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Ended a friendship


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Im honestly embarrassed I am this upset. Its all my doing but I feel like it had to be done.

I basically pursued more than a friendship because I was lonely and he made me feel better about the loss of my dad but it ended up going sour. I want more than a friendship and he cant, or wont. He thinks its sad my dad passed recently but he thinks Im too emotional and it pisses me off. I dont think he cares that it hurts or I dont think he will ever understand until his dad dies. We had a classmate commit suicide and he just cant see how someone would do that because he has never been that sad. He doesnt know what its like to hurt. He said he still wants to be friends but he isnt the friend I need. 

Im really feeling alone after this. I dont know why its upsetting me so much but I just feel so lonely. Its like my already deep pit of loneliness just got that much deeper. 

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Sometimes we have to look to ourselves for what we need instead of someone else...trust me, I'm the queen of failed relationships and mostly because they were the wrong person.  It's important not to settle just because you're needy, I had to learn that the hard way.  If you' learn this at your age you're way ahead of me, it took me until my 50s to learn it!

I'm sorry you're hurting, breakups hurt even when you know the relationship wasn't "the one", and you were already hurting to start with because of losing your dad.  You're special to me, and I wish I could put my arms around you, but I guess you'll have to settle for a cyber hug.

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Im really trying to soothe myself and I never wanted to mess with him in the first place and I did anyway! We werent even dating! UGH! I only know about not settling because Ive been burned lol Im always in these situations, going for the wrong person. My dad would beat me if he knew the type of guy I was talking to.

Thank you so much :) consider yourself hugged back. Youve been here the entire time :) 

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I did the same thing when grieving my husband, ended up marrying the WRONG person and have paid for it dearly (it didn't last long).  Consider it a blessing in disguise.  I finally learned I'm better off alone than being with the wrong person, and after the amazing husband I had in George (died 10 1/2 years ago), I figure no one else could live up to what we had so decided to go it alone.

You're young though, I'm sure you'll find the right one someday...it took me a long time, but he was so worth it!  Your prince is out there, keep looking and don't settle!   :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ill definitely keep that in mind! Its just hard to take a step back and remember who I am and look at what Im doing. Im currently in rotations for school so Im basically working, but one of the ladies training me said that she is so happy Im not powerless because of someone. She likes the fact that I am young and not tied down to someone and am able to do whatever I want.

You just want to cling to those that you have found but you shouldnt have to! They should want to stay!

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Shari, I agree with Kay, you are too young and beautiful to settle.  I recently settled, because I am no longer young, but that doesn't mean I would ever settle for someone who didn't love or respect me.  We haven't married yet.  We are taking it one day at a time.  

I took a huge chance letting a man move in with me after only dating for six weeks.  It hasn't been easy living with someone I didn't know that well.  We've had our share of arguments, but now we don't argue so much anymore.  We are so different -- he's a morning person and I'm a night owl.  He likes to be bossy, and I'm not used to being bossed around.  He's smart, but not very educated, so there are a lot of things I can't share with him that I shared with my father, but gradually we are starting to appreciate each other's interests and personality.  We are facing life's problems together which is a great comfort to me.  Before my father died, I never in a million years thought I would end up being with this man but grief makes strange bedfellows.  One thing going for us is that I never had a steady boyfriend before, so it's all new to me and there's no one else with whom to compare him.  He can never compare with my father, but it was a different kind of relationship.  He's been divorced for 15 years, but he doesn't carry a torch for his ex-wife, because she put him through hell.  He appreciates me because I'm a lot kinder than she was.

I've been away from the forum for a long time, but I've been thinking of you and wish you the best.  After my father's death, I was living alone for the first time in my life and felt terribly lonely, until last August when my former gardener started dating me.   He showed up on my doorstep one day with the intention of visiting my father.  He was very saddened when I told him he had died two days after Christmas in 2014.   He said he wanted to pay his respects at the cemetery and offered to take me there.  I had just bought some flowers for my dad's home altar, so I said what about right now?   That's how it started.  He moved in with me so soon, because he needed a place to stay after the property where he was renting was sold to a new owner.  He would have had to move far away, because rents are too high here.  I enjoyed his company too much to risk losing him.  I knew him for a couple of years as my gardener/handyman, and had always liked him, but never felt attracted to him.  That changed after we started going out together.   He looks great in a tuxedo -- we recently went to my brother's 60th birthday party which was held at a masquerade ball and I honestly thought he was the best looking man there.  I guess love does that to a person.  He is not the type of man my father would have approved of, but I'm sure he would rather that I have someone to protect me and keep me company.  My boyfriend is a badass so I feel safe when he's around, but he is also a compassionate person with a good sense of humor.   I was getting hundreds of responses on the dating sites, but it's so much safer to date someone I already know.  I ended up dating only one person online who I mentioned in an earlier post, but he wanted to live on a yacht (I didn't).

My partner and I have been living together now for six months.  He's from Mexico and doesn't speak English that well, but being half Mexican myself,  I know Spanish well enough.  We are not each other's ideal mate, but we are both lonely and have suffered through grief, so we understand each other.  He's not as romantic as I would like him to be, but he shows his love by doing things around the house for me.   He's also a great cook, since he used to be a professional chef. 

Recently, my partner's friend brought over a mechanic to fix his car and truck.  From the very start the mechanic was very friendly towards me and tried to woo me away from my boyfriend.  At first, I was thrilled by all the things we had in common.  He was way more romantic and said the things I've always wanted a man to say to me.  He's educated, well read, and speaks English fluently, but I found out soon enough that he's not very honest, so he made me appreciate my partner all the more.  And since nothing perks a man's interest more than a rival, my partner also seems to appreciate me more these days.

I still miss my dad terribly, but thanks to my partner, I am able to watch movies and tv again without feeling so depressed and anxious. When I was alone, I went for eight months rarely turning on the television, because I missed watching movies with my dad.   I am now sleeping better.  I'm no longer dependent on any sleep medications.  I still cry at times, mostly when I'm alone, but my partner comforts me when he's around.  I probably will never be as happy as I was when my father was alive, but I'm no longer as unhappy as I was when I was all alone.  i know that many people choose to live alone rather than settle for someone who isn't right for them.  That is very wise, but I'm too used to living with someone.  I realize that no partner is going to be 100 percent perfect, so I try to appreciate him for what he has to offer, rather than what he doesn't have.  If we break up it's going to be very hard to be alone again, but I am in a better place emotionally than I was six months ago, thanks in no small part to him.  I think for as long as we need each other, we will be motivated to make it work.  We both feel like God put us in each other's path.  I remember one night I cried myself to sleep asking God to send someone to ease my loneliness.  The following day I got a date from a lawyer on the dating site.  He was nice but not the man for me, so a few weeks later I again cried out to God to send me a good friend, and the following day my gardener showed up on my doorstep.  He had been in the hospital himself, recovering from an injury, so I hadn't heard from him in almost a year. 

I am not making this up.  I hope you will soon find someone who can appreciate you and help ease the loneliness.  If it could happen to me, someone who doesn't get out much, it could happen to anyone.  I had to settle for a relatively poor man but money isn't everything.  I like the fact that there aren't any golddiggers after him.  :)  Best of luck with your studies!

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In reading your story when you say he's not so romantic but he shows love by doing things for you...it reminded me of the book (I'd highly recommend it!) "The Five Love Languages".  Many of us have different love languages and we often miss the love the other one is showing because it's not OUR love language.  So in learning about them we can recognize the love that is shown to us and also learn to demonstrate love to others in THEIR love language.  It's a small simple book but life changing!

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Thank you for the tip, Kay.  I have downloaded the book on Amazon and look forward to reading it.  Just today my partner said he's going to try harder to learn English and how to use a computer, which is encouraging.  In return, I will put more effort into organizing our living space.  I've been storing things that belonged to both my parents, my grandmother and my great uncle, and it's overwhelming at times to sort through everything, but we are helping each other. 

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I'm glad, I really hope things work out for you!

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  • 2 weeks later...

The funny thing about this is I am now back to being comfortable alone and I enjoy my solitude. Im having more emotional issues lately but not sure why that is. I had told my mom that I really like being alone and she told me to remember that and that its good but to not get too comfortable because she wants grandkids LOL. I want children so I thought that was hilarious. I am very scared to settle, in a way. I am so happy for you! I immediately though of the lawyer when you mentioned a partner but that’s great! It sounds so sweet! I think its so great that it worked itself out. That really makes you believe its happening for a reason. I need to remember that if its meant to happen, it will and to not make excuses for people. The sad thing is that he really helped in the beginning and I loved it. I loved and still do love talking to him but he irritates me because we are so different and especially how I view things. Also, since he seemed to down play the death of my dad like it wasn’t THAT big of a deal because he watched his uncle get stabbed to death. That’s horrible but so is my dads death. Maybe I shouldn’t, but how people respond to my dads death is how I judge them as a valuable person in my life. When I was upset about this guy, I was telling my mom about it and she asked me to consider what my dad would think of this guy. He would have chased him away! But with good reason! It just sucks because like you said if your partner leaves, youll be lonely. But maybe I should do what you did and ask God for someone. I would honestly prefer to have no golddiggers after my man! This guy, loves all the girls that wants him and blah blah and I have no confidence so it just makes me feel horrible. I just need to wait for the right one, im not even ready for marriage anyway! But thank you so much for your kind words J

Kay, Ill read that book soon too, ive been wanting to read another book lol

And I graduate this May J Almost there!

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BTW, this book is good not only for showing/receiving love for mates, but for ALL relationships.  It's helped me understand my children better, etc.

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Shari, if you plan on having children someday, then it is especially important not to settle.  I am so happy for you that you are so close to graduation.  I really admire how you were able to persevere through such difficult circumstances. 

I am currently reading a book called "Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies" (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) Kindle Edition

by Alan D. Wolfelt PhD (Author).  It is very easy to read, maybe a little too simple for some people, but I think the ideas are helpful.
 
 
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  • 10 months later...

Hi Gigi!

Almost a year later but I have a reply!

I definitely want children and I have to keep reminding myself to not look past all of the things I don't like about him. That sounds mean but just the way he acts towards some females. Although every single time I decide I will stop talking to him, he starts messaging me lol. And thank you! It was hard and I don't know how I did it but I also know I was not allowed to stop. Both parents told me I had to continue on.

I think Ill look into that. Im better but I still have some issues.

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However they are, it usually escalates, we don't go into a relationship to change them but when you find that one that is "perfect for you", you'll know it.

Also, be very careful choosing someone to be the father of your kids, it's very hard to see their heart broken by their father.

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