1st Anniversary of Mother's Passing and Relationship Ends

[Roger_Ramjet]

Hugs to you!

[ChinUp54]

Thanks Roger!

[kayc]

ChinUp,

I understand...Harleys are a trigger for me (XH), it's funny how a sight, sounds or smell can bring you right back to a moment in time...

You're right to let yourself experience and then go through it.  It'll get better.

[Clematis]

It seems to me that smells and sounds (including music) are among the most powerful triggers there are for totally taking you back in time. It's like those kinds of stimuli-smells and sounds-are deeper and they take you straight back with no filter, like as in something that required more conscious cognitive processing (such as something you might read). That's how it seems to me anyway...

[kayc]

I read an article on it once, it has something to do with the way the brain handles things, it associates our sensory with events and brings up memories.

[Clematis]

That's really interesting, Kay-do you have any idea what the article was or where it might have come from?

[kayc]

No it's been a long time ago but here's a similar article:
http://www.livescience.com/8426-brain-link-sounds-smells-memory-revealed.html

[ChinUp54]

Hello everyone~

I haven't posted here in quite awhile. Monday was six months since I last spoke with my BF and to date no contact from him.  I have been keeping my promise to myself and haven't tried to contact him either.  Some days are better than others but I do find myself laughing more and not crying nearly as often, if at all.  My heart still aches and I often wonder if I will ever get over this.  The fact of the matter is maybe getting "over" it isn't the focus, but simply continuing on with my life in spite of it is.

Grief is interesting in what it brings out in us.  For a variety of reasons I have been quite selective in who I spend time with or what activities appeal to me lately.  The people in my life who are toxic or needy aren't getting my attention at all. The caretaker in me is feeling as though I'm being rude. I've always been the one people lean on when something happens, but frankly I don't have it in me to take care of anybody else but myself right now.  This has given me some understanding of what he's going through in his own grief.  So I continue to be compassionate in my thoughts of him, but have very strict boundaries with my own life. Right now I'm taking care of me and continuing to spend time with the horses.

I don't recall that I've mentioned it here before, but I am working on a project with regard to horse rescue and really enjoy the women friends I have been making through researching this project. This weekend I will be going to visit a woman who lives on 73 acres and takes in older horses to give them a life of happy retirement.  She currently is care-taking for a horse who has some severe injuries through no fault of his own. They live in a rural area so she is looking forward to the company and I can't wait to meet all of her rescues.  I've met her once before at a fundraising event, and was delighted when she said she would love to have a visitor on Saturday.

Next month I will be going to Arizona to attend an open house at another friend's sanctuary.  I am going a day early so I can help her prepare for the event. She is one of the most grounded, happy and positive energy people I've ever met, and she does amazing work with horses.  She recently purchased a home and barn on 10 acres.  It's amazing to watch these women follow their passions and witness how life-changing it is.

So good days, not so good days and lots of contemplation on what to do next.  I continue to do what makes me smile and am still putting one foot in front of the other a day at a time.

I hope my words help someone else.  Hugs and hope.

[MartyT]

I am so grateful to you for sharing this update, my dear ~ You'll never know how much it may help or inspire someone else. Even if it's only one other person, that in itself is powerful beyond measure. Blessings to you, and thank you  ♥

[kayc]

You are doing everything right, letting yourself grieve, yet moving forward in your life, focusing on YOU, giving yourself the time and attention you need instead of all to everyone else, and devoting yourself to your passion...horses.  You could write a book with what you have learned through this process, and it's amazing you've pretty much done it through instinct and listening to your inner self.  I'm so happy for you and I hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself Saturday with your new friend and all of her rescues!  I've learned to be cautious in relationships (I don't date anymore, but it applies to friendships as well) and more selective and if I see someone is extremely needy and exhausts me, I let them go.  I have also learned to take care of myself first.  That's not being selfish, it's necessary!

[ChinUp54]

It's been a challenging week and it's only Tuesday. A young pup at my barn was killed Sunday evening after jumping the gate and running into the busy street. She was struck by a car and killed instantly. She was 8 months old and such a sweet girl. I had just seen her hours before. Poor sweet girl. She was always so happy and stole carrots that I had brought for my horse. I started bringing an extra carrot just for her. 

Tonight a friend sent a photo to me of my BF from the weekend. He attended his niece's wedding. He is very thin. My guess is he's lost at least 20 pounds. I am concerned about his health. 

I am not sure what to do. 

[kayc]

Only you can decide what is best for you.  That's the key...what is best for YOU.  Can you be friends without it tearing you up inside or causing you to wish for more?  If not, it's best to stay no contact.  If you think you can, it wouldn't hurt to reach out as a friend.  Most people can't do this, I was able to, and only did because I felt he was valuable as a person, as a friend.

[ChinUp54]

Thanks Kayc.  I'm going to think on it for awhile and decide. No need to rush anything.

[ChinUp54]

Another milestone passes - yesterday was 7 months since I last spoke with the BF.  The photo of him that was sent to me by a couple different friends threw me for a loop moreso than I expected.  Seeing him so thin and knowing there is nothing I can do to help or change anything was tough at first but I'm past it.  No, I didn't contact him and am sticking to my original plan of re-evaluating in September.  I reached out to a couple different people who I thought might have information as to his health. This left me feeling frustrated and frankly, angry.  One person rebuked me and it was someone I hardly expected to do so.  Her response was why are you backtracking after you've made so much progress.  I was so angry I didn't respond, but went through all of my FB friends and changed statuses of most everyone that knows us both, limiting the information I receive and publish.  I felt like I needed to protect myself.  I surely didn't need or deserve that.  As you all may know, after loving someone for 3 years and having the relationship change doesn't immediately turn off the love and concern you have for that person.  The friend reached out to me again recently apologizing for her words, explained she was in a bad place and didn't think before responding. I accepted her apology but also acknowledged that it was hurtful and my love and concern for him is completely separate from my moving forward. I'm stronger than that.

People believe they are helping by sending photos, or giving unsolicited advice or information. I understand they mean well.  I've just continued to learn that my boundaries have to be as strong as ever and to take care of myself first.

I was supposed to go to a music festival with a friend tomorrow. It was going to be a 4 hour road trip there (and back) plus crowds, and I started having second thoughts about going.  A bit of drama started and I decided not to go, which caused a bit more drama but it worked out.  Instead I am spending Saturday with my horse and Sunday at one of my favorite rescues riding with my friend who runs it.  The anxiousness/angst I was feeling about going away immediately turned into happy heart feelings once I accepted the invitation to ride.  Isn't it interesting how my body/intuition lets me know when I'm on the right track.

I've mentioned before that this breakup has brought to light other times in my life that I hadn't dealt with the emotions and/or feelings that presented themselves at the time, but instead stuffed them and pretended to be strong.  I believe I'm experiencing what others have in grieving more than just this breakup - and it's exactly what I needed to do.  In the long run I know I'm coming out of this much stronger than I was when this relationship started 3-plus years ago, as difficult as that is.

Message for today - I realize I still am much more fragile than I thought I was and the need to put myself first is as strong as ever.  I'm having more good than bad days, and even some amazing days here and there.  Slowly but surely I'm becoming my whole self again and it feels good.  Thank God for the horses.

 

[kayc]

Just as grief evolves and changes form, so can love.  I'm glad my family understood my decision to be friends with Jim rather than cut him off for life.  I could have gone either way, the decision was mine, but he's a valuable person and I enjoy his company, even if it's just phone calls, he's very funny and we can all use a little humor in our lives.  He wasn't mean or spiteful in his breakup, he was perhaps cowardly in his not facing me one on one, but then again, under the circumstances, I can understand his taking the easy way out.  Someone asked why I made excuses for him...excuses???  His mom dying was an excuse?  His being her sole caregiver and sleep deprived and out of his mind with grief was an excuse?  Whatever!  Like you say, sometimes we need to protect ourselves from people who think they know all about what it is to be us and make the best decisions we can for ourselves.  I guess there really aren't one size fits all answers about how to handle a given situation, there's too many variables and way too much to consider.

You've shown me to be a confident intelligent person, wise and understanding, and I've no doubt in your ability to make the best decision you can for YOU.

Yes, thank God for the horses.

[ChinUp54]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

You've shown me to be a confident intelligent person, wise and understanding, and I've no doubt in your ability to make the best decision you can for YOU.

Yes, thank God for the horses.

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate your thoughtful comments very much!

[ChinUp54]

Let's see if this worked. I uploaded my video taken yesterday at the rescue of two of the babies. They are so cute and sweet! Unfortunately it's sideways and I don't know how to change that. Please enjoy anyway.

 

2016.08.28 Babies.mp4

[enna]

I loved the video and it did not show sideways. Both babies are precious. The blue eyes are so lovely and I fell in love with the white pony.  Thank you for sharing. 

[ChinUp54]

Oh I'm so glad! It's sideways for me, hmmm.

 

[MartyT]

Not sideways for me, either ~ and precious indeed! Thank you for sharing with us!  ♥

[kayc]

It appeared fine for me too.  The blue eyes are gorgeous!

[ChinUp54]

The blue-eyed filly is Sapphire and I had the pleasure of first meeting her when she was maybe a week old.  I cut off the video when she stuck her head through the fence as she just wanted to be loved on and I needed both hands to do that. I spent quite awhile petting and talking with her. She is so very sweet and calm.  The little blonde colt is young and I will have to get to know him a little better. I'm thinking I may end up with one of these babies as my own at some point, when the timing is right.

There was another little filly there that I met for the first time on Sunday.  Her name is "Tink" and she's just a little bitty gal.  She was nibbling on a hay bale after escaping from the pasture and her mother. Apparently she prefers the company of the other youngsters (there are a number of orphans there at the moment), so she goes in and out of the pasture at will.  She's small enough to go under the fencing. Tink let me pet her too while she munched away. Then I saw her back in the pasture drinking from the water trough. Another full-sized horse approached to drink and little Tink chased him/her off! She is quite confident in her small package. It will be fun to watch her grow.

Needless to say it was an amazing day.

[ChinUp54]

Sunday marks 8 months since the breakup and was another milestone I set for myself. I've already decided to extend it another month until the end of October before I make any efforts to reconnect.  These monthly deadlines seem to work for me for reevaluating where I'm at and what I'd like to do moving forward.  Continuing with no contact is the plan for now and still I've heard nothing from him.

As for how I'm doing, I'm pleased to report that I actually went away last weekend for the first time since this began. That meant getting on a plane and flying to AZ for a long weekend, and I'm so glad I did. I spent the weekend at my friend's 10 acre ranch that she purchased to house her 13 rescued horses.  Some will be adopted out to worthy adopters and her favorites will stay there with her forever.  It is a beautiful piece of property with an eclectic home perfect for my friend.  It backs up to national forest and ponderosa pines and wildlife surround the place.  I could live there! Saturday was the open house for the rescue portion and there was a nice turn out, especially for the natural horsemanship clinic that was held.  I learned quite a bit and have been enjoying practicing on my own horse since I've been home.  It was a rewarding weekend and exactly what I needed, so I'm quite pleased I didn't talk myself out of going (which I almost did!). 

Another milestone is that my mother and her husband stayed with me Sunday evening on their way back to AZ themselves.  It was a peaceful evening and everyone was on their best behavior.  I was grateful for the football game as entertainment, leaving me off the hook. They left to continue their road trip Monday morning.  Boundaries were set and it worked out well.  I've been invited to their home for Christmas but haven't decided what I plan to do yet.  I have plenty of time to decide.

I continue to write in my journal often and one day I will go back and read through it to see the improvement I've gained through this process.  There are still areas of my life to work on but all in all I'm feeling content and happy.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about the BF, but I'm no longer finding myself in tears.  I believe I have a better understanding of what he's been going through, even though I don't agree with how he chose to leave me while grieving. 

That's all for today. Enjoy your weekend folks!

 

 

[kayc]

I so agree with you on all counts!  You are doing what you need to be doing and handling it well.  This has been a tough thing to make your way through, but you're doing it!  Giving yourself this amount of time has allowed you to take the sting out a bit before contacting him...IF you decide to one day.  I so agree, it helps to understand what they've been through, but I also don't agree with how they chose to handle it.  There is no excuse for how we were hurt, even if we put ourselves in their place and understand from their perspective.  It is unacceptable, pure and simple.  While I get that they didn't feel they could handle it another way, it is not what I'd choose in a life partner...if I were to be with someone I would want to go through thick and thin together, not get dumped whenever something hit.  One guarantee in life: something will hit sometime or another.

[ChinUp54]

Kayc people make mistakes every day, including me.  As long as we learn from those mistakes, apologize to anyone who may have been hurt by our actions and do better going forward is all I can ask of anyone.  Second chances are risky, but for me, not out of the question.