Jump to content

Recommended Posts

A Place Between Three Trees

I began going to the woods several weeks after Chloe died. I would lay on the earth and sometimes weep and sometimes feel energy and healing being drawn into my being. I began talking to her. In one of the first conversations I said, "So WHAT, It’s just just over?! After nurturing and growing the deepest of connections, it’s just done?!”

woods2.JPG
I knew that Chloe was physically gone but I didn't believe for one minute that the connection of our spirits and hearts was done. Just because the answer for death as I knew it had always been, "she's happy and you'll get to see her again when you die." There was no way I was waiting that long! And yet, I knew that maybe it wasn't up to me. Still, I was unable and unwilling to accept the only answer that had ever been offered to me.

I asked Chloe if it was over. I heard her say immediately, "our relationship is not over, but the language will change." I knew at that point that she was right there and I could pursue my quest to find her and understand what life and death really are. I didn't know what she meant by ""the language will change." I began to study, meditate, pray and feel. Shortly after the message from Chloe, I was reading a book and it mentioned the same idea, that it was possible to continue contact but you had to learn the language of your loved one.

And so I gave myself to silence, listening, feeling and being. My senses began to grow and become fine-tuned. I was finding that I could now ask Chloe questions and receive answers. She began showing up in my life.

Going to that place in the woods was a necessary place to finding that connection. It allowed me to cry, be at total peace, communicate with Chloe and just sit in silence with her.
  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find it in nature. There is that spiritual part of nature that touches me, that allows the spiritual connection to flow. I find it in animals, I find it in trees, I find it in the sky, and in water. It is then that I feel one with nature and with the universe. It is then I find God...and George.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My son died a few weeks ago and I was never truly over the loss of my other child who died 6 years ago. I find myself continuing to come back to your posts. This is my first time writing on this site, but please know that I love what you write and how you write. Your words I find inspiring and heartfelt.

For years I prayed that my son who died 6 years ago would come to me in a dream to let me know he was alright, but after reading your words, I realized he's been around me all this time. Not in my sleep, but here with me throughout each day, each minute. To be honest, the first 2-3 years after his death, I don't remember much because anger consumed me. That is what got me through each day. It's apparent that anger is a wasted emotion and that I'm not even sure what I was so angry about. Life just didn't seem fair.

My oldest son passed a few weeks ago and I felt as though I was living a nightmare outside my own body. Everyone around me was telling my how "strong" I am, and I wanted to scream that I am not strong, I don't want to be strong, I want to scream and cry. When I was alone, I would cry, I would pray, I would ask God for guidance. Somehow, some way, God heard me. I needed to connect to my spiritual side and not focus so much on my physical side.

When I read your articles, particular this one, it gave me a sense of peace. It's so true. Although my children aren't here physically with me, I can talk to them. I understand what you mean when you talk about going to a place where you find that connection with your child. I've learned much about grieving through my dogs as silly as that may sound. When my son first passed, my dogs felt my pain. They were always around me to comfort me. My dogs didn't eat much, they stayed by my side. After the 4th day or so, my dogs got back to normal as if they were letting me know it's time to move forward.

I take the time to just get in tune with how I am feeling if I feel the sadness and dread starting to creep in. I acknowledged my pain, and then prayed and meditated. A sense of calmness and understanding that I can't be with my children in the physical sense, I can talk to them, and as you've stated "in a different language".

I thank you for your words of wisdom and am sorry for the loss of your child. We belong to a club no parent wants to be a member of. Belief of knowing there is something bigger than ourselves out there and knowing that having faith gives me an inner peace that I can not describe in words. May God bless you.

 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a little confused...is the above really a quote or did you post it yourself?  I see you only have one post but am not sure how it shows up as a quote if it's your post.

Anyway, if it's your post, I'm truly sorry.  To lose one child is horrific enough, but to lose another on top of it?  There are no words.

I hope you will continue to come here and post, it helps to know there is a place where there are those listening and surrounding you with their arms of comfort, even if virtual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

kayc, I'm not sure if you are referring to my post or the original one that lightdancer wrote. I'm not sure where the confusion lies, but I have lost both my children now, and the words written by lightdancer have given me a glimmer of hope and renewal. Her words and understanding have given me a sense of balance when it comes to finding my own inner peace and to know within me that I am able to still talk to my children when they aren't here in the physical world with me.

I am thankful there is a sight such as this where I can speak and know there is no judgment, just understanding and it is truly heartwarming to feel that I am not alone. Grief is extremely painful in many ways, but my faith gives me hope and a sense of renewal.

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DoreenHusted,

I'm referring to what you posted.  Two children is just way too much.  We have someone else on our site that lost his two BILs, his SIL, his wife, and his twin granddaughters all within a short time.  Life isn't fair, that's for sure.

Yes, this place is very understanding, you won't find judgment here!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DoreenHusted - I am so sorry for your losses. I know that what you are feeling is agonizing. Many years ago, I lost my 6 month old daughter Lauren, had a 16 week miscarriage, and then gave birth to a full term stillborn daughter named Maura all within a two year period. I begged for a C-section with Maura but they would not do it because of the risks to me. RISKS to ME? What did I care? Then my husband found another woman and asked for a divorce. I can honestly say that I was angry for 10 years. I gave up on my dreams of getting a masters degree in nursing, lost interest in everyone and everything. I finally decided that my anger was no longer doing me any good and tried to turn my life around. I have done that to the best of my ability but understand that I am a totally changed person. I am on the forum because I lost my mom/best friend 9 months ago after caring for her for 3 years. She was my main support over the death of my children until she became too ill to give any longer.  I miss her terribly this holiday season and her loss has brought back the trauma of losing my babes as well as the loss of my dad and a best friend when I was 17. The fact that I am feeling that blows me away. I am glad that you are allowing yourself to talk with your children and find it helpful. They hear you. I am glad that your spirituality is a comfort. Be good to yourself and allow all of your emotions, including any anger, to be expressed. Allow yourself to be comforted. And remember that often people say the things they do to protect themselves - they can't deal with your losses.

I have two golden retrievers and whenever I cry, they are in my face kissing and crying with me.

 As kayc said, "Two children is just way too much". Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ceili, The holidays brings such a range of emotions. I find myself having good days and as well as bad. Loss of loved ones, be it a miscarriage, or otherwise, it's a life that is lost. It's said that "time is a great healer", but one never heals from such great losses. The pain may decrease some because we learn to live with our losses. I can't even imagine not only losing your children and the having to deal with the death of other loved ones. The pain of your husband walking out in your time of need baffles me beyond words. My husband has been my rock and I honestly am not sure where I would be if he had walked out. Anger still consumes me at times, but I now keep a journal. When I feel as though I may "snap", I take a step back, I acknowledge my feelings, write them down, and get on with my day. I also realized I needed professional counseling and have sought out a professional for help.

Having faith and trusting in God helps me so much. I've learned so much from my dogs as well. They sense how I am feeling, they are there when I do break down, but they also let me know when it's time to move forward.

I pray you have a holiday season where you're able to find joy, peace, and comfort. I'm thankful for this site, it allows those of us who suffer pain that no person knows unless they experience it themselves. My God be with you and you will be in my prayers.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks DoreenHusted. I pray that you (and everyone) find peace this New Year. I am finding this time after Christmas to be harder than before Christmas. Last year at this time I was working so hard caring for my mom. I feel lost. My husband has been drinking more again and I resent him for that. We had a long talk last night about past angers that we never expressed. I never understood the depth of his feelings from his bad childhood. A very good friend from al-anon is going to pick me up for meetings so I can't talk myself out of going. I am very good at that. It really helped me in so many areas of my life when I used to go.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ceili, Good for you!  You may not be able to affect change in your husband, that is up to him, but you can start with doing what you can for YOU and this seems like a logical first step!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ceili, I agree with kayc. We only are in control of our own actions and not of any others. It's a difficult situation you're in. We all want answers to whatever question it is we have about our own self or our loved ones, but for me, that is where God comes into play. My faith and trust is in God and I have to believe that he and only he knows what's in store for us throughout our life. Be it good times, trying times, and those times we wish we could go back and change things. I allowed my own grief to make me into someone that I didn't care for. I ended up in the hospital with a perforated ulcer and I no longer had any zest for life. Medications were given to me to make my body feel better, but I had to find that same drive that I thought I always had with God to make my spirit strong. I know my children are watching over me from Heaven and if not for them and God, I would have been swallowed up by pity and grief. I take each day as it comes and for now, I don't look for a future other than tomorrow. I pray because I am thankful for having such a supportive and loving husband who has stood by me through thick and thin. I feel awful that I come off as though I'm strong and faithful, but I find myself often quite weak and vulnerable. It is at those times, I repent and I thank God for giving me today. Perhaps today I can make a positive difference in myself or even if I can make just one person smile, then that makes me a winner of sorts. I guess it comes down to the fact that even when we think we may have "it together", we may not, but if we continue to move forward in a positive direction, we can and will impact others in a good way. I am very thankful for this site. We all experience pain and grief, but through reading others stories, has given me strength through times I wasn't sure I had any. I pray that 2016 will bring positive changes to all of us who are seeking growth and renewal. May God bless you all.

 

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My son was killed in a motorcycle accident 9 weeks ago. It was just 5 weeks shy of his 22 birthday. I don't know if my grief is so fresh or if I just don't listen. I have prayed for answers and to just know he is okay!  I am still just trying hour by hour to cope with his loss! I have to get through each day for my teenage daughter.  I don't sleep and cry all the time. If I could just feel him but I don't know what I am missing. I truly thought i heard his voice one day but then thought i imagined it. I would love to have conversations with him even if they had changed. I started grief counseling but all they are doing is having me talk about my feelings and I come home thinking I'm insane. He was such a good kid. Our whole community has honored him several times with candlelight vigils and at sporting events he is remembered. He played football, basketball and baseball. The police think he just somehow lost control of the motorcycle. No drugs or alcohol were involved. He was also not driving with excessive speed. He lived at home with us and worked and went to college. He had a promising life ahead. I would just like to know he is okay!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bree,

It is my belief that we are energy and energy doesn't die, it lives on.  Although things change when we pass on, from everything I've ever heard from NDE, coupled with my own NDE, it is peaceful and alluring, he should definitely be more than okay!  It is us left here grieving and trying to cope with all of the changes that loss has meant to our lives that are struggling.  I can assure you, you are not insane, pretty much anything/everything we feel in grief is "normal" under the circumstances.

If you don't feel your counselor is helping you, you might want to try a different one, all counselors are not a one-size-fits-all.  They vary greatly.  One of the things I like about this site is that it is run by someone who is a grief counselor and knows her work well.  I have been on sites that are lacking that and it shows the difference.

It can take a long time to process your grief, to let it sink in, to realize it, it all seems so surreal in the beginning and shock and grief fog is common.  This is not a quick or easy journey, as you're discovering, it takes what it takes, and I hope you allot yourself plenty of understanding and patience.  (((hugs)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×