Reflections and musings

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

It reminds me of Steve's post about "The Road Less Traveled", he was speaking of being vulnerable, opening ourselves up to love...this could apply to any love, friendship, it's hard to be vulnerable after loss.  Yes the cost is great, but then so is the price we pay being alone...

It got me to thinking of many first kisses, some great, some not.  Then there's that one you know that feels......this is it.  This is the one.  I'll never feel anything like this from someone else.   then you are 'addicted' to it.  It occupies your mind constantly.  It always amazed me that even 30 years later if we shared a deep kiss I had the same feeling.  There is something about a kiss that is so much more personal than any other contact.

A little girl and her mom were just walking by.  One of the kids balloons popped and she was inconsolable.  If only life was that simple again.  You can go buy another yellow balloon.  

[Gin]

Hey Marge,. I  have been taking your advice on some Netflix slows.  Grace and Frankie, Heartland, Longmire and am now watching Our Souls At Night.  Thanks.

[Margm]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I was afraid to watch "Our Souls at Night" on Netflix.  Many won't watch because Jane Fonda is in it.  But, so is Robert Redford.  I got ready for the tears.  I had read many reviews on this show and the book by Kent Haruf (who wrote other books) and the saddest thing was the real life of losing Mr. Haruf.  The  show was slow, but I think some might identify with it. 

Heartland was recorded every week.  Longmire and Heartland were his favorites.  I finished another of his C.J. Box books.  We have them all on Kindle so I don't have to buy any of them.  I think "Our Souls at Night" might hit a lot of us.  It goes slow, but the characters are in their 70's, so slow is good.  And, as for the ending, I see hope for both of them and we all need hope, even in the movies.  I believe in the opening scene he is eating a TV dinner, alone, like many of us do.  Later on, if I remember correctly, just the involvement of a human touch and conversation, he is eating something he has cooked.  It reminded me at times of all of us.  

And Grace and Frankie is the first show that brought laughter back.  It is so outlandish and the characters are my age.  It is so much different from Heartland, I needed the laughter very much.  

[MartyT]

I simply love Heartland and Longmire, Marg. My daughter-in-law got me into watching This Is Us, which is another outstanding series. Its first season (18 episodes) is on Amazon. And I'm in the middle of streaming 6 seasons of Friday Night Lights on Netflix now, which I never watched when it was on network TV. It's just a wonderful family show ~ as long as you like football ~ and the acting is outstanding. I wish we had more high quality TV programming like this ~ I just hate what goes for entertainment on mainstream TV ~ and I have no tolerance for all the commercials.

[Margm]

My granddaughter and I have watched every episode of The Golden Girls and I have laughed and laughed.  It was her choice.  The Golden Girls are on Hulu.  

[scba]

I think I will watch Our souls, too....with a box of tissues next to me. I read the synopsis. 

 

[Margm]

I was watching it with dread, but it was Robert Redford!!!!!   My family all have to keep me quiet after I have seen something.  They don't want to hear me give away anything.  And, I am the type of person, if I am reading a mystery and cannot keep my eyes open any longer, I will skip to the end of the book.  My mom did this too.  If the book is good, and 75% of the time it is, I go back and reread from where I left to the end of the book.  It took away no enjoyment at all.  At the end of this movie, and you might miss it, in the box that is sent to her, look what he sent her.  The end of the movie was not really "the end" for either of them.  These were older people who missed the closeness and conversation.........at night.......in bed....and this was not about sex.  This was a clean, heartfelt movie that many of us can identify with, especially if you are "elderly."  And, you have got to know, I was not old or elderly until Billy left.  

I have got to say "Blue Bloods" threw me for a loop.  I did not expect this.  Won't say anything if you have it recorded.  But, "Chicago Fire," the way it started out, I immediately started real sobbing.  Then, surprise, surprise.  I won't watch "Grey's Anatomy" because Shonda Rhimes keeps killing my characters off.  

Yeah, I watch a lot of TV, but I have not forgotten how to read either.  

[scba]

49 minutes ago, Marg M said:

These were older people who missed the closeness and conversation.........at night.......in bed....and this was not about sex.  This was a clean, heartfelt movie that many of us can identify with, especially if you are "elderly."  And, you have got to know, I was not old or elderly until Billy left.  

 

Jane and Robert could be my grandparents. Yet when I read the synopsis and nytimes review I understood why she made him that initial proposal. Real life is not a movie, but I understood. 

I am not old acording to my ID. But I am.....

[Margm]

No Ana, real life is not a movie.  I have not read the book, but I read so many reviews of the book, not the movie, because I was afraid to watch it.  I am very mindful of the scar tissue I have formed.  Easily raw flesh with just a word or memory.  I think they took a few advantages in the movie over the book, as in the book, I think they had eight children between them.  Probably not time to make a movie of eight different opinions in a movie.  I liked his daughter's opinion, or lack of opinion, but her son's opinion was made from a life in turmoil of his own, slights he perceived from his mom and his own personal life.  What would the movie have done with eight of those opinions.  My grandmother (my dad's mother) was in her 50's when my granddad passed.  Her best friend passed afterwards and she and her best friend's husband began talking.  All four of her children stepped in and stopped this.  I had just entered my teens and grew up with the notion that "children should be seen and not heard" so I had no voice, but I could see nothing wrong with her friendship.  Her marriage had been contentious on my granddad's part, I could see no real closeness.  I did not understand relationships anyhow.  

And, like you said, Jane and Robert could be your grandparents.  Granted, this movie will not mean the same to you much younger people as it does to the older ones.  Just a movie about just two lonesome people.

[scba]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 

And, like you said, Jane and Robert could be your grandparents.  Granted, this movie will not mean the same to you much younger people as it does to the older ones.  Just a movie about just two lonesome people.

I am too quite aware of my scar tissue and I have become too much over Protective about. Life is not a movie. I found very little understanding outside from here. People want to see my old self. I give them the mask of my old self. Too painful and difficult, over the time, to explain why the old self, its majority, is gone. This is not something that just happened.....That has been my experience. 

I don't remember which movies I watched in the early days. I remember PS I love you, Hillary Swank and the male actor are closer to my age, yet I hated it. I watched Titanic again, and I cried for different reasons than the first time. I wasn't paying attention to Leo Di Caprio beauty, as I did when I was a teenager.

I still remember quotes from the movie Jackie. I understood why she blamed herself, why she wore her old dresses while drinking, why she wore a veil for the funeral. Why she made those questions to the priest.

[Autumn2]

Just watched Our Souls and could relate. I watch a lot of TV as it blocks out a lot of painful thoughts. Anything really romantic I cannot watch right now. Besides the ones already listed (and I guess we all gravitate to the same stuff), I like Bletchly Circle, Land Girls, Wallander and Tom Selleck's character Jesse Stone...all available on Netflix.  Bletchly Circle and Land Girls all relate to the time of WW2. Oh, also forgot, absolutely loved all seasons of Call the Midwives...also Netflix .  Anything to get me thinking about other things.

[Margm]

Hmmm.....my first boyfriend looked just like James Dean, of course that was the time of that style, then Billy was a taller Steve McQueen.  Wonder if I can find an old Robert Redford?  No Billy, it does not tempt me.  Still, it was Robert Redford for gosh sake.  

[Gin]

Had a very do-nothing day.  So, I called my brother and a friend.  My friend and her boyfriend are taking a trip and told me all about it.  My brother also is taking a car trip. It reminds me of all the trips Al and I took.  I am happy for them, but feel so bad that Al and I are not going to do that anymore.  It sure is hard to listen to all the good times they are planning.  I guess it is time to find a movie to watch.

[TomPB]

10 hours ago, Marg M said:

 These were older people who missed the closeness and conversation.........at night.......in bed....and this was not about sex.  This was a clean, heartfelt movie that many of us can identify with, especially if you are "elderly."  And, you have got to know, I was not old or elderly until Billy left.  

I have got to say "Blue Bloods" threw me for a loop.  I did not expect this.  Won't say anything if you have it recorded.

One of the things I miss the most is holding on to Susan at night. We were always touching and I mean when not having sex, tho that is a huge loss too. 

Blue Bloods certainly got my attention! However it is TV and IMO, unsurprisingly, made dealing with the situation way too neat and easy. 

[Gwenivere]

Test post.   Seem to be missing days of posts today.

[Gin]

Gwen . That has happened to me periodically.  Never found out why.  Glad you are back.

[kayc]

It's like everyone is in a contemplative mood lately.  It's quiet.  Maybe it's everything that's going on lately.

[Gwenivere]

I think it's because we are much more sensitive to 'bad' news and there has beeen so much of it.  The Las Vegas shootings brought me to tears thinking of the long term effects on so many of the survivors lives and the families hit by the loss.  For those who have never suffered loss, they will feel the sadness and outrage, but don't know what happens after something so horrific is not the headline anymore.  

[Brad]

It has been quite a while since I've shared here; trust me you have never been far from my mind.  I'm now in the third year of grief.  For me, it is not as bad as the first two years were.  I still struggle to find joy but I have been able to find more happiness than sadness.  The challenge is to find contentment in my home.  I still go to bed very early just to move onto the next day.

I am fortunate in that I've been able to return to something I love: teaching.  For me, it 's a delightful distraction.  It allows me to focus on something other than my pain.  It gives me the thrill of watching the excitement of new discoveries.  It also gives me the ability to travel more, do more, take in more, than I could have had I not returned to my classroom.  

I've mentioned my friend whose husband is late stage Lewy Body.  It is nice to have someone with like interests: hiking, traveling, theatre, ballet, music and the arts.  People always jump to the conclusion we are dating; we aren't.  We are two lonely people who can commiserate with each other.  In each other, we have found companionship.  

For me the lack of meaningful human contact that has been the hardest challenge.  I can socialize but I end up finding excuses to leave early because so many people just cannot understand.  I gravitate to those who do.

Compared with where I was at two years ago, I am better.  Compared with where I was at on July 24, 2015, and before, I still have a very long way to go.

I saw a quote: don't know from whom, but it went something like this:

If you're sad you're looking toward the past.  If you're anxious you're looking toward the future.  If you're happy you're looking at today.

While I generally don't pay much attention to short truisms, I do try more to look at today and try to spend less time looking at yesterday.

[scba]

49 minutes ago, Brad said:

I am fortunate in that I've been able to return to something I love: teaching.  For me, it 's a delightful distraction.  It allows me to focus on something other than my pain.  It gives me the thrill of watching the excitement of new discoveries.  It also gives me the ability to travel more, do more, take in more, than I could have had I not returned to my classroom.  

 

I'm glad for you Brad. My job distracts me too, but it's not what I love/like/enjoy to do, I'm not thrilled about my tasks anymore. I'm not sure what I like or love anymore. I have started to think that, perhaps, I may change profession in a couple of years, I'm tired of working 8hs in a desk with Excel charts. I tried to find a job closer to the one I had before my boyfriend died (I'd to quit afterwards), to feel that I haven't lost everything that was part of my world. Maybe I lost all of it and all of me. I'll see...

 

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

It has been quite a while since I've shared here; trust me you have never been far from my mind.  I'm now in the third year of grief.  For me, it is not as bad as the first two years were.  I still struggle to find joy but I have been able to find more happiness than sadness.  The challenge is to find contentment in my home.  I still go to bed very early just to move onto the next day.

I am fortunate in that I've been able to return to something I love: teaching.  For me, it 's a delightful distraction.

....  It is nice to have someone with like interests: hiking, traveling, theatre, ballet, music and the arts.  People always jump to the conclusion we are dating; we aren't.  We are two lonely people who can commiserate with each other.  In each other, we have found companionship.  

For me the lack of meaningful human contact that has been the hardest challenge.  I can socialize but I end up finding excuses to leave early because so many people just cannot understand.  I gravitate to those who do.

Compared with where I was at two years ago, I am better.  Compared with where I was at on July 24, 2015, and before, I still have a very long way to go.

I saw a quote: don't know from whom, but it went something like this:

If you're sad you're looking toward the past.  If you're anxious you're looking toward the future.  If you're happy you're looking at today.

While I generally don't pay much attention to short truisms, I do try more to look at today and try to spend less time looking at yesterday.

I came across this video and it sounds like what you are doing:  Keep moving forward. 

I'm at 2yrs 8 months and seeing some changes, growth and hope for the future.  It takes time to unfold.  Keep on keeping on. - Shalom

[Margm]

Brad, so glad to have you back, even for a little while.  No............that does not sound right.  We missed you, the griever, the person who hurt.  I know you still hurt, but you  seem to be applying more than a Band-Aid.  I admire that.  Anything that helps you along this lonesome journey.  I finally found a picture of Billy I could look at without crying and for some reason, it  comforted me.  We all have to find a way to survive.......or we die also.  Might be a wish many of us have.  Billy and I spent our retirement years helping care for grown family, but we always found time to hike, to visit these hills and back-roads.  

I'm happy your enjoying your job.  A teacher is a wonderful thing to be and my sister spends more hours grading essays than she does in class, so the pay for the hours spent does not ever even out, but the time spent with young minds, knowing you might be of some help is worth all the extra hours.  (And, for once in a long time, those hours are not empty).  

And, I am happy you have someone you can talk with.  I know the disease of the mind her husband has and it is good you are there for her also.  Life itself is a great teacher and you just have to try to stay away from the bottom of the grading scale.  Some semblance of happiness my friend, you deserve it.  

[Brad]

What a strange journey we are all on.  It defies logic.  The inconsistancy of it drives me nuts.  I ran into drop some things off at my classroom this morning.  Driving home, I suddenly found myself sobbing; I don't know why other than a despair of being the survivor.  Since then I've lacked motivation.  I'm writing grants, they tend to be a decent distraction, but I can't focus now.  No identifiable triggers, just a funk.  A year ago, two years ago, this was common place; since Europe it's a rarity and even then I could identify the trigger: birthdays, anniversaries, markers.  

On 11/1/2017 at 6:09 AM, Marg M said:

(And, for once in a long time, those hours are not empty).  

In rereading recent posts, Marg may have hit on it.  Possibly I've filled up those empty hours so much, between teaching, concerts, musicals, ballet, now that I have an empty weekend my mind is going back and not forward.  At least I learned that this too, like the good moments, will pass.

[MartyT]

19 minutes ago, Brad said:

 At least I learned that this too, like the good moments, will pass.

Yes, dear Brad, this too will pass. Keep that in mind ~ and know that we are here with you until it does ♥

[scba]

43 minutes ago, Brad said:

Possibly I've filled up those empty hours so much, between teaching, concerts, musicals, ballet, now that I have an empty weekend my mind is going back and not forward.  At least I learned that this too, like the good moments, will pass.

The same here Brad. My days are filled, to avoid empty hours and even empty minutes. I have re read an email I sent to a friend Three years ago, teeling the news. Started to sob....

It will pass, yes....