What do you do to help yourself?

[Degasgirl]

It's been about 3 months since my mom passed away. Next week I start a grief support group for daughters without mothers. I'm looking forward to it as I'm sure it will be helpful. I feel extremely stressed lately and very emotional. I've been getting migraine headaches and very tight neck and shoulder muscles. This past weekend I did go for a massage. I feel like I really need to focus on and take care of myself now. I'm planning to try some yoga and meditation classes. Just wondering what all of you do to help yourselves? I'm hoping to learn how to focus on inner peace. 

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm sure others will have dozens of ideas for you on caring for yourself, but for starters, please see these blog posts, written by two of our very own GHDG members:

Meditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve by Bill's Mary (mfh)

Voices of Experience: Reflections for A Grieving Heart by Anne (enna)

See also some of the posts in our Tools for Healing forum, as well as the pins you'll find in our Tools for Healing Pinterest board.

And see 40 Ideas for Incorporating Self-Care Into Your Life

 

[kayc]

There are a lot of links for meditation on this site, many of them Anne (Enna) posted on the "tools" section.  It does help, plus I walk my dog twice a day, spend time in nature, soothing music or sounds, eat healthy, drink plenty of water and herbal teas.  I hope the grief support group is helpful to you!  A lot of people journal or blog too.

[Harleyquinn]

i workout... a lot...running levels my mood and emotions out. swimming just kind of puts my mind at peace. 

I plan on taking some meditation classes as well.

[MariesGirl1953]

I smoke cigarettes and slef harm.... I known its awful about the self harming but it relieves stress and I feel like I'm in control...

[Mom's angel]

Mariesgirl, 

I lost my mom on 20th November 2015, I was 20 at that time, I'm 21 now. 

I was so close to her, we lived together, she was and still is my world, 

There are things that she wanted me to achieve in life,  I've thought about giving up many times, I also tried running away to some place alone, there were many times in my grief journey so far where I was constantly thinking about suicide,

But I didn't, because I knew somewhere around me.. My mother is watching me and this were not the things she wanted me to do, 

It's not easy to lose mothers, they are the one's who brought you in the world, they are the one who always wished the best for us, the one who will feel the pain of our injury, 

Mariesgirl, mother are another form of god, there love and care for us doesn't end with their death, 

We might not be able to see them, but our mothers are always with us, they can see us, feel our pain.

Self harming is double painful for our mothers who's souls are constantly with us and watching over us, 

They have suffered a lot before their death and it's not good to make them suffer more,

All our parents want is to see their children happy, healthy and doing good in life.

If you get what I'm trying to say.

[kayc]

Also, try to give yourself something to look forward to, even if small.  It helps.

[MariesGirl1953]

Kyac I know exactly what you're trying to say and I see it now. When I was doing it I didn't realize it would actually hurt her more... I feel awful now... I know she is always with me and looking after me. I love and miss her so much more than anything

[Athos]

This might sound harsh, but I think of some of the nasty comments my mother said to me,

arguments and unpleasantness over the years. I still miss her  but I feel better after I

remember some of the most negative or annoying times. It works for me.

[kayc]

That sounds like "controlled grief", nothing wrong with that!  You're trying to keep it at bay with memories...and when you're more able, you can incorporate the good things, miss her, and it will be okay.

[MariesGirl1953]

I think I have completed grief too

[kayc]

Do you mean complicated grief?  Because grief doesn't seem "complete", it evolves & changes form, but the missing them continues.

[Clematis]

At this point I am living like in a cocoon at my dad's condo, venturing out when I have to-like to go to work. But I feel terrified about the prospect of really doing the gargantuan task of going through his things, consolidating my things and his and moving back into my own condo with my stuff and his. I am starting to get to a place where I feel ok as long as I don't think too much about the future and how I will get through these changes. I think that's like a combination of living in the past and denial. I'm not sure that's helping myself. I have five weeks before I really have to start working on it. Maybe I should relax and stop fretting for the five weeks. Worrying just gets me into an anxious state.

A bass player friend told ms Monday  that I should do four things every day that were good for me-or to make me feel good. Four? I nodded my head but am stumped. But today I did a little painting and contacted my cello teacher about helping me with the cello part of Roses From The South, and I do have a new rose bush...not exactly four a day, but it's something...

[Clematis]

Maybe I'll feel better in five weeks and able to take on the job of sorting and moving. I do feel better now than I did before; the first month I was falling a lot, losing things constantly, dreaming every night that I could still save him, crying and ending statements by wailing "...and he's not coming back!" Then for two months I felt flattened and deflated, and it seemed that emotionally I was like a wet kleenex hanging in the wind, ready to shred at the least stress and either start crying or becoming defensively irritable. Now I think I've turned a corner and feel sad and tired but not exhausted. I feel worried about the long-term future without my dad, and the summer's big job of having to sort things and move.

I feel resentful that my summer will be totally given up to working and I'll have no time to paint or even to rest, that I'll be working like a dog to get all this done. But maybe that's fear talking and not reality. I have a team of people lined up to help me. The only reason they're not here now is that I made the decision to really just back it all off until I have the time to really focus on it, because I'm off school for the summer. Maybe that is taking care of myself and I should just relax and enjoy being in my dad's space. Maybe if I don't spend the next five weeks fretting, I'll feel stronger and more able to actually move this summer...

 

[MartyT]

I hope you will listen to and heed the wise advice you're giving to yourself, Laura 

[kayc]

Laura,

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  Spend a certain number of hours a week this summer working on it but make sure you also keep plenty of time for YOU.  And take a vacation this summer when you focus on doing nothing but enjoying yourself.  I think you'll find a whole summer will be ample time.  Do you have a friend that can help you with the heavy lifting (furniture)?  It's the emotional part that will be the most taxing and you'll need to listen to your inner voice. 

Perhaps take what you want to keep, and call St. Vinnie's to come get the rest, they'll bring a big truck and load up whatever you don't want.

[Clematis]

Thank you Marty!  I think you're right...even though I can see I'm starting to get a little stronger, it's not the time to push myself like a maniac. For that matter, it might be good if I planned on taking a reasonable pace through the summer as well...work on the estate/move project at a steady rate, but save time for a little painting and playing music every day. It's funny-now that I think about it, I've been totally focused on my dad trying to save his live and then his loss. But maybe this is really where most of my strength comes from-my identity,drive, and actual activity as an artist. That is actually the thing that has driven me and made me want to get up in the morning every day since I was a teenager-I wanted to paint! 

[Clematis]

I think you're right, Kay. I keep thinking that I am all alone, when the truth is that over the past months of floundering around I have assembled a team of people who are ready to start once summer starts. And I already have a trip planned to go to Maui to paint, hike, play the ukulele, etc.

I have a couple of offers from men who can move furniture, I have carpeting for my house picked out, I have two landscaper/gardeners to help with that stuff, and several people who are willing to come and sit with me-hold my hand and keep me focused while I sort through stuff... I guess I can't stop myself from fretting. Thanks!