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getting rid of the loved ones things?


Cathyc

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My brother-in-law is clearing out all my sister's things from her house and keeps asking me to come and take things. It feels much too soon for me (just one month). It feels greedy and its almost like he is disbanding her life and trying to pretend it wasn't there. I know I shouldn't judge him. But can anyone explain to me how he is likely thinking/feeling Also, should I just go and get as much stuff as I can? I can handle packing it and putting it in boxes but I just can't bring myself to sort through it and decide what to keep. Plus, then I can take more time and think about what to give to friends, etc.

I am also concerned that if I don't take things he will just sent it to a thrift shop and then its totally gone. 

Ideally I would able to ask him, but he doesn't response when I ask him about how he is thinking and feeling. Basically, he has gone silent.

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I have read of many grieving souls needing to remove things right away as if it would ease their pain not to see them. I can almost  understand what drives that behavior but it isn't the most thought out plan. We all deal with grief in different ways and our grief is all very different. The sad part is that you can't undo the distribution of things once it's done and that can come back to haunt you. My feeling is that it would be wise to get some of those things that you would as you say might be lost to you. I know it's hard and seems so early yet if he does it, you might have  wished you had. I hope you can find the strength to go over there awkward as it may be. This is just one function in grief that you will go through and I'm sorry for your loss. Please try to understand that it is certainly not greed that would make you do it.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, Cathyc. And I agree with what Katpilot said about how we all deal with our grief in a unique way. A month for most of us would be too soon to deal with our loved ones belongings, but if your BIL feels that this is what he needs to do then I would run (not walk) over to his place and box up whatever you feel may be memories that belonged to your sister and take them to your home. Put the boxes away and only when you are ready can you go through the boxes.

Perhaps even down the line your BIL may be grateful that you saved some things.

A month is way too soon to even know if you are coming or going. This is a numbing time ~ a protection for the people who have lost someone so precious. There will be a time when the “fog” lifts and everyone will see clearer and then it will be time to look through the things saved.

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All I know is different people grieve and handle it differently, but I can't explain what I don't understand.  I would ask him to slow down until I could be there to "help decide" and mention that I might want some of her belongings to remember her by.  I heard of a guy that threw his wife's stuff away same week she died and moved.  I guess he couldn't handle looking at it, but everyone tried to tell him it was mistake.

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Dear CathyC I am so sorry or the loss of your sister.I echo all that is written here. Your BIL is not thinking straight and why would he be? He is grief stricken and quite possibly angry too and probably finds seeing so much of your beloved sister's belongings just too painful. He is possibly angry because, irrationally he feels your sister has abandoned him and it is his way of hitting back. This damned grief business is akin to crazy, certainly the closest to madness I've ever felt and makes us behave in ways our 'normal' selves would never contemplate.

As Katpilot said it is wise to get some of your sister's belongings whilst you can as once they are gone they are gone. I think the best you can do is a salvage operation if he won't open up to you and I have a feeling he will thank you for it down the line. Of course you don't have to look and sort everything that is far too painful, but as long as her most precious items are kept, photos/letters/journals/favorite item of clothing etc but don't overlook the precious things such as jewelry or figurines etc. I say this because I would be heartbroken if my son didn't keep my few precious items to pass through the family. Greed doesn't come into it, you are acting out of love for your sister. These are the things your beloved sister enjoyed and I have no doubt she would want them to be appreciated. It is so hard I know. So hard.

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