Tired Of Being Strong

[Widowedbysuicide]

My heart hurts for you Ana.  I can feel the pain in your words.  If I could find a way to help you I surely would.  

i have a difficult time with New Year's Eve as well.  My husband proposed to me Dec 31, 1979 and it was a huge surprise.  I was 22 then and now I'm 61. Much has changed since Jan 5th 2016.  

I will be thinking of you on New Year's Eve and hoping for the beginning of healing in your heart.

 

[scba]

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I appreciate each of them.

This is a tough week for everybody so I wish peace to all of you.

Ana

[Elly57]

I’ve not contributed for quite some time. Years in fact. You were all here to help me through a very difficult time.....I had problems with my step children that wanted to sell the house I was living in. They insisted on seeing the will and abusive phone call from them. I was hurting just as much as them along with a lot of other people around us but it seemed I was the one that had to hold it all together and be strong for everyone and hide I was hurting and no idea how to deal with all the crap that was coming my way. You were all soooooo supportive and helpful. I’m not out of the woods. It’s now four years on. I’ve not seen my step children in the time. I lost my husbands family connection in the process. But ...But....I’m getting by. I gave myself permission to just ‘BE’ for as long as it takes. I make no apologies to any one any longer. If I don’t feel like an event or party I don’t go. My true friends understand. Yes, I lost a lot of friends too. They didn't know how to deal with this loss. Some stayed. I’ve made some amazingly supportive new friends that have lifted me up. However, the loneliness is still there. The lack of physical human closeness, hugs and sharing are so hard to be without. I’m due to retire in the next few weeks. I gave my two year notice as it takes a while to train a new person and I really needed to work to get myself out of the house and interact with others. Now I’m starting a new phase of my life without my partner.....It should have been ‘US’ together and enjoying our hard earned time together. I have to BE strong again. It’s just sucks...I do have another story I’d like to share. I bitter sweet story. I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts. I couldn’t bear to throw them or donate them. Other items I could. But his shirts, no. Over three years ago I unpicked my mothers house coat and husbands shirts at the seams.....and it just sat....I felt horrible at what I’d done and there it just sat for three years. This year I wanted to tackle projects and get them finished before I retired. So I worked diligently to construct the fabric into Memory Bears. My mums ones wore most of her pins, necklaces and earrings that my dad have given her on wedding anniversaries. And my husbands ones wore ties with  his Cami ( place he worked) pins for excellent attendance, along with his embroidered  name from his t shirt on the foot so when they sit you can see his name. They all had red hearts ♥️ in the apropriate place and a lable on the underside at the back with ‘made with Love for you’ I gave one each of the bears to my kids on Christmas Day......I earned my stripes as a parent......I made my grown kids cry like babies. Not a dry eye in the house. He wasn’t their natural dad but was in all intents and purposes. I keep trying each and every day to be a great mother and leave such precious memories for them. I was strong all day and then they left and I went for a walk in the dark so I didn’t have to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and I had my thoughts to myself. Today is a ‘ME’ day. I’ve earned it. 

 

I know this story was long but I need to share this with you all. I wish you all....Love, Hugs and most of all Peace. I love you all. Thank you for allowing me to share this. ♥️ 

[MartyT]

A beautiful and heartwarming post, Elly57 ~ thank you for sharing, and we wish you love, hugs and peace as well ♥️

[kayc]

@Elly57  I remember you and your story.  The bears are beautifully done, what a great job!  I'm glad you have your girls, beautiful family!  Thank you for coming here and updating us!  Congratulations on your retirement!  I retired five years ago and haven't regretted it once.  I keep busy, have a schedule, am involved in volunteering at the senior site, my church (treasury & praise team), and lead a grief support group.  You will find what works best for you.  I'm glad to hear you've made new friends too, so have I and that is such a blessing!

[widow'15]

On 12/26/2018 at 8:08 AM, Elly57 said:

I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts.

 

Elly57:  What a wonderful idea to re-purpose your Mom's and husband's special clothing into Memory Bears, such beautiful treasures.  Your story makes me feel I should complete so many projects sitting untouched for so long.  I don't have any excuses as I have long been retired but seem to make excuses why should I care.  I know I should care if not just for myself to feel like I have some worth.  Thank you for your inspiring story and for sharing your picture of your lovely daughters and their  beautiful treasures.   You are a special lady who will surely enjoy a wonderful retirement.  Dee

[Elly57]

Ohhhhhh Kayc. THANK YOU for remembering me, I was in a very dark place for a long while....as I say I'm not out of the woods but daylight is peaking through the trees. You made me smile from ear to ear that you remembered me. I suppose I wanted to tell you all, as much and I wanted to skip the grieving process and the dark nights and tough times, I just couldn't. I had the 'mother' of bad days in February 2016.....I had no idea my heat exchanger had broken in the furnace....Just one more thing I had to deal with. After a week (we had a warm snap) I'd had my window open for the week to sleep. I called a company I knew the owner of in to look at the furnace.... it wasn't getting warm in the house. She sent out a young kid that look all of 12 years old....I guess I'm getting old.  This 'wiper snapper' fired that sucker up and the house start to get warm....Yippee....I was so pleased after I had been dragging my self esteem and self worth around the floor for months, crying at every opportunity...I almost hugged him. Only to be told that he'd have to turn it off. He legally had to because of CO2 gas....He asked me if I had a detector in the house I said yes but I'd had the windows open. He told me I should have died...….OH that was all I needed to hear....I couldn't control my words at this point. …"Well F*%k me! You'll turn the heating off and let me die of hyperthermia but you can't let me die warm in my bed".... I'd have given anything for it to have taken me. I'd never do anything to myself but it was such a gift to take away my pain..... I apologized to the 12 year old by the way lol. Within three weeks I was taking off on a whirl wind, short notice trip to Dhabi and India with the doctor that looked after my husband for a short while. She and I had connected. She had family in India and wondered if I wanted to go with her. I said sure what else is there to do. She booked it with out telling me and we took off a week later. I saw some sights and situations I never want to see again. I was almost mugged one day as we were not on a tourist route. I was the only white person. We went to an NGO school that had disadvantaged kids of all ages and disabilities with clothes on which was 3 and 4 years too small for them. I could go on. It was an eye opener to put it mildly. I did things I'd never have the opportunity to ever do again. I came home from that trip a changed person. I was spiraling down, before that. It was a head turner....I'm not religious in anyway. She was and still is my angel. She's amazing. Oh I still have days I fall to the floor and just cry. But I know the other side of the coin too and feel very privileged and grateful......Things happen for a reason. I've stopped asking the 'why him' question. It'll never make sense to me. I lost the love of my life. As all of us here have. The key is finding a reason to live again. I don't have the answer but I do say yes to things much more often now. I want to live. …….I also want to apologize for my language in this piece but it was how it happened. Thank you again Kayc for remembering me.        

[MartyT]

I think you will find that once you become a member of our tribe here, Elly57, you are always, always welcome to return ~ and I promise that we will remember you ♥️

Your story about your trip to India is heartwarming, and I thank you for sharing it with all of us. Until and unless we have a chance to see (up close and personally) how the rest of the world is living, we really don't appreciate how fortunate we are to have been born in this amazing country of ours. We take so much for granted in this world, don't we? 

[kayc]

I don't think any of us get too bent out of shape about language here, grievers have strong feelings and sometimes act out of character for themselves because we go through so much and feel so much, sometimes strong words convey what's inside of us.  

It sounds like that trip was made to order.  Last night I watched "The Christmas Train", I remember him talking about it's not the destination, it's the journey, can't remember who he quoted, but it's so true...things shape and mold us and it sounds like that trip was that for you.  Sometimes the hard places turn out to be the richest in meaning.  Like grief.  I've learned so much on this journey, it's deepened me in a way I can't explain.  I'm not the same.

God bless the doctor who befriended you.  And I hope your furnace is fine now!  Mine I had worked on a couple of years ago and it still doesn't work, so I'm dependent on my wood stove.  Gets me lots of exercise hauling and stacking wood but I love the heat it provides.  

I'm glad you're in a better place, it takes a lot of working through our grief to get there...years for most of us.

[scba]

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, it's said.

I feel like Grief hasn't killed me because I tried very hard to be strong so as to keep being alive in a world without him.

I told my therapist that two years ago I felt like sinking in the sea. But now I feel I made it to a foreign shore and builded up a "fortress" to survive.

For a week I have received, each day, a news from the following: pregnancy, couples moving together, dating time, projects, baby births. They used to put me in a place of anxiety, of running home and spend the rest of the day crying. Those don't tear me down to bed anymore.

I still feel a lack of interest in them, though, and automatically the news confront my life.

I don't have an aim, a purpose, a project, I don't truly expect anything anymore. What do you want to do with your life? What just happens, I will manage. 

I must have been left so drained in all possible levels from 4 years of solid unhappiness. Pain transforms you deeply. I feel safe saying it here. 

Maybe there are no more pieces left to be broken. Maybe there are no more tears left to shed.

I am strong.

Am I, really?

Just thoughts on another Friday night.

 

Edited March 16, 2019 by scba

[MartyT]

Ana, my dear, your post reminded me of something I read earlier today, an insightful piece written by Kelley Lynn over on Soaring Spirits International's blog. Kelley's husband Don died suddenly nearly eight years ago, and she knows firsthand the pain of widowhood . She writes a weekly post for SSI, and I hope you will relate to this one especially: It Gets Softer  ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Ana, reading your thoughts were like reading my own in a different way as Steve and I were too old to start a family and had made that decision decades before for physical complications.  But I do wince hearing about family plans as I go into my 5th year.  

4 hours ago, scba said:

"I still feel a lack of interest in them, though, and automatically the news confront my life.

I don't have an aim, a purpose, a project, I don't truly expect anything anymore. What do you want to do with your life? What just happens, I will manage. 

I must have been left so drained in all possible levels from 4 years of solid unhappiness. Pain transforms you deeply. I feel safe saying it here. 

Maybe there are no more pieces left to be broken. Maybe there are no more tears left to shed.

I am strong.

Am I, really?

I keep finding pieces to be broken and tears to shed, but I also feel drained after years of it.  Retraining myself to not speak of the sadness much as people are worn out in it.  The lack of interest, aims, projects have made life a vacuum of cold emptiness that will never be the same.  I’m in some kind of backward world now.  It certainly was not easy when he left, but the last 2 years have steadily gotten worse.  

I’m always amazed how everyone here carries their grief burden.  I know you were robbed of your plans of a long life together.  Others robbed of time they should have had left.  Some with family, some of us totally alone.  But we are like one deep down.  The same sadness’s, loneliness, longing and knowing we found our perfect love.  Memories or plans so special between 2 people.  That person it matters what color towels you choose.  

Strong?  Yes we are.  But not in the ways people tell me mean.  I was strong being his caregiver.  I’m only strong now at surviving in a world that changed against my will.  Strong to try and handle the changes I have to accept.  I often wonder what people think I do with all the time they spend in thier relationships.  I know they can’t comprehend thier partner vanished from existence.  Sleeping, eating, so many things you do alone now.  

Now I'm rambling.  This usually hits me on Saturday nights.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Ana.

i never forget a post I read when I joined here by who I forget.  The first line defined me. It was.....when he died he Part of me died.  Just died. 

She’s never coming back.  This I accept.   I have no choice.

Marty, great article you posted.  Again showing there are no distinct time lines and to ignore those that feel there are.  Another reason I don’t speak of it much but here and people I trust (mostly here).  I’ve heard every, and I mean every suggestion a million times.  Always unsolicited.  I ask people to stop, but they so want to fix something they can’t and maybe it scares them.  

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I ask people to stop, but they so want to fix something they can’t and maybe it scares them.  

Oh I'm sure it does.  But that's their's to deal with, and they shouldn't plague you with their unsolicited "advice".  You're right, there's no fixing death.  Only living with it.  And that's a tall order.

11 hours ago, scba said:

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, it's said.

I guess that's why I'm trying to learn NOT to affix labels.  When we try to put a label on something or someone, we're often off base.  Does everything that doesn't kill us make us stronger?  I don't know, I doubt that's true for EVERYTHING.  That's like asking if this is really living.  Again, I can't answer that.  It's not like it was before, that's for sure!  Are we strong because we've survived?  I don't know, maybe, but it doesn't always feel like it, I know that!  

Going through that horrible storm recently was impacting...(I wrote about it in the positives thread)...being all alone in the pitch black, listening to trees crashing all around me, for three nights!  It was the eeriest thing I've ever gone through.  The hardest part wasn't the threat of death, the hardest part was the isolation I was experiencing.  It reminded me of grief!  I remember thinking, "I just have to hold on"...my sister Polly had told me just before the phones went dead, "This too shall pass."  That helped.  I hung onto her words, and reminded myself of them time and again.  Now it's 2 1/2 weeks later, I've cleared Arlie's fenced yard of the trees and branches, I still have some greenery to pick up, but I no longer have to worry about him running and hurting himself on a stob.  I still have the rest of the property to clean up and it'll have to wait until the snow melts.  But did any of that make me stronger?  Or is that something we just tell ourselves?  I didn't feel strong listening in the darkness to those trees crashing down.  Maybe I am stronger knowing I survived it, came through it, but maybe it's not strength at all, maybe it's just that built in will to survive that comes with our bodies.  When do we get to let down?  When George was alive, I didn't always have to be strong, sometimes I could let him hold me.

Last night I had a dream that George came back...he'd been dead nearly 14 years, and he suddenly reappeared.  He'd been as if he was asleep and yet I knew he was dead, I saw his body, it was empty and void of him!  He looked just like when he left...only now I'm older, have silver/white hair in the front, weigh more, signs of aging.  I remember him holding me, it was just like before, the best place in the whole world to be!  He made me feel like no one else ever had, in my whole life!  Protected, cared for, like everything was going to be okay.  It hadn't felt like that since the day he left.  But now I had to introduce him to my dog he didn't know...explain how his cat Tigger left, Lucky died...why he had no clothes in his closet.  The gov't considered him a non-person, they said he was dead.  We couldn't remarry, they considered him dead.  He couldn't draw social security, he was "dead".  They wouldn't consider the person standing before him.  When I awoke, it all felt so real!  What a dilemma!   All I cared was he was here.

[Kieron]

 

15 hours ago, MartyT said:

I hope you will relate to this one especially: It Gets Softer  ♥️

That's a good description.  One of the replies to the post reads, in part, "...whenever I come across a newly widowed person and they ask me if it gets better, I always say no, softer, but there will be times when it will spike and spike HARD. "

This is exactly how it can be.

[TomPB]

Wow kayc what a dream! I've had glimpses of Susan in a few dreams but can't remember seeing her face. She's always around the edges. Never a direct affectionate loving dream. That's even tho I meditate on her before bed every night. Maybe someday...

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I guess that's why I'm trying to learn NOT to affix labels.  When we try to put a label on something or someone, we're often off base.  Does everything that doesn't kill us make us stronger?  I don't know, I doubt that's true for EVERYTHING.  That's like asking if this is really living.  Again, I can't answer that.  It's not like it was before, that's for sure!  Are we strong because we've survived?  I don't know, maybe, but it doesn't always feel like it, I know that!

Very thought provoking, Kay.  I’m not stronger.  I have to do more/everything which gives the illusion I am.  I don’t feel more capable as I knew I could do this before.  I just didn’t have to.  More tax papers came in today.  Old days, hand hem to Steve.  Now, hook up fax and send to accountant.  Computer probs, old days call Steve, now strap on headphones and spend hours with tech support.  That’s not strength, that’s being alone.  

Surviving has left me in mentail and now growing physical pain.  Alone.  Creating a network to make sure I haven’t fallen or died.  Fearful of something happening as that security of his being here is gone.  

Naw, that isn’t strength.  It’s existence.  It’s definitely not my definition of living..

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s not strength, that’s being alone.

I have a cousin that seems to think I'm superwoman...instead of feeling flattered by it, it always annoys me.  I've wondered why it has that affect on me, I think it's exactly what we're talking about.  I'm not super anything, I just do what I have to do, same as she would if she had to, but she doesn't, she has a husband to share in everything with.  My little sister got it.  She called me from Spain and said (about the storm), "I can't imagine, and the worst part is you were all alone."  Yep, she got it!

Good luck with the taxes.  I did them myself every year until last year, I finally decided to take it to a tax person.  Yeah a lot of the work is getting everything together, the receipts, spread sheets, etc. now I have two 100 mile trips to make on top of it, but it is worth it to me to not have to fret doing it right.  Too many tax deductions etc. are changing.  I still had to be on top of it though because they missed my energy credit carryover (a glich in their software) so it goes to show the onus is still on me to be savvy and catch everything.

[Gwenivere]

Fortunately, my accountant is a master.  that and I know nothing that could be missed like you, Kay.  I am so grateful for the mail and fax.  One year I had to go to her office and it was only about 25 round trip but I hated t due to the traffic in these metropolis's.  Seattle blends into so many other cities.  

OK, so today I’m trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do.  It’s a talk I’d usually have with Steve.  Having the bad, very bad back, I did shopping for heavy stuff.  I keep doing stuff that I know will cause me pain.  I’ve watched my house slowing becoming medical again.  This time for me.  It’s sneaky all the stuff that was never here before.  More stuff than Steve had besides pill bottles.  Oxygen generator, tubing dragged around, foam on the bed for my hips and neck, a folding walker/chair I moved out of sight because I am so tired of the reminders.  Even in my car there is oxygen and the ritual of turning off and on.  

I went to Arby's for a Reuben sandwich for tonight.   I should having been simmering a slab for us.  Arguing with him in jest as he  would have wanted to BBQ it as Sunday was his night for that.  I miss the little jokes and banter so much.   I hate getting old alone.  I’m angry he went first.  I’m angry he went at all too soon.  I’m worn out that the nightly rituals have changed from a way of life to habit.  I’m angry there is no pleasure no matter what anymore.  I’m angry I am not the great dog mom I was.  I’m angry I feel no happiness for the good things happening to others.  I’m angry I have to pretend I am as I don’t want to push away what little human contact I have.  I’m angry that if I am resigned to a sandwich tonight that I’m not excited about having potato chips that I used to love.  

Too much change builds up again.  I’m living the schedule I/we always did but empty.  Things I do I thought I did for me was for us.  After shower body spray.  Didn’t realize how much he noticed it til he always crooned 'good smelling woman' when I came out.  

Again, no real point to this but to feel sorry for myself.  Were he hear, you all would have beeen spared.  😪

 

[kayc]

I stopped and got dinner on the way home from church, came home and worked in the yard picking up trees/branches/debris as I did the day before...only this time when I worked up a sweat I also started feeling funny, like my brain wouldn't work, so I came in and took my blood sugar.  It was 37!  That's diabetic coma time!  In my whole life it's never been that low!  Scared me to death!  I ate a chocolate bar I kept in the refrigerator for such purposes, still not high enough.  Ate some meat, nope that didn't do it either.  Swilled down a kale smoothie, helped some, but still not out of danger.  Ate some cheese & crackers.  Finally it came up out of danger zone.  I needed to walk Arlie but was scared to.  Called my sister and told her to call me in 1/2 hour.  Finally gave him a short walk, came back and was okay.  Don't know what caused it but perhaps the exercise, although I'd done the same thing the day before and my B.S. was 130 afterwards.  It's kind of galling, I wasn't even hungry and had to eat all that stuff.  So I'm going to have to keep a close eye on it, don't know how many test strips I went through!

What aggravated me about the whole thing is that I AM ALONE!  I don't have a husband to keep an eye on me or call an ambulance if needed, there's just me, my best judgment and when that's impaired, like in this situation, it can be dangerous.  Gwen, I'm with you, it is hard being alone...I never minded being on my own when I was younger, but growing old alone, it's a whole new ballgame!

[MartyT]

Good heavens, Kay! Have you thought about getting one of those medical alert systems for yourself? I've got several kinds listed on my Care Giving Links page. See, for example, 

Complete Senior Guide to Medical Alert Systems in 2019

Medical Alert Systems Guide
Medical Alert Systems: How to Find a Medical Alert
Medical Alert Systems Ratings and Reviews
Medical Alert Systems Reviews

[Margm]

OMGosh Kay, all I can add is "do what Marty said."  One of my problems was that I worried my granddaughter so she had to keep coming in and checking on me.  The last thing I want to do is be a burden on my family and because she was so afraid of nursing homes, my mom ruined my sister's life, and my sister tried to ease her own problem of my mom by the wrong method.  I know our mother's gave us life, I appreciate my daughter insisting on "taking care of me" but that is my  worse fear.  In cases of being alone and being so far from your caretakers, a medic alert system would be in order.  My mom was a "special case" and her Alzheimer's made her so hard to manage and made her so mean that my sister had to "self medicate" to take care of her.  If I knew I had people like Gwen to visit me, a nursing home would be a haven to me, and I must be terribly mean, I know my mom wanted to stay at home, and "saving" her home was paramount in the early stages, but ruined my sister's life.  I do not want to do that.  That is one reason I don't have a home.  We each have to do what we feel is best for us, but if you live alone, Marty's suggestion is so necessary.   We have to take care of ourselves, our mate is no longer with us.  Kay, you knew how to take care of the  problem.  And when there is a problem the anxiety is terrible.  

[Gwenivere]

Kay!  How terribly frightening.  I agree. With the medical alert, I know I can get help if I’m conscious, but I know where you live is kind of isolated.  If you had one could you get an immediate response?  How far away is the closest emergency help?  I have one and it’s a love/hate relationship.  Glad it’s there, hate that I need it.  

[kayc]

A medic alert wouldn't be of help in a situation where you suddenly go into diabetic coma.  I'm considering cutting my Rxs in half, I had to do that once before, but I wanted to wait and see if it was all of the physical work I'd been going through causing it to drop, I think it is and if so it should settle down.  This morning my B.S. was nearly 200 which is way higher than normal.  The closest hospital is 1 1/4 hours away.  

[Gwenivere]

WhT do they do where you are in emergencies?  Do they do Medivacs?  Rural living may have appealed when I was young, but certainly not now.  Even vback then I did the club scene so where would I shake my booty?  😎

[Margm]

We lived in Billy's Jeremiah Johnson country for four years.  He had a new Kabota tractor to keep clear all those acres.  At night there was a bear that came and got grubs from fallen trees.  It was on a forest service road leading into the national forest.  Billy would get at front door and call up a coyote in the daytime and then run around to back door and call it.  I like the wilds, have tented and RV'd in apple orchards in New Mexico and way off in the Gila Wilderness.  One night heard animals fighting outside the tent.  I beat on the walls to run them off.  I slept with the sleeping bag zipped up to my nose.  They were all skunks. For a Louisiana flatlander those hills were mountains, and they were designated mountains, yet for Cookie in NC and Kay in Oregon, and probably Kevin in Canada, they might have been small.  We were 40 miles one way from a doc and 40 miles the other way.  One night we thought two year old Brianna might have taken Billy's blood pressure meds, as we could not find them.  Took her fast to hospital.  I drove the 40 miles back to the house, but getting her to doc/hospital was paramount.  I found them under the bed.  I declared I would not live more than a few miles from doc/hospital ever again.  In Mount Ida we were maybe a half mile from clinic.  Got rid of the Kabota and a lot more stuff during our "mountain man life" and as beautiful as they are, never regretted it.  I'm as home as I will ever be again.