Into my second year

[jame57]

A dear friend told me a few months back that may bereaved feel worse when the second year arrives.  Some excellent web resources also mention this.

Once the one year anniversary of mum's passing went by an awful feeling seemed to dawn on me that this was my life now and having got through a year of anniversaries it really was the case that she had gone from this life.  I didn't expect that somehow it would ease after 12 months but reaching and getting through that barrier was so daunting that I hadn't prepared myself for the months and years ahead (if indeed one can).

I have put off writing this piece for a week now as I wanted to see if my feelings would change but they haven't so here goes:

I still cry a few times every day and this concerns me a lot.  My close friends say don't worry, it's natural as I lived with my mum for the vast majority of my 51 years and was her carer for the last 7.  I was very close to her and this pain, missing her so much is awful at times.  I distract myself with work and try to socialise but the mornings when I get up to an empty house and get home to an empty house are awful.  I experience anxiety when waking up and this gets worse at weekends, especially Sundays when the day seems to consist of going to church and merely existing.  I can't get interested in my hobbies much and these were such a help during my caring years as I could be myself and lose myself in them.

This wonderful forum has been a huge source of encouragement which is just as well because I have little or no way of reassuring myself  that this is all normal in grief.

My mum was my rock after dad died and then my marriage failed and I just don't know how I can ever get through this.  I know it all takes more time than we imagine but I guess I'm just exhausted from being in this nightmare for so long.  How I long to see mum and dad again!

Forgive me for rambling on but I've been bottling this fear up for weeks now and feel like I'm somehow failing in grieving (yes my self esteem has left town too).

I see a counsellor once a week but just feel she doesn't get me and my total inability to reassure myself any more.  She says I'm doing ok but why do I worry so much?

I read other people's posts on the forum and feel such sympathy and I offer what assurance I can but just can't reassure myself that I'm where I'm expected to be or that I'm doing ok.  I seem to beat myself up at every opportunity.

 

 

 

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time as you enter this second year in your grief journey, and I commend you for your courage in sharing with all of us what you are feeling now. As I read the content of your post, I think that all the wisdom and reassurance you are seeking is reflected in your own words. For example, you say:

My close friends say don't worry, it's natural as I lived with my mum for the vast majority of my 51 years and was her carer for the last 7.

I wonder what would happen if you listened to the people who know you best, and took their words to heart. 

I can't get interested in my hobbies much and these were such a help during my caring years as I could be myself and lose myself in them.

This may be an important clue. What would happen if you picked just one or two of those hobbies and took them up again, regardless of whether you feel "interested" in them? If they worked for you before, chances are that they just might work for you again. Don't wait until you feel like doing them! Sometimes the first step is simply to begin.

I know it all takes more time than we imagine . . .

It does indeed. Surely you are not alone in this discovery, especially if you've read any of our other members' stories! It takes as long as it takes, and that is different for everyone.

  just can't reassure myself that I'm where I'm expected to be or that I'm doing ok.  I seem to beat myself up at every opportunity.

When such doubts invade your mind and your conscious thought, try saying "STOP!" Say it out loud if you need to. Find something to distract yourself. Take a walk. Tune in to Nature. Listen to beautiful music. Write down all the things about yourself that you're proud of, and look at that list when you need a boost. Or listen to some guided imagery that contains some positive affirmations. (See, for example, Guided Meditations: Positive Affirmations.)

 

[enna]

Hi James,

I think that one of the hardest things we who grieve have to learn is to allow where we are to be okay. Over and over again we hear that there is no timetable in grief. I am beginning to understand that with my latest loss ~ that of my beloved Jim.  

As you mentioned about how difficult being in the empty house is I too experience that now that children are grown and my husband is dead. At first I didn’t know how to handle it and I still don’t most of the time, but what I am learning is to accept what is and let that be okay. You mentioned that you cannot even get into some of your hobbies. I could not either in the early months, but I am beginning now to find what helps me come to this acceptance ~ one thing I do is what is called colored pencil coloring ~ I am completely focused on what I am doing at the time and it does help the time to pass more quickly. Another thing I do is practice mindfulness ~ trying to be "in the moment" ~ something I have never been good at and I’m still not, but I keep working on it. I have discovered some really “old” movies that bring me enjoyment and help the time to pass. I am limited in my ability to do too much out doors, but I love nature so I find myself putting together nature videos using photos that I find on the Internet. If you do not have the energy to take walks just sitting outdoors for an hour a day and watching whatever you see around you may help.

I mention these things to you because I think that when we find activities to do we feel less alone.

In the beginning of my grief, I could not read because everything I read I forgot. My mind wasn’t ready ~ it was too exhausting for me to focus. That changed over the months and now I spend many hours in a day reading.  

You are still so very early in your grief that you may not even have the energy to do any more than you are doing. Let that be enough for you.

One of our members recommended this website to us at http://www.calm.com as a way to take breaks during the day. I still use it both morning and evening. I have it on my desktop so it is easy for me to click on it whenever I want. 

If you haven’t gone down to the Grief and Loss section on the forum’s home page you might find Tools for Healing to be helpful.

We are here for you.

Anne

 

 

[jame57]

Thank you both for your kind replies.  I guess living on my own for the first time in my life makes it that much harder.  As I said, the mornings are awful as I get anxious over another day of coping.  Sometimes it's still so raw and just taking in that I'm an "adult orphan" is so unbelievably hard.  I often sit and hold her photo and remember my wonderful loving mum.  I know I should be grateful for the tears as they let the emotion out and I usually feel calmer afterwards.  

As for the hobbies, I know it's daft but I sometimes feel a little guilty for trying to maintain normality by doing the things I used to.  But then again it could just be I haven't got the energy or patience yet.

My whole world fell apart when mum passed away and I must remember it will take a lot of time to rebuild one agonising day at a time.  

Many thanks once again.  

[kayc]

It is common to lose interest in hobbies for a while...can be quite a while.  Of course you're going to feel as you do, you were close to her and she was a big part of your life, all your life!