How To Say "don't Act Normal"?

[MEMP]

My mom died two weeks ago tonight. She was only 73 and we knew she had chronic atrial fibrillation (an irregular heartbeat), but nobody (including, I am quite sure, my mom) thought it would result in sudden cardiac arrest and her dying in her sleep.

Obviously we were all completely unprepared, and my family members and many friends and colleagues have been lovely and supportive. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay in a bubble, and after a week I was back at work and some of my regular activities.

The transition has been very difficult. I have read that I have to ask for what I need, but I am at a loss as to how to express that while right now I like having some specific things to do, I'm not equipped to deal with extended interactions with casual chit-chat and joking around. Basically I want to say you can't act like everything is normal around me. If anyone has thoughts on a productive way to say that, I would love to hear them. Thanks.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Memp,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing one's mother is especially hard, so my heart hurts for you. Marty, our moderator and expert, and others on the forum, will be able to help you with information as to how to have your specific needs met better than I. You are so early into grief that you might not yet know what your needs are, and that's all right.

I know from personal loss that others will often behave as though your loved one has not died, while you want to scream something like, "Don't you know my mother has died? How can you go on doing everyday things as though she is still alive?" I remember feeling similar to what you describe. It feels surprising that everyone just goes on with life. I remember the hurt and anger I felt, because it felt disrespectful to my loved one and to me.

People don't usually mean to be insensitive. Quite often, they just don't know what to say or do, so make mistakes (me included, and I'm sorry for any hurt I ever caused, or may cause). People's behavior must seem even more surprising to you since your mother died unexpectedly. You are adjusting to the idea of her not being with you yourself.

Again, I am so sorry that you are hurting. You will find the people here friendly, warm, and welcoming, although sorry for your reason for being here with us.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother...two weeks isn't very long, my mother died in August but it was expected, I think it's harder when it's a shock, you're ill prepared for it. ANY time isn't good because we can't prepare for the finality, even when the death IS expected!

I think I'd tell these people something like, "I'm grieving and just normal conversation is tough for me right now." We aren't up to listening to mundane trivial things when our world is upside down! People don't mean to be insensitive (most of them), but some are just clueless as to how to be there for us.

When you feel up to it, you might call a friend and ask them, "do you have time to listen to me? I need someone to talk to." Don't be surprised if people suddenly "become busy" though, I wasn't prepared for everyone just ditching me when my husband died, but it happens to a lot of us. Blessed are the ones who have a friend that sticks around!

[MartyT]

The fact that there is so much written about this very topic (that is, coping with the insensitivity of others when you are in mourning) may convince you that you're not alone in this experience.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it may help: Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

Make sure that you take a look at some of the Related Articles listed at the base of the article, too. ♥

[Guest]

Memp, I'm so sorry. Losing my mom was so hard for me. I changed from fulltime to parttime work for 3 years after she died. Even that was tough though, because my alone-time is actually harder on me than my busy-time.

I lost my mother in 2010, my mother in law in 2012, then my son in Jan 2015. It's incredible every loss, every day, to see the world to continue to spin on its axis, to see people going about their days and nights, having parties, celebrating holidays, and having mundane conversations about the weather when in our heads there's another narrative going on. I am personally dealing with the loss of of most of my friendships right now because they simply have stopped calling, visiting and every sort of contact aside from hitting 'like' on facebook. It's disturbing me tremendously.

But I think that I made a mistake. I waited 8 weeks before I said anything to anyone about ignoring me. I didn't say what I needed, and that I was drowning in sorrow and needed contact. Instead I counted days, I tallied up names and dates of contact and became really really bitter. I continue being bitter. It's given me even more to grieve about. So my advice is to not wait. Tell people now what you need and don't need. Those that ignore your requests should be avoided, and those that do listen should be cherished.

And go easy on yourself. When you need to cry - just do it. Don't apologize for it either. I do personally recommend a grief counselor to help you along this journey. It's a wilderness and having a guide is helping me.

Like it was said above "Blessed are the ones who have a friend that sticks around!"

[kayc]

And the worst part is we can tally up their offenses and be bitter to the end and you know what? They don't care! The only one it hurts is US!

[MartyT]

Good point, Kay ~ thank you for that.

I just want to add that many of us do not know what true friendship is and what it requires of us until we've suffered a significant loss. We simply cannot know what this grief feels like until it happens to us ~ and sometimes we don't even know ourselves what we want and need from our friends! Obviously what we really want and need is to have our loved one not be dead ~ but that is the one thing we cannot have, and the one thing our friends cannot give to us. Even if we're not in mourning, if we have just one true friend ~ of the sort that we can call upon at any time of the day or night and know ~ know for sure ~ that he or she will "be there" for us, we are blessed beyond measure. Such friendships are precious and rare. Grief forces us to reevaluate our friendships and see them in a much different light. It also needs to be said that, as our mothers taught us, to have a friend we must be a friend ~ and when we're in the initial throes of grief, how much energy do we have to devote to maintaining our friendships with others? As I wrote in the article I mentioned earlier,

I’d also like to add this thought about friendships. Unlike a therapeutic relationship (whose focus is on the client and the client’s needs) a friendship is a “two-way street” that, in most cases, requires us to give to the other as much as we get back. Like a good marriage, if it is to last, a close friendship requires fairly constant tending, and also requires that we overlook each other’s faults and shortcomings. In short, maintaining a close friendship is work, and sometimes it can be harder work than we may be capable of doing at the time, given the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

We all know that mourning is hard work, too, although of a different kind--but work nonetheless, and it requires a great deal of energy, most especially in the beginning. I suspect that when we are in the depths of grief, we have precious little energy left over to invest in our friendships. Over time, I think, our friends begin to notice this, and some of them may not be willing to put more into maintaining a relationship with us than we are able to give back to them. Such “fair weather” friends may take a vacation from us and come back later when the weather’s nicer and they think we’re better, or they may abandon us completely, never to be friends with us again.

If we find that others are not there for us in the ways that we need them to be, we may not have the energy or the will to confront them effectively about that right now, and we may want to look elsewhere for understanding, comfort and support.

I think it boils down to this: When dealing with others who aren’t living up to our expectations of how we think they should “be there” for us, we have three choices: We can choose to bear with such people and simply ignore their shortcomings; we can assume a teacher's role and enlighten them about what we've learned about grief and what we need from them; or we can look to others who are more understanding to find the support we need and deserve.

[LadyCarrie]

I'm not even good at math, but I have been really good at this kind of "tallying," and Kay is right, it hurts only the one doing the tallying. I confess it took me decades to learn this truth.

My temperament is melancholic-choleric (heavy on the melancholic), which, for me, means I am sensitive (can keep accurate score when I tally), and have been choleric enough at times to let people know they've not behaved well. Age and experience have taught me that my tallying hurt only me, and that it's in my best interest to say what my needs are (if and when I know what they are), and to end relationships that are no longer good for me. This is "head knowledge," but often too difficult to act upon. I don't let people go easily, so do everything I can to find solutions.

In truth, it was only through my forgiving those who hurt me that I've found peace in my soul. Forgiving in no way says that the wrongs are "all right," but that I have chosen to let go of the bitterness that hurt only me (tended to make me angry to realize only I was being hurt). It does mean that I have walked away from some people when solutions could not be found. It is right and good to walk away from "friends" who are not true friends, or when relationships become too painful. I am not an expert here; I'm speaking from only life-experiences, and like Lucy at her psychiatry booth, I can charge only 5 cents (Charles Shultz' Peanuts character).

These ladies have advised you well.

I wish I had had counseling much earlier in life. I thought I could get back to seeing our counselor long before now, but we have no driver (health issue).

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

We've all had friends in the past that WE were there for through thick and thin but when we needed THEM, they were unwilling to be there for us. These we need to evaluate, when we are ready, whether we want to go forward with them as friends or not.

I read an article years ago that helped me understand it better, it said we all have different ideas of what "friendship" is. To some it is someone you go do fun things with. To someone else it means someone you'd give the shirt off your back to or help them move. To some it is someone you just get together for a cup of coffee and "share" about your day. To some it's who you have as a friend on Facebook or maybe just someone you send a Christmas card to once a year. And there's everything in between. Some friends are needy and demanding of our time, perhaps more time than we have to give. Years ago I had a friend like that. She'd call me the second I got in the door from working all day and she'd want to be on the phone for two hours...day after day after day. This was before portable phones and you work literally tethered to the wall and I'd need to go to the bathroom and she wouldn't stop talking long enough to let me, even though I told her! I finally had to put some distance between us because she was offended if I didn't want to be on the phone for hours, after having answered the phone all day at work. I still cared for her, but I didn't fit her need for friendship and it was healthier for both of us if I called it quits. Having different levels of friendship doesn't mean we or they are good or bad, just incompatible, and once we understand that, we can move on, free to find someone more compatible with us. It can change over the years, too, as our lives evolve. When my kids were little I'd get together with other "friends" that had little kids and we'd visit while our kids played together. As the kids got older and developed their own interests and had their own groups/activities, we drifted apart, naturally. We still like each other, we're on FB, but we don't get together any more, and that's okay.

[kayc]

You posted while I was writing, Carrie. I couldn't agree with you more. It's easier to forgive when you understand what forgiveness ISN'T. It doesn't mean it was right or okay or that you agreed with it. And it doesn't mean you'll let them do it again. It's good to have boundaries. But it's also good to let go of grudges. When someone hurts you, send them our way, we'll box their ears and let them go!

[LadyCarrie]

I was thinking of you just now as I was washing dishes, Kay. I think that you and I graduated from the University of Hard Knocks (not "school of"), and came out wanting to help others, rather than stay as bitter as we once were. I don't know if you suffered bitterness, but I reeked of it until Jerry told me I was a victim, and helped me work from having my "dukes up" (in protectiveness of self) to forgiveness.

[kayc]

I think bitterness is something we've all dealt with at some time or another to some degree. When people hurt us, I think it's our natural response. I had to learn to let go of it, and it took God's help.

[MartyT]

Over on her blog Alive in Memory, our friend and fellow bereaved mom Maria Kubitz has written a brilliant piece on this very topic, entitled Us vs. Them ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Well-said. Thank you for the article, Marty. I have troubles reading about the death of a child, but I can't talk about that yet. Just know, all right? I've read some of the articles you've posted for others, for some apply to me as well. I've been going through another "dip" due to some changes in our circumstances here, so I appreciate the articles and care.

Carrie

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry you're going through yet another "dip," dear Carrie. I hope it helps to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers ♥

[Guest]

Carrie, I work in bus transit, and we drive around those that can't and bill medicare / medicaid for the trips. Maybe this service is available where you live? We go out into rural areas too, not just in the city limits. Just a thought...

[kayc]

We have something like that here, it's called RideSource and you have to be on Medicaid to use it.