.

Take care Mitch, you are not alone, although I know it does not feel like that right now, but we are all here for you.

QMary

[mittam99]

Thank you Queeniemary.

[kayc]

Mitch,

Your thinking is good though, and that's a start. Trust me, we've seen all kinds of thinking here. You're trying, that's all you can do at this point. Leave the sense of purpose and fulfillment for a later date to worry about, right now just try to survive living through today. It's enough.

Shari, I know you were really close to your dad and that means your loss is harder than some others who lost their dad, plus you took care of him. You're making your way through this. Maybe when you feel you can pick up your trumpet you can play for him! I think he'd like that. It might be a way of pouring your heart out to him.

Try to remember, folks, our loved ones STILL LOVE US. That hasn't changed! We haven't lost them completely, just the ability to be with them the way we're used to, for a time, until we can be together again. I know it's not the same and the loss is all encompassing, but it helps me to know we'll be together again, they will remember us, we will be affectionate with each other again, we will remember our special memories.

[shalady]

Mitch, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I cannot add to what has already been said. Everyone has expressed it so true and clear. We all understand just how you feel. We all feel just as you do. We are broken and going through the motions. As they have said our pain will ease with time. Our love will never die. We will have that and our memories forever. Your Tammy sounds like a most special woman. I know how your heart aches. I lost my beloved husband six months ago. I still cry every day. I hurt right down to the core. What you are feeling is because you loved her so very much and she loved you. I do believe they are with us, watching over us, walking by our side. I too have experienced most people think I should be over this by now. The don't have a clue. I have no family but one sister who does not understand my grief. She makes very light of it. She only calls about every two or three months. If I call her it is short, she is too busy. I have some friends but they ignore the subject. I think if I bring it up it must make them uncomfortable because they don't respond and change the subject. I am glad you will see a counselor. They will help you validate and sort our your feelings. I hope it helps. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[mittam99]

Thanks for all your replies. Reading them helps but then I'm right back to my 24/7 feeling of sadness, emptiness and hopelessness.

I just called my job today about returning to work and everyone just seemed so cold.

It still feels like I have nothing in my life. And the guilt I'm putting on myself just compounds the sadness of what happened to my dear Tammy.

This "new" life isn't just hard, it seems impossible.

[kayc]

Mitch, I'm so sorry your coworkers seem cold...it may not be their intent, they may just not know how to best respond, but I know that's small consolation when you're feeling so alone. Are they going to let you come back gradually to start?

I wish I could wave a magic wand and have your guilt be gone, you don't deserve to be feeling it!

[mittam99]

I told them I just honestly could not function the way I need to right now. It's a job where I deal with the public and need to project a happy attitude. I've set a "goal" of coming back to work on a part time basis in about a week and a half.

[kayc]

Good, I'm glad it'll bide you some more time.

[Froggie4635]

I read many articles online regarding grieving employees and how employers can make things better, easier. You will find that a lot of employers have never had a situation where an employee has lost their spouse, and they literally do not know how to handle the situation. It is hard being an employee dealing with such immense grief and not feel supported. I am lucky that my job doesn't have me out facing the public, because I would not be functioning in that capacity at this time. My cubicle is in an area that has no real contact with the outside, except for phone calls and even now at almost 4 months, even a phone call can throw me. I am functioning because my job is rather routine; I basically do the same thing everyday and it is a pre-established routine from before Mark dying. When there are things that pop up, like staff meetings or group outings or emergency things that need handled immediately, I get thrown off balance. It is the same at home. Yesterday, my brother-in-law was going to come and cut my grass in the AM, but not specific about what time. I was so focused on trying to be ready for that appointment, that I forgot to feed my dogs (something I do every morning). I locked myself out of my house one day; I forgot to pay a bill another day. I think now because of the grieving, I am having a harder time with allergies this year. I am outside with the dogs more, and I find myself exhausted easier. I actually fell asleep in the chair the other afternoon and I NEVER do that.

I went back to work the Monday after Mark died. I was encouraged to do so because it would be HELPFUL to me. I wasn't ready, but I felt responsible for not letting myself get behind. Grieving my husband is a part of who I am right now, and that means it is a part of my being an employee. I tried on Monday to wear a brave face while dealing with my birthday at work. Everyone wanted to do something to make me feel "better"...it was a way they could feel like they were helping. I should have taken the day off, but I think it was better I faced it, and let the grief come. No one made me feel bad because I was emotional. Perhaps the person you spoke with who sounded cold won't be the person who will come and see you when you go in. My boss came to my home the day after Mark died, simply out of concern for me, and continues to show concern. She doesn't try to be an expert on grief; my HR person told me that my situation in something new that everyone is learning to deal with. I hope that you will receive much compassion and care from your co-workers. I think it is one of the reasons I am functioning.

[MartyT]

You're right, Maryann ~ nowadays there are many articles and books aimed at employers and fellow employees to help them better understand and support a co-worker in bereavement; you'll find links to many of them listed on this webpage: Grief At Work.

And Mitch, when you do return to work, you might consider printing one or more of those articles and sharing them with your own co-workers, by way of helping them to help you. It can be an indirect way of saying "This is close to what I'm going through, and this is what I need from you."

In addition, you may find this article helpful: Game-Planning Your Grief: 5 Tips for Returning to Work

[kayc]

Very good point, Maryann, that person Mitch spoke with might not be who he talks to at work when he comes back. I think it's a good idea to print out the articles Marty listed, I know if I had never been through it and someone at work was, I would want to equip myself with knowledge to be of help to them and not hurt them further through my ignorance.

[mittam99]

I went to my grief counselor today for the first visit. It went pretty well and she seemed to be someone who might be able to help me. Maybe it was the fact it was a sunny day or something else but for the most part, I felt pretty much ok today. It wasn't easy talking about the events of March 6th (the day Tammy passed) but the counselor made me feel better in some way. She gave me a couple of books of suggested reading for grieving spouses and seemed to care. I will be seeing her again this Tuesday.

So, the day went better than expected although...

I made myself a meal of something I think Tammy would have enjoyed and of course... I lost it. I mean, I'm used to cooking meals for me and Tammy... This feels so wrong, cooking for yourself.

So goes the rollercoaster of emotions when you grieve for someone you love so deeply.

[Froggie4635]

My husband, Mark did all the cooking. I do know how to cook and would cook special things he liked. Now I work earlier hours, and I am home before 4 pm. I have been doing mostly microwave meals, or order in. Sandwiches, cereal, crackers and cheese. I understand having a hard time. Mark and I enjoyed our dinner time and it's so hard. This is an adjustment I never in my life I thought I would be making at this age. As so many people here have and will say, be kind and patient with yourself. My sessions with my counselor help me learn to give myself permission to do what is best for me. She helps me learn to deal on my terms and no one else's. We can all use all the support possible.

[mittam99]

Maryann,

I think that's also what I got out off my first counseling session. The idea of taking care of myself in a positive way. Since I've been in the role of caregiver for some time, it's hard for me. I'm used to worrying about Tammy; it feels odd concentrating on me. And when it comes to the meals, Tammy LOVED my cooking. My food always, well almost always (I had a few duds from time to time) put a huge smile on her face. And that made me feel happy. She always told me I used that most special ingredient in my food ... TLC.

[kayc]

I am so glad your counseling session went well and you have another appt. set up. I also understand how hard it is doing things you used to do with or for Tammy (and you too Maryann) solo. It's an important lesson though to learn that we are valuable and as such it's as important to take care of ourselves as it was to take care of our spouse.

[shalady]

I too am glad you had a good session with a counselor. It really is so important that you remember that you too are important and need your own care right now. Most especially now as you go through your grieving. It really takes a lot out of you. More than I could have imagined. I am not officially back to work yet, more so because of my back problem right now. Yesterday I worked for about three and a half hours in the morning. I was so exhausted from it I fell asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon. That never would happen before all this. I took care of Bob and never took naps. It is because I was happy then. I cant seem to find my happy now. I really miss being glad about things. I also understand about the cooking. My Bob loved everything I made. If it was a piece of toast he would think it was the best piece of toast ever. What joy I got from cooking for him. I don't care if I never cook again right now. I do hope that changes. I don't like eating at the table alone. I do it although sometimes I eat on the couch or standing at the counter. The reading is very good. I try to read all the suggested articles here. I have to catch up on some right now. They are all very helpful. I hope you just take one day at a time and remember yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

Another thing from my first session was that my counselor told me that all I needed to focus on is breathing and taking one step at a time. It sounds so elementary, but I have seen what happens when I tried to do too much, did something that I used to do before Mark died. It caused me an emotional setback and it is just an example of being patient and practice self-care. I try to read as much about grieving and specifically losing a spouse; it can be an effort because I am still having trouble remembering what I read. But many things I read give me a little more insight and explain that it is all normal. This website is a godsend to me. The one thing I say frequently is my head understands what happened;I saw Mark's body, I gave him chest compressions to try and keep him alive; I have his ashes. You can't get more real than that. But my heart and my emotions still can't believe he is gone. As much as I wish he would walk through the door, I know he is not on some trip out of town; but my heart still mourns deeply. Mitch, you do whatever feels right. Find someone at work that you feel the most comfortable with and share with them what makes it easy. And don't push yourself. Finding a new normal is a job in itself.

[kayc]

Amen to all that!

[mittam99]

Thanks everybody for your words and advice, it does help.

Today just hasn't been a very good one. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact Tammy passed away shockingly four weeks ago on Friday March 6th. I'm reliving that day in my mind and feeling guilty I didn't call 911 earlier than I did. Tammy herself thought she was just super tired throughout the day. And of course I had no idea what was happening inside her body. But why didn't I just call 911 early anyway? Of course things like "Tammy just got home after a hospital/rehab stay and she was supposedly doing much better" popped into my head. I thought the new narcotic pain med prescription (oxycontin... she already took oxycodone as well) could be causing the extreme drowsiness/confusion I called my brother in law doctor and he agreed it could be that. That was 5 PM, And then, Tammy couldn't breathe and she was devastatingly gone by 7PM.

On hindsight, it's pretty clear a lot was going on medically that the rehab place missed. The med staff there was pretty non-existent/poor. We often pointed out that Tammy's feet and legs were extremely swollen. Even after putting her back on her water pill, the swelling/fluid retention didn't change. The med staff there just kept telling us that Tammy needed to keep her legs elevated. She also was dealing with 3 blood clots, two of which were created by the clumsy way they did a procedure in the hospital a month early. And now Tammy was dealing with another drug, warfarin, that had a new set of issues, especially for someone who was prone to hemmorhaging, like Tammy.

There's a part of me that questions whether or not poor medical care by the so-called professionals is what ultimately took Tammy away, But, I also know that Tammy's overall health had been going downhill for a number of years. She had so many surguries, you could hardly fit them on a piece of paper. She beat sepsis a number of times. cellulitis, e-coli, a cardiac arrest, a massive lung infection...

She had become more or less bedridden. It took all her strength just to get dressed to even attempt to go out. And her walking and balance were poor. She had fallen a number of times at home. Not from losing balance, she just dropped. I took her to a specialist and they couldn't explain exactly why this was happening. She suffered from MRSA and open skin wounds. Imagine seeing your spouse bleeding profusely from an open wound and just covered in blood. This happened a number of times. Even with all these incredibly horrible ordeals, Tammy would deal with life in a positive, smiling way. Tammy was my world, She was courageous and simply an amazing human being.

So today has been a tough one. I do know that Tammy would not want me to give up. It's just that fighting side by side with Tammy seemed a lot more worthwhile than fighting for myself without her.