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Tired Of Being Strong


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1 hour ago, kevin said:

managed to pull  something in my back

:o Oh no!  I hope it doesn't take long healing...I fell 1 1/2 weeks ago but am improving bit by bit, so far it's my knee still giving me fits but I can put a little pressure on it now so that's a good sign.  I hope you have heating pad and ice pack to take turns with on it!

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Heartland is location  filmed near Longview and Nanton....studio is in Calgary......(Alberta)....I used to watch that show all the time....Its still filming new episodes.....Another western was Longmire, but that is discontinued.......

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

I must have been a bad person "before" and I am worse person now. 

 

My only single friend is dating. She told me by chat. I typed an average reply and started to cry. I was not happy for her, I felt worse for not being even glad about. I am still crying. 

I felt I have finally been left alone in the "I am alone too" cloud. 

It was hard for me to date, build a relationship....somehow I was waiting for someone else...,and I met Him, I felt safe in my relationship, belonging to a certain club (how stupid is that! But I was young), and quite happy in knowing how much sincere love we had for each other. We  were ment for each other. I know you understand. I have found my royal prince, my true love. I felt blessed. I felt safe. I felt beyond...I could not believe I have that men by my side, he surely existed and we were together!

But it is in the past. No more present. No more future. 

I don't understand the lessons to learn through grief. I don't accept my grief. Why it is me who has to be strong, compassionate, accepting, looking for meaning? 

This cannot be of any good. It has been 3 years of tears and unhappiness.

I am crazy, I am a horrible person, I will never achieve a higher state of understanding and peace. Surely this will kill me later. How can I live with grief?

I don't want to date. I don't want to love again cause I love and want my boyfriend!!!! God, send him back. You don't need him with you. 

In the early days, I read books about Holocaust survivors, looking for clues from those who were in real hell. In Frankl's memoir, he tells the story of a young girl, she tells him that she had been a snob pretentious girl before, and she is now being taught a lesson by being in the camp. I couldn't understand why she thought that way. But then I read that God must know what is the best for his creatures.

Is grief and loss my best? All I wanted to do was to save my boyfriend and keep him alive.

Why do I feel we have been punished? I know feelings are not facts

Will I ever feel glad from my friends good news?

I am sorry for writing this whole thing, I am having a pity party here. 

Tomorrow I am starting therapy with a new counselor. 

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SCBA, you're neither bad nor worse. Grief is the life of each of us here. Truth is, OUR feelings ARE facts. Hard, cold facts for each of us. Just know that we all share your pain. Please try to be good to yourself. Good luck with the new counselor.

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Ana I don't believe that you are bad, worse, or crazy.  

For what it is worth, which may be zip, I know you are grieving and that during grief nothing is as it was.  What we might have thought was normal before is changed because the view through grief is different; like eye glasses that have the wrong prescription.  I see and feel things differently since becoming a widow.  When I say I'm having a good day what I mean now is that I got through the day with no melt downs and that I saw or remembered something that made me feel like smiling.  Before when I said I had a good day I often meant that my heart was filled with the love of a great man and that I was very lucky to be with him. My definition of words didn't really change but the connotation of the words did. I felt guilty if I thought I might be feeling ok.  I felt like I was betraying my husband if I felt anything other than wanting to curl up and die.  None of us chose to be living without our partners but here we are.  I'm trying hard to honour my husband and to make a better life for my son and myself because we deserve to have a better life than this one that is hellish.  But like I said these are my thoughts that really only have value to me.

I hope that you will find some comfort in knowing that there are so many of us who care and are wishing you the best.

 

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Lessons learned tend not to be recognized until later, looking back.  Right now you are in the throes of grief, it's hard to see anything but your pain.  Feelings don't carry right or wrong, they just are and they are ours.

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scba I'm there. Both of my bereaved men friends have started dating. I do NOT judge them but my emotional state is such that I'm less comfortable around them. I can't be with a couple, no matter how nice, if the wife is named Susan. I look at couples who look like they've been together a long time and think "how did you both live?" And on the other hand, I hate living alone. No idea how this can resolve into a good life. Only way for now is one day at a time.

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Dear all, thank you so much for your kind messages. I feel less alone and more understood when I come here, although lately I haven't been active in writing as much as before. I'm going through so much having gone back to therapy. It's hard, it's been too long without talking about, dealing my grief by keeping it hidden and sut up. My thoughts are a mess and I cry a lot during the sessions cause it hurts, cause the guilt is still there, cause I want my past to come back to heal this wound, and etc. 

Today I mentioned the reasons why I would like to visit the city my boyfriend and I lived for 5 years, and I didn't mention HIM the reasons (like "visit the cementery, visit our old house). I used "MY MY MY" and no "OURS". When I took notice of that, I started to cry so much, as if I have been in denial and ignoring our life together. I told my therapyst that I have no one to talk about and when I do, I try to look as if I'm "moving on".

It is so hard cause I don't know what is going on, no matter how many articles and posts I read. I don't know what my brain is doing, what it means. Am I forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying? 

What the hell is all of this? If I'm not crazy, I wonder what crazy must be if this is actually not crazyness. 

My book of reference says that in grief, you should get used to land mines spread here and there. 

 

 

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Quote

I told my therapyst that I have no one to talk about and when I do, I try to look as if I'm "moving on".

It is so hard cause I don't know what is going on, no matter how many articles and posts I read. I don't know what my brain is doing, what it means. Am I forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying?  What the hell is all of this? If I'm not crazy, I wonder what crazy must be if this is actually not crazyness. My book of reference says that in grief, you should get used to land mines spread here and there.

Ana, first of all, you don't need try to look as if you're moving on when you talk to people. There is no "moving on", only learning to adjust. Be yourself. If people can't accept the "new you", (pardon my language) screw them. You are living in a world of pain and others need to have some understanding.

As far as getting used to the land mines of grief...

They hit when they hit and I think they do become less and less shocking to an extent. But they will always be there, ready to explode when you least expect it. And they still have the power to set you back on your journey.

Finally, you say you "don't know what's going on" and you're wondering if you're "forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying"...

The truth is probably all of the above. Grief is so emotionally charged and so overwhelming that all of us have felt exactly the same way. We've gone from a life that we loved, with the person we loved, expecting a long a wonderful future to a life of nothingness. At times it feels like we have nothing but a past and no future. At least not a future we look forward to with any sense of happiness.

I'm glad you made the move to go back to your therapist. There's no shame in that. You're trying to find some more understanding and trying to live a life with less pain. I hope you also post here more if you can. I enjoy reading your posts and I know we all will help you in any way we can.

Hugs,

Mitch

 

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Mostly the Ptown vacation has been as good as I could have hoped, lots tears but no psychotic break & some good moments despite a long list of "first time without Susan". However being solo around couples who only knew us as T&S is disorienting & horrible. Talking abt our past activities is horrible. I can't mention something she did or said without crying. Using past tense is horrible. Seeing my friends do couples things is horrible. We're doing ordinary things like having lunch & chatting & tears are running down my face. They don't seem to notice! Maybe don't know what to say so say nothing. Do I belong to this group now or am I an outsider? Susan & one sister who lives around here wd have been planning things from the moment we arrived. Now I've been here since Sat & neither that sister nor her husband, who I thought was a friend, have contacted me, not even a " how ya doin". Yes I cd reach out to them but....things are very different. 

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10 hours ago, scba said:

Today I mentioned the reasons why I would like to visit the city my boyfriend and I lived for 5 years, and I didn't mention HIM the reasons (like "visit the cementery, visit our old house). I used "MY MY MY" and no "OURS". When I took notice of that, I started to cry so much, as if I have been in denial and ignoring our life together. I told my therapyst that I have no one to talk about and when I do, I try to look as if I'm "moving on".

Ana, I don't see you as "moving on" so much as reality setting in.  Little by little we get used to it being a "me" and no longer an "us".  Sad, but to be expected.  You might be acting as if you're moving on because you don't want to hear the feedback we get from others that just don't get it.

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5 hours ago, TomPB said:

Mostly the Ptown vacation has been as good as I could have hoped, lots tears but no psychotic break & some good moments despite a long list of "first time without Susan". However being solo around couples who only knew us as T&S is disorienting & horrible. Talking abt our past activities is horrible. I can't mention something she did or said without crying. Using past tense is horrible. Seeing my friends do couples things is horrible. We're doing ordinary things like having lunch & chatting & tears are running down my face. They don't seem to notice! Maybe don't know what to say so say nothing. Do I belong to this group now or am I an outsider? Susan & one sister who lives around here wd have been planning things from the moment we arrived. Now I've been here since Sat & neither that sister nor her husband, who I thought was a friend, have contacted me, not even a " how ya doin". Yes I cd reach out to them but....things are very different. 

Tom,

I'm so sorry.  I hope they start thinking of you and give you some consideration.  You're not alone in going through this. :(

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You know, this is where Billy and I began.  He is not here though.  I know he is not where he left me either.  But, my sister is here and as much younger than me as she is, she is my best friend now.  I never expected that to happen.  Of course Billy was my best friend and always will be, but it is nice to discover I have a champion in my little sister also.  And, I think she said she only had four cigarettes in four days.  I know it is hard for her,   We never were close.  It's nice to discover a friend and the best thing is she is your sister.

I still have to help my granddaughter make a start at life and in the meantime make her think it is all her idea anyhow.  

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More rambling.....

I tell people that I remember little about when he died and what happenend in the following months.

But it is not true....I remember EVERY-THING. 

I remember to be told to stay strong.

I remember to be told to be strong.

I remember to be told that it was time to go back to live

I remember to be told that life goes on.

I became strong.

I went back to live.

Life went on.

I did the things that needed to be done:

Be strong. Find a job. Find an appt. Move out. Go to work. Go to yoga. Talk to people. Go to therapy. 

I did all the things I`ve been told to do to feel better.

In the core of my being, I don't feel better. 

Those things are important. Yes. I know. 

These keep me alive, above the water, in the surface. They help. But they don't solve. 

They don't fill my existence. 

Life and existence are not the same thing.

I've reasons to be alive.

But my boyfriend was the reason that filled my existence. 

Our love, relationship, life together, all of that, and more from that, filled my existence.

What does now? Feels like Nothing does. 

So life went on....but existence...I think it didn't.

 

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Ana, all you wrote is true, for me for sure, and probably for all of us.  How can I be strong?  I am ancient.  I have no strength.  I have no Billy.  Yet, I have to show strength.  How can I do that?  My hands shake, my voice shakes, and I am terrified.  I can pray for strength, but I am not even sure I am heard anymore.  I cannot take over my limit of Xanax, if I take too many they quit working.  I really think I need a counselor myself and am unsure how to go about it, but what I am really wanting is Billy.  I cannot have that.  

Sometimes I give out too much information.  Most times.  I'm sorry.  I've gotta be strong.

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Ana,

Why do you tell people you don't remember?  Is it because you don't want to talk about it?  Is it because you don't want them to know you're in the place you are?  Of course we remember, we might like to forget, but we can't.  Anything of significance like this is indelibly etched in our brains.

You have done everything you know to do but the one thing you'd like to fix, you can't.  Same as all of us here.  But I hope you realize you have made progress, look at what you have done in the face of adversity!  You are a survivor.  Of course nothing is the same as it was before, that's true for all of us.  I hope life gets better for all of us, I guess that remains to be seen.  I think sometimes our progress is in such small increments as to seem imperceptible, but it's progress nonetheless.  I've learned not to discount it, I'll take all I can get.  

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On 22/6/2017 at 0:16 PM, TomPB said:

scba I'm there. Both of my bereaved men friends have started dating. I do NOT judge them but my emotional state is such that I'm less comfortable around them. I can't be with a couple, no matter how nice, if the wife is named Susan. I look at couples who look like they've been together a long time and think "how did you both live?" And on the other hand, I hate living alone. No idea how this can resolve into a good life. Only way for now is one day at a time.

hello Tom, I understand. This sense of lack of confort will evolve, sad is you will get used to be around them, with mixed emotions. My experience has been that this "get used to" feels in my insie more like an emotional wall I have build to be around them without breaking in tears. It is painful to witness them. No need to add more....It takes time.

Peace

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On 22/6/2017 at 2:49 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

When I say I'm having a good day what I mean now is that I got through the day with no melt downs and that I saw or remembered something that made me feel like smiling.  Before when I said I had a good day I often meant that my heart was filled with the love of a great man and that I was very lucky to be with him. My definition of words didn't really change but the connotation of the words did.

Marita,  yesterday I've talked about this issue with my counselor. How the reply to "how are you" has a very different meaning now. 

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On 29/6/2017 at 1:32 PM, mittam99 said:

 

I'm glad you made the move to go back to your therapist. There's no shame in that. You're trying to find some more understanding and trying to live a life with less pain. I hope you also post here more if you can. I enjoy reading your posts and I know we all will help you in any way we can.

 

Thank you Mitch. I'm glad too, though it's hard to tell what happened and relieve it. 

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