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Coping with Loss? Not sure... odd behavior


LBennett

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My mom passed away in the early part of 2014 from Alzheimer's complications. I used to be very close to my family up until a few years ago. I've got older siblings, but I've separated myself from them and I'm not sure exactly why.
I hardly ever see any of them and haven't seen my dad in over 6 months. I can't think about my mom or see pictures of her without getting teary-eyed. I loved her, of course despite everything I went through. Sometimes, when I want to cry, I go over in my head all the mean and hateful things that were said and done. Is this a coping mechanism??
Part of me keeps playing over and over all the stupid (yet mentally & emotionally) damaging things through my childhood. I had controlling parents and did not get the chance to develop my own personality, likes/dislikes, etc. It's taken me a long time to figure out what those are. I still am not sure. 
My siblings don't seem to understand why I don't really keep in contact. After finding friends and seeing other families that are accepting and nonjudgmental, it's hard to want to stay in contact with my family who are just that way.
Anyone else go through this, too?

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You don't say how old you are, but if you could talk to a school counselor or grief counselor, it might be of help to you.  I'm not qualified to analyze you as to whether or not that is a coping mechanism or not.

I hope you can get some therapy to help you figure things out and where you want to go from here.  I know how hard it is growing up in a dysfunctional family.  While I wouldn't throw my family out, I do want to say that I think it's important for you to do what is in your best interest...the tricky part sometimes if figuring out what that is.

Maybe you can tell your siblings just what you've said here, that it's important for you to spend time where you're accepted, not judged.  See what they say, maybe they'd be willing to try and back off a bit just to have some contact with you.  Maybe start out with short times with them and see how it goes.

Good luck to you!

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On November 24, 2015 at 5:48:18 PM, LBennett said:

My mom passed away in the early part of 2014 from Alzheimer's complications. I used to be very close to my family up until a few years ago. I've got older siblings, but I've separated myself from them and I'm not sure exactly why.
I hardly ever see any of them and haven't seen my dad in over 6 months. I can't think about my mom or see pictures of her without getting teary-eyed. I loved her, of course despite everything I went through. Sometimes, when I want to cry, I go over in my head all the mean and hateful things that were said and done. Is this a coping mechanism??
Part of me keeps playing over and over all the stupid (yet mentally & emotionally) damaging things through my childhood. I had controlling parents and did not get the chance to develop my own personality, likes/dislikes, etc. It's taken me a long time to figure out what those are. I still am not sure. 
My siblings don't seem to understand why I don't really keep in contact. After finding friends and seeing other families that are accepting and nonjudgmental, it's hard to want to stay in contact with my family who are just that way.
Anyone else go through this, too?

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your painful loss. I know that's so cliche haha, but I just want you to know that I feel for you.

As for the coping, I'm not a counselor so I can't say, however what I can tell you is-I do it all the time. I want to cry because everything builds up inside, but some part of myself isn't letting me. I have to think of sad triggers for the situation to make me cry so I can feel just a little bit better.

With your family, it's perfectly normal to not want to be around those particular people. When you're grieving a loss, the last thing you want or need is feeling judged/unacceptable. It just makes you even more overwhelmed than you might possibly be already.

Hopefully I helped a little.. I try :) 

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On 11/24/2015, 8:41:42, kayc said:

You don't say how old you are, but if you could talk to a school counselor or grief counselor, it might be of help to you.  I'm not qualified to analyze you as to whether or not that is a coping mechanism or not.

I hope you can get some therapy to help you figure things out and where you want to go from here.  I know how hard it is growing up in a dysfunctional family.  While I wouldn't throw my family out, I do want to say that I think it's important for you to do what is in your best interest...the tricky part sometimes if figuring out what that is.

Maybe you can tell your siblings just what you've said here, that it's important for you to spend time where you're accepted, not judged.  See what they say, maybe they'd be willing to try and back off a bit just to have some contact with you.  Maybe start out with short times with them and see how it goes.

Good luck to you!

Thank you for your reply

I am 47 years old and the youngest of 4.  I've had counseling before (for depression) but not this.  I think this may be something I have to pursue.

I've told them before that I feel judged and like I'm under a microscope, but they deny that.  Thanksgiving actually went very well so we will see how it progresses.  Thanks again!

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I'm glad Thanksgiving went well this time!  It's so important to stand up for ourselves.  Sometimes family has to be "trained" to show respect.  I was the youngest while my three older sisters were at home.  One of them in particular seems to think she's my mother.  When my husband died, she repeatedly told me I needed to sell my home and move to Portland (where she lives).  I'm a country girl, I like nature and animals, not cement and shopping.  Just saying!  I told her over and over again that we are different, that we're told not to make major changes the first year (I'd extend that time actually).  STILL she harangued me!  Finally I told her, "Look, Polly, tell you what, when YOUR husband dies, I'll tell YOU what to do!"  It was harsh, but the only way I could get her attention.  I don't think she called me for a year, but she got over it.  Sometimes it's just up to us to set boundaries for people in a way that we know they'll get it.  Not trying to be mean, I love her and appreciate her, but enough is enough already!

I hope you get some good pointers in therapy, if you learn something that really hits you, maybe you'll share it with us? :)  Good luck with it!

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