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I know it's early, as my son Matthew has only been gone for 4 months now, but my weekend shocked me with bursts of grief that I wasn't expecting and it has hit me like a tsunami. First, it was just us, sitting in the cracker barrel eating breakfast. I didn't even notice the tears flowing as I sat and watched a little family of 4 eating together just a few tables away. The next thing you know I'm a total wreck. The next day I'm cleaning out the garage and run into two crates of Halloween costumes. I don't bother going through them, as I know what kind of fun memories are in there, and I don't want to deal with those right now. I want to get the garage clean. But just moments after those 2 crates leave my hands and are now in the hands of the folks at Goodwill - wham - I'm stuck in the parking lot with my best friend, both of us crying. I didn't dare try to go to mass after these two episodes. I know, I know, it's normal, it's expected, and it's ok. But I feel like such a basket case after these two episodes.

This is my life now. My life sentence of grief bursts and heartbreaks that just keep coming back in waves. The waves were too big this weekend. I can handle the smaller ones better now, now that the calendar has flipped a few times. Progress, I guess. But progress towards what?

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Progress towards adjusting to your new life as it is. It doesn't mean you like it or think it's okay, you probably never will, it means your body is processing all of this stuff that has been thrown at it and it's trying to adjust to it so you can live through it and coexist with it. It's hard, but this is all part of it.

I understand about grief tsunamis, I think all of us do. I'm sorry your weekend was so hard.

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Guest

Thank you Kay. All of this makes me feel crazy. My husband sure thinks that I am moving backwards instead of forwards. He just explained to me at lunch today that I need to 'let it go' and that I 'can't change what's happened'. I know he means well, he means the absolute best for me, and that he doesn't have better words to use. But that didn't help. I took a xanax and came back to work. I hadn't done that in a couple of weeks, but today it feels like another storm coming on, in my mind. I hope it's just fear of repeats of the weekend episodes. I don't know.

I do think I will discuss this, again, with my therapist tomorrow. She says it's normal, maybe I just need to hear another person say that to me.

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Cindy, my dear, one of our dearest members often wrote about what she called "the tsunami of grief," and she even painted a watercolor depicting it. You can see the pictures she shared in this thread: Scroll down the page until you come to her post with her paintings attached.

As for your husband's comments, bear in mind that men and women tend to express and process their grief differently, and he is evaluating your reactions through his own lenses. Good for you for recognizing that he means well ~ but please know also that you are NOT "crazy" and you are NOT "moving backwards"! What you are describing is normal, normal, normal.

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You certainly are not going crazy, nor are you going backwards. Different stages are harder than others and this is a HUGE loss to process, don't expect more of yourself than what is.

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Guest

That last sentence is my exact problem and has been my entire life. I do expect more of myself, and I always have. Therefore, so does everyone else. Unfortunately, there's no success in this trial.

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Guest

Thank you Marty. I love the paintings. I do believe that it's time that I do some too. I haven't drawn a thing since Matthew died. He was the artist I withheld in myself.

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I did art therapy when George died, I found it very helpful.

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Guest

I probably should try art therapy very soon because this week has been too much 'retail' therapy. The UPS doesn't seem to like coming every day.

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The only thing wrong with retail therapy is you run out of room and $, not necessarily in that order! LOL UPS should appreciate their job security.

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On 6/1/2015 at 1:05 PM, Guest said:

Thank you Kay. All of this makes me feel crazy. My husband sure thinks that I am moving backwards instead of forwards. He just explained to me at lunch today that I need to 'let it go' and that I 'can't change what's happened'. I know he means well, he means the absolute best for me, and that he doesn't have better words to use. But that didn't help. I took a xanax and came back to work. I hadn't done that in a couple of weeks, but today it feels like another storm coming on, in my mind. I hope it's just fear of repeats of the weekend episodes. I don't know.

 

I do think I will discuss this, again, with my therapist tomorrow. She says it's normal, maybe I just need to hear another person say that to me.

  Grief is akin to PTSD. Don't ever think you are crazy. Hugs for you, honey.

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