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I was just inpatient in the psych unit at the hospital for 9 days.  I wasn't sleeping.  I was having so many flashback anxiety and depression events I didn't want to go on anymore.  My son (who is grieving himself for his mother and for his twin baby girls) recognized this in me and got me help.  I feel guilty.  But I felt "safe" and like people understood inpatient.  Now that I am home, the grief hasn't gone anywhere.  The heartache is immense.  But I must go on still without my beloved wife.  It hurts to be in this home.  It hurts to be in our bed.  It hurts to see her things.  I reached 9 months without her while I was hospitalized.  I still don't know how it has been this long nor why it feels so surreal still like it just happened.  And on top of that the passing of my two beautiful premature granddaughters in August is gut wrenching.  Though my son and DIL are now 4 weeks pregnant again... So soon... I'm terrified.  I have a new therapist.  I'm on some new medication.  It's going to take a while to get used to.  I wanted to post, though I feel like I'm not making sense.  When I was inpatient it felt as though the world had stopped and I could breathe and I'm home now and indeed the world is still going on... Without my beautiful bride... Without those beautiful babies (the ones my bride and I lost years ago and my granddaughters).  The world just keeps turning even though my world just seemingly is crushed.  I'm sorry this doesn't make sense.  (Marty, I'm sorry I just apologized when a while ago you asked me not to).  I'm trying.  

Peace to all of us here...
Butch
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My dear Butch, it's okay. This is one place where you can say whatever is on your mind, without fear of judgment or reproach. We love you and we accept you exactly as you are. It's good to know that you found nine days of respite care. I only wish you could have found more. But that is not the way real life goes. It goes on, whether we want to go along with it, or not. Just know that when you are here with us, you are safe. You are among kindred spirits. No need to explain, or to apologize. Share with us whatever is in your heart. We understand. We care. We are here for you. Always. Welcome home. 

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Grief does things like that to us Butch.  It makes you think your going crazy and sometimes those are the good days. When I look back at things I wrote years ago when I was new to this site, I wonder how I ever made it this far. But I did get this far.  One day, trust me, it will be better. Tools you pick up on he way and time in itself will get you to that better place. I'm sorry for the anguish you are feeling now but you are not alone. Believe me, you are NOT alone. There are hugs all over this place, and they are yours to feel.

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Hi Butch,

It’s good to hear that you are home. What a trip this grief journey takes us on. I’m so glad you had a few days of respite and that your son was able to see what you could not. Those of us who know you know what you have been through.

I had to smile when you apologized and then told Marty you were sorry for apologizing. I could have given you Marty’s answer before I read her response to you – those of us who have been around for awhile know what Marty’s comments to us will be. We are safe here and we are free to express ourselves without worry of judgment.

You will continue to survive in this real world because that is who you are. We learn from one another and take comfort in knowing that we are not alone. 

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Butch, as others have said, you are NOT alone. Having just lost my love less than a month ago I've been feeling exactly like you. Yesterday was the worst day since Mat passed, but today I only cried a couple times. Tomorrow may be back to square one but I'm trying and joining this forum has already helped... first day in and I already feel as Marty T said amongst kindred folks. We are all on here because we are grieving over a loved one. It's hard, very hard at times, but you have a son and daughter in law and grandbaby (s) on the way. They need you to be there for them so please don't give up or give in to the demons in your head. I have to remind my own self of this daily as I have 2 sons, 10 and 14, who need me. I'm sorry you are going through this, no one should ever go through this.

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Butch - Just an idea but you may want to ask your doctors about mirtanzipine (remeron) to see if it may be appropriate for you.  My psyciatrist started me on it a few weeks ago and it has helped immensely.  The drig is an antidepressant so it levels the emotions some and it the right dosage will not numb but will still allow grief, it's just not overwhelming.  The drug also has two other side effects that from the sounds of it you could use: 1) when taken at night it helps with sleep and 2) it increases the appetite.  For me it has worked wonders.  I'm sleeping eight to nine hours a night and I've stopped losing weight.

Not playing doctor just throwing out ideas.

Glad you're home and my heart goes out to your son.  What a load to carry.

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Oh my dear Butch,

I am so proud of you!  It was hard for you to post,  but you did it!  You even beat me to it (I was volunteering at the senior site today).  It is okay to feel exactly as you do, not only okay, but to be expected!

I don't think Butch will give up, he has his family to hang in there for.  It's just he has had so much tragedy in his family, so much loss, more than the rest of us, and all combined, it's taking it's toll.  Butch we surround you with our love and prayers and wish we were there in person to put our arms around you.  Know that you are loved and accepted here.

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Hi Butch,

Been praying and continue t pray for you daily. Each of us need to find our way and seek wise counsel in the process.  This grief is so gut wrenching at times.  Many have shared that there will be better days but it is so hard to imagine when the grief is so bitter.  My wife passed away suddenly almost 8 months ago.  And for many months I was in such shock, all i could do was just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. 

We all care for you and understand your pain.  Many times I feel torn between two worlds, the past with my wife and the present. By much grief work, sharing, praying, learning, and giving there have been some glimpses of better days.I just returned from a four day mini-retreat last weekend.  I will be writing about it soon in my post "Shock and AWE" I need to get through some take and healthcare paperwork first. Look for your way through this grief.  I took the advice of friends here to get plenty of sleep( i needed sleep medicine initially,,exercise (movement), eat healthier, and take just one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  And I've had relapses where I think I should be better, But feeling are not FACTS, they are just feelings.  Now I just feel them but I don't have to act on them.

For example today, i didn't FEEL like walking. I have been walking for three weeks daily working up to walking 1/2hr a day. My muscles were aching, work was tiring, etc.. Even though I didn't FEEL like it,  I walked anyway.  I told myself, I would walk even five minutes.  I ended up walking 20 minutes. 

It's a small example but I'm learning to live in today and as I can deal with the grief of losing my wife. I say the Serenity Prayer allot as it keeps me grounded on keeping eye on the important things in life. 

      "God grant me the serenity to:

        accept the things I can not change,

        The courage to change the things I can,

        and the WISDOM to know the difference."

 

We all will continue to pray, love, hug, share and we want to hear from you. 

You are never alone! 

Shalom,

George 

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Dear Butch, it is so good to hear from you - I have thought about you often and searched on here for a post from you. 

I imagine being in hospital was like being in a little 'bubble' and now you are back home, you are surrounded by the familiar things that remind you so of your beloved wife. Everything we took for granted as the mundane, everyday objects now take on a whole new meaning and have the power to hurt us like hell. Even the passage of time feels surreal some moments are like yesterday and others like watching a movie of someone else's life. The memories are both near and far depending on the day, the hour, the minute. Last Saturday was my late Mom's Birthday Butch. She died suddenly in May 2014. I was still grieving for her when my husband suddenly passed this August. Now I don't know where the grief begins and ends it is one soggy tear stained  circle with no exit. 

Like you, I hate the world turning whilst ours has stopped. All we do know is that your wonderful Son and DIL need you so much, now more than ever; Winston Churchill said 'When you are going through hell....keep going' You are doing your very best Butch and that's good enough.

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Dear Butch,

My heart goes out to you.  I am glad you were able to be an inpatient for a while, although maybe a few more days might have helped more.  When we are grieving so very deeply, sometimes we need to let others help us through our days.  I used to ask my grief counselor every time if I was crazy, because things felt so mixed up, broken apart, unfamiliar, and out of balance.  Nothing felt normal any more, for how could it?   And for you, these losses have added up to the point where you needed to have a respite from trying to make it through the days by yourself.  What you are feeling is intense grief, and your feelings are normal, even if life is not at all normal right now.  

I am glad you got some help, and I hope you will always come here to vent, to share, and to let us know how you are doing.  I truly do feel that we are walking this grief journey together, so many of us here.  We may come and go here around our healing fire that Marty keeps for us, but we are all making our way as best we can toward enough healing, and enough grief work, to be able to go on with more peace and a greater sense of wholeness again.  It is not easy.  We have come this far, and over time, even on days when we take the tiniest steps, or slip back a bit, we are having the courage to stay on this journey.

I am glad you are here with us, sharing and staying open to the soft, healing energy that your heart is opening to accept.  Sometimes it hurts a lot, as we slowly cherish, accept, and begin to feel our own way again, but no matter what, we are here with you on this journey, as you have been here for us.  When we have had years and years of wonderful happiness, facing this much pain is not easy, but we do know it is a part of life, just as climbing mountains means we will need to make our way into the next valley at some time.  I don't think I ever fully understood how life could have such incredible ups and downs until Doug left.  

We are all holding you in our hearts, and sending you loving, healing energy, as well as 

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I don't know what to say except I'm deeply humbled by your compassion.  Love to each of you.  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I slept four hours last night.  Remeron, Klonopin, and Topamax calm me some but still giving me headaches and lack of appetite and nausea.  My Little Man has stayed cuddled next to me... Follows me everywhere.  He loved his long walk with me today.  He kept looking back making sure I was still there with him.  

 

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Butch,

i am relatively new to this site so I don't have the luxury to have been along this ride as many others have.

Seems to me that your son was in the right place at the right time for you, you obviously raised him well. 

The losses you describe are beyond comprehension to me. You have every right to how you feel. Just know that there are a lot of shoulders to lean on and ears to listen. I can't offer anything other than a shoulder or an ear, I am so new to this. 27 days, 20 hours. 

I wish you all the best, and hope your struggles ease up sooner than later.

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I'm sure Little Man is happy to have you home, they are great companions, aren't they!

I hope tonight brings you even more sleep...four hours just doesn't seem enough.

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Butch - 

I'm sorry to hear the Remeron didn't work for you. It is important to find something to help with both sleep and appetite. For me there is such a direct relationship between sleep and how I cope the following day. 

Glad you got a long walk in. My walks through the Autumn leaves serves as a replenisher for my soul. 

I'm hoping you get some rest. We are concerned for you. 

Brad

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Butch,

What would Mary say to you about being so angry with yourself?  What would you say to Mary if roles were reversed?  Please try to give yourself the same patience and understanding that Mary would give you...and that you would give her.

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Dear Butch,

I recently started a writing course, aimed at working on grief.  Our last assignment was to write about Kindness for ourselves. The moderator sent out an email to us all about what she was reading and how common it was for us who grieve to give kindness to ourselves.  I am SO guilty of it.  I can have so much understanding and kindness for everyone else, except myself.  Grief seems to exaggerate some of our own personal qualities.  You have been through so very much, and yet you are standing strong.  I am so glad to still have you here amongst all of us.  I don't really comment too much, but I do read all the posts, and empathize so much with each and every one. We are our own worst critics.  Be kind and gentle with yourself, Butch.  We are all here to listen.

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I've read everyone's kind replies.  Yet I'm lost for words.  My heart is so overwhelmed with feeling hurt anger fear and I want to be able to write about this pain but for the life of me words are so far from me.  And that makes this pain worse.  Lonely.  Hopeless.  

Im thinking the medication is making things frozen and numb.  I just can't release this pain and grief.   Yes I'm sleeping more.  But I'm stuck.  It is the worst most loneliest feeling.  Like pressure building and no release.  

:( 

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It is hard to describe the hurt and pain of grief. As you say, it's overwhelming. Maybe you are experiencing the adjustment to your medication. Usually the doctor will adjust medications until a successful one is found. Often my grief makes me feel frozen and numb. Then the pain returns and I don't think I can bear it any longer. I cry out for my husband especially when I'm alone. It's been a year and I'm still I pain.

The things that help me are going out and being with understanding people. My husband wanted me to go out and make friends. That's what I've been pushing myself to do. I'm in therapy, go to a weekly grief group and participate in two online grief groups. When I'm home alone I really feel the absence of my husband - it's awful. My dog is a great comfort to me. I don't have any children and my parents are dead. I do reach out to others by making phone calls. Sometimes the best I can do is rest in bed with the tv on and my dog by my side. 

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Butch, 

Yet you are living through it and that is something.  The medication may be numbing you but that's not necessarily bad...maybe that's what you need right now, in time, perhaps you will be more ready to experience and release it.

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Dear Butch,

I join your other friends here to tell you that we love you, and that we continue to pray for you every day.  I have not written on the forum lately due to health happenings and changes in my life and home, yet you and others here are in my heart and on my mind.  I'm glad you had a bit of a respite, and along with others, I wish the length of time could have been longer.   May our Lord hold you up and close tenderly.  

Blessings and Warm hugs,

Carrie

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Butch is in the hospital with cardiac problems...please, everyone pray for him!  Thank you, I'll keep you posted as I know more.

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