So Very Alone, Too Many Deaths

[eaglesoaring]

I have just lost my Mom, I was the sole caretaker for her for the past 11 years, Thank God for hospice, they were here for 3 days and gave her so much care and pain free time. I lost my Dad 10 years ago suddenly on my b-day. I lost my only child, never got to hold her, or see her. My best friend died of cancer.

I feel so all alone now, I have no one, all my old friends left years ago while I was taking care of my Mom.

I dont know how to handle all the emotions, all the memories, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I no longer feel that I belong anywhere. This is all that I feel safe saying for now.

[Guest susany]

Eagles, I am so very sorry! We are all at different stages of our losses, and experience them differently, but I really hope you'll find your purpose again and find meaning (maybe a new meaning) in your life. Just reading the boards has helped me deal with a recent loss. Let the more advanced members help you through it, if you can.

[Guest Guest_shell_*]

Eaglesoaring, I know what you are going through, although I am not TOTALLY alone (though sometimes I feel I am). Have you thought about joining a grief support group? I think it would be a great expeience for you and help you not feel so alone. I've been looking for one to join myself. I'm so sorry for your losses and your pain. Another thing you might consider is getting a pet. They are such wonderful therapy and certainly make you feel loved and not so alone. If it wasn't for my furry babies I probably would have lost it by now.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing,

Shell

[eaglesoaring]

Thank You Susany, for writing, Yes I am finding that reading the board that there are others out there with similar feelings, that does help with that part of the lonilness. I am also sorry for your loss.

Thank You Shell. I tried going to a group, had a terrible Panic Attack, now am afraid to go back. Oh Yes, I have added 5 new fur babies in the last two weeks, rescue dogs, I understand when I look into their wounded eyes, it breaks my heart that they were discarded. I would guess that in the end they will do more for me, than I will ever be able to do for them. Thanks again

[Maureen]

eaglesoaring,

i am EXACTLY where you are at, although i did not lose that many people as you did. i've lost my best friend, my featherkid Miss Pea, when she was just a few months short of 12 years old. i raised her from 2 months old, and i've just lost my mom in August for my birthday. i was her caregiver for 3 years.

NO ONE in my family bothers with me, at all, no emails, no phone calls, no christmas cards, no nothing. *friends* do not want to go to lunch with me ~ they are all "too busy" and can't understand my "working at home thing" after all, i've no one here to care for, why not jump back in the workforce?

ah yes, the nonsense and cold shoulders seem endless. i have my other featherkids ~ Miss Pea's twin brother who is going to be 15 years old, and two new featherkids that i got after i and my boy worked through our grief over his sister. he loves them so, they are good company for both him and me.

it is EXTREMELY hard, to be quite this alone. i'm very spiritual ~ not religious ~ but spiritual so i pray alot and read the Bible alot, and i know i'm not really alone as the lord is with me, but the humans can't be found! i'm at the point now where it's almost laughable.

i think that is the good thing about this board......... we can all share pain, and share healing.

hugs to you and your furkids!

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maureen

Thank You for writing, I am so very sorry you lost your Beloved Miss Pea, I understand the great pain, as you had her for a very long time, they make such great pets. I am happy to read that you have gotten a few more!!!!!

I am so very sorry about your Mom, and on your b-day, I know how very hard that is as I lost my Dad on my b-day. I am so very sorry that you are all alone, It must be harder on you that your family and friends are not there for you, that must hurt so bad, and at a time when you need them...(hugs)

The best thing about pets, they dont run away from us when we are sad or hurting, they stay when we need them most, they will always love us.

Yes this board is a lifeline, even as I have been here a short period of time.

Hugs back to you and your furbabies :-)))

I have my Dad's parrot, who talks, sings, laughs, cough's just like my Mom, so he is a special gift.

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL? D.L.F

[shell]

Eaglesoaring,

I am so glad you have fur babies, and you too Maureen. They get you through when nothing else does, that's for sure. I have eleven kitties (all strays) that are all inside. I also have three more strays outside that I feed and am hoping to get inside someday. When I feel like life is not worth it anymore, they are the only thing that keeps me going. I could NEVER leave them. When I start feeling so alone I think I'm going nutty, all I have to do is think of them and I don't feel alone anymore. Thank God for animals! They are more help than humans most of the time. I think of them as little angels.

Take care and give your babies a kiss from me!

Shell

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Shell

Wow 11 Kitties inside, I love cats put I cant have any as I am allergic to them. I have 8 toy dogs in the house with me. I also feel that my dogs are angels, here on earth. I have one dog outside, as she will bite, and she goes after my little ones. I live in a warm area, and she has a huge dog house, and a really large run area. My fur babies are my best friends, and they bring such a comfort. Sometimes I feel bad that I hang on so tightly to them, but I hope they understand.

Take care

When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Begin To Heal? DLF

[shell]

Don't feel bad about hanging onto them, they understand and they love it. I know my cats want to comfort me whenever they sense I'm upset. When one of my furbabies died several years ago, I cried myself to sleep sprawled across my bed and finally went to sleep. When I woke up, all seven (I only had eight then!) were curled up next to me. Talk about feeling loved! There is nothing in the world like animals.

Hang on tight and let them give you comfort,

Shell

[Maylissa]

shell and eaglesoaring,

Boy, you can say THAT again! If not for my fur-gal, I never could have gotten through the death of her brother, my son, 6 years ago tomorrow ( sob! I WON'T be doing so well, I'm sure ). From the very day he died, she made it her mission to LOVE me through my most intense sorrow ever. Her method? ~ to give me a MILLION kisses ( on the mouth, no less ) in our cherished time together. She actually pins me down to do this if I don't cooperate! ....pretty good for a dainty 5.8lb. girl!! What I'm going to do without her ( she's just turned 19 in Jan. ), I'm terrified to find out. Who will get me through HER transition?!

I've loved my kidlets more than words can ever say, each somewhat differently, but each also just as intensely. And I don't think I could ever even bring another one into my life as a permanent family member after them, they are each so hugely entrenched in my heart as special. And there she is now, yellling for my attention ( some Siamese in their blood, we and their vets have always been sure ), so I must go! NOW!!

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

So sorry to hear about your loss. I loss my mother earlier this year. My God it hasn't even been a month yet, and it feels like enternity since I've seen her. I'm so sad, she was only 56 and they still don't know what she died of. She just slept and never woke up. I lost my dad 5 years ago, to a heart attack. He was ok one day and a few days later he was gone. He was only 47. It hurt us all, but my mother took it the worst. She cried for years, even up until her death. I tried my best to comfort her. She was like my best friend. We did everything together, and now she's gone. I'm so sad. I can't work and I feel so depressed. I'm parentless too, and I'm not even 30 yet. This sucks so bad. I have no kids, no husband, boyfriend, nothing. My grandmother (father's mother) is helping us out. But there's nothing like your parents. They loved you unconditionally. I miss her so much. I hope we all find comfort some day. I haven't thought of a pet, but it does sound like it will help.

[shell]

Hi Jen,

I feel for you deeply, as I do for everyone on this site. I lost my father last February and though it's been almost a year, it is still hurting and always will. I now have just my mom and brother. My mom is my best friend too and I worry about her so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, when she passes on, which I'm praying is a long time away. I'm 52 and feel like I'm 16, trying to cope with everything. I can't even imagine going through this at your age. I wish you the very best of luck in managing. Just take one day at a time...or sometimes one hour at a time! That has helped me some. Keep writing to this site and reading the other posts. That has helped me very much too.

Take care of yourself,

Shell

[eaglesoaring]

Oh Jen, I am so sorry for your losses, I am glad that you are here writing, as I hope that by being here it will bring you some comfort. When we are so alone, sometimes it feels like the world is just passing us by, and no one seems to notice, this is why I am here, where others understand the agony of grief. When you are ready and if you want to, maybe you will be able to find a support group in your area. Please keep writing, to let us know how you are doing. And oh yes, when you are ready I hope that you will be able to find just the right fur baby, as they really do fill a void in my life. I really dont know where I would be without them.

Sending gentle thoughts your way.

When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? DLF

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Thanks for your responses. Yes it is very hard. My mother was my best friend and I worried about her a lot. I worried about my father as well. After he passed I became very obsessed with doctor visits. I made my mother go too, but it was hard. You know parents can be very difficult sometimes. So sad, how life's roles change so quickly. I can't get over the fact that when my father passed away, my mother wanted to leave with him. But I didn't feel the same way. And now that my mother is gone, I want to leave with her. you know? It just makes me so sad to know she felt that way. People use to tell me that some day I'll get married and leave her. This would anger me, because I could never see myself leaving my mother for anybody. Now that she's gone, I feel like I have nothing to hold on too. Today was really hard getting out of bed. I'm staying with my aunt (dad's oldest sister) for the time being. Her daughter came over with the grandson. It made me feel so bad knowing that my mother would never have that pleasure. My aunt and her daughter have a really estrange relationship. My aunt's lost her husband years ago when he was murdered in front of their only daughter. She was only 5 yrs old. Over the years, my aunt closed up and neglected her daughter, and that put a rift in their relationship. So there I am over my aunt’s house and watching this horrible relationship take place, and I just want to scream at them! They have grandkids, they have each other ! Why are they still arguing ! And here my mother, my best friend is gone and I will never have that chance again to touch her, hold her. It breaks my heart. Some days I cry and just want to go home to my house. But then I think of how miserable I will be not seeing my mom there ! This is driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. Thanks for listening to me and commenting. I’m just really really sad.

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Jen, I really do understand the wanting to go be with your Mom, as I also do. I took care of my Dad when he had a knee replaced, I remember when I left that night, there was something in his eyes that gave me a chill, and I ask him if he was alright, he said yes,"you go and have some fun, as all you do is take care of us old farts" So I left, and when I got home he was gone. I blame myself for not being here, as the fire dept. got lost and it took them 45 mins. to find us, by then he was to far gone. My Mom also fell apart, so it was no time for feelings about my daddy got to take care of my Mom, so I did, for 10 more years, almost all by myself. Now she is gone and like you said the house is so empty. Now I think that both their losses (really all) are crashing down on me. If I did not have my animals to care for I would not get out of bed. I have lost 25 pounds in 2 months. The depression is so heavy my chest and head feel like they will explode.

I am so sorry that you have to watch your Aunt and her daughter fight, your right, it is so sad that while they have each other that this is the way they are.

Here is what I try to do, is take it a moment at a time, if you like to write, write your feelings out, it helps me, it seems to take a bit of the burden away, and when you write you dont have to worry about what or how you say it, you can vent anger and then shred it this is what I do, no one has to read what you write if you dont want them to, and please keep writing here, if you are able, so you can connect with us, so hopefully you wont feel so all alone. Sending more gentle thoughts your way, Take care...

When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? DLF

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Today was really hard for me to get out of bed. I'm still in shock about my mom's death. I just can't believe that she would go away from me knowing that I need her so much. I'm single, no kids, and she was my best friend. I always worried about my mom, just the week before she died, I took her to get new glasses for her Driver's license. She was so happy. We found out she had cataracts. I got so scared and bought her sunglasses too, because I didn't want her to go blind in her old age. Never in a million years I would have thought a week later she would have died. I'm still so shocked. This morning, I just wanted to lie in bed and not move forever. But then, I ended up falling asleep for about another hour, and then suddenly I couldn't stand it no more and jumped out of bed. I was the only one in the house and I had to get out of there ! I didn't know where I wanted to go, but I wanted to get out of the house ! and now I find myself at work and crying. I hate this !!! I screamed all the way too work. I just feel so sad and lost. Thanks eaglesoaring for responding to my post. I feel your pain about losing both your mom and dad. It's so strange because I seem to connect both losses together. I started thinking about my dad a lot too. It's only been 5 years, I still remember him driving me around the city. How awful. After my dad died, my mom didn't want to leave this city. But I did. Now that she's gone, I don't want to leave either. awwhh. I just get so mad that they both left me here alone in this awful world. Sometimes I wish they just had an abortion, then I wouldn't have to feel this pain ! You know?! I find writing about it really helps for me too. During the funeral and all, I had so many friends and relatives around, and now there's no one. Everyone seemed to just run away. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and we were talking about school and stuff. Well in the middle of the conversation, he had his nerve to say to me that it seems like I'm finally over this whole ordeal. I was like what?! It pissed me off so much, I hung the phone up. I just couldn't believe it. Over the whole ordeal of losing my mother, my father, my parents? Of course he's never really experienced anything like that. So he doesn't know. I find myself having to avoid people like or else I'll go crazy. What about you? Have you ran into people like that?

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

It is so hard. Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I finally came into work. A co-worker of mine took me out too lunch. It was so hard sitting there and talking and joking with her. I can hear a voice in the back of my head saying over and over again, I just want to die. I'm so torn. I know my mother is dead, but sometimes I feel myself thinking I'll see her again. You know? And then another part of me, realizes that she's really gone, in the ground dead. She's never coming back. I don't think I can go one without her. This is so tough. I can't bear it.

[eaglesoaring]

Dear Jen

I really understand what you are saying here!!! I am so sorry for your agony and for all your pain. It is okay to not want to get out of bed, but give yourself credit that you did!!! It is good that you went out to lunch and you made it thru. Your Mom has just passed, and the feelings that you are having are all to real and they really hurt and yes there are days that we dont want to go on also , (and I hope the same is for you as for me), that this will come and go, and with time will ease up for you. I can never come up with a reason why we are the ones who are left, but I guess there must be a reason. And yes I understand the thinking that I will see her, I will come into the house and find myself just talking away as if she was sitting in her chair, till I get into the room and it is empty, at first it would crush me, now I just keep on talking as if she is there and she can hear me. You are so right this grief is so hard, I hope that you are not all alone in this, do you have a hospice where you live, It is helping me to go to their group's. Sometimes hospital's have a support group that you can go to. When you feel ready and if it is right for you, please check into this.

And I am proud of you, keep writing here, it is so healthy to express your feelings, I find, and in by doing so you will find others who have similar feelings, that helps make it be not so alone!!! Here is what I tell myself all the time, be gentle to yourself, cause there is no one else who can do it better!!!!

When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Heal? DLF

It is so hard. Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I finally came into work. A co-worker of mine took me out too lunch. It was so hard sitting there and talking and joking with her. I can hear a voice in the back of my head saying over and over again, I just want to die. I'm so torn. I know my mother is dead, but sometimes I feel myself thinking I'll see her again. You know? And then another part of me, realizes that she's really gone, in the ground dead. She's never coming back. I don't think I can go one without her. This is so tough. I can't bear it.

[Maureen]

hey guys,

i've not been here for a little while since my last post here to eagle, took some down time for me to get my head straight about a number of things. i'm happy to hear we have furbabies and featherbabies to keep us comforted, because the people in our lives sure are lacking in the comfort area!

throughout the years, when each of my featherbabies passed away, i slept with them the whole night long, with each little one in my hand snuggled up next to my cheek, apologizing to them for getting them soaking wet as i cried myself to sleep. how i loved them so! a human child could'nt have been any better than my little angels.

it is so very difficult and i feel for each of us who have lost too many people and animals too soon after losing one. it feels to me like someone is shattering my heart each time someone goes "home" and leaves us behind. mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, pets.............. and to have to stay behind is so painful. i can honestly say if i've suffered one pain in this life, it would have to be heartache.

i'm very happy for this forum as we can all "vent", tell happy stories, tell sad stories, and we are all helping each other by doing so. we're all at different stages of grief but the fact that we can share goes so far towards the healing process.

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maureen

Welcome back, sometimes it is good to take some time away. Yes thank goodness for the furbabies, my mare had her baby on 2/2, she had a girl, she is to beautiful :-))) I am thankful that they are both doing well.

I am having a super down day, my Mom's b-day is this Sat. and I am already feeling a heavy dread, I dont want Sat. To come, yet I know it will.

Thanks for listening...

When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Heal? DLF

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

I know how you feel too. My mother's birthday is this Friday. She hasn't been gone for even a month yet. The day after her birthday will be a month. Oh my goodness. I didn't realize. I feel so crappy. I was doing ok early this morning. Then all of a sudden it hit me hard..."She's really gone!!!". No way, I just can't believe it. And this Friday is her b-day. My family wanted to do something, but I just can't bare it. For her b-day she wanted to go out and eat dinner. She planned it and everything. And now that she's gone. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes I think I just want it too swoof past me fast so I can forget it and move on. It just hurts too much. Sometimes I thinking about buying her a card, cake and flowers and visiting her gravesite. But I just can't bear it. Is she really gone? No way, not my mother, the strong woman I know. She would never leave me in a million years ! Sorry but I'm really feeling like crap right now.

[Maylissa]

After my dad died, my mom didn't want to leave this city. But I did. Now that she's gone, I don't want to leave either.

Jen,

I had to respond to these things you said, as I've had similar feelings. On the flip-side, not having lived for 15 years in the same city as my Mom, where I had been born and raised, I'd always wanted to not only go back, but maybe even return to live someday. Now that my Mom, and brother, have died, and my last brother has ruined everything since so that I don't even have what I consider family there, I don't know that I can ever bring myself to go back, even for a visit. I'd feel compelled to drive by my childhood home ( sold ), plus my own, first house...and I know I'd just collapse in tears...for all the memories of how things were before all this tragedy occured. It's going to be very hard, since my husband's family is still there, and he'd like to go back someday.

I just get so mad that they both left me here alone in this awful world. Sometimes I wish they just had an abortion, then I wouldn't have to feel this pain !

There have been many times in my life when I wished I'd never been born, too, but since these losses in particular, and all the family ties being broken for good, this feeling got stronger. In fact, whenever something frightening happens now, it returns with a vengeance. The ironic thing about this for me is that my father DID want me, and my brothers, aborted...so it also feels like he 'won', in a sense, since I'd rather not have had to live with so many sorrows throughout my life.

...and now there's no one. Everyone seemed to just run away. What about you? Have you ran into people like that?

People too often DO 'run away', from death and everything that reminds them of their own and their own loved ones' mortality. All of my former friends and all of my family and relatives abandoned me since my Mother's and brother's deaths. None of them wanted to hear about my sorrow, or the way my brother did so very wrong by all of us. In fact, one of my Mother's sisters has 'taken his side', even though he's clearly a thief, cheat and liar....just to add insult to the injury she'd already done me. I received little to no support from anyone closer to me, and ALL the horrible comments and platitudes came from those people, rather than from ones I didn't know as well. So you're definitely NOT alone in having to suffer from the ignorance of others.

I would say, if it's a relationship you think is worth saving, then you could consider gently telling the offender how you felt about their comment(s), and why, but if it's not, then let the relationship go. If you bring your concern to someone who truly cares for you, they should listen. If they don't want to understand, you'll find out quickly whether you can trust them with your deepest feelings or not. Most people don't say these things to hurt us, but only because they don't ( like many of us before it happens to us, too ) know at all how to properly handle a grief-stricken person and are just repeating stupid things they've heard others say in such situations...AND, most of society has never been educated in what to do or not do concerning death and the bereaved. Their fears about death just come out in stupid ways and unfortunately, no one usually tells them they're in error...and so it goes on, and on, and on....while we suffer in silence.

[eaglesoaring]

Well today was really tough, but made it thru, It was my Mom's B-Day the first sense she has been gone, It is almost over, I was by myself, I sang happy b-day to Mom, and lit a candle for her, then the rain started and hasnt stopped yet.

I am going to try to do something tomorrow that I have not done in years, I am going to the state fair, one of my stallions is going to be shown there and I am going to try to see him show. Just gotta keep the panic attacks away.

Thanks for listening.....

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL HEAL?

[eaglesoaring]

Falling apart, that is how I feel right now, want to cry, have no tears, gee all I did was to hang the door back up, had to take it down so I could get Mom's wheelchair into the bedroom, thought I was ready, guess not......

Thanks for listening.....Debbie

[Maylissa]

Debbie/eaglesoaring,

I'm so sorry you had such hard time with your mother's birthday, but am familiar with that. My Mom's birthday was the last time I saw her, so it's an even harder day for me than her actual death anniversary, when I was home and just waiting for The Call - I didn't have time to get fly there, it all happened so unexepectedly. These special dates are very difficult on us, to be sure.

I'm confused ~ were you trying to get her wheelchair in or out of the bedroom? Whichever one it was, I can well imagine what an emotional task that would be, so full of memories, and probably not the better ones.

I remember I couldn't even take my Mom's dentures home with me when I went to get some of her clothes, as there was blood, or something that looked like it, in the cup they were in, from the rehab. where she died. And yet her dentures were an integral part of her, as she'd had them since I was born - her teeth had crumbled after her pregancy with one of my brothers ( the one who's stolen everything now ). These were the days when some dentists didn't even use Novocaine, so she'd only been given whiskey to have all her teeth pulled in 2 sessions. So there was a complete Mom-story behind her dentures.....but I just couldn't even imagine cleaning up that cup....

These are the kinds of things that often haunt us when we're trying to physically deal with their physical things. I know how harrowing it can be and I hope, someday, we can all gently lay aside the worst memories, in favour of the best ones, and all without falling apart....it's a nice dream and goal anyway.