I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[kayc]

♥

[Dew's Girl]

I haven't felt like writing, but I've still been reading here almost daily. Your posts really help me feel less alone.

This illness is still hanging on and I have a horrible cough. My doctor said that grief can lower our immune systems and make it harder to shake things.

[Smudgie]

Amy,

Grief can certainly depress the immune system and can cause all sorts of health problems, try to eat well and look after yourself even though you may not feel like it.

Peace and love

[feralfae]

Dear Amy,

I am so sorry that you have lost your wonderful Daniel. Your words beautifully convey your love and grief, and I am glad you feel supported here. Sorry I have not been around much. This month is heavy in special days, as 19 May is both our anniversary and Doug's birthday. He has been gone 3 years and three months, and I am much stronger and able to enjoy life a lot more than I could even a year ago. It takes as much time as we need on this journey, and I am glad you are here with us, around Marty's wonderful fire, to make the journey with the loving support that resides here. Welcome and some *<fairy dust>* which is a prayer and a blessing and a hug.

Yes, grief weakens our immune system. And grief often settles in the lungs. Please do all you can to care for yourself, giving yourself all the love and compassion that Daniel would give you if he were there. Or that you would give to him. I know you are probably doing so, but I just wanted to stress this. Please reach out to the people at work, friends, any family, and ask for help and support. People could bring soup, other meals, and some fresh fruits. Your body needs lots of rest. If you have not done so, you might want to talk with a local Healer. Perhaps a naturopath or Ayurvedic doctor. There are some natural products you can take to boost the immune system. For a while, I was taking colostrum, propolis, and extra Vitamin D. This might be entirely the wrong combination for you, but some immune boosters of some type might help with the illness.

Do you have a humidifier? Can you take an Elderberry extract, such as Sumbucus? Here, so you needn't hunt for it, from Wikipedia:

"Folk medicine

Black elderberry has been used medicinally for hundreds of years.[8][9] Some preliminary studies demonstrate that elderberry may have a measurable effect in treating the flu, alleviating allergies, and boosting overall respiratory health.[10][11] Elder is used in traditional Chinese medicine, dissolved in wine, for rheumatism and traumatic injury.[12]"

I do hope you can get some help—and kindly visitors—soon. Encourage people to take care of you for a while until you have your strength back, and that might take a week or more. You have healing going on at may levels, from your broken heart to your lungs, so devote yourself to healing until the lungs clear. You must do this, practicing patience and good care of your precious body.

Enough of me mothering you for a while.

*<twinkles>* and Peace to your Heart.

feralfae

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are still sick! I was recently sick for nine days, but have been well a few days and I think you were sick the whole time I was, I hope you are able to shake this soon!

[KATPILOT]

While on the topic, keep this in mind. Grief does cause stress which does facilitate shingles. I was told the first month that I became widowed, that I should get a shingles vaccine as soon as possible so I did. I went to my local grocery store pharmacy and it was done. I wasn't on medicare yet and I don't know if that even is covered but it was not that expensive and well worth it. In Arizona you must be at least 50. Just wanted to share that in case there is anyone still unaware.

It is so very important that we take care of ourselves though often the desire is not there. Below is a truism I read just today.

"grief didn't kill me

(although I was sure it would)

I noticed that I didn't

cry myself to death

(although I tried)

I notice that the next day

kept showing up

(although I doubted it would come again)

Life went on but yes, yes

it got better

I have faced loss

painful, excruciating loss

and, I'm still here

Did you here me???

I'M STILL HERE !!!!

Kim T. Hammer.

[MartyT]

Excellent advice, Stephen, and I thank you for sharing this.

Our newer members may find this post informative and helpful: Physical Reactions to Loss

[Dew's Girl]

Thanks so much for the poem and the link. I am on the mend now and feeling much better after a second round of antibiotics.

This illness has made me think more about selling my house and moving closer to family and friends. Right now I am about an hour away from those who would care for me when I need it. It will be hard leaving all of the memories here, and I know that they say not to make any major decisions during the first year, but I also think that I need more support than I can get this far from my loved ones.

[kayc]

It is a consideration, for sure, yet I haven't wanted to move because this is where my husband and I lived, this is where he called our "home in the clouds" (on a mountain), this is where his ashes are scattered, where my pets are buried, where I raised my kids. I know it's likely I may have to move sometime in my lifetime as it'd be a hard place to grow really old by myself...I'm 62 but in my family we live well into our 90s, and with no public transportation here, no hospitals nearby...IDK, it'd be hard to move away though, I've been here 38 years.

[Dew's Girl]

Just checking in. Saturday marked 5 months since I lost Daniel and it isn't any easier. I am just going through the motions of life, going to work, writing in my blog, and sleeping a lot. It's easier when I am asleep.

I went on a family trip recently and while I love my family and enjoyed being with them, I still prefer to be alone. It was good to get back to my solitude.

While I haven't felt much like posting recently, I still read this site just about daily. It helps to read what you all are thinking and feeling. It's the time I feel least alone. Thank you for that.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

That's what this is all about. I am very thankful for this group of people where I can reveal what really on my mind. If the rest of the world knew how much George was in my heart and mind, they'd think I was touched, doing something wrong. They don't understand. This group of people gets it.

[iPraiseHim]

I agree KayC. I don't post as often as i should but I try to keep up with the posts. At this point in my journey, I realize most people lives have moved on and not really that affected by her death. The exception is a few people and this group. It is almost like an alter universe but it is my reality in walking with/through grief. A few moments life almost feels normal and then moments later I'm body slammed by some feeling, memory or emotion. At times, losing my wife to death still takes my breath away. I still get up and live each day to the fullest and hopefully to glorify God. I am so thankful for this group.

[Dew's Girl]

I know that they say not to make any big decisions in the first year, but I've sold the house and will be moving in a few weeks. It has been difficult, but for health reasons I need to be closer to my family. Right now I am over an hour away and the new house is 5 minutes from my sister and 20 from my parents.

Packing has been difficult. I was prepared for the big things like saying goodbye to the 10 years of memories in each room. It's the small, insignificant stuff that really creeped up on me. Before it was easy to just leave Daniel's tooth brush in the holder. Now I have to decide... throw it away or keep an old, used toothbrush. Neither sounds right. It's those small things that I didn't think anticipate.

[kayc]

Good luck with the move. They usually say not to make big changes at first, but I remember someone else having a similar situation, she graduated and didn't want to be where she was, in a different state from her family and wanted to look for work close to her family. I felt in her situation it'd be better to make the move rather than wait and set up her life where she didn't want to be.

In the end, it's up to us to know what is best for us and make our decisions accordingly. I know moving will be hard but once it's behind you I hope it goes better.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

I know it had to be hard for you to make that decision. Personally, I feel better knowing you will be closer to family. This is really a time family is needed. Daniel would want the best for your health. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Dew's Girl]

I spent the evening listening to songs that remind me of Daniel and looking at old pictures. I am a mess. I miss him so much but at the same time, I really realize how amazingly lucky I was to have him for as long as I did. It was almost like the universe was making up for the fact that we wouldn't be together very long by giving us so much love to share during the time we did have.

[MartyT]

What a lovely way to describe the love you have for each other, Amy!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Amy,

Your description hit me to the core. The time with Mark was SO SHORT in comparison to most people who post, and we packed so much love into those years. I still felt like a newlywed right up to the day Mark died. Now I do what I can to feel close to him; I created a new CD full of songs that make me think of us. There is a special song I found by Martina McBride..."All the Things We Never Did". It cuts right to the heart of what I feel, there are so many things we aren't going to do. I know one day I won't feel so lost and will smile more when remembering all that we had. I was blessed with him.

[kayc]

They drank their anniversary glass
A silent moment passed then they kissed
She knows there's something on his mind
He'll tell her in due time what it is

He says, "I've never built your mansion on a hill
Or warmed you in the Spanish sun
I simply blink my eye and think as years fly by
Of all the things we've never done"

She smiles and takes his hand in hers
And says, "It just occurred to me now
The thought that brings you such regret
What hasn't happened yet, it makes me proud"

You never walked away when I needed you to stay
Or made me feel I'm not the one
There've been no broken vows
And there reason we're here now is all the things we've never done

We've never grown apart, you never broke my heart
With secrets that you've kept me from
We've never been untrue and I'm still here with you
Through all the things we've never done

[Froggie4635]

Thanks, Kay.

[Dew's Girl]

Thank you Maryann and Kay. I had not heard that song before, but I love it.

[feralfae]

What a perfect and beautiful song! I still mourn for all the things we never did, and this helps to put those dreams in to perspective. Thank you so much.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[Dew's Girl]

I don't have the energy to say anything else today, so I will copy from my blog post. I know you all will understand in a way that others do not.

The last time I was truly happy, was falling asleep beside Daniel on January 12, 2015. Daniel left us at 3:20 am on January 13th. I thought I would die on that day too. Each day after, I expected my heart to stop beating. Yet, each day it continues and so do I. But I am not living either.

Now, I am a ghost haunting this life. No longer a part of it. The world has lost all of it's color and I move through the day in scales of grey. I am just bidding time until I get to see him again.

I know that sounds depressing as hell, even as I type it. But I don't mean it that way and it's not me feeling sorry for myself despite the tone. I can still laugh with friends. I can still enjoy time with family. I still have pride and a sense of accomplishment from my job. But as great as these things are, they do not come close to touching the hole that Daniel left behind. I just feel disconnected from the people around me.

With the perspective of the last half year, I can finally admit to myself without breaking in to tears that I will have a life without Daniel. I know that it will be full of people who love me and that there will be good times to come. But I also know, in my heart, that it will forever be in the shadow of what was and will always be compared with what can never be.

Six months in when people ask if things are getting easier, it is hard to answer. The truth is that yes, it is getting easier, but not in the way that they mean. I don't miss him any less and I am not starting to move past the loss. It is just easier because I am coming to terms with the fact that this is my new reality. I won't ever again feel the way I did when Daniel was with me in this lifetime. Whether it is 40 days from now or 40 years, the next time I will be truly happy will be when I am with him again.

[kayc]

It's true, we don't stop missing them and we don't move past the loss, it's always there...all we can hope to do is somehow adjust enough to learn to live our lives even with our loss.