iPraiseHim Posted September 19, 2015 Report Share Posted September 19, 2015 My latest writing is about how I've reached a point where I really feel that it is no longer socially acceptable to talk about my grief to family and friends very often. I feel the same way, I posted every month on Facebook simply "1 month... Shalom". After the six month, it is so private of an event that i only journal and post in this discussion group. I've had people say, you need to stop count,,, just get on with life. For those of us grieving our spouses, its not that easy or simple. I'm thankful for this group because people just listen and care. Each of us has to find our way through but we don't have to do it alone. Sometimes it helps to just say, "I'm hurting, or lonely, etc.." and for other to just listen and not try to fix us. I am blessed to have found this sanctuary. it will take whatever it takes to get through this. I know not to stuff, bury, hide, or pretend I'm not feeling something and then compensate by some compulsive behavior. And it's okay to seek help to see us through. Failure in life is not getting knocked down. It is when you give up and don't get up. I've fallen plenty of times... By God's grace, I keep getting back up. Each day is a new day full of Grace. Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 Maryann the song is amazing and Kayc I thank you for the post and I wept as I read the lyrics. The day before he died he said to me 'we work so hard we should be millionaires. I am sorry I can't buy you villas and beautiful shoes' and I replied 'we are millionaires we have each other' the song reminded me of that. Amy I echo all you have said. It is only 2 months (today) for me, but really what does a time comparison actually mean with grief? Nothing really. I know I was given my soulmate and I know he is gone from this earth. I know I will never again love like it and I know the shiny things in life have dulled and will continue to be just a little bit duller without him. I know I will age now in my own eyes and in the eyes of others whereas in his eyes I hadn't aged in 18 years. He saw me as the woman he first met and would have continued to. We were never changed in the eyes of the other. The promise of tomorrow, of holding his hand and laughing until we cried at some little private joke,has gone. Last night our son went out with some friends to celebrate his 16th birthday. It is the first time I have let him go out 'late' in the city. I sat alone unable to function until I heard his key in the door. I will always panic like that I fear. When he is late I see ambulances and emergency rooms and the grim faces of doctors but that is the legacy of sudden death I'm afraid. Hardly fair to my son but it is as it is. It hit me that no one on earth at this moment loves my son as much as I do. there is no one to fret with and rejoice with. There is a 'he' sized gap in our lives that can never be filled. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 I'm sorry. I know how hard this is. Every time I listen to any of you post, my heart wants to hug you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 21, 2015 Report Share Posted September 21, 2015 No one who lives in the sun can feel the Winter George. people who are not on this road cannot possibly grasp what we are all going through and continue to. Even if they do experience this (and most of us will at some point) they may react differently. What bugs me is that people set false expectations, that you should be 'getting better' or 'getting over' or 'getting through' by a certain time.....anytime from a week after the funeral to a couple of months or so. I won't engage with these people on any meaningful discussions. It isn't worth it. In my case I simply say 'ok' when asked how I am and make it clear from that the discussion ends. My 2 oldest and closest friends support me by telephone as they don't live in the same country and my friend in New Zealand by email and of course, you all in this forum. So all in all I consider myself fortunate. I just wish I had some living family other than my wonderful son, but wishing doesn't make it so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 21, 2015 Report Share Posted September 21, 2015 Debi,I didn't realize your son was your only living relative. What about your husband's family? My husband's family disappeared on me after he died, but some people get to retain their in-laws. I'm glad you have some friends, just wish they were closer! Thank God for living in a day when we're a post or email away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 22, 2015 Report Share Posted September 22, 2015 KayCMy husband's family (his father and brother) live on another continent and I have never met them. He has one cousin who lives in Paris but he is the polar opposite to my husband and we both of us thought him a little odd.As for me, I am an only child as was my mum and dad so I have no one left now. the hardest is that although we were so small in numbers (at one point I had my mum, dad and grandmother) we were so so close. First my dad died the same month I discovered I was pregnant with my son very suddenly at 66, then my grandmother 18 months later and then mum last year also very suddenly. Needless to say this was followed by my husband 2 months ago.My husband, son and myself used to call ourselves 'our little family' we lived to love each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 22, 2015 Report Share Posted September 22, 2015 I think you have a typo on your age. I hope your son marries someone you can be close to and they have grandchildren for you to love and enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 22, 2015 Report Share Posted September 22, 2015 (I think Debi was referring to the age her dad was when he suddenly died, Kay.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 22, 2015 Report Share Posted September 22, 2015 Sorry Kayc, Marty you are absolutely right, I meant to put a comma and I realise without it how weird that sentence sounds. Yes my dad was 66 years old when he died.Thank you Kayc. It would be a wonderful event if in future, my son marries someone that enables me to gain a daughter. I sincerely hope, for many of the reasons I have given, he goes on to have children and more than one, so that we don't continue in our family with jus 1 child. It is a very lonely place being an only child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 Haha, that hadn't occurred to me, I thought it was a typo! Giving birth at 66 would be quite a feat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 I could have my 5 minutes of fame as the oldest mother in town Kayc! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 23, 2015 Report Share Posted September 23, 2015 No kidding! Might even set a world record! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted September 24, 2015 Report Share Posted September 24, 2015 No kidding! Might even set a world record! That really got me laughing...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 24, 2015 Report Share Posted September 24, 2015 Good Kevin. We need all the laughs we can get right now Can you imagine how rich I'd be? With all the TV appearances and sponsorship deals for diapers? Not to mention my bestselling book 'Medical Miracle - a geriatric's guide to childbirth'....available on Amazon and Kindle of course Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted October 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 I feel like such a mess. I knew that this would always hurt, but I am a little surprised that it feels harder as time goes by. I have come to terms with the idea that this is my life now, but I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time still in front of me. I'm in my early 40's. What if I have 30 more years of this? It's just too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 Amy, my dear, being overwhelmed by the amount of time still in front of us is precisely why we always say, Take it one day (hour, minute) at a time. Taking it in chunks any larger than that is like trying to eat an elephant all in one bite. I know you know this already, but sometimes you (we all) need a reminder. Remember, too, that grief changes over time, just as your ability to carry it changes. And when the burden of it feels too heavy to carry, it's okay to lean on the rest of us until you feel strong enough to pick it up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 I like how you put that, Marty...eating an elephant in one bite. So apropos! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 (edited) Marty- that is so right. 1 minute at a time...1 day at a time.i think about the time i have left....i'm currently 33 & i have family members that have lived well into their 90's .......I could live another 60+ years....that is a long long long time without my Michael. however- i could also get into a car accident and pass tomorrow.I don't know when my time will be up and i am trying to convince myself that it is ok to enjoy however many days i have left and make my life have a purpose....even without Michael being here. In fact, since his death I have become interested in maybe changing careers into supporting people with substance abuse issue. Drugs ruined our marriage and stole the life of my Michael. He was a beautiful soul who had issues that were more than he could handle, more than even the two of us could handle together. maybe my purpose here is to help people like him. Who have family, friends and spouses that love them- but they just can't break free.I don't know. What I do know is if I do live to be 90, I don't want to regret allowing the pain and grief to be the focus of my life from this point moving forward. the pain and grief will always be there but some day, it won't be the focus of my day. that is what i am looking for. Edited October 4, 2015 by Harleyquinn 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 I've too been thinking of the decades I have ahead without my boyfriend. I'm ashamed to confess that right now I don't want to live that long without him. But then, what do I know about fate? I can be gone tomorrow or at 90 years old. Harleyquinn, what you are writing about changing careers and support people who are going through what Michael did is very inspiring. I'm too thinking about changing careers and go back to university. But I cannot see clearly what I really want. In the early days I wanted to devote myself to raise awareness on health issues, but then I realised I didn't want to deal with his disease again. I've been changing ideas every day about what to do with my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 Dew's Girl...... started reading your blogs, you got some pretty deep and real stuff there....I have it pinned on my favourites.....Do believe we answer all enquiries " doing fine" no matter what, yesterday, for no reason, in the park , walking by a bench we used to stretch at,I was overcome with emotion..(thank God for those sun glasses).....you mention all these on your blogs so eloquently and from the heart, please keep it up........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 Kevin and Amy and everyone...."Doing fine" or "okay" seem to be the automatic answers to the question "How are you". There are a few close friends where I can say EXACTLY how I am doing. I understand the overcoming of emotion at times when it is not expected. Yesterday I was just sitting in my studio and all of a sudden my bottom lip began to quiver and there were those emotions, right out of the blue. Today marks 10 months that Mark has been gone...I still cannot fathom a world without him. Amy, I read your post about only being 40 and looking at so many years without Daniel. Here I am at 53, trying so hard to not think that thought. One day at a time. I am trying to lay groundwork for the coming months, seeing the anniversary date coming and not knowing how to "celebrate" it. I am still at the point where I need to tell people who had interaction with Mark that he died. I took my little Max in for his grooming on Friday; managed to do it without breaking down, but shared with the owner that Mark had passed away. They were very kind, and said I could bring Max by any time for some upkeep and they would help, since they knew I had my hands full. I want as many people to know that the world no longer has Mark. It is still so hard to believe it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 I think this does cause us to reconsider our lives...we want to use this to make our lives count for something meaningful... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 "Doing fine" or "okay" seem to be the automatic answers to the question "How are you".this. Every time someone asks how I am doing I can't even imagine saying anything other than, "fine". I can't say Michael's name outloud without becoming a mess...I can't talk about how my heart breaks on a daily basis when I remember he is gone. So instead I smile and say I'm fine. I am so thankful to be able to come to this forum daily and not be "Fine". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yes. You might appreciate this article: In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) For people I don't know and don't know me my response is "I've been better." Nobody delves any further and I don't have to lie. For people who are acquaintances I'll respond with "I'm really struggling" or "I'm very fragile right now". With people who really care I will be totally open and honest but I am also working with them to rephrase the rote "How are you?" to "How are you doing today?" That helps them to understand that just because I could talk yesterday without sobbing hysterically does not mean that I'll be able to today. And Debi- being a mother of a teenager in your eighties? NO THANK YOU - it was hard enough in my forties! Edited October 6, 2015 by Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now