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1st Anniversary of Mother's Passing and Relationship Ends


ChinUp54

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Maybe, but I've been married four times, engaged twice besides and all of them broke my heart except my sweet husband that died.  That's enough "tries" for me! 

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  • 5 weeks later...

Another 30 days go by and I'm still posting here as there has been no change.

I've been following some other people's stories here about lost love from a grieving significant other and something I've noticed is that what was attributed to grief was actually the grieving person's true personality coming through.  I've thought about this quite a bit and wonder if that will surface at some point in my situation as well.  I sure hope not, but I've wondered.  Then the crazy thoughts go through my head - was I so wrong about our relationship in the first place?  I don't believe I was. I truly believe the pain from the loss of his mother was too much for him.  I also believe one day he will tell me what happened. 

I have been ignoring my journal lately and can feel the effect of not writing on my moods.  So it's time to get back on track with writing.  I've been spending time with friends, mostly rescue friends, and have invited a few for Thanksgiving at my house.  I love to cook and usually put out a nice meal with everyone contributing their favorite dish.  So I will look forward to that.

As for me going forward, I will not contact the BF for another 30 days - I can't believe it's been 9 months already.  I do plan to send him a holiday card and maybe that will break the ice. Who knows. Nine months have gone by and I didn't know how I was going to get through this. The fact of this matter is I had no choice. I have created some strong boundaries and will not spend time with anyone I don't want to or doing something that doesn't interest me.  It's still mostly better days and a few here and there like today that I feel BLAH.

Here's a photo of the herd of horses that has been moved to the property across the road from my horse.  This should make everyone smile.  I'm amazed at the beautiful photos I can take with my cell phone.  Man I'm all over the place today. Thanks for listening.

Herd1.jpg

Herd 2.jpg

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14 hours ago, ChinUp54 said:

I've been following some other people's stories here about lost love from a grieving significant other and something I've noticed is that what was attributed to grief was actually the grieving person's true personality coming through

That's something I was noticing about Len's situation as well.  Sometimes hitting a bump in the road is revealing!  It brings out another dimension to a person that we didn't have opportunity to notice before.  It could be solidifying or tearing, depending on their response.  At any rate, it lets us know if this is what we really want...or not.

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You have so beautifully exemplified working on one's self and allowing healing to take place, as you set your boundaries.  I love how you've immersed yourself in horses, something that has been very healing for you.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

You have so beautifully exemplified working on one's self and allowing healing to take place, as you set your boundaries.  I love how you've immersed yourself in horses, something that has been very healing for you.

Thanks Kayc~Folks should know that it isn't easy and it hurts like hell, still.  Find something that makes your heart sing and for me it's the horses and now my rescue friends.  When I was first asked what brings me joy, I couldn't answer as I was in so much pain.  Horses was my answer. Start where you can.  It gets better but I still wonder if I will ever get over this one. :)

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It finally stopped hurting for me and once I accepted it, it made it a lot easier to have connection with him as a friend.

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I believe I've accepted it but am not to that place yet where I can be his friend. That will take a lot more time as there still are so many feelings and hurt.

Plans have been made for tomorrow afternoon with girlfriends. We are going to meet some mini horses that are available. My friend would like to meet them and see if they will fit in with her menagerie.  So I will be leaving work early to meet up with them and hopefully find forever homes for these cute minis. Should be fun.  One step at a time.

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I had to build a wall around my heart to keep from being hurt by him again as he was yanking me around emotionally...not on purpose but it was affecting me all the same.  I had to recognize that our relationship would never be the same again and accept it in order to reach the place where I could be open to friendship.  I don't like the term "just friends" because that implies there's something greater or like it's relegated to a lesser level, and I think being friends is a great relationship in and of itself.  It helps me to know that his intention was not to hurt me but rather to get through what he was going through himself, and although it could have been handled better, it is what it is.  I've forgiven him and moved past that.  It does take time and that is individual for each person and situation.

Have fun today with your friends and horses!

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  • 3 months later...

It's been quite some time since I've checked in here.  Still no word from the BF.  I sent a card at Thanksgiving with simple well wishes, and then earlier this month I learned his favorite aunt passed away so I sent a sympathy card expressing my sadness and again with simple well wishes.  I've realized I cannot have any expectation of return communication. 

How am I? I am basically the same as I was in October.  I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy, but find myself staying at home a lot. Work, barn, home, horse rescue friends now and then. That is my routine.  I know I should be taking better care of myself than I have been, but it will get better. I just have to let myself be for awhile.  I have given lots of thought to my own grief journey and the losses I've had over the last few years and have acknowledged that I am still processing some of those - my beloved dogs who passed 6 months apart from each other, my dad, my favorite uncle, a roommate. And now friends I've had my entire life are losing their parents too, and I can relate to how tough this time of life is and it will simply continue.  People pass away, others leave  and the only guarantee being that change will continue.  It always does.

Interesting things have happened over the last several months though.  Just before Christmas I received a phone call from an ex from 20 years ago who left under similar circumstances, but we've managed to keep in touch over the years.  His uncle had just passed away recently and he had been his caretaker for the last 7 years.  Like my father, his uncle had dementia, so it was a long 7 years for him.  We had a nice conversation that evening and he apologized for not treating me as I deserved when we split over 20 years ago.  That was quite the surprise.  I haven't heard from him much since, but I'll take it for what it was - old friends reconnecting and me offering what support I could as he was again grieving.  Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could remain friends no matter how difficult the situation may have been at the time the intimate relationship ended?

The holidays have always been a rough time for me due to family dynamics.  This year was no exception. I stayed home even though my mother wanted me to travel to their home as my uncle was in town.  We "face timed" one evening - my daughter and me, my mother, uncle and stepfather.  It was a nice conversation in the beginning, but my mother pulled one of her typical behaviors and attempted to insult me.  While everyone laughed I held my ground acknowledging she was trying to embarrass me and that it hadn't worked.  My reaction was more akin to swatting a mosquito with a sledgehammer - my buttons clearly had been pushed.  I was angry.  The next day I received a text from her apologizing that she may have offended me.  I ignored it so then the following evening she called and was the most complimentary she has ever been and again apologized.  Almost shocking what boundaries will do!

My happiest and most stressful recent event was saving a young horse from the feedlot.  I've started visiting the lot with a friend to help her evaluate horses, take photos etc.  This cute little quarter horse gelding caught my attention - beautiful sorrel color with one quarter-sized white spot on his left front shoulder.  He was standoffish but kept his eye on me.  I was offering horse treats to his friends and after awhile he decided I was safe to approach. He didn't want a treat but simply to be loved on.  I was happy to do that. I promised him I would get him safe and went to work keeping that promise.  My best friend in CA paid his remaining bail and he was all set to go to a trainer here in Colorado. Unfortunately there was a mix-up and the wrong horse was sorted and my little friend ended up in the kill pen.  So a sorrel mare ended up at the trainers and my little friend went through the process to be sent to Mexico for slaughter - tagged, microchipped, etc. Luckily we were able to work with the feedlot owner and my little guy ended up safe after all and is now with the trainer. He has his very own little girl who is working with him and hopefully she will be able to ride him as a barrel racing horse, which is her dream.  Photos below.

Doolittle.jpgDoolittle with Nancy.jpgMagic.jpg

First photo - Magic at the feedlot; 2nd at the trainer's; 3rd with his young friend. He follows her everywhere!

He is one of the lucky ones.

This turned out longer than I expected. Bottom line, it's been a year since the breakup and I'm still here.  It still hurts. I don't understand it and I wish it wouldn't have happened.  Clearly there were many things for me to look at and work on personally, which I am doing.  It will continue to get better, that I know. 

Thanks for listening.

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Chinup,

My heart was in my throat as I read about the horse getting sent for slaughter!  I'm glad that did not happen and he has a better life ahead of him.

I reconnected a few years ago with an ex-fiance from my youth...he made attempts but is not right for me, I'm older and wiser now and no longer being young and starry eyed it's easier for me to see clearly.  Still, we have remained friends of sorts.  You're right, I prefer things to end on a good note if possible.

You have been practicing self-care, which is one of the most important things we can learn.  Sometimes when we're focusing on someone else we fail to do that, so that is one of the good things that have come out of my being alone.  You're right also that there is a time to just "be" with ourselves and your self-care will continue to develop as the time becomes right for you.

I glad you have the horses to work with!  It's good to have a passion and I rather imagine you get more out of it than you can ever give!  That is how it is when you work with animals, I think. :)

I'm sorry your ex now has another loss.  Perhaps when he is more ready he will be able to have a friendship with you.  It's been that way for Jim and I, we're close, but in a sporadic way.  He kind of sets the tone for frequency, and right now he has a LOT going on with his family, but we're able to talk to each other about anything and everything and it feels good to have a friend like that in my life.  We will always understand and care about each other and that's the good thing that's come out of all of this.  In the years since our breakup I've seen it wouldn't have been easy to be married, but friends...that's good.

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On 2/25/2017 at 8:48 AM, kayc said:

I am glad you have the horses to work with!  It's good to have a passion and I rather imagine you get more out of it than you can ever give! That is how it is when you work with animals, I think. :)

 

Kayc-

I find it interesting that helping the horses has given me back big parts of myself.  A friend saved 2 more horses last week and was bringing them to her ranch on Saturday.  She invited me to go along to help load, which I did.  Who would refuse horse time?  When we arrived there were other ladies there picking up horses they had saved.  It was fun putting faces to names as our rescue group functions mostly via Facebook.  Plenty of hugs went around. One friend provides transport services so her trailer was full and she had a full afternoon ahead making deliveries.  She then was helping everyone else.  There were 2 pens of "available" horses and maybe 6-8 in the "safe" pen awaiting their ride to freedom.  We went to halter the two horses and were warned that the big paint was "crazy."  One of the lot workers had told another gal that.  We kind of shrugged it off thinking "we'll see."  My friend walked straight towards him while we watched.  He stood there like a perfect gentleman and let her halter him. I then haltered Gilligan and we walked them out to the trailer where they loaded like champs.  They knew we weren't going to harm them, that we were there to save them. I always get very tearful when leaving as there are so many others who weren't so lucky and have since been shipped to slaughter.

Once we got to her ranch, we unloaded the horses and her other horses came running to the gate to see the newcomers. Kim has rescued 15 horses so far, 3 of which were minis she was able to rehome, which leaves her with 12 currently.  Giovanni, the paint, called out to them announcing his arrival and Gilligan followed suit.  We stood there smiling as they made their introductions. :) It was heartwarming to watch these 2 enter their own pasture (they have to be quarantined for 30-45 days just in case they picked up any ailments at the lot - which happens often).  Giovanni surveyed the area with his head held high, then proceeded to roll 3-4 times.  He was happy.  Gilligan is a bit older and less confident, but he seemed to know he now was safe and followed Gio.  It's the best feeling in the world watching them settle in to their new surroundings.

When I spend the day with my rescue friends we visit each others horses and help each other out as needed.  The time flies by on those days and I forget about anything else.  The same goes when spending time with my own horse. So yes, I am grateful I have this outlet.  I remember last year at this time I had to think about what brought me joy and had difficulty naming it. Now it's simple and I've made a commitment to myself to only do what makes me happy. 

I had a session on Sunday with my counselor and she reminded me that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  She asked me to let go of the grief for the horses we aren't able to save, and all of the other grief I've been carrying around, but to focus on how many we have saved.  She is so wise and when I left our session I felt extremely lighter. When I begin to feel blue, I think of horses running free and the sadness begins to fade.

It was a fabulous weekend.

 

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Fabulous, indeed! What an inspiring and uplifting post, my dear! Thank you! I truly do believe that animals are angels in disguise, and those who care for them are richly blessed, both in their giving and their receiving. How wonderful that with the horses you've found what brings you joy! Just think of the joy it brings to those rescued horses, too! 

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ChinUp,

If you don't mind my asking, what happens to the meat when they slaughter the horses?  I'm wondering if it ends up in dog food, because no one tells consumers exactly what's in it.

I think you do a wonderful work, I haven't owned a horse for years because I can't afford to, but there are three neglected horses down the street that I like to give attention to, and they lap it up!  The owners provide nothing beyond food and water. :(  One of them didn't even have a name so I gave him a name and he knows it now.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

If you don't mind my asking, what happens to the meat when they slaughter the horses?  I'm wondering if it ends up in dog food, because no one tells consumers exactly what's in it.

 

Kayc~

The horses shipped from Colorado end up in slaughterhouses in Mexico.  The meat is then sent overseas to Europe and Asia for human consumption.  I'm not sure about dog food or whether any of the meat comes back here to the U.S.  I read an article not too long ago that said a U.S. burger chain was found to have horse meat in their beef.  Needless to say, not that I eat much fast food anyway, but I will boycott Burger King forever because of it.  Also, horses are not raised as a food source in the U.S.  This means that there is no monitoring of what drugs are given to horses and many are toxic to humans.  It's a nasty business all the way around.

Offering my opinion, there needs to be better regulation on breeding.  These horses ended up purchased by a kill buyer at a local auction.  Rescues do their best to outbid kill buyers at auction, but more times than not, the KB wins the bidding.  Magic arrived at the feedlot directly from a breeder and did not go through auction at all.  If there wasn't rampant over breeding (particularly quarter horses and thoroughbreds) there wouldn't been an overpopulation of horses and no need to send them to a horrific death.

It's complex and everyone has a different opinion on what should be done.  Our group places the value on the horse and saving it's life. I am proud to be part of this amazing group. :)

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Back in the 70s Fred Meyer was selling horse meat for human consumption.  I've been told it's tough and stringy, so even if someone isn't a horse lover, avoid it!
I can no more imagine eating a beloved horse than I can a dog or cat.  I like to see warnings given wherever possible so we can avoid buying from the places that sell it as long as they continue the practice. 

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16 hours ago, martha jane said:

I am so happy that KayC has come through that so unhappy time and is doing better.

Making your way through a break up is different than loss to a death.  Loss to a death goes on the rest of our lives, although we can learn to live with it.  Break ups are excruciating for a time but they do seem to heal, at least mine have...I've been through too many. :)

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