Dealing With Those "moments"

[Dew's Girl]

I had one of those moments last night. I miss hearing Daniel's steady breathing next to me at night. It's too quiet in our room in the dark.

[Froggie4635]

When I got in the backyard to be with the furbabies, and sit on the swing, I STILL look at the garage door leading from the house to see Mark come walking out. I miss the sound of his snore coming down the hall, I miss him talking to the computer when he would read posts on his Facebook page. I yelled at his picture last night when I got home and was dealing with my shock and disappointment with the insurance. I yelled at him for the things he did in his life that have now made it a struggle for me. Then of course I felt guilty and terrible for yelling at him; he's not here and how can I be angry at him? I even yelled at the dogs...and then felt terrible and gave them treats to make up for it. Every time I break down and cry, I keep saying "I hate this, I hate this"...I don't like my life without him.

[kayc]

Beautiful, Mitch. Protect it, don't let anyone take it, it's yours.

[mittam99]

Well today was one of those days and I'm having a "moment" right now. I didn't sleep well last night and simply couldn't make it to work today.

Those waves of intense grief just hit me when I looked at a picture and saw the sparkle in Tammy's beautiful green eyes. I try to reach out to what little support network I have (on the phone) and I'm lucky if I hear back from someone a few days later. Can you imagine feeling life is hopeless and there is absolutely no one in your world who cares? No one wants to be "bothered" with my grief. I just don't understand what I've done wrong... I'm simply reaching out in my time of need. Are people really this cold and selfish?

I'm trying to cope and trying to function but... when people in my life aren't willing to reach out to me, how am I supposed to feel good? I don't see much reason to feel positive about anything. I have no motivation... really what reason do I have for living? To get up in the morning and repeat this every day? In desperation in an earlier post in this thread, I tried to reach out to members here hoping someone might call. Of course, there were no takers.

Maybe my life moving forward just wasn't meant to be.

[MartyT]

Mitch, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn that you had an especially rough day yesterday, and I hope and pray that today is a better one for you. Sleeplessness is a powerful factor in affecting how we feel (that's why sleep deprivation is often used as a means of torture).

I hope you won't judge our members too harshly for not accepting your invitation to call you. Every person here is struggling, just as you are struggling ~ oftentimes with precious little energy to post a response, much less make a phone call. That does not mean that we do not care.

When you find yourself feeling this way, you might try going back through the posts that are already here, to remind yourself of the support you've already found right here. That's one of the advantages of having a place like this: This thread is here for you to read at any time, and you can go back through the posts and wrap yourself in the compassion and support that has been written here.

Remeber that grief is like a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. You will have many bad moments and bad days like this, but each time you make it through, you learn that you can do it. And always know that you are not alone on that ride. We're all still here for you, and we do care for you. ♥

[mittam99]

To Marty and all other members... let me try to explain why it feels like no one cares. To do that, I need to write about events that have happened to me and Tammy. This post will be very long and maybe rambling but please stick with it. I hope it will put things in perspective. And I want to mention right off that I've gotten wonderful replies from members here that have helped. The fact that no one was interested in chatting with me when I asked was disappointing, sure, but I knew it was a long shot. Many people just aren't comfortable talking on the phone like I am. I have found a friend here on the forum though (Kay) and she is very sweet.

So, let me try to explain why these waves of despair come over me. The feeling that no one cares. First off, let me toot my own horn here. I am a good guy. I do care. People find me to be funny and smart. And well spoken. OK, enough about me, I just wanted to say that because it does feel like I get treated like a nothing these days. Sure some of my feelings are based on my emotions being raw since Tammy's passing, no doubt. However, I really do think people tend to be very self centered these days and I'm "just another guy who lost his wife".

When Tammy came into my life, my world was changed in so many ways. For starters, I was a lifelong bachelor. Now I had a beautiful woman in my life and someone to share my life with. And I had an instant family as 3 year old Katie was part of the package. And that may tell you the kind of man I am. There are guys out there who would be reluctant about the instant family aspect of the relationship. I knew how much I loved Tammy and I accepted Katie as if she were my own. I also knew Tammy had pretty severe systemic lupus, but again, it didn't matter, I was in love with Tammy. So in the year 2000, Tammy and Katie left their life in Illinois to start a new one with me in Maryland.

From 2000 until that horrible day in 2007 when Tammy was rushed to the hospital from work, her health was pretty good. She did have the occasional flare and fatigue and pain of course. But overall she was very active and we did lots of fun stuff like taking trips to the beach and going out to eat a couple times a week.

2007 was the beginning of her health issues becoming the major focus of our lives. She had a pulmonary embolism, pleurisy and a collapsed lung. She had a 6 and a half hour surgery and a couple month hospital and nursing home rehab stay. Even though she was Employee of the Year at her job, she was fired because she was out for 9 months. Of course, they didn't say it was due to her illness but we knew better. I thought we should consider legal action against them. Tammy said no because she thought she might have had a chance to get her job back. Of course, that never happened.

I won't go into all the details of all of her medical ordeals in this post. I think regulars here who have read my prior posts know she had more medical horrors then 20 people should have in their lifetime combined. She always handled them with a strong will to live and with grace and humor. And I was always by her side.

Why do I think no one cares? Well... let me talk about some of the things we endured in dealing with people in our lives. From day one, my family (my sisters and their families) questioned my decision to be with Tammy. They were concerned about her lupus and the fact I met her on the internet. It angered me but I took it with a grain of salt. I mean, I loved Tammy... who cares what they said. But... they didn't treat Tammy all that nicely. For example, they'd send me birthday cards but not Tammy. How disrespectful was that? Sure after Tammy passed they said what a wonderful sweet person she was but they didn't treat her all that well. My older sister has a beach house in Delaware and she invited my younger sister there all the time. She never invited Tammy and me.

Tammy was ill most of the time after 2007. Whether it was due to pain or fatigue or dizziness etc... she missed a number of her doctors appointments. Two of those doctors dropped her for missing appointments! I realize being a doctor is a business but Tammy clearly wasn't just rescheduling because she didn't feel like going... she was sick. How cruel was that of these doctors? I remember Tammy talking to one of those doctors on the phone and begging the doctor to please keep her on as a patient. The doctor wouldn't budge and Tammy was in tears. Again, there's that theme... people not caring about us.

There was another very bad situation with an entire group of doctors. I took Tammy to the ER due to intolerable pain. This was on a weekend and the staff was mostly student doctors. Essentially the young doctors would not give her pain medicine to help. They treated her as if she was an addict! Keep in mind, Tammy has been on prescribed narcotic pain meds for over 20 years. This was not the time to teach her about the possiblity of addiction!! A day and a half later, Tammy went home never getting any pain relief. I wrote a letter to the president of the hospital. I got an apology but that was it. Again, there's that theme, people not being fair to Tammy.

Over the years, people seemed to abandon Tammy. Her work friends that she'd go out with or called, slowly disappeared. When Katie, her own daughter chose to leave in 2014, to live with her grandmother, well... that was as hard a hit to Tammy as any medical ordeal she'd been through, probably worse. Although, Tammy realized that Katie had been planning this for years (how many times did Katie say "I hate Maryland, Illinois is awesome") it still was a huge blow to her emotional state. Add to that the fact that her beloved dad had passed in 2012... Tammy was clearly depressed.

The only constant true source of caring we had in our lives was from each other.

Tammy was rushed to the hospital in February 2015. It was one of those scary moments when I thought I might lose her. But she made in through ICU and off the ventilator, into a regular room and then off to rehab to regain her strength.

And again in rehab, another of those, "why us?", moments happened. Tammy was taken from the hospital to the rehab place by ambulance. I followed in my car but traveling was tough, the roads were icing up. When we arrived I told the nurse I was staying the night due to bad roads and simply wanting to be with my wife. They told me I couldn't. Their brochures had mentioned that guests can stay 24/7. When I mentioned that, she said their policy had just changed. I spoke to her supervisor who coldly told me the same thing. All the while Tammy was in tears and they didn't care. Tammy was concerned about me getting home in the ice (I had recently had a fiasco in a snowstorm due to not having good tires). They didn't budge and they made me leave. I calmed Tammy down and told her I'd call her when I got home. The next morning I voiced my concerns to the head of the facility. She apologized and told me that the nursing supervisor was wrong. Not that it much mattered. The harm was done.

The rehab place had excellent physical therapists but the nursing staff and doctor were poor. The facility didn't even have antibacterial gel for the staff. They were supposed to wash their hands in the bathroom but sometimes didn't. The water didn't even get hot. The entire floor Tammy stayed on got a severe stomach bug. Tammy got it and so did I. The doctor was more concerned about Tammy's depression than her medical issues. Just a day and a half after leaving that facility Tammy passed away.

Hopefully, you've read what I have written and tried to put yourself in our shoes. Tammy was a beautiful, funny, sweet, loving, heart of gold person that never seemed to catch a break. I think the biggest good break that happened to us was finding each other. And a lot of times it felt like all we had was each other. Honestly, that's what got us through. The incredible, deep total love we had for each other. If no one else seemed to care about us, we always had that.

When Tammy passed away on March the 6th, my world felt like it ended. The only person that cared about me, loved me, laughed with me, ate meals with me, lived with me... was gone. All the love I have for her is still there... and what hurts is that others don't understand how devastated, how depressed, how confused, how lonely and how sort of dysfunctional I am now without her. And how much it hurts.

I have posted on Tammy's Facebook page several times. It's interesting... and sad. So many of her friends from work that abandoned her are now posting how wonderful she was. I started a memorial page for Tammy and asked others to tell their stories on the page as well. Only a couple have responded. Her mother, one of her sisters and Katie haven't even written any memories there. I'm sorry, but that simply isn't right.

I've talked to a few people on the phone but it's clear most people don't want to hear about my feelings or my loving stories of Tammy. Our society is so messed up. The media has programmed people to think you need about a month to get over the loss of a wife and to move on. They don't want to be bothered with someone else's grief. It's not their problem, it cramps their style. Yes, I realize my grief is my grief and everybody has their own issues and their own life to live, but how about trying to comfort someone in their time of need?

I run an online car forum. One of my former moderators there started a GoFundMe page to honor Tammy and to help me with expenses. Keep in mind we have over 9,000 members. The community has been online over 12 years. I honestly thought my members would help and we'd meet the "goal". After all, as the "respected" founder of the community, and people knowing how Tammy was my world (because of all my posts there about Tammy), I knew it would work out. Well, in a month we've gotten some donations and (I'm very appreciative) but only 1/5 of the fairly modest goal. My house was badly damaged in a winter storm and still hasn't been repaired.

So here I am today, wondering if anyone cares if I'm alive or not. That may sound harsh, but it's the reality. Can you imagine this... I texted Tammy's youngest sister a few weeks ago during one of those "moments" basically telling her I didn't know if I could go on with this life. Her response? "Do you have any hobbies?". Seriously??

I'm doing the best I can do. I'm working at my job, I'm eating a little more although not as healthy as I should. All the other things... the house chores, my to do list and other basics are being neglected. I just don't have the motivation. When I think I might be doing better, I have one of those moments. When I have one of those moments I try to reach out to people but they don't feel the need to help.

This is all so hard, so overwhelming and so depressing.

[kayc]

Mitch,

You are right. Your family hasn't demonstrated caring very well. Neither has hers. I don't understand that. Tammy is someone heroic for fighting to live, for never giving up, never quitting, for donning a beautiful smile in spite of her pain and limitations. It's sad that in our society we don't hold jobs open for people who through no fault of their own can't make it to work for a while. It's sad that in our society people can't be bothered with someone who is grieving. It is sad in our society that grievers are treated like they are contagious. People want to be around upbeat positive people but the truth is, sometimes our lives are anything but. I wish I had something more to offer you than "hang in there" but the truth is, that is all I know to tell you. Hang in there is what I did when my husband passed away. It is what I did when I subsequently lost my job. It is what I did when I discovered the next man I married was nothing but a con that had stiffed me for $50,000.00 and cheated on me continually and had never meant any of his vows. Hang in there is what I did when I was laid off during the recession. Hang in there is what I did when I broke my right arm and lived alone and had no one to help me even take the garbage out or give me a ride (my car was a stick shift, I had to drive it pain and all). Hang in there is what I did when I had months of injuries following my decision to retire...and no medical insurance. Hang in there is what I had to do when I had surgery right before Christmas and the person I was counting on did not come through and I was left alone to fend for myself. Hang in there is all I have known to do the last ten years. And I'm still doing it. Sometimes I feel I'm scratching and clawing to do it! But I'm still hanging in there. And I intend to do so for the rest of my life until I can finally be with George again, in peace. Hang in there, Buddy, I'm your friend, and I'll be here whenever you call.

[Dew's Girl]

Hi Mitch,

I really wanted to reach out to you and offer my email or phone for you to call. The reason I hesitate is that I know with where I am right now, that I can't commit to always being there for you. There are times that I count it a victory if I manage to get dressed with two matching shoes on. I would hate for you to reach out in need at a time that I just couldn't respond. As Marty said, we do care. Please know that it isn't that I don't feel for you, but more that I am afraid of doing more harm by it feeling like one more person letting you down if I am not responsive.

-Amy

[annew]

Maryann, I hear you....I feel just the same....I hate this too.....I had it really good in a lot of ways and that's hard to let go of too.

Much love and many blessings for you....you are not alone, no matter how you feel, it is all ok to feel what you do.

AnneW

[mittam99]

I've had a rough few days and have had a few of those moments. Yesterday was a tear-fest. Thoughts of Tammy, looking at pictures.. all of those triggers are hitting me extra hard right now. I keep replaying the day Tammy passed in my mind and questioning why I "didn't know" Tammy's organs were failing. Of course Tammy herself just felt very tired, but I'm beating myself up with guilt and it's based on hindsight. I know that's totally unfair to me but it's where my head seems to go.

On another note, I live in a suburb outside of Baltimore. You probably are aware we had rioting and bedlam here. I watched CNN in disbelief last night. Scary stuff. You'd think that Tammy's family might have tried to contact me to see if I was affected in any way... but of course, they didn't. How horrible is that?

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Mitch, I didn't connect the dots or I would have asked you about it when I talked with you. It is a scary time we live in and I've been so thankful I don't live near a city, esp. one that has been so affected by another senseless police killing. I pray for your continued safety.

[mittam99]

This loneliness, sadness, emptiness and longing for Tammy is just overwhelming me, consuming me. It seems like the only time I can subdue those feeling is when I'm at work, at the counselor or on the phone with someone. My life is mostly just crying, sleeping and eating. I have things I need to do that I just keep putting off. I just seem to have no "oomph" and maybe I just don't care anymore. This "life" sucks.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

I am coming up on 5 months since Mark is gone, and I am still putting things off. I walk by something and really don't have the desire to complete it. Like you, I go to work every day (and sometimes it brings on emotions because of reasons I have posted in other places), I sleep, eat and take care of the three dogs. I still feel no real joy in things. I may laugh here and there, but no "spark". It had always been just Mark and I. We have no children, step children...no one but us. My evenings are long, and if there is nothing on tv, I find myself putting on "Mike & Molly" just for company. I have been reading the books I have on grieving...I can't really concentrate on novels or anything with lots of details. I just got out of an hour staff meeting, and my focus was lost about 15 minutes into it. Tomorrow is the first time taking the dogs to the vet without him, and a friend is helping me to get there. I know it is going to be emotional. I understand the loneliness and emptiness you experience. I have to hold on to hope that one day it won't be this intense.

[mittam99]

Maryann, my TV is on all the time as well. I just don't have the ability to focus on a full show for the most part. It's just background noise. For the most part I avoid any shows Tammy and I used to watch and enjoy. Anytime a happy married life scene is shown I either tear up or turn the channel. For a while I was hardly eating at all... now I'm overeating. The love of my life... my reason to live, isn't here anymore and I have no one in my life that loves me at all. Tammy and I had a love for the ages and I've gone from a perfect love to feeling absolutely unloved in any way. It's pretty unbearable. I'm trying to "cope" but honestly, I'm just going through the motions each and every day.

[kayc]

I canceled my tv when George died, it seemed something else I could save $ on, plus it was hard to focus and I didn't want reminded of when we used to watch it together. It took years before I tried it again.

[mrundell]

I'm so sorry for your pain Mitch.... I too have had a rough few days. I've been traveling for work, and somehow, last night I had one of those moments... moments when the pain was crushing that I could hardly even breath. Today, I'm traveling home and its all I can do not to cry as I wait for my flight. I miss Don so much. I feel so empy inside. It's like I'm me... but I'm not. I may never be me again... at least the me I was.

Micki

[kayc]

Micki, I don't think we are ever the same again. How can we be?

[Dew's Girl]

I agree that we are never the same again. I just posted on my blog about this very thing.

We hear that grief gets better with time. That someday we can get back to ourselves. Yet this kind of loss cuts too deep to not change us. I don't think that the pain ever really lessens. Time just gives us a chance to forget what it felt like before we had the scars.

[mittam99]

I'm still just going through the motions. Nothing feels right in this world. This so-called "new normal", feels very abnormal. I just don't know how to live without Tammy. She was my life, she made my life happy. Without her, it feels like I'm here, but why? I take pleasure in nothing these days.

Honestly, that's not who I am. I like to have fun, like to joke around. I loved making Tammy laugh and being silly. Now, I have a life of nothing (unless emptiness counts as something lol). I get up, shower, work, eat and sleep. And repeat.

The people that may have called to check on me in the first couple weeks have since forgotten about me. It's a lonely, depressing existence.

[MartyT]

Mitch, my dear, I don't know if you're aware of it, but you might find this resource helpful, as it addresses the special challenges faced by widowers like yourself: National Widowers' Organization

[mrundell]

Mitch... I know your struggling... I too can't seem to get past the continual saddness that engulfs me. I try to stay busy... but that only works for so long. I know Don wouldn't have wanted me to be sad for long... we had too great a life together. I try to remember the gifts we'd shared (we had almost 4 years since he "coded" the first time). Its hard to believe that the special happiness we shared is gone. But the memories remain, and I realize, not everyone has or will ever have a "great" love. I was blessed. If I die tomorrow, I'll be okay.

Remember the good and the love. It will see you through.

Micki

[kayc]

Mitch,

You haven't had time to get used to your "new normal"...by this time table I hadn't even known what my new normal was! It's going to take much effort and time to adjust to this, it doesn't happen this quick. It's okay to lament, that's part of the adjusting. I also know what it's like to be forgotten...none of our friends stayed friends through George's death and the aftermath. I found that rather unbelievable, as if we don't have enough to adjust to! Others have been more fortunate, but it's not uncommon to have everyone disappear on you. I think finding purpose was the hardest thing for me to do...I'm not quite sure I have it yet, maybe a little, but not in a big way like when he was alive. I think it'll probably be a challenge for you too, esp. since you felt great sense of purpose being Tammy's caregiver. I wasn't George's caregiver, but I was his "everything"...what purpose can be greater than that? I figure the love we shared will have to suffice for me throughout the rest of my life. We loved each other so deeply, the memories have to be what sustains me. I realize that many people, perhaps even most people, never experience a love like that.

[Froggie4635]

I am always a little nervous about posting sometimes for others...sometimes I don't feel that I have the right or enough experience. Also, I am still learning my way with my stuff. It hurts that everyone here is here because they have lost something very precious. I was a caregiver for many years with my mom. She had a stroke that debilitated her when I was 24 years old, and I cared for her until her death. I am a caregiver by nature, but I didn't really have to be a caregiver for Mark. For the most part he was always healthy...never saw the heart attack coming. But a majority of my life was made up of loving him with my entire being. We weren't very social and didn't have friends we went out with, so I don't have the anguish of feeling deserted by friends. Mark WAS my social life, my best friend...my world. My work life isn't much different than it was before...except it is not Mark dropping me off and picking me up very day. I'm not experiencing the feelings of abandonment...I don't even feel abandoned by Mark. I wish there was something I could do to take away the pain that I read in these posts. But I am coming to understand that with GREAT love comes GREAT grief. Today is 5 months since Mark passed, and it is still as vivid as it was the day it happened. I don't focus on it every minute, but I feel it every minute. My heart also aches for everyone.

[KATPILOT]

It truly is hard to take pleasure in anything right now Mitch. In the first months of this journey, we can hardly give a small rats +++

about much and that's okay. We struggle just to get through our day and find ourselves at the point of "losing" it so easily. Like you mention Micki, traveling alone is one of those times when it hits the hardest.

I know this doesn't offer much comfort, yet it will get easier as time goes by. I would never have believed it myself when told this but it's true. At first we feel that our love was deeper and more special than any other person could be experiencing. We sometimes feel that ours was the most important love affair that ever was. Then you spend some time here or perhaps in a group of other widowed souls and you begin to understand. You begin to realize that pain is all around you and you begin to hold fast to each other like souls in a lifeboat watching your very in common ship go down. Everyone here died a little that day. Those of us who have traveled longer hear and remember. Dear God do we remember. Take note. We are still alive and working through this. I still have nights when I wake up in a very dark place but not always. I find myself reading a lot of what others write thinking about those souls struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I find strength in what I read. Sometimes I pick up tools that help me on my journey. The point is, we are all in this together. We are all friends with something in common and we have a pretty damn good mentor.

Maryann I was writing this as your post appeared and what I said goes for you too!

[mittam99]

Some random thoughts...

I often write here regarding the fact that nobody cares about me these days. It hurts because it just seems so cruel that people won't reach out and help comfort someone in overwhelming grief. Yet, the fact is, when Tammy was in my life, selfish people like that wouldn't bother me one bit. I'd just figure it was their problem. I had Tammy, and honestly, she was all I needed. Our love was amazing for each other... and she made everything better for me. Now that she's gone and I have no one in this world that loves me, everything feels so different. So empty and meaningless. It's like I have the plague or something and people feel the need to avoid me.

Another thing I'm noticing is that I dwell less and less on me and more and more on how unfair life was to Tammy. She deserved good health. How could she be taken away at only 45 years old? I find myself looking at pictures and crying out "Tammy please come back" over and over. I see a preview for the new season of a tv show Tammy liked and I cry so hard knowing she can't watch. I keep crying thinking about things we planned that will never be.

This "life" is nothing but gut wrenching misery.