Facing The Future . . . Sometimes

[kayc]

fae,

Snow is on its way, should have it Thursday night or Friday.  I'm going to try and make my way to my son's today, but there's a lot of flooding so I may not be able to get to his house...it's a long ways to go to "try" but I haven't seen my granddaughter for two months and it's going to start freezing at night and once that happens I can't go overnight, and of course it's too far to go over and back in one day as I can't drive at night.  Winter is starting out tough with high winds, flooding, snow, freezing at night, not conducive to going anywhere!

I got my pipe fixed from the freeze we had two weeks ago, had the plumber out Friday.

I'm ready for Christmas, but may spend it alone, my daughter hasn't called me back and my son & DIL never come here anymore.  They're having a dinner at the museum so I may go there with my neighbor.  It helps to get out.

I'm glad you're doing so much better!  Enjoy doing your cards, I always enjoy that too.   So many people have dispensed with that tradition, it's sad.

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay,

Although my health is better, and many things are going far better than I could have imagined, the absence of Doug is hitting me hard today.  When I go out to the garage, Doug's work bench, with his tools, is there.  Everywhere I look around here, from the benches to the gardens to the bird feeders -- all are reminders of Doug's creative and loving work and his presence, his consciousness, his hands, and our life together.  I keep crying and having moments of being almost paralyzed with missing him.  I know we are all going through this same feeling of being left behind, and so much longing to be together again.  The holidays seem to hit the hardest as I unpack decorations, thinking of past holidays when Doug was here.  I am smiling through tears right now, remembering our first Christmas together, when we found the tallest tree we could fit in the vaulted living room, and loaded it with ornaments just because we were so happy being together.

So, this evening, I am going to light a candle and let myself hold and gentle my grief while I write in my journal and remember, remember, remember.  There are so many good things in my life, and I don't mean to dismiss all the blessings, but for a while this evening, I need to let myself grieve and feel this flood of sadness that my magnificent husband is no longer here with me.  

 

namaste

fae

[kayc]

That is kind of how it is, isn't it...we have good days and hard days.  Most of George's things are gone now, any tools that weren't stolen at his workplace, I have passed on to my son, our trailers too are gone, but here and there are still some things...his hat, his trinket holder...there is no way he could be erased from here, because even the beloved nature and deer and hummingbirds seem a part of him.  This place is full of memories...

I hope you hold yourself close and gentle tonight...

[Widowedbysuicide]

I truly love what I have read here.  

It is now about eight months down the road from the last posts and I'm hoping Fae, that your journey has continued to improve.  

It has only been 7 months since the loss of my husband but many of the thoughts and feelings I'm having sound similar to your experiences.  I am grateful for all my husband gave to me, our years together and our son being the greatest.  I am very grateful for the emotional security and memories, and for the material things I am thankful as they have provided me with a home and the necessary things for me to continue living.

The dark times are further apart, not constant now.  They help me to see all of the things that I can be grateful for.  If this pattern of my journey can continue to evolve as time passes I believe that I can do my husband proud.  I need the strength to advocate for survivors of suicide.  It is time for the world to recognize that suicide is the result of an illness.  It is not illegal, not something that is contagious, selfish, or evil.  It is wickedly cruel to shun the grieving because of the stigma surrounding suicide.  We do not hurt less than the friends and families whose loved ones died from cancer or any number of other diseases.  It would not be humane to shame the child whose father was killed by a drunk driver so why are we, the family and friends of a suicide, shamed?  Ignorance!  

Enough of my rant.

May we all be blessed with good health, peacefulness and joy.  We will never forget our loved ones and there will always be dark days, I hope those days are few.

Marita

 

 

 

[feralfae]

today, or rather tonight at 10:20 PM, it will be eight years since Doug escaped from his cancer-infested body that no longer worked for him. I have taken the day off from everything so I can just think about Doug, our life together, all we enjoyed and learned from each other, and all the great things we did together.  I still miss him every day, and think about Doug a lot each day. My home and all the things he did in and around the house remind me of him.  My desk and my art remind me of Doug.  When I step out into the garage and see his work bench, it reminds me of Doug.  My own life reminds me of Doug, because he is no longer here physically to be a part of this life. 

But I am making it. This weekend is training for Destination Imagination assessors (I am one of those) and next week is a meeting with other anthropologists/archaeologists as we prepare a resolution to our governor about destruction of sites prior to proper assessment of those sites. Most states have a fairly strict protocol, but somehow, Montana seems to have adopted a very lax set of standards, resulting in the destruction of many sites by contract "shovel bums" who have not a clue... 

But today, I am watching videos of Doug, going through some photo albums of our climbs and other adventures, reading some of his beautiful love letters to me, and just letting myself indulge in the happy memories while holding our love in my heart. 

When Doug left, I never thought I'd live through his absence. Now I know that I can survive even losing Doug, although it still hurts and sometimes still brings tears and sobbing. But he is still worth it, and so am I.  My mother's death brought up many of those same feelings of loss, but I have survived her leaving as well. But Doug's death was such a huge loss that nothing else compares. 

Life can seem very dark and shadowed when our beloved leaves us here and goes on.  But we can make it.  I have not felt my heart sing the way it did with Doug, but at least now it hums sometimes from the joy of life. I think that will only get better. I still feel Doug here with me often, especially when I have big decisions to make or am feeling very alone. And life keeps handing me lovely surprises. I know now how much I have been loved and am still loved by Doug, as I read his notes and letters, watch his videos he made at my request, and walk though our forest he tended so carefully.  I remain surrounded by his love, and always will be until we are together again. I am wonderfully blessed to have been the one he chose. I am wonderfully blessed to have shared my life with him.  And I am going on, living the life I want to live, and doing the things I want to do. I will always love Doug, and his spirit will live always in my heart. I have survived and I carry on. Peace to us all. *<twinkles>*

[MartyT]

♥️♥️♥️

[kayc]

Sometimes we are really enriched to meet someone special...as is the case with getting to know you, dear fae.  For all that blessing, I wish you did not have to be without your Doug.  You make the best of everything and make your life count, but I know there's that gaping hole inside of you where he is missed...I know because I have one like it.  (((hugs)))

[iPraiseHim]

Fae, Thank you for sharing everything you have with us. On the 16th of this month, I will be experiencing the fifth anniversary of my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  I didn't think I could survive for a day or a week yet here I am. I share the same sentiments that you have expressed... and still we continue on the path laid before us.  I appreciate you and many others that helped, listened, and encouraged me. Thank you - Shalom (Peace)

[feralfae]

George, I am so very sorry you have lost your beloved Rose Anne. I will be thinking of you on the 16th.  I hope it is a day of peace and love for you. Yes, under the care of our Creator, we somehow carry on, on the Path where we are led.  Peace to your heart. *<twinkles>*

[feralfae]

Dear Kay, thank you for your very kind and caring words. I can feel their warmth, and know these words come from your heart. Your presence here is a gift of comfort to us all.  Thank you for your loving compassion for those who are grieving.  I know you carry your own empty places, and that only makes your words mean much more.  Much love, *<twinkles>*

[feralfae]

Dear Marty, 

♥️♥️♥️  right back to you and Much love *<twinkles>*

[feralfae]

Recovering both from Doug's death and the aftermath of his low character family has been a long, difficult, painful and enervating process.  I am stronger now, and can look back on a lot of what happened and see my own growth and understanding of people. And while my faith was shaken, it is now much stronger than it was in 2012, when Doug left.  

At long last, I am back to being immersed in my archaeology.  I am back on the board of an archaeology organization I helped to found in 1993, enjoying my field work, and preparing a paper for presentation next summer.  I have a lovely little field office near the astronomical observatory (7-9K BPE) I am investigating, have some wonderful field staff, most with their PhDs already, and looking forward to presenting papers again. I am also working with other Traditional people to protect and preserve sacred sites in North America.  

Along the way to today, there were times when I was devastated by the ugly things said about me both by the low character people and by others who had a need to control.  I am touched by and strengthened through the love and compassion I find here among others who are grieving, growing, and slowly shaping new lives without their beloved. I think Doug's death gave me better tools to cope with my mother's death.  For that gift, I must thank Marty and Kay and everyone here who held me up, encouraged my healing, and kept me in their prayers. There are not enough good words to say how much this comforting and affirming place has meant to me.  It has been almost ten years since Doug left.  I am finally strong enough to go through many of his papers, notes and messages as I sort, sift, and release those things.  

Thank you to everyone here who has helped me to heal from the devastation of the loss and its aftermath.  Thank you to everyone here who, through their own grief, helped me to articulate and accept my own grieving process.  Thank you to everyone who helped me with tools, thoughts, prayers and their lovingkindness and goodness as I sorted and put myself back together from the loss and the trauma.  This place is still a sanctuary of kindness and goodness for me.  Thank you.  Much love to everyone on their healing journey.  *<twinkles>*

[MartyT]

Your lovely message touches our hearts, dearest Fae, and we thank you for that. We may have provided the information, comfort and support you needed ~ but YOU are the one who did the work. And you have given us just as much ~ and more ~ than you have received. ❤️ 

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing with us @feralfae!  It's always a blessing to hear from you.  I'm glad you're doing what you do best and enjoying it, the world benefits from your work!  

I, too, have learned much through my grief journey, I learned I am complete, just me, without someone.  I have built confidence in myself, relying on my own self to make decisions and follow through.  I've learned to take a day at a time and the power of living in this present moment.  I've also learned the value of gratefulness.

I'm so glad to call you and Marty friends!  What is this life about if it's not sharing along this way!

[feralfae]

Dear Tribe, It's Tuesday afternoon here in Montana, with snow clouds scuttling over the Divide and gliding down into the valley. Probably iced rain and snow.  I am laughing at myself and wanted to share this with you all here.  But first, thank you again for being a safe and healing place to open my heart and life to all of you. At my astronomical site, there are also many sculpted boulders. Quite remarkable.  Recently, I found a beautiful boulder effigy of a mother and baby wooly mammoth. This makes four mammoth effigies I have found in my survey area. I'll post the mother and baby here.  This is a women's site, as they were also the sky watchers and the artists. This is a monumentally sacred place. An entire new chapter of my life, clamoring over the shattered rubble of pieces of my life now discarded.  I truly was a victim of a horrible bit of criminal activity, and I am sure that they have injured further their individual, pitiable lives.  But I am over that now, knowing Someone else can handle all of it. 

Then, I realized that I was grieving for letting go of these ten years of mourning, of the   years and years of successful trauma therapy with a loving and caring trauma therapist, and the healing of my body from years of caregiving 24/7. It was a safe and necessary cocoon while I healed, grieved, found myself as I put back together my shattered psyche. Time to fly (again.)  I am sitting here with this big grin on my face and the twinkle is back in my eyes. 

You see, I am doing very well, and I don't need to wear a mantle of grief any longer to honor Doug. I have a world-class site which continues to fascinate, charm, and inspire me.  I think I am truly ready for this next big adventure, courtesy of my Grandmothers, who led me to this beautiful site, which is slowly revealing itself as my ability to see improves. (5 surgeries so far, last one next week, and I know it will be a piece of cake.(not that I am eating cake, back in training.)  My 20/15 vision is restored, one last tweak. I have two new knees and they are working well.  I am not allowed to run, but I can walk and climb, and bike, and ski.  I am coming back to life after ten years of often wanting to go be with Doug. I have found my solo balance, or at least most of it.  

Two of the Mammoths: the artist had a richness of material in this terminal moraine area of glacial till and erratics.  The quartz intrusion is the tusk, and note the stepped back. This may be petrified wood, don't know yet. Calf also has stepped back. Pleistocene site, around 13,000 years old.  Right on the edge of the Keewatin ice field. Yes, that is a petroglyph on the other boulder.  I am having entirely too much fun, as Doug would say.  Thank you all for being my Tribe all through these ten years of healing.  I am not sure I would have made it without your loving and compassionate friendship.  May your every moment be beautiful and blessed.  *<twinkles>*

[MartyT]

Very dear Fae,

 

Sending you fairy blessings sprinkled with stardust ❤️

[kayc]

Aww, Marty, PERFECT picture for Fae! 

It's always good to hear from you Fae, thank you for sharing that effigy with us!

While I wouldn't say I've been in shroud for many many years, not a day goes by I don't miss my George...I've learned to live with it.  Nothing is ever the same when they're gone, but it serves to make me fully appreciate what we had, the rarity, the specialness, all the more...even though I always knew and recognized that, alive or since.  He was a treasure in my life.  Now I look for other smaller treasures...

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty and Kay,

Thank you Marty. I do so love the fairy!  

Kay, I Hear you!  I know, so many times all I wanted was to leave here and go be with Doug, but knew that was not my decision to make.  Yes, I agree with you — now we look for smaller treasures, among friends, church, family, the beauty of the earth.  You do so much giving, supporting and helping, and I have always admired your beautiful spirit and generous heart. I am very glad you had George in your life and heart.  I am glad I had Doug in mine.  We go on, truly, but life is not quite the same, nor is it as shining and beautiful without our loved ones here to share the beauty with us. Peace to our hearts.

And Marty, I like you new hair style.  Very pretty. Thank you for this place of safety, lovingkindness and healing.  Much love, *<twinkles>*