Still difficult times

[jame57]

Hello dear friends,

I've not posted for a while I know but it's not because things have been ok, I just seem to have lost myself again in this grief maze.  I just need to know I'm not going mad (I know I've asked that before but with a combination of dark evenings, grey autumnal days and deep, deep sorrow I can't seem to claw my way out of the dark pit I've fallen into.

Mum died 16 months ago and I know I've been assured that grief takes a long time and that it's ok to cry but right now I just feel I can't take it at times.

I spoke to someone last night over the phone and they said "if tou're still like this after all this time you're obviously ill".  I didn't react to that but afterwards became really worried that I really can't cope with things.  I just can't reassure myself as I usually do that I'm doing the best I can given I was so close to mum and we gave each other reassurance when we were worried.  One of the cats has been very ill and although the vets is very pleased with her, she's on meds and I'm constantly worried I'll lose her too.   My brother has been marvellous and paid for the vet and although he says not to worry about the money I do as I feel such a burden on him.  I must add that I still cope well with work and apart from my "catastrophic thinking" (where I assume the worst outcome for everything).  The grief I thought I had come begun to get used to, that it comes in waves etc but all these other worries on top of it have crushed me. I do have calm times and try to tell myself I'm not clinically depressed (my doctor reassured me on this a couple of weeks ago).  I'm not suicidal but often wish I was with mum and dad in heaven.   I get lonely but only they could make that ok.   Mornings, Sundays and public holidays are still by far the worst although there is some degree of crying each and every day.  I try to tell myself that crying is ok and that it's good to release these emotions and that it's just the love making itself heard.  I do worry that I'm letting mum and dad down and that as a grown 52-yr old I'm probably seen as pathetic by those who just don't get it but I don't care what others think.  I just want them to understand.

Sorry for going on and on.  I'm not "fishing for pity" just some encouragement from my dear friends in grief.  That it's still ok to be where I am in my journey.

One thing did happen yesterday which made me feel comforted for a while before I doubted myself.  I took some lovely flowers to their grave and sat and talked (and cryed) to them for quite a while.  I asked them to give me a sign they were still with me (no feathers lately but did see a Robin at my brother's house).  The family love cats and when I walked through the gate leaving the cemetary a black and white cat was stood next to my car.  I turned to shut the gate, looked around again and it was nowhere in sight.

I took that as the sign but soon began to doubt it.  I even doubt myself there you see.

Bless you all.    

  

Edited November 2, 2015 by jame57

[kayc]

James,

I'm sorry.  I wish you'd hung up on the person.  Ill?!!  The person has no clue about grief, so why listen to them?!  Your doctor diagnosed you as clinically depressed?  Is this doctor trained in grief?  Because if you'll read articles on grief written by grief experts, they tell you that while we FEEL depressed, it's not true depression, grief brings on such symptoms but it is natural and normal.  That's why it's out of line to TREAT this as depression.  Instead we have to do our grief work.  Work towards acceptance, experience our pain, express ourselves, get grief counseling, go to grief support groups, do something to honor the one we lost.  

I don't think people who have not gone through this CAN understand.  

I don't know if you read other poster's threads much, but it might help you to, you'd see there are other that believe in signs and it'd help you not to doubt yourself so much.  Your feelings are a normal response to grief.

[jame57]

Hi Kayc,

I've edited my post as it did appear to say my doctor thought I am clinically depressed but she assured me otherwise.  I was shocked to be told it's not grief but that I was clearly ill!  I know I'm not but when someone says this you begin to doubt yourself.  I realise I've developed a pattern of catastrophic thinking and at least can look at reputable online help guides.  It may help in that respect.  I'm somewhat calmer at the moment I'm glad to say.  I must get back to meditation as that helped before.  Obviously it doesn't stop the pain of loss but can begin to take  the edge off my anxiety.  I wonder if I actually suffer from GAD as well.  It might explain a lot.  Thanks for your reply.

[MartyT]

Comments like these are so hurtful, especially when we are hurting already ~ and unless you have the confidence and self esteem of a giant, of course they can produce self-doubt. Good for you for looking for reputable and reliable online help guides to counteract such feelings. I'm a firm believer in learning all we can about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief. Grief is NOT a pathological condition! Certainly grief can make us feel "crazy," because (especially if this is our first encounter with significant loss), we are completely unfamiliar with the thoughts, feelings and reactions it engenders, much less how to manage them. That is why it is so helpful to learn all we can about the normal grief process, and to be with others who are grieving, too. People here understand because we're all "in the same boat," having had thoughts, feelings and reactions that are very similar to your own.

You might find it helpful to try some of the suggestions presented in this article: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[kayc]

I'm glad that wasn't your doctor's intention, and that is cleared up.  I think it helps to not put so much stock by what others think as what we know to be true within ourselves.

[jame57]

Thank you for your replies.  I went to see my counsellor last night and felt nice and calm when I arrived but was a wreck when I left as the first thing they said was "you've not paid last month's bill" ( I had and later proved it).  It just made me crumble and I was not calm for an hour or so.  It seemed like an anxiety/panic attack but my counsellor knows my situation and has seen me for over a year so why ask like that?  Do you think I over-reacted?

[kayc]

For someone with anxiety, I can see you getting upset, however, it depends on how they broached you with it.  If they softly and nicely said, "We don't show payment from you, are you planning to pay soon?"  that's one thing, but if they came on the attack and said, "You haven't paid your bill, we need you to pay up!" then that would be more unsettling.  A good deal of communication is tone of voice, and how someone looks/moves, so more than the words, HOW it was stated makes a difference.

Try not to give it any more thought, it was just a mistake.

[jame57]

Hi Kayc,

It was said quite plainly "hello, you've not paid your bill" and not in a pleasant tone.  I'm past it now but will rethink things about continuing with them.  No apology either when they saw that I had paid.  No sense hanging on to the worry and will just put it down to poor judgement.

[MartyT]

You might also consider letting your counselor know how that exchange felt to you, my friend. Such feedback is important, and I think your counselor should know how this misunderstanding has affected you. Clearly your feelings about it can get in the way of any future relationship you might decide to have with your counselor. It seems to me that, at the very least, you do deserve an apology, if not an explanation for what seems to me an inappropriate way to handle a question about your bill, and I think you owe it to yourself to say so.  

[kayc]

I think I'd call and leave a message for the counselor to call me back, same day!  I would want to let her know it was imperative.  After voicing myself, I would then decide if I wished to continue with that counselor or find another one.  It's always hard starting over, but it's also important to have a right fit.  You are deserving of respect.  No way should that exchange have continued without an apology!  I worked in offices all my life, did collections, and how you treat people is of utmost important to your own personal success.

[jame57]

Hello, thanks for your replies.  I'm trying to put it to the back of my mind and I will certainly tell her next week how it felt.  Just back in from work and feeling stressed....seems there's so much to do and I tend to get anxious but I know I'm coping.  I looked at my journal entry for a year ago today and I wondered then how I'd cope but here I am a year later......many of the same worries over money etc yet I'm still here!  I need to be kinder to myself and say "it's fine to cry and not feel great"  I am where I am in this journey.  Thanks for all your help and reassurance.....this forum is my lifeline.

A big hug to you all.

 

[kayc]

I know James, I feel the same issues, anxiety about money, how I'm going to do everything, yet ten years after my husband died, I'm still here, haven't starved, still have a roof over my head (although that was questionable at one time).