Dealing With Those "moments"

[mittam99]

Marty, that is wonderful information. I just don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.

I understand that these moments of despair and sadness and loneliness and emptiness are normal in the grieving process. And I know I'm early in my grief journey. What's frightening is that I know from others here that this grief will last a long time. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. Well, I loved Tammy will every fiber of my being and then some. She was my world and all I had in life.

I can't fathom living in this sort of strange world where I feel so lost and so sad for the foreseeable future. Where doing everyday normal things just feels so painful, anxiety filled and traumatic.

And there are many factors that make things even more difficult for me, I think. For one, Tammy really was my whole world. I'm not emotionally close with any family and I don't have any close personal in-person friends. I do have a few select people that I talk to on the phone but they return my calls at their convenience (which is understandable) which doesn't always help when I'm having one of those "moments". I am seeing a counselor but that's only for 1 hour in a 168 hour week. Yes, I'm going back to work Thursday but I'm not looking forward to it. Scared actually.

Another factor. My life revolved around Tammy and when her illnesses got worse in the past few years, I was her caregiver. Now that she's gone, it's not only that I have no one to love or that loves me... I have no real purpose/goal in life. Tammy and I had a purpose; we wanted to spend more time together... happy, in love and hopefully with Tammy's health improving.

And those "what if's" and hindsight really play on my mind.

Another factor... I'm a man. Seriously. Men are supposed to be the strong ones and not show emotions. Of course that's bullcrap. Luckily, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and have no problems showing my emotions or crying. I am who I am. It's just that some people I deal with tell me things like "stiff upper lip" and "you've got to be strong". Ridiculous advice.

Another factor. I was a lifelong bachelor when I met Tammy in 1999. I was 44 years old. She was 30. I was used to living alone. At the time it didn't really bother me. Once Tammy and I fell in love, my life completely changed. You really do become as one. I never knew life could be so fulfilling and wonderful. Tammy made me feel like I was so special. And she was perfect for me. Now, fast forward to today...

Here I am, alone with no one in my life that seems to care. I'm without the woman of my dreams. I think about the future plans we had that aren't going to happen. About the tragedy of Tammy passing away at only 45 years old! I'm single again but I'm not 30 or 40 or even 50 anymore. And I'm not the man I was before I met Tammy. I don't want to be alone. But... the only person I want is Tammy. And unless I invent a time machine...

I'm 59 years old (turn 60 in May... that's a scary number!) and my future seems bleak.

[kayc]

I'm glad you are comfortable being a man who isn't afraid to show emotion. The men who bottle it up are way worse off in the long run.

Yes, your being her caregiver means you have more to deal with. You will in your own time frame.

How did work go today?

[mittam99]

Kay, I actually go back to work Thursday and my stomach is in knots thinking about. There are a ton of reasons why I'm anxious and somewhat afraid. Will I be able to concentrate and do my job the way I need to? Since I work with the public, how will I handle all the condolences and questions I'll probably get? What will it be like to come back home for the first time after work and Tammy's not here to talk to? Just last night I thought about being at work and how co-workers would be treating me differently and that I'm a widower. And I just broke down. Without Tammy, I feel broken and like 1/2 a person.

How do I begin to function? I mean I barely do the basics at home like cleaning and cooking for myself. Getting the mail is a big challenge for me. My one invite to someones house for dinner made me feel like I was having an out of body experience. Everything triggers my sadness and despair over my beloved Tammy not being here.

[Froggie4635]

Mitch, I went back to work the Monday after Mark died. I was kind of encouraged to return. I remember everyone coming to see me...to give me hugs and hear my story. I am very lucky to work where I do. I have been there 13 years in July and in my job I worked with just about every department (I work at a community center). I used to work in the membership department, a very out front/sales kind of position. I did that for 9 years. Three years ago I moved to the accounting department; it suits me so well. The morning Mark died, the head of the center sent out an email to all staff sharing the news of Mark's passing. When I got back to work that Monday, someone told me that there were staff who were in tears, and in shock because Mark had just been there the day before, joking and laughing with staff at the front desk.

We didn't have Mark's service for two weeks, due to the autopsy and cremation. I worked about half the week for those two weeks, and even though I was still in shock, it felt good to have something else to focus on and give my energy to. I did a lot of crying, and was exhausted by the time I went home. I STILL come home exhausted, ans still find myself crying, but not as much. I do wear a brave face a lot.

Mitch, I am sure there are many folks who know how hard this will be for you. Find the people you feel closest to and share with them exactly how you are feeling. It is one of those steps to trying to find our new normal.

[kayc]

Maryann, Mitch's situation is a little different than yours and mine in that he constantly meets the public, one person after another, and you can't really dredge up anything sad or unpleasant to customers. Perhaps if it was a long term client you'd see for a while, but these are people in and out, and he doesn't want to drive away business. Since he was always jovial around them, lifting everyone up, making their day, it's a lot of pressure now to go back to work knowing he can't do that right now.

Mitch, I remember it's Thursday, I must have wrote that before we last talked. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and saying a prayer for you. I hope it doesn't go as you fear and that you feel supportiveness from those around you. Remember, it's okay to let a tear escape, even at work...I know we don't like to show emotion at work, but under the circumstances, it's understandable.

[mittam99]

I am extremely anxious about returning to work. Like Kay said, it's a very difficult type of job to return to while in deep grief. For starters, I've been there nearly 25 years, so all the customers know and like me. Normally that would be a good thing but not so much in my current frame of mind.

It's a retail business with a huge amount of repeat customers. And I'm extremely popular there and known for my sense of humor and jovial attitude. They expect that of me (customers and my employer). I'm anything but in a lighthearted frame of mind these days. I cry with so many different triggers. Add to that the "where have you been" questions I will be getting over and over and you can understand my fear.

On top of that I broke down thinking about going to work as a widow in terms of co-workers. How many times will I hear the "I'm sorry" replies and "what happened" questions. And keep in mind I work at a huge place with hundreds of employees that know me. Plus it's a job that does require concentration in terms of procedures and things. And right now I barely can remember to feed myself.

So honestly, I know I am not ready to be thrown back into that type of setting yet, emotionally. But, I have bills to pay and with no income since Tammy passed, I don't have much choice.

My stomach is in knots.

[Dew's Girl]

That is such a hard spot. Can you ask your employer if they can make an accommodation to provide a less interactive job for a few weeks to let you ease back in to work? Maybe administrative work or stocking? You've been there 25 years, so hopefully they can work something out with you. Sometimes people who haven't been there just don't know enough to offer. It can't hurt to ask.

I remember returning to work after about a month. I was a mess. If people offered condolences I felt awkward. But then I also felt upset when people went about their work as if nothing had changed when my world was in pieces. The worst is walking down the hall and people asking in passing "how are you?" It's a habit to just say "Good, and you?" while we keep walking. I couldn't say "good" but people aren't truly asking so "falling apart" isn't an appropriate response either. I usually end up saying "I'm OK." OK is now relative to me. That translates to "I made it out of bed and to work with matching shoes on the right feet." I'm OK.

If your employer cannot give you a modified job for a while, then be sure to pace yourself and remember to BREATHE. My advice is to take a break when you need to and try to focus on the the small victories. Did you make it out of bed and to work with both shoes on? Now work is a godsend to me. If I was home all day watching the clock I would already be insane. It gives me mind a break to focus on something else for a little bit. I hope you find some solace too. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

[mittam99]

Amy, unfortunately my job requires efficiency, speed and friendliness so going at "my pace" won't meet with approval with my bosses. As far as breaks as I need them, I can't do that either. I'm at the mercy of my employer telling me when it's time for my once a day break. This just isn't the type of job that is very accommodating to someone who has lost their soulmate.

On the other hand, even if I called work today and asked to push back my return date. I'm sure I'd still have the same anxiety. Be it a week or two or three down the road. I guess I just have to go in and see how it goes. Do the best I can. Like Marty said in an earlier post, I've already experienced the worst day of my life on March 6, 2015 so maybe going to work won't be as bad as expected.

Thank you Maryann, Kay and Amy for your caring posts. It means a lot to me. I really don't have anyone in this world right now. Last night I had one of those moments where I didn't know who to turn to. I needed to talk to someone. I had just talked to Kay (she's very nice) the night before and didn't want to burden her again.

If any of you are the type that like to talk on the phone feel free to PM me. Maybe we can help each other on our grief journeys. Just a thought.

Mitch

[Dew's Girl]

Mitch,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today and sending good thoughts your way. I know it is a difficult day for you and hope you are ok.

-Amy

[kayc]

Mitch, you put it all into perspective when you said you have to be able to think about procedures, etc., and right now you barely remember to feed yourself.

You are in my thoughts today and I will be praying for you throughout the day. I hope it's not as bad as you anticipated.

[MartyT]

Yes, Mitch ~ We know today is Thursday, and I can assure you that we're all thinking of you today and holding you close. Do let us know how your first day back to work has gone for you.♥

[kayc]

I will be checking in looking for an update from you when you have time to post one. I won't be on here much the next few days, I have a family crisis going on and will be gone but I'll check in as it permits.

[mittam99]

Ok, so I did the work thing today...

It didn't start out very well. It felt like I came back too soon. About an hour into it, I wanted to run home. But, I didn't.

As the day progressed I got a bit more comfortable with it. Surprisingly I did pretty well on the procedures and such. The hardest part was the customers asking how I was. When I said "not so great, honestly" I heard the "what's wrong" question and I don't think they were prepared to hear "my wife passed away". A number of my co-workers seemed happy to see me back and genuinely seemed to care about me. The only truly weird moment was a co-worker telling me "I need to look for a girlfriend". I know she was just kidding (I think) but it was a pretty ridiculous thing to say. I kind of considered the source and let it roll off of me.

By the end of my shift I actually found myself joking a bit and overall, I did ok. One of my peers told me I did really well. I believe Tammy would have been proud of me.

An hour and a half after my shift ended, I had my 3rd session with my counselor.

The worst part of the day? On the way to the counselor I decided to go the "back way" to avoid rush hour highway traffic. Something in the road (big rock maybe) bounced up underneath my car and hit something on the suspension. The car seemed ok for a mile or two and then the car started making a bunch of odd sounds. Hopefully there's no major damage, but it's always something, isn't it?

Most surprising moment of the day? After work and in my car, I opened up a sympathy card a co-worker gave me. Inside there was some nice words and shockingly, money. Apparently, a few of my friends at work pitched in to help. I was very touched.

[kayc]

Mitch, I am so sorry to hear about your car, I hope it isn't serious/expensive, but I'm glad to hear how the rest of the day went. You should be proud of yourself, you did it. I know Tammy is. And I'm glad to hear about the card & money from the coworker!

[enna]

I am so very glad that your day went alright. What a wonderful thing some of your co-workers did for you. Those little acts of kindness mean so much to us.

Anne

[mittam99]

Yeah I definitely started crying when I saw the money. I mean, they certainly didn't have to do that.

[kayc]

See, there's a few good people left.

[MartyT]

We are so proud of you, Mitch ~ and yes, it IS "always something" ~ but those kinds of things pale in comparison to what you accomplished today. Good for you ♥

[feralfae]

Bravo! Mitch! You did it! How wonderful to have the support of your work family around you, and to know that they care. I am touched. What a loving place to work. I am very glad that you are back there among them.

Blessings,

fae

[Froggie4635]

I think when we are anticipating how we think something is going to go, it is actually worse than when we experience whatever it is we are facing...anniversaries, birthdays, a change in our "new normal". Mitch, I had a feeling that there would be some people at work who wanted to help make your transition a little less exasperating. When I talked to me HR person (and it was a while after I started back regularly), she told me that a lot of the staff weren't sure how to approach my situation, didn't want to overwhelm me, but wanted somehow to make sure I was doing okay. I am SO GLAD you felt positive about it at the end of the day (minus the car thing...and yes it is ALWAYS something). I know our work situations are not the same, but there are always people we work with who have big hearts and want to try as best they can to ease your pain. I, too, had people giving me money. I know right now that keeping my new routine as close to the same each day helps me so very much. I am lucky that I can have a schedule that works (I work 7:30 to 3:30...I stay at my desk for lunch). I get up early in the morning, so going in later just doesn't work...I just sit around anticipating the day. And getting home early enough gives me a chance to do things here at home if I wish. I hope you feel encouraged by your experience yesterday, but also know that grief comes with you. You will figure out your new normal, and I think you can find some folks there who will help you. So very happy for you.

[mittam99]

I actually will be back to working five days next week. The truth is, it might just be better for me. Staying at home alone, day after day just probably isn't healthy for my emotional well being. On the other hand, it just feels like such an empty life. Sure, I need the money I earn from working... bills need to be paid. But, where's the happiness? Without my Tammy around it all just seems so meaningless. It still hurts to think about all that she went through medically and emotionally to ultimately be taken away and at such a young age.

Another thing...

I've started an online memorial site about Tammy. It's really a great way to honor her and to keep all my memories alive forever. I'm posting pictures and adding stories and memories about our life together. The frustrating thing is that I've asked Tammy's family and friends to add their memories to the page and only two have. I just don't understand people. I realize Tammy's memorial doesn't hold the same importance to them as it does to me, but... sometimes I think people are so wrapped up in themselves they can't make a small effort to help someone else. Sad.

[kayc]

Mitch, Just keep writing on the memorial, whether anyone else does or not. It's important for Tammy to know she's cared about even though she can't reach you just now.

I wish you well at work. I found my job helped, even though it was hard to focus at first, I always wondered how retired people handled it.

[mittam99]

I still don't know how I'm going to ever feel happy again. I am back at work and overall (bills to pay, helping keep me somewhat sane) I guess it's a positive. It's just that I come home to an empty house and when I need/want to talk to someone, they simply aren't there. This new me feels like a zombie just going through the motions. Then those waves of sadness hit when I think about Tammy and my world feels like it's nothing but despair. I find myself crying like a baby and saying "Tammy please come back" over and over. How will I ever feel "whole" again?

On another note, I got a call 1:30 in the morning from my step daughter. She was reaching out to me to talk about her pain and her feelings of guilt about Tammy's passing. We talked for a couple hours.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch, I don't know if we ever truly feel whole again. There will always be a piece missing that makes up who we are. We fill most of the gaps with new experiences and family such as the talk with your step daughter. Often good friends develop or old friends become closer, but we do adapt. The empty will still come and get us, but perhaps less frequently. When Kathy was alive, I would come home from work and her car would be in the garage. I always had a feeling of piece and joy when I arrived, walked into the house, and she would be sitting cross stitching on the sofa and say "Hi Hun!. That was when my day got better. I was home. After she left, I too had to keep working to pay the bills, but when I would get home and the garage door opened, there was her car just like it always was but there was also a big difference. Now after four years, I still come home, open the garage, see her car and just know.........it's only a car. Do I still miss her? You bet. There are still times when I wish like hell she was still here, but she's not. I can't even write this without tears in my eyes, but it happens less frequently. I am reminded of a saying I have on my fridge under a picture of Kathy in her wedding dress. It simply says......

It will never be the same.

I will never be the same.

You came.

We loved.

You left.

I will survive until I survive

And one day I will find

Myself alive again.

I am not the same, but I'm still standing.

Stephen

[mittam99]

Stephen, what you wrote about Kathy sitting there cross stitching really resonated with me. Tammy also loved to cross stitch and she did some really incredible stuff. Unfortunately as her illnesses weakened and fatigued her, her cross stitching became less and less frequent.

Here's one of her completed projects that's hanging in our kitchen:

I also totally relate to you feeling joy when you came home and saw Kathy. For me, just walking into the house after work and seeing Tammy there (whether she was asleep or awake) just made me feel like everything was ok. And that's the thing. Right now there is no "ok". I'm living in a world that I know logically is filled with color but it feels like it's nothing but shades of gray. Even the lights in our bedroom seem to be dimmer (maybe it's just my old eyes lol).