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Tired Of Being Strong


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When I hear that my boyfriend would be sad too for seeing me sad, I felt more guilty, more ashamed, more vulnerable and less understood. This statement is another one that doesn't help at all in the early days. Bring him back, wake me up from this nightmare and I swear I will smile every second. 

I understand that nobody wants to stay grieving forever, but at the same time we are not computers to turn on and off our feelings. 

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2 hours ago, kevin said:

 Maryanne and others, its not the Supervisor who is 100% at fault.........It is the Management and the Supervisory Training that is at fault .......My confessions of a 35 years Supervisor/Middle Management type, I had no idea what impact the loss of a Spouse or infant child had on the individual.  I feel so bad about the three day bereavment  policy negotiated in our collective agreements , 

While 6 months wouldn't have been enough bereavement time for me, I don't know who came up with 3 days. Why not at least make it a week. I remember my manager saying I Had 3 days, but used up those days on top of vacation days just running around making arrangements. I didn't even have time to really sit and be still. Every second I could find I curled up in bed, but before I knew it I was back at work trying to hold it together. There should time available to take off, like sick leave or maternity leave. Having a baby and being sick or having surgery you recover from (usually people recover from the illness) You never recover from losing a loved one, yet I've noticed how quickly we are supposed to.  Someone dying can really and truly turn your world upside down and destroy your life for good. 

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I never said anything before, but I believe it was this same supervisor who put it into motion that I should come back to work the Monday after Mark died.  It was part of the get my mind off it and keep busy.  Oh, and let's not talk about how the person in HR did not catch the fact I missed filling out certain paperwork for life insurance for Mark.  I did not find out until AFTER he was dead that my policy was not in affect, even though the money to cover the premiums was being taken out of my paycheck from September.  I am going to have a talk with MY supervisor about this whole thing.  It is hard now thinking that I am doing something wrong, when I am NOT doing anything wrong. 

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On ‎23‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 6:06 PM, scba said:

I need again to write down my angry. My dad has just told me that things happen for a reason, that an X event is God's will. I was shocked....my father saying this to me, so my boyfriend's death is a reason and so on? I swear that if I ever hear this statement again said to me I will explode. There are days that I'm tired of being polite and understanding that people has no idea and that I must be strong and endure those comments. I'm sure I'm wrong but I'm just so dammed tired of hurting remarks coming from people I care.

Dear scba,

there was a time I was thinking over my "why"...I still have those "why" so far,but I try to understand and accept it now...It´s very hard...Happened so many things after my beloved man had died and now I can find any answers to some of my "why"...My beloved Jan died 11.11.´11 at 1.I don´t know anybody who died the very same day as himself.Somehow I must accept it was God´s will to take my beloved man away from me that day...at the time we were the happiest in the world by all means...How could I explain so many numbers of 1?We had put up at challet 11 at 1 o´ clock at night and 2 weeks later he died in the 11th of November at 1 o´clock at night as well.I think while we´re grieving in early stages,our pain can´t allow us to accept it,but step by step we can put bits and pieces together that makes a sense a little bit.It´s been 4 years for me now and though I´ve learned to live and cope with my pain,it´s still horrible and I find it even harder now.I would like to be your comfort and support...The only thing I can say is that we all are just humans and God can see far ahead,much more than we can understand right now and one day we´ll see it too.The love between me and my beloved man Jan is for eternity and I know that one day I´ll be with him as one again.I truly understand the way you feel and I´m very sorry for everything you have to go through!Please take care!

PS:Our loved ones are with us forever and one day we´ll meet them again.

With love Janka

Smiling Heart

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At least all Government employees, all major companies, whether union or non union, have the bereavement clause. The 3-4 days that the Federal government allows only demonstrates the Universal Ignorance of not understanding of what Grief actually is............A Medical Professional should be in the return to work process, this removes some subjectivity and should  be part of a Return to Work Standard......(EAP).

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3 days is ignorant, so is a week, that's barely time to plan a funeral when you can least think!  I came in five days after George died to do payroll, but other than that, I took two weeks off and my boss paid me for it even though there wasn't a policy about it.  I lost my vacation time a few months later when the company shut down, but this made it easier for me to accept that.

scba, Please don't worry over what your BF thinks.  You may or may not be religious, but the Bible says there's no more tears in heaven...I don't think that's because they no longer care or empathize, but that they now have a broader perspective and view this time on Earth as very brief in the grand scheme of things and know that everything's going to come out okay...I do think they care about our feelings and are hoping things will go better for us, but of course they understand what we're going through is difficult, to put it lightly!  I know my George was always the first to understand everything I was feeling and going through and would care very much, whether he's passed into a different life or form or not! 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm going to quit my job. I lasted a month. It is a harsh and unkind place. I cannot stand anymore. However, i feel guilty for i don't know what. For not being able to cope. This day I asked God why and what is trying to test me. I am so tired. I used to be a manager. Now I feel I can deal if I work in the woods or in a monastry. I watched nuns passing by today. I felt envy. 

I wish I could turn off my mind and my heart for a while

.TO MY LOVE, I MISS YOU, WHO AM I IF YOU ARE GONE, WHAT IS THE WORLD IF YOU ARE NOT IN IT? WHAT IS LIFE TRYING TO TEACH ME?

 

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11 minutes ago, scba said:

I'm going to quit my job. I lasted a month. It is a harsh and unkind place. I cannot stand anymore. However, i feel guilty for i don't know what. For not being able to cope. This day I asked God why and what is trying to test me. I am so tired. I used to be a manager. Now I feel I can deal if I work in the woods or in a monastry. I watched nuns passing by today. I felt envy. 

I wish I could turn off my mind and my heart for a while

.TO MY LOVE, I MISS YOU, WHO AM I IF YOU ARE GONE, WHAT IS THE WORLD IF YOU ARE NOT IN IT? WHAT IS LIFE TRYING TO TEACH ME?

 

Oh my dear Ana,

you do the right thing.You deserve something better.I´m in the same situation as you already know.Today I was in the workplace to take all of the money they didn´t send me till yesterday.I´m still not able to work and they still don´t know that I´m about to leave.I have many signs from above that I have to leave,so I´m sure that God who cares for my beloved Jan,they both,don´t want me to stay in there anymore.I really deserve something better than that.Being there today again,I realized a grudge that I felt everywhere.It wasn´t a good job for me,but needed because I´m all alone and I needed money.I want to leave in February as soon as I´m able to start working again.I must be very strong.I hope that you´ll be too.You´re in my thoughts as you know,my friend.

With love Janka

Cute Purple Glitter Bug

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scba, Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do for YOU.  I wish you well finding a job that is better suited for you right now.

Janka, You too, I wish a job for you that will be a better fit for you right now.  Maybe one where you can work from home?

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Scba, I'm sorry you have work/job stress on top of all this. I'm sorry I can't remember, but is this the job at the school? I know in this economy it's best to find something before you quit but you might be crazy before you find another job. I know you will feel such a relief when you are out of that environment. I have never had a job I liked, but I'm sure there is nothing like having a job you like or at least can tolerate well. I wish you luck on your job search.

I know all to well the annoyances and stress of a job you can't stand. We mentioned this in another thread where it was mentioned that struggles were easier when our loved ones were there. I thought "Amen' to that. Grief weighs us down. I know I sleep a lot more and am more fatigued during the day, and I have zero desire to do what I used to around the house.

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HH

It saddens me that you've never had a job that you liked.  I was a teacher for forty years and do not remember a day dreading going to work. I loved what I did almost, but not quite, as much as I loved my darling Deedo.  I've told my kids repeatedly to find your passion and then find a way to make it pay.  Considering one spends more time working than anything else but sleeping it does make such a difference to really love what you do.  When Deedo died my grief quite literally was complicated by the fact that I had retired to take care of her.  I was grieving for the loss of my wife but also for the loss of my work.  To this day I'm still not sure what to do with myself beside come and visit with the wonderful people here.

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I guess I can count this as one of the things in my life to be grateful/thankful for is my job.  Mark was still alive when I changed departments where I work.  And he saw a HUGE change in my stress level and my outlook after I changed.  I LOVE my job and find great comfort in it.  I work with a super bunch of ladies who are not only very understanding, but also look out for me.  I was able to adapt my schedule to my new "normal" since my job really does not require me to be here during what would be regular work day hours.  I work 7 am to 3 pm. Since I have the three dogs, I rise early and find it difficult to sit around and wait until 9 am.  I eat at my desk, so I am only at work for 8 hours. I still have days when I may be pressed to focus on more than I am ready for...and go home a little flustered.  My grief tells me when it is time to take some extra time off...and I am doing so this Friday.  I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and after that I will be off until Monday.  It is SO important, especially when you are grieving as we all are, to be in a place that is conducive to letting you do it as you need to.  I have reached the point where I am not running to the bathroom as much to cry...but most days, I still remain somewhat quiet.  It is how it needs to be right now.

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2 hours ago, Brad said:

HH

It saddens me that you've never had a job that you liked.  I was a teacher for forty years and do not remember a day dreading going to work. I loved what I did almost, but not quite, as much as I loved my darling Deedo.  I've told my kids repeatedly to find your passion and then find a way to make it pay.  Considering one spends more time working than anything else but sleeping it does make such a difference to really love what you do.  When Deedo died my grief quite literally was complicated by the fact that I had retired to take care of her.  I was grieving for the loss of my wife but also for the loss of my work.  To this day I'm still not sure what to do with myself beside come and visit with the wonderful people here.

Brad, my biggest regret was not following my passions. I just let time slip past and didn't have the courage to do what I wanted. I wanted to be a Vet, but sorta let that go, no believing I had the smarts to do it. I wish I had tried. I'm not the best in the essentials that you need like science and math, but I felt my passion for wanting to help animals would have helped me forge ahead.

Everyday I know what a difference it would make if you liked what you did because I have been complaining about work ever since I got into the work force. That is another big drain on me emotionally and physically other than this grief. I hated my last job (of 8 years) but I was able to enjoy my weekends and vacation time. Now I don't even have my fun weekends anymore. When I was finally on the verge of moving toward something I think I would actually enjoy (the school system where my sister worked her whole life and would be a great asset to me) she passed away.

Without her guidance I feel lost again and back to square one.

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HH -

My initial reaction is two fold: 1) It is never too late to pursue a dream.  I would encourage you to start looking into Veterinary Science programs at the local junior college to begin with.  If you are lacking a background in science and math you can start there.  If you feel like that may be more than you can handle look into Veterinary Science Assistance programs where you will still be working with animals.  I would encourage you to, when you feel you can, not today but some day soon, carpe diem and make a change for yourself.

:D

 

Maryanne - 

Thrilled you love your job.  Drives my point home exactly!!  Take a bow.

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HH,

You might want to start by working in a veterinary office or animal shelter, maybe even while you go to college.  They might be willing to be flexible with you on your hours, knowing you are pursuing that as a career.  (My dentist did that for his dental assistant when she was going to college for it).  It'd give you a chance to see if you like that field.  There's so much more to it than merely loving animals, but having the patience and courage to tackle head on, their injuries and illnesses.  It's not for everyone!  I used to work for a country doctor that did everything from surgery to delivering babies, tending to someone with a chainsaw accident (ragged & dirty!), someone whose child's head was run over by their car...twice (yep, they put it in reverse to "undo" it)...it takes extreme calmness and patience to deal with these types of things...and a vet's office is no different.  Being around the atmosphere would help you know if you think you'd be cut out for it...and more importantly, the people you work with would be able to give you constructive feedback to help you figure it out.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained! 

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Today I woke up sad and anxious about going to work, fearing a bad day again full of complaints and bad tones. The day started bad with my boss. And in my despair because it was only 10am and I have already been called for attention, I asked my boyfriend. "you always took care of me, you took care of me even if you were trapped in a body that was sick. Now you must be very powerful, more than before. So please do whatever you can, use your powers, ask for more, ignore celestial rules, and please make me invisible, just for today, I want to be ignored for the whole day. Please help me". And no one paid attention to me for the rest of the day. Call me crazy, call me child. Call me desperate. Still, this cannot go on any further....i hope tomorrow will be an ok day too but I don't dare to believe that much.

 

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25 minutes ago, scba said:

Today I woke up sad and anxious about going to work, fearing a bad day again full of complaints and bad tones. The day started bad with my boss. And in my despair because it was only 10am and I have already been called for attention, I asked my boyfriend. "you always took care of me, you took care of me even if you were trapped in a body that was sick. Now you must be very powerful, more than before. So please do whatever you can, use your powers, ask for more, ignore celestial rules, and please make me invisible, just for today, I want to be ignored for the whole day. Please help me". And no one paid attention to me for the rest of the day. Call me crazy, call me child. Call me desperate. Still, this cannot go on any further....i hope tomorrow will be an ok day too but I don't dare to believe that much.

 

Oh my dear Ana,

you should go away from there as well as I´m gonna do it very soon.I know how it feels.I can´t stand there any longer too.I have the hardest times lately and cry more often than I used to do.Tonight I spend in tears again.
Emo Sad Bunny Tattoo

With love Janka

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For all of you in bad workplace situations, do what you can NOW to prepare to leave!  I worked in a horrid environment for seven long years, it took it's toll on my body, with stress and all it's effects.  Getting let go was the best thing that ever happened to me, for I was raised that you don't quit a job without another in hand, and I applied to 350 jobs I could have done to no avail.  A lot of it was because it was the recession, a lot of it was age discrimination as I'd never had a problem landing a job before.  If you have to cut back your expenses by moving, getting a roommate, whatever you have to do, try to make this change happen in your life.  Nothing is worth spending 8+ hours a day in a bad environment.  If it's worse than that, report it, file a lawsuit, but do what you need to do to protect yourself and take care of yourself.  You are #1!

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49 minutes ago, kayc said:

For all of you in bad workplace situations, do what you can NOW to prepare to leave!  I worked in a horrid environment for seven long years, it took it's toll on my body, with stress and all it's effects.  Getting let go was the best thing that ever happened to me, for I was raised that you don't quit a job without another in hand, and I applied to 350 jobs I could have done to no avail.  A lot of it was because it was the recession, a lot of it was age discrimination as I'd never had a problem landing a job before.  If you have to cut back your expenses by moving, getting a roommate, whatever you have to do, try to make this change happen in your life.  Nothing is worth spending 8+ hours a day in a bad environment.  If it's worse than that, report it, file a lawsuit, but do what you need to do to protect yourself and take care of yourself.  You are #1!

Thank you,Kay!

Love you!

Janka

Paint.gif

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Being strong has been harder this week.  Our wedding anniversary is approaching on Valentine's...and of course it is around every corner.  Also, I got an email Monday morning requesting my advice about the annual staff luncheon from one of the committee people.  It is being held a couple months later than last year...so it is going to be my LAST first for my first year.  Last year the luncheon was held on December 3.  Our department planned and worked on it for two months.  Mark was a HUGE behind the scenes helper, and was so proud of me.  The night before was his birthday, and we decorated and finalized things.  After the luncheon was over, Mark called me to see how it went.  He was so proud of me.  That night we had his birthday dinner at his mom's house (a day late)...and the next morning he died.  Being strong is not going to be on my agenda.  I have been irritable and on edge ever since I received that email...last night I couldn't get comfortable in my own skin.  That luncheon was the last thing that Mark and I did together, and it is hard thinking of going without him here.

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I am so sorry that you are facing this painful activity, Maryann. You don't have to be strong for anyone. It is easier to be who we are at the time and that needs to be okay. If you need to skip this involvement in the luncheon let someone know and just sit out this year ~ if you can.

Allow your feelings to be what they are and don't worry about others. This grief stuff is hard enough and we each react to it differently. 

Hugs to you.

Anne

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I know these posts are from a year ago, but they resonate with me more.  I totally relate to what is being said here.  Still feeling so fragile and unsure and in pain at 7 1/2 months from my loss.  It feels like I will never know happiness again.  I can certainly go through the motions and do what I have to do, but what kind of life is that?  I will keep doing it, but I'm very unhappy.  I also find myself almost not thinking about my husband a lot, seeing him in my mind's eye; I wonder where I let the memories go?

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Janka:  I also talk to my husband like that.  I have asked him many times to help me through something, then I feel guilty because it's like I'm interrupting his peace.  But, I need him so much sometimes.  I do wonder if he hears me.  It does seem like help comes in some form.  Is it the power of my mind or him?  I would like to think it is him.  Has anyone here ever consulted a medium/psychic.  I have thought of it.  I don't know what I believe about that, but I will try anything.....

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