Tired Of Being Strong

[scba]

Last night I dreamed with my boyfriend. I can't remember the dream very well, I don't remember what we were doing, we were looking after a task. What I remember is how I felt, I felt what I felt when I was with him, what there is or has been in my heart, it came back in my dream. My smile was the one that existed when he was here. My heart was complete again, for seconds, for minutes, it was what it has been, once more. I don't know how to explain this experience. I know all of that is attached to Him, is part of us, and exists only if we still do. Now, it belongs to occasional dreams.

It reminds me of a chapter from Viktor Frankl's book:

"That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind.....I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire......I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment".

[Cookie]

SCBA:  I also had a dream last night of my dear husband.  I rarely dream about him, almost never, but last night he was there.  There was a lot of hugging and loving encouragement from him like he would do in life.  God, I would love to believe it was really him.  It felt wonderful anyway.  I recently had an event where I was weed-eating my upper pasture and hit a ground hornet's nest.  I got about 15 stings and ended up having to go to the ER.  First time in my life.  I've worked outside for years and gotten stung many times with no problems, but this time was different.  Now I'm being told I'm highly allergic to this bee and have to carry an EpiPen.  It's been very shocking and overwhelming for me as I do all the work now on this property and don't dare do it now.  So, I've been quite anxious and worried about how to manage this.  Was missing him so much.  He would be so grounding and comforting; maybe that is why I had that dream.  I needed it so much.  I loved the excerpt from Viktor Frankl's book...thanks.  Cookie

[Margm]

I had to go back to Hot Springs today, and just made a day of it.  Back home now.  Why do I have such a sad, negative reaction to a place that was so beautiful, and we were so happy.  It just plain hurts.  I cannot feel the beauty anymore.  Probably why I left as fast as I could.  I am not happy, but I am not as haunted here in this apartment with the boxes still unpacked, and I have no plans to unpack them.

[kayc]

On 8/17/2017 at 7:47 AM, scba said:

"That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind.....I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire......I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment".

I like this quote, I can relate to it.

Cookie, I do understand, the wasp sting I got 1 1/2 weeks ago was so bad...if I were closer to medical help I would have sought it, but instead chose to treat it myself...this is the first indication I had of being allergic to them and between that and my injuries from my fall 2 1/2 months ago, I am much more limited in what I can tackle around here.  It does leave us feeling vulnerable and in need of their help, which of course isn't there anymore.

[Cookie]

On 8/17/2017 at 9:22 PM, Marg M said:

I had to go back to Hot Springs today, and just made a day of it.  Back home now.  Why do I have such a sad, negative reaction to a place that was so beautiful, and we were so happy.  It just plain hurts.  I cannot feel the beauty anymore.  Probably why I left as fast as I could.  I am not happy, but I am not as haunted here in this apartment with the boxes still unpacked, and I have no plans to unpack them.

Marg:  I've wondered about that myself.  Would moving out of the house we shared help in any way or make things worse.  It seems like it's worked for you.  I will be facing that in a few years and am a little anxious about it....Cookie

[Cookie]

On 8/18/2017 at 11:08 AM, kayc said:

I like this quote, I can relate to it.

Cookie, I do understand, the wasp sting I got 1 1/2 weeks ago was so bad...if I were closer to medical help I would have sought it, but instead chose to treat it myself...this is the first indication I had of being allergic to them and between that and my injuries from my fall 2 1/2 months ago, I am much more limited in what I can tackle around here.  It does leave us feeling vulnerable and in need of their help, which of course isn't there anymore.

Yes, it's scary.  I'm going to an allergist next week as they have immune shots.  I just don't feel like I can live like this....

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

Marg:  I've wondered about that myself.  Would moving out of the house we shared help in any way or make things worse.  It seems like it's worked for you.  I will be facing that in a few years and am a little anxious about it....Cookie

Cookie, don't ever follow my lead.  It still works for me, but I am certifiable. 

[Cookie]

Marg:  You sound pretty sane to me.....

[scba]

Today is 3 years marks since the last time I heard his voice. 
I don't remember what he told me, he was too weak to breathe well 
he was wearing an oxygen mask and I did not
realise those would be our last words. Words I don't remember.

He fall asleep with strength and faith, doctors told me. He was all smiles. Because HIS surgery day has arrived...
but with death as company.

I did not see it coming.
I was anxious about him to finally wake up, my mind was focused on next steps, as he instructed me before going to hospital.
It was my task to be in charge while he has sleeping. He would wake up soon.
He never did.
I received THE call, I rush to hospital, and I met death.
I sensed death. I will never forget that either. Death was in that room.

3 years later, I understood that I am alive, but "me then" is gone too. The "me" then is gone to follow him. It could not have been different. We belonged together and they are together now, and this "me now" will be reunited with them one day, in a way God only knows. People told me so many times that I was still alive. It is true, but that portion of soul-life-existence that was part of something greater than my own self, what is called true love, that "being" left this world to follow him.

3 years later.....in a different city, in a different country, in a life that has nothing to do with the one before, and I cannot recall what I did yesterday, which was supposed to be a happy aniversary. Instead, I felt that emptiness, the defeat, the nothingness and lack of meaning.  It did not hurt as a sharp sword, they became familiar. It was just another invisible day.

Peace
 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, scba said:

.in a different city, in a different country, in a life that has nothing to do with the one before

I think that says it for all of us although to some clinging to where he/she was last is the balm that works for them.  Some of us move away from the place that we felt so alone.  Different paths, the one size does not fit all.  

Ana, you show we cannot get too far away.  It is like sometimes trying to get away from ourselves, you turn around and there you are.  We do what we can.  Memory we lose, memory is a hammer that hits us in the head sometimes at the most inopportune time.  

[Eagle-96]

3 hours ago, scba said:

3 years later, I understood that I am alive, but "me then" is gone too. The "me" then is gone to follow him. It could not have been different. We belonged together and they are together now, and this "me now" will be reunited with them one day, in a way God only knows. People told me so many times that I was still alive. It is true, but that portion of soul-life-existence that was part of something greater than my own self, what is called true love, that "being" left this world to follow him.

Alive? Here maybe, but not really alive. Not living like we used to be anyway. It's kind of like hearing the roll being called in school. We hear our name and answer "present". Being here or being present is the best we can hope for most days. 

[Cookie]

On ‎09‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 6:53 AM, scba said:

Today is 3 years marks since the last time I heard his voice. 
I don't remember what he told me, he was too weak to breathe well 
he was wearing an oxygen mask and I did not
realise those would be our last words. Words I don't remember.

He fall asleep with strength and faith, doctors told me. He was all smiles. Because HIS surgery day has arrived...
but with death as company.

I did not see it coming.
I was anxious about him to finally wake up, my mind was focused on next steps, as he instructed me before going to hospital.
It was my task to be in charge while he has sleeping. He would wake up soon.
He never did.
I received THE call, I rush to hospital, and I met death.
I sensed death. I will never forget that either. Death was in that room.

3 years later, I understood that I am alive, but "me then" is gone too. The "me" then is gone to follow him. It could not have been different. We belonged together and they are together now, and this "me now" will be reunited with them one day, in a way God only knows. People told me so many times that I was still alive. It is true, but that portion of soul-life-existence that was part of something greater than my own self, what is called true love, that "being" left this world to follow him.

3 years later.....in a different city, in a different country, in a life that has nothing to do with the one before, and I cannot recall what I did yesterday, which was supposed to be a happy aniversary. Instead, I felt that emptiness, the defeat, the nothingness and lack of meaning.  It did not hurt as a sharp sword, they became familiar. It was just another invisible day.

Peace
 

scba:  Loved the way you expressed that the other you is gone to follow him.  I relate to that.  I am here; yes, I am alive in body, but my heart and soul feel something missing and feels lacking still after 2 years.  Don't think the number of years is going to matter like I used to.  I definitely feel like we were so enmeshed; how could you un-enmesh.....this is a weird place we all seem to inhabit.  I know I want a contentedness again, but am lost as to how to find it; hoping it will find me like it did when I found him; just happened; such magic from start to finish.....peace to you also

[kayc]

I agree, Ana expressed it so well  I am alive but the "me then" is gone...or is it?  I remember it.  This morning I remembered how he used to pull me to him and for just a moment, I was with him...

[scba]

Earlier in my journey, someone told me: “you will get used to” (without specifying to what). Later on, someone else told me: “they are gone, they don’t exist anymore” (without clarifying who or what “they” were).

I think that, perhaps, they were talking about the dreams that died, that were gone, that vanished and don’t exist anymore.

One of the dreams that died was to become the mother of his children. I have just seen a friend`s family picture on her Facebook. She was kissing her daughter; her husband was in the picture too. Behind them, the park where my boyfriend and me passed by every day.

I started to cry. Because I knew that we will never take that picture. It will never be reality. This dream too is dead. With so many more.

Thanks for reading.

Ana

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Ana . . . ♥

[Margm]

 

1 hour ago, scba said:

I started to cry. Because I knew that we will never take that picture. It will never be reality. This dream too is dead. With so many more.

Ana, it is only lately that I have noticed that I have become thankful for the memories and life I had.  I am now realizing how lucky I was, but I am selfish enough to say that 54 years were not long enough.  We covered every aspect a marriage could cover and finally "till death do us part" was the final act.  I am sorry.  We married at a time long ago, many years ago.  I spent the night at his house to go get the marriage license and slept with his sister.  I asked could I sleep with him and he said he did not think his folks would allow it.  That was the beginning of the 1960's, actually 1961.  Scott was born one week before our first anniversary.  Billy had told me that the mumps had not "set well" with him and he could have no children.  He might not could have, but I sure could.  We were such kids.  After I found out where those rascals came from, we did not have another until five years later.  My neighbor told me about the "rhythm method."  That sounded pretty cool.  Kelli was born 9 months later on the day she was expected.  Do I dare tell you that the woman that gave me this advice had six kids?  

So, in my missing him, I do realize I am so thankful we had all that time together and I wish you could have had that time also.  I guess people were more intelligent than Billy and I was.  We had no  idea what we were getting into, but we hung on for dear life......till the end.  (And it was not always blue skies and sunshine.)  I sure miss that tall skinny man though.  

And, in saying all of this, I am not bragging.  I am just saying that only now do I consider myself lucky.  I wish everyone could have been as lucky and foolish as the two of us were for many years.  But even feeling that fortunate, I still envy those that "go together."  I envy those that make it to 70 years, or 60 years.  And, I wish others could have had more time also.  And possibly now I should shut-up.;  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Ana I understand the feeling of the lost dreams.  It is probably one of the most difficult parts of my journey.  

I don't think your dreams or mine were so unrealistic.  All we wanted was what other people have.  If either of us was to meet someone new and fall in love those dreams we had of life with our partner is still unattainable.  I'm sorry for your loss of your partner and your dream.  Unfortunately, for each of the best moments of our lives it seems now we are forced to survive at least an equal number of truly horrid times.  Hugs to you ❤️

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, scba said:

..... I started to cry. Because I knew that we will never take that picture. It will never be reality. This dream too is dead. With so many more.

Thanks for reading.

Ana

I understand...  My beloved wife and I met when we were both almost 33years old.  My  dream of living "happily ever after" into the sunset years of life with her were dashed to pieces on the hard rocks of life the day she died.  There was no planning, thought, or preparation  for this after life.  The reality of this still sucks and I can't change it.

I had a dream two nights ago... only the second dream I can remember since she passed. I dreamed that I was anxiously rushing to pick up my sweetheart from the airport.  I hadn't seen her in awhile and I was so happy to see her. She was flying in on NATIONWIDE Airlines.  I saw her glowing face and those beautiful eyes happy to see me... Then I woke up and realized there was no NATIONWIDE Airlines. 

Puzzling dream.. I still miss her deep in my soul. - Shalom 

[kayc]

Ana,

The dreams and hopes of what was to come is very much a huge part of what we lost, and that is tough.  George and I met later in life, the only man who ever truly loved me.  We already had kids, so we didn't lose that dream, but we looked forward to growing old together and that is gone, now I am growing old alone.

Trying to reshift after losing our dreams is very hard, especially when you are hit in the face every day with other people's dreams still intact.  It's so unfair.  You and I didn't do anything to cause this, we didn't deserve it, it just is.  I don't know why.

[scba]

19 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I saw her glowing face and those beautiful eyes happy to see me...

I understand....when I see my boyfriend in my dreams, I feel as "before", I feel that feeling in my heart again, my eyes glowing too and both happy to see each other.

When I wake up, those feelings are over. They don't exist when my eyes are opened.

It's been long since the last time I had such dream.

George, our hearts remember.

Shalom

[scba]

Thank you all for your words and your understanding.

Peace

 

[scba]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It's so unfair.  You and I didn't do anything to cause this, we didn't deserve it, it just is.  I don't know why.

Yes Kay, it is so unfair and we all deserved so much better. There are no reasons why....

 

[scba]

21 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Unfortunately, for each of the best moments of our lives it seems now we are forced to survive at least an equal number of truly horrid times.  Hugs to you ❤️

I don't dare to tell someone, who hasn't gone through loosing a partner to death, of what I've experienced and felt. 

21 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

If either of us was to meet someone new and fall in love those dreams we had of life with our partner is still unattainable.  

The thing is, I doubt I will ever love that way and I doubt I would do what I did in my relationship again. I doubt I could have again, even a small amount, of what I had. I cannot even put down in words what it ment. 

I gave everything, I did not "save" myself. I went down in that ship.

I don't think I could do that again. I know what may happen "next".

I admire those who try again. But I'm too full of fear. That's my reality. 

So.....I doubt. 

Hugs to you too. 

[Gwenivere]

I know 'my ship has sailed' without me when I lost Steve.  I don't even think about another because i now there won't be one.  People try and tell me it's possible, but some things you know deep in your core.  That knowledge doesn't upset me, it is the knowledge it is true that I did lose the only person for me.  Trying to continue on without them.  I may meet 'companions' (doubtful on that too), but never anyone that will fill that place Steve had for almost 40 years.  He is the one.  Thoughts of loving another I cannot even fathom because I still am in love.  It has deepened to as I am now exposed to the world outside us and been approached.  If this sounds bitter about hope for a new love it is.  I gave mine to someone already, they still have it and always will.  I've talked to several widow(er)s at the nursing home and I know I am not alone.  Some found others, my own mother did.  I don't know if it was the length of time or the bond that was different.  Doesn't matter.  We each know our own fate in this I feel.  My wish is the do gooders would accept this and stop even suggesting it as I would never do that to another griever.  It feels invalidating.

[scba]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

People try and tell me it's possible, but some things you know deep in your core.  That knowledge doesn't upset me, it is the knowledge it is true that I. Did lose the only person for me.  Trying to continue on without them.  I may meet 'cimpanions' (doubtful on that too), but never anyone that will fill that place Steve had for almost 40 years.  He is the one.  Thoughts of loving mother I cannot even fathom because I still am in love.  It has deepened to as I am now exposed to the world outside us and been approached. 

I echo these, dear Gwen. I understand and feel the same.