Grieving the loss of child's father

[LisaMarie]

My 30 yr old daughters father died suddenly 2 months ago, it has been one of the most difficult things I have endured in my lifetime. I never really lost someone this close to me & my family. He was still a big part of my daughters life & we all loved him. Trying to be there for my daughter & dealing w my own grief has been difficult. But it's getting better for me. Now after time has passed I realize my daughter has been shutting me out of her life. She is married & has 2 children. She basically has told me that she has changed & she's a different person now & she doesn't have any concern for my life or anything to do w me. Is it a coping mechanism for her to want to separate from me emotionally to deal with the loss of her father. Do you think it's fear of losing me? Very upset with the current situation & and feeling broken, like my daughter doesn't need me or even love me anymore, since her father died. Please help Thanks

 

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[kayc]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.  That must hurt like the dickens!

It very well could be her coping mechanism, no one can know but her.  I would continue loving her but you're limited by her refusal to have anything to do with you.  Could she be blaming you for something?  If you know of it, perhaps a note of apology and restatement of your love for her.  I'm assuming from the way you write that you and he were divorced?  

Two months is a relatively short time in the big picture of dealing with grief.  I hope this will evolve so that you can resume relationship with each other.  My heart goes out to you.

Elsewhere in behaviors of bereavement, Marty posted to Bev some links, you could try reading them and see if they offer some insight to you.

[MartyT]

Lisa Marie, your story reminds me so much of an exchange I read recently on the AfterTalk website and, although the individual circumstances differ a bit from yours, I think Dr. Neimeyer's beautiful response to the woman who wrote to him may hold some sound advice for you as well:  http://www.aftertalk.com/ask-dr-neimeyer/index.php/husband-passed-away/  ♥

[2down2bup]

How are you on this day Lisa Marie....I have thought about what to say to you, advice, positive thinking, re-direction, direction itself.  

I went back to my original post in 2012 and I've been crying off and on for a couple days.  That indicated to me that grief settles into a place
you can put away and pull back out.  Despite my renewed tears I feel a huge sense of relief knowing I can bring him back in part, and not

[2down2bup]

I DID it again!!!  somehow sending a copy before I was done.  So...starting over...

How are you on this day Lisa Marie....I have thought about what to say to you, advice, positive thinking, re-direction, direction itself.  I apologize in advance for the length of this missive.  I don't intend it however it will happen nevertheless because of the subject.....

Not knowing the dynamics of your daughter's relationship with her father and with you; not knowing the history over your daughter's 30 years of life; not knowing if within that 30 year period there was strife between points A, B & C in different combinations.  I would think so to an extent - 3 decades is a long time for nothing but peaceful moments.  So,  unless you can pinpoint a specific event or series of connected events, there is no telling the memory or situation that may have turned your daughter in the direction she now embraces.  There could have been a rift just under the surface between her father and you about things she knew nothing of but still 'felt' periodically.  To say she has changed and is a different person now makes it sound like who she was before was not who she wanted to be....and somehow her connection with her father and/or you was the reason.  If that's the case, maybe you can pinpoint something in all your lives that she can slough off now because she believes it made her less than she should be.  Perhaps she thinks the only way to do it is by putting you behind a cement wall so you do not have any impact on her life going forward at this time. (she already realizes her father no longer has an impact on her life)

Is there a chance she thinks your relationship with her father wasn't even a big deal so why did you think you needed to embrace grief healing - putting yourself before her and her children (I would show her my original posting if that is what she thinks).  

I guess the main question would be whether or not you are able to have at least one more conversation about her thought process, what she needs or doesn't need right now and let her know what matters to you - yes, you are her mother however she is an adult and what matters to another adult should be at least known if not considered.  The fact is that if you understand what she is trying to achieve and it doesn't mean throwing you away completely, you could better acquiesce and give her the space she wants, adjusting over time..

If this really is what you mention at the end of your email, that she is distancing herself from you so as to not have to go through the grief and heartache she did with the passing of her dad, with anyone else close to her - especially you - she is fueled by a choice that she has a strong grip on.   Would she understand that she is doing to you exactly what she doesn't want done to her?  That based on this daughter you have lost her father, a person who mattered a great deal to you regardless of the times between you, and now her and then her children?  Or her children first then her.  

My last comment....can you talk to her husband in any way?  email?  phone?  over coffee somewhere?

I wish you the best and that includes finding the breach sooner than later so you can adjust if you must and continue on with your relationship to the extent you can coax her to allow..........like communication with your grand-children if nothing else...through her if necessary (birthday and holiday cards, etc)

Take care Lisa Marie - please keep me updated and feel free to talk any time the moment takes you.