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The doctors told me that Al was dying.  I suppose I did not want to face it.  I stayed with him in the hospital the last 2 weeks night and day.  The last 2 days were horrible.  I talked to him even tho I do not think he heard me, although "they" say that hearing is the last to go.  I never told him that everything was coming to an end.  Maybe I should have told him.  Maybe he knew.   I believe that he hung on  until my daughter and son-in-law got there.  He died within 10 minutes.  I am sure that he did not want me to be alone.  All the things we second guess.

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My downsizing is picking up steam....re-licensing my Van to assist in my transporting excess "stuff to Dump or Second Hand " stores......Karen , you have many adventures and Dreams in you......I'm looking forward to my next  move...need a Change............Gin, the last two weeks meant so much to Al...the comfort you gave him was the source of his strength for him to hang on as long as he did.....have a good week end everyone, off to see family for a few days..........

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  • 2 weeks later...

It is nice to be back at school.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy the kids.  The distractions are wonderful.  The only downside is coming home.  For thirty-seven years, there'd be a hot cup of coffee and a wonderful woman to share our days with.  Now it's making dinner, get ready for tomorrow and count the minutes until I can go to bed.  

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Brad, we all live for these "distractions."  My granddaughter's school and her health have given me a five day week again, and I sit in the lounge of the school reading, waiting for her class to get out.  Yes, she has social problems, we are working on them.  And, like your school days, this is what I live for also and hope that she might make social adjustments where she can trust people again.  And, those visits with therapists for her sometimes, along with her school fill up my time to where I don't have time to go wash clothes often enough.  At 75, I have never been this busy, sometimes never been this tired, but it is a lifeline that we all need, even if we don't want it.  I have to leave my igloo, but so does my granddaughter, and she needs it more than I do.  We cope.  We try to adjust, even when the daily grind has changes we never had before.  I applaud your efforts.  There is reason in the reasoning.  

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Brad,

I'm glad you're enjoying teaching once again.  I'm no longer hit when I come home, can't recall when that changed, somewhere along the way I got used to things.  Note: "Used to" does not equate with "like".

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On ‎9‎/‎4‎/‎2017 at 4:34 PM, Brad said:

It is nice to be back at school.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy the kids.  The distractions are wonderful.  The only downside is coming home.  For thirty-seven years, there'd be a hot cup of coffee and a wonderful woman to share our days with.  Now it's making dinner, get ready for tomorrow and count the minutes until I can go to bed.  

Coming home is still one of the hardest things isn't it? My wife would always have a cup of tea ready for me when I got home from work as she would finish earlier than me. My days tend to be a little better of late, but no matter how good a day at work or a day out has been, the act of coming home and opening the front door into an empty house is still ever so miserable, so weird, so wrong

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Ever have one of those days when something so obvious really hits you like it was new?  For the past few days I have realized I have not spoken to Steve in almost 3 years nor heard his voice.  One thing about it is I feel like I discovered some ammunition to shoot back to the people that hound me about 'getting better'.  Now I can at least ask how do you think you would be doing if you hadn't had any connection like even saying hi to your partner in that amount of time?  I know they won't fathom it, but maybe give them pause?

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Gwen:  I've been thinking a lot about how long it's been since I felt, heard, touched John.  It is so mind numbing and still unfathomable.  You can try, but I can't imagine anyone would be able to wrap their mind around that reality, or it will scare the hell out of them just thinking about it.  Take care, Cookie

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On ‎08‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 4:55 PM, Gin said:

The doctors told me that Al was dying.  I suppose I did not want to face it.  I stayed with him in the hospital the last 2 weeks night and day.  The last 2 days were horrible.  I talked to him even tho I do not think he heard me, although "they" say that hearing is the last to go.  I never told him that everything was coming to an end.  Maybe I should have told him.  Maybe he knew.   I believe that he hung on  until my daughter and son-in-law got there.  He died within 10 minutes.  I am sure that he did not want me to be alone.  All the things we second guess.

My heart goes out to you, Gin.  I have many things I second guess about John's last year.  I've tried to tell myself I did my best, but I think I just want him back even if it meant going through it all again and maybe doing it better.....

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I know they won't fathom it, but maybe give them pause?

Why worry with ignoramuses?  Remember that the lion does not worry about the opinion of sheep.  Just know, and it is not really a good thing to know, but one of these days, if they have any humanity about them at all they will wonder "why did I say that to someone that hurt so bad?"  And, they will understand.  It really gives us no satisfaction knowing that, especially with all our sadness going on right now.  People come on FB with opposing political and religious views than I have and I have to think "what are my political views?"  And it is strange, all the people I grew up with have what I believe to be opposing views.  I'm really not sure. I think my "thinking" is like my swimming, I prefer the shallow end of the pool.  I worry about our members in these hurricanes and my granddaughter and family, they are all on the road somewhere.  I wish they had enough sense to just hunker down cause they are not in a mandatory evacuation zone.  And my daughter, the little teratomas have spread.  They do not grow like cancer, they just spread like wind blowing a dandelion.  And of course, we have these people saying it is the end of time.  A snake born with two heads.  I did not read about that.  All I can remember is coming out of my Missionary Baptist services every Sunday after a fire and brimstone sermon and being scared to go out the front door.  Knew I was not gonna be the first one out the door.  

And when it is all added together, what does any of it matter except the safety of all our people.  And, maybe the moon is full, cause this has not been a good week for anyone I know.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Can not watch football anymore.  Al and I watched football together.  Never watched it before Al, but always with  him.   Just can not do it without him.  That is true for lots of things we did together.  If he's not here, I do not want it anymore.  Wonder if that will ever change.  Al would have loved watching the game today...bears and Pittsburg.  He was born near Pittsburgh and had an allegiance to them.    

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I know what you mean, Gin.  I have a lot of shows on the DVR that we watched together and it's just not the same now.  I'll watch them because regular TV pretty much sucks even with all the channels, but I miss having someone to converse with about what I watch.  They end and I have thoughts up no one to express them to.  He would have the same.  I see this bleeding over into things happening in the neighborhood too.  I make a terrible hermit.  I was out 'food shopping' today and my purchase was so much frozen stuff now.  Not like the old days of buying things that require an oven or stove.  The microwave used to be for quick warm ups.  It's my main cooking source now. I noticed the guy behind me had a lot of frozen meals so guessing he was a bachelor.  There really isn't anything I do that isn't impacted by his loss.  

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Bears...reminds me of my wayward son-in-law, can't hear of the Bears (his favorite team) without thinking of him and feeling heartbroken and sick.  If anyone would have told me my daughter's marriage would have ended up like this I never would have believed it.  It's funny how something as innocuous as a team can bring on so much emotion!

George and I had certain shows we'd watch together, can't watch them either.  Fortunately the t.v. lineup has all changed, I didn't have t.v. for several years after he died so I didn't have to deal with it.

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

I didn't have t.v. for several years after he died so I didn't have to deal with it.

No tv for several years? Wow. Sadly, the tv is my main companion these days and it's great for ambient background noise when my mind drifts off to another time and place (as it often does).

Just like everyone else, it's hard to watch shows we used to watch together. I still watch a few of them but I sometimes feel guilty that I get to see new episodes but Tammy doesn't. Then again, the shows in heaven might be better than what we get on earth. Just sayin'.

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Well I seem to be on autopilot, returning to the things we used to do, alone. Susan always said "🐼 s hate change" and I'm going to the same places and cooking the same meals. Even returned to doing the sunday crossword, our ritual. I write to her on the page before starting.

Had one of my better days yesterday doing more work than usual. Then today I started getting ready to do my taxes. I filed for extension so they are due 10/15 and I don't want any last minute rush. I'm still "Married Filing Jointly" for 2016 and was wondering how I'd handle my new situation. Sure enough under Susan's information Turbo Tax has a button for "deceased". I clicked the button and Turbo Tax said "Sorry for your loss". Then I went to the SS website to get my info and it has all these pictures of happy smiling older couples, like we were going to be. Needless to say, this is not developing as one of my better days.

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4 hours ago, TomPB said:

... all these pictures of happy smiling older couples, like we were going to be.

Tom, I found Dana again after 33 years of being apart, each marrying the wrong person, but each also having 2 sons. Each of us divorced by our spouses because we were no longer what they wanted.  Although we were separated by 1200 miles, I was working to disengage from North Carolina, and planning to move to Texas.  Then she suddenly died last December. I see older, still-in-love older couples all the time, and although happy for them, am so sad we didn't get to be this way.

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1 hour ago, DaveM said:

so sad we didn't get to be this way.

Dave, we had 54 years, mostly dedicated to family, but we still were together through it all.  When we retired in 1997, we were still "young" enough to have lots of life left.  I wrote a letter to each kid and one to my mama.  My mama laughed.  One "kid" said "family does not leave family."  We just wanted to full time RV.  We had prepared for it by getting rid of everything and living in an RV for 5-6 years before we retired, so I guess we were actually full-timing even then.  We would move from RV park to RV park and still go to work, still two vehicles.  We were play-acting.  When we physically retired to a river in Arkansas, just for a few days, I looked at the falling leaves and thought this was the happiest time of my life.  Then we hit the road.  For one full year until our son wound up in the ER and we knew what we had to do, and we did it.  I saw people traveling in their RV's and I was so jealous.  Okay, in March of 2015 we thought it was time again.  I was one year out of nearly dying, I think the family thought I would.  I wasn't afraid, I just kept rowing the boat.  Seven months later Billy suddenly left.  We were not young, but we thought we had some life left.  We had a lot of years that I am so fortunate to have had.  It was not long enough..  It never is.

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Just been a bad day today.  The only "bright" spot was going to the dentist.  Lots of tears and I do not know why this day was so bad.  I have to keep busier, but do not know how.  I go to the health club 4x/week, an in a book club and go to a weekly grief group.  I do not see my daughters very often, but I know they are busy.  My friends are scattered and I find it very hard to make new ones, especially at my age.  I think it just built up to a breaking point today.  Tomorrow will be better, I hope.

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Gin,

I wish you lived nearby, I'm going through the same thing.  I'm very active in my church, am on the Praise Team (lead worship), am Church Treasurer, lead a grief support group, volunteer at the senior site twice a week, and am in two ladies groups.  I also drive my sister to town (60 miles away) as she no longer drives more than a few blocks.  It's rare I don't get out in a day and am around people.  Yet for all that, I don't have any close friends nearby.  I miss my best friend that moved away three years ago.  You are right, people our age already have their set of friends or they have their spouse.  My kids are busy with their lives.  I haven't had a phone call from my daughter in two months. My son goes about three weeks before calling.  It's been two months since I saw my grandson and barely got to then...it'll probably be another two months before I see him and he's changing so fast, I'm missing a lot.  With shorter days and not being able to drive at night it's hard to go up and back in one day, and them always having plans so I can't go spend the night even if I could get someone to watch my dog.  Heading towards winter is depressing...and something I have to continually fight...being alone on holidays, shoveling snow, hauling firewood, feeling lonely and uncared about with no one to share my life with, it's a tough battle.  My daughter-in-law has already said she won't come for my birthday as she has a "mommy day" (whatever that is) so I won't be seeing the grands.  :(

All I can tell you is keep on doing what you're doing...I hope and pray both of us make a new "best friend" that we can share with.  It's not the same as having our husbands, but it helps.  It seems the people in my grief support group have kids that are very attentive and helpful so no one else gets how I'm feeling.

 

 

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I had a dream last night about flirting with Steve culminating in that first anticipated kiss. Consciously I had even forgot how it changed my life.  At the time it felt wonderful.  When I got up I knew the reality, but the thing that got me the most was the people I would call to talk about it (both widows) were also dead.  My mother and my sister in law.  I've learned in almost 3 long years not to bother with anyone who hasn't been here.  I.had written a list of everything that has changed since Steve died to remind me of just how much has for when I am feeling so alone and overwhelmed.  I amazed me I had overlooked my sister in law (4 months after he died) and a cousin who was really a brother to me.  Yeah, I was just a dream but wow!  For that brief pleasure there was a.very big cost.  Almost too big.  Existence is hard enough without pulling my heart from me yet again.

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It reminds me of Steve's post about "The Road Less Traveled", he was speaking of being vulnerable, opening ourselves up to love...this could apply to any love, friendship, it's hard to be vulnerable after loss.  Yes the cost is great, but then so is the price we pay being alone...

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Like I have said before, I am eccentric, probably different than a lot of you.  I have three big file boxes sitting in the closet in my bathroom.  I don't know what is in them.  I know I have not needed them.  I do have scar tissue formed and little things can rip this away, so, I don't need them, I don't open them.  Pandora's box.  I have 15 big Pandora's boxes.  They serve well as furniture.  I am not curious.  I did find Billy visited me when I doze off unexpectedly in a chair.  I will not do this anymore.  I know he is gone.  I want to adapt to the scar tissue.

I was afraid to watch "Our Souls at Night" on Netflix.  Many won't watch because Jane Fonda is in it.  But, so is Robert Redford.  I got ready for the tears.  I had read many reviews on this show and the book by Kent Haruf (who wrote other books) and the saddest thing was the real life of losing Mr. Haruf.  The  show was slow, but I think some might identify with it. 

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