Well...I guess I belong here too....

[Harleyquinn]

I normally hang out at the Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other boards... my ex husband passed July 1, 2015 and it's been devastating. 

a couple of weeks ago, I found out my father has been diagnosed with alzheimer's. 

I live a state away so it is difficult not being near by. I depend a lot on family keeping me updated... today I received a phone call that he fell for the second time this week, and my mother took him to the ER because he hit his head when he fell

He is losing his balance a lot and Drs have told him to start using a walker...unfortunately he lets his pride get in the way and refuses.  I wish I could push him to do what the Drs say- but he won't talk to any of his kids about his medical issues. He only wants to deal with my Mother... they are both in their 70's, so she is dealing with medical issues of her own. They have 5 children - but won't allow any of us to help. So frustrating... I know he thinks by keeping us in the dark he is not stressing us out..but it's more stressful not be able to help 

Edited October 15, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn of your father's health issues, Harleyquinn, and I know it's hard to offer help to parents from a distance ~ especially when your dad prefers to keep you in the dark. I don't know if any of your siblings live closer to your folks than you do, or if one or more of them is comfortable using the Internet, but there are resources "out there" that can help. See, for example, CaringBridge: Creating a Network of Online Support and Caregiving in Serious Illness: Suggested Resources.

[Harleyquinn]

thank you Marty.... 3 of my siblings live with them..... however, I don't have much confidence in their ability to care for him. One of my sisters actually encourages his refusal to use a walker. The other is on disability due to back issues, so if he was to fall- she would not be able to lift him up..... and the other lives there with her husband and I swear they are just in their own world. My brother, does not live with them but lives nearby and is pretty emotionally disconnected from the family. 

Edited October 15, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

Harleyquinn,

I'm sorry to learn of your dad's health issues.  It is hard when you live a ways away.

One thing I wanted to mention, your sister might have valid reason for discouraging his use of the walker.  When my mom was falling, the doctor made them take her walker away and she was restricted solely to wheelchair use after that.  Of course, the lack of mobility limited what little sense of independence she had left and it was kind of downhill after that, but they did it for her own good...the last time she fell her whole face was black and blue, not to mention the rest of her.  Her Leukemia probably contributed to the bruising.  If your dad falls it's best they call 911 for help as you need professionals to assess the damage...it's never a good idea to just start moving someone if you don't know what to look for and check first.  I hope he has FireMed and good insurance.  My sister is prone to falling and too big for me to lift, but we've had to call 911 for her more than once.  That's what it's there for.

Have you called his doctor and talked with him about when hospice might be called in for help?  Hospice is good at contacting family, even if out of state, and providing support and solutions.  I'm very appreciative of their help!

Alas I know all too well the red tape...not with my mom so much but with my other sister, she is quadriplegic and we're fighting to get the kind of wheelchair she needs...they've bogged the request down for months in paperwork, etc.  Ugh!

I am sorry for what you are going through.  It can be emotionally exhausting worrying about a parent from a distance.  It's also frustrating to not be able to "fix" their situation.  Sometimes all we can do is offer bandaid solutions, but something is better than nothing, and of course it helps them to know we care.  Send a card, call him, visit when you can get some leave.  It helps to come here and get it all off your chest too.  

 

[Harleyquinn]

just to update on 11/13/2015 my father found out he also has prostate cancer. unfortunately we do not know much yet (if it's spread etc) 

to be honest - with everything that has happened- Michael passing and my father.. i've just gone numb. i haven't cried for Michael in over a week now, although I still think about him daily... i feel like my entire emotional center has just shut down 

[kayc]

HQ,

My FIL had prostrate cancer three separate times and didn't die from it, he received treatment, so let's hope hope your father's is treatable and he survives it.  You have our full support here and of course you're welcome to state any fears and concerns you may have, we'll understand!  I'm sorry you're going through all this.

As you probably already well know, crying tears doesn't necessarily correlate with how much you love and miss someone...many people grieve without tears, many with.  Of course you're feeling numb right now, how could you not?!  You're on overload.  (((hugs)))

[sharirouse]

OH I understand that completely. My dad never told me how sick he truly was. I appreciate but then Im like "DAD WHY!?" 

Do you think you could just tell him directly how you feel? My dad lived alone but I was his regular caretaker when his nurse wasnt there and I was at college. Neither parent knew how much I was struggling with my dad being sick, I hid it so well that I didnt even know how much it had been affecting me. Anywho, I showed up at his house one day at 11pm, crying and told him how I felt. Hopefully he will listen. I think my dad knew that I did it out of love, not being a jerk. I had threatened him with a feeding tube cause I thought he just wasnt eating. His digestive tract had died. How terrible of me! But I know he had to of known. 

[Clematis]

I know what you mean-my dad also withheld a lot from me about his health and how he was doing. Early on, when I coaxed him from PA to AZ in 2006, my sisters knew that he had Parkinsons Disease (and was an alcoholic); I think that's part of why they were so happy I wanted to take him on. He had to have known as well, but acted (a little) surprised when I took him to a neurologist who gave him the diagnosis (again) in 2007. My sisters told me that they knew this all along, when they came out for his memorial a month ago. But it's not my fault-they all knew and kept it from me.

It's not your fault that you were missing a lot of information about your dad. I think a lot of men are good at toughing it out and trying to look strong--especially for their daughters. As my dad went downhill there were a lot of things he never told me; I figured out a lot of things after he died, now that I am living in his house going through his things and affairs. A lot of these things I could helped him with, but he never told me. For example, he had people selling him supplements and drawing a lot of money out his account every month. I found a huge pile of these bottles. He couldn't swallow the pills, but couldn't figure out how to get it stopped.

I used to really push my dad-to exercise, move around more, get out of the house, eat more, eat something other than pudding. I would tell him that people were always telling me that I should "leave him alone-let him rest-he's an old man". This went on for ten years, and I would wonder if maybe they were right. So I would ask him if I was being mean to him to push him and want him to believe my belief that he could get stronger. He always had the same answer, "No, keep pushing me-it's the only thing that keeps me going!" My sisters on the other hand, weren't having any qualms about what was right or wrong or too much. They weren't around. They didn't make mistakes or have regrets because they didn't do anything. And although he never said anything about it, how could he not know? 

He knew that I loved him whether I was begging, beseeching, yelling at him, or threatening him with what the consequences would be if he didn't do...whatever. But he was going downhill and couldn't tell me. I think it was just more than he could do-to tell me that he was barely hanging on. I think, like you, that he had to have known more than he said at the end. I didn't know and he didn't want me to know. I felt badly that I wasn't with him when he died, but I think that's what he wanted, since he died shortly after I left, and never spoke a word with anyone after I left that last day. I felt badly at first that I didn't say goodbye to him, but then realized that I was really saying goodbye for the ten years that I took care of him.

Sharirouse, had you not loved your dad, you wouldn't have been there trying whatever you could think of...and he had to have known that you cared.