Reflections and musings

[Margm]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

  But you've always tended to be nomadic,

Tom, Kay said that because we were RVers.  We tried homesteading.  We kept our kids in one school and lived in the house 17 years.  The only home I ever cried leaving was the one that was being pulled away when we bought the stix and brix to help my son get off drugs.  We gave up that way of life to help our adult son.  He got himself off drugs, it was worth it.  In March of 2015, we bought our last new RV.  Billy studied it out and instead of a 5th wheel (we had had three 5th wheels, one cab over camper) and we were going to try it out.  We spent many a night in the RV hooked up to our stix and brix waiting to clear everything away and put the house on the market.  We had already had people coming and wanting to buy.  August 31st we found out his backaches were more than the slipped disks he had fought since his late 30's, early 40's.  He had a brain aneurysm.  We were optimistic, they could take care of it (we were led to believe).  We ate at Outbacks, our first time ever.  That man loved a T-bone.  He was so sick that night I had him at the ER where they were to get rid of the brain aneurysm.  We found out  his whole body was riddled with cancer.  He had two checkups a year with lab work.  (He had stents in his kidney arteries).  Somehow, I believe if they had checked on his liver function tests at one of those  checkups, well...........I don't know.  I do know his doctor, a friend of ours from Louisiana, he never sent a bill.  As it was, he went fast.  August 31st brain aneurysm and October 17th he was gone.  Not much chemo in that little amount of time.  At this juncture in my life, I am glad he did not hurt long.  I had 50 morphine left and I was going to go with him.  Religion made me question my destination.  But, like I said, we were not homesteaders.  Staying in that house we did not want to be in was the loudest quiet I had ever heard.  Billy  would not have done it this way, but he could have pulled the RV.  

[TomPB]

Marg, I feel with you ❤️.

We were "homesteaders". However our vacation mode was sailing, hopping with a no-frills but seaworthy & comfortable 33' boat from harbor to harbor. We called it camping on the water. Susan was a GREAT sailor. If we got to have the next stage of our life that we had just started to think about, we would have spent more time cruising, longer trips, new adventures etc. Maybe that would be a little like your RVing.

 

[Brad]

Tom -

My house is still Deedo's house.  I'm slowly changing things, but very slowly.  Our bedroom was covered with photographs of our life together; now it's the grandkids and my travels  Deedo had a year-round Christmas room.  That was the first to change; it was her favorite room but for me it became a powerful trigger so now it's my den.  The living room and kitchen are full of her treasures from her time in Europe, before we met.  Those I can't bring myself to change.  I am looking for the "warmth  of her presence" but after thirty months they still are triggers; just triggers that I can handle.  To be honest, this always was Deedo's house, inside and out.  My job was to make certain she had what she wanted to make our house her home.  Slowly I am going through cupboards trying to downsize; more for the kids when I'm gone than for myself.  I don't need a roaster or  dinnerware for 12.  I need one plate, two pans, a couple of coffee cups, etc.

[Margm]

Today my daughter posted about 6-7 pictures of our last visit to New Mexico together.  All were of Billy by himself, except this one.  "The Way We Were."  Ripped the scar tissue right off and brought me back to the day I brought his ashes home.  Just some drama I didn't need.

I will get better.  I saved them but hid them.  I put all of us on there instead of only him.  Will save those for later.

We are expecting 2-3 inches of snow tonight.  They already have the steps into the apartments rock salted.  

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, TomPB said:

Seems to me there is a lot of variation. Some move ASAP, some stay. Some stop the old routines, some keep them. I'm not planning to move. This is OUR place. Susan loved living here, and I won't let grief drive me out. Susan is in every part of it. Her spirit must be here. Unfortunately I feel the pain of her loss more than the warmth of her presence, but I hope that will reverse. Susan used to say "🐼s hate change" so she will not be surprised.

Wow, Tom, your post really resonated with me.  Hadn’t looked at it that way - not letting the grief drive me out.  And the pain of her loss more than the warmth of her presence?  So perfectly worded.  We already lost them physically.  I know for me there is no other place to be.  I don’t think any of our partners would be the least surprised how change is the last thing we ever wanted, and I don’t mean the furniture.  I’ve had to change some things (broken lamp, living room chair) but the feeling of our home remains intact.  That double edged sword.  The good memories and now the pain.

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I have so much cooking and dinnerware.  I once thought about going through it and getting rid of stuff (dinnerware is handy because I hate washing dishes and the dishwasher is my buddy).  But the cookware?  I looked at it all and said nah uh, don’t even want to deal with sorting that.  I just moved the very few things I use to the front. All simple stuff like you.  Cabinet doors are marvelous barriers too.  I’m too tired of changing more after 3 years.  The executor can deal with it. 

I know Deedo had her Christmas room.   How was it changing it into an office?   How did you handle it emotionally?  I still have a sticker Steve made saying Gwenny's Workshop he put up one holiday season I’ll never take down. I left Steve's as it was, tho it is pretty bare because it is organized now, something that never happened when he was here.  It’s almost spooky.    I often had to skip cleaning it as he had so much stuff scattered everywhere.  Rarely could vacuum with his music charts all over the floor.  He’d say leave the vacuum, I’ll do it later.  I knew better and would do it on band nights he needed his papers.  

[scba]

I left the apt we were renting 3 weeks later. My parents came to take me home with them. I was in a state of constant pain and crying. But I will never forget the packing and the moment I left forever. My in laws came back to take out the rest. 

We spent little time living together, few memories and covered by grief. his health declined and he spent more and more time in hospital. Yet, I had the place in order and took care, in hopes he would be back for good. Before the series of hospitalization, we bought furniture and stuff, also for future use. The beginning was soon the end.

Where I rent now there is nothing from our place. Stuff like dishes are from my parents, what I bought was more from necessity rather decoration. I slept on a couch for 6 months, I then needed to sleep on a bed so I bought one.  . keep things in order and I dont clean every day. I have downsized. I know there is a rejection on me to make anything look like my home and my place again. Hope I will change.

My in laws kept some boxes. Once, I faced them, opened them, and the pain from day 1, 2, 3.....was store in there. The sight of the future that was never ment to be, the contact with things we worked hard  to own and buy, it all cancelled months and months of therapy. I throw away my stuff, and kept there "our" stuff. The sight of our drink glasses was more pain-powerful than anything else. my MIL kindly left the boxes were they were and ask no more to do.

 

I admire those who rebuild their lifes and homes. 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

Unfortunately I feel the pain of her loss more than the warmth of her presence

In the beginning, that is so.  In time it will likely change, it did for me.  In the beginning the loss is just so fresh, it takes much time for this to become a part of us, to adjust to, and for our grief to evolve.

[kayc]

Marg, I love the picture.  Yes it's painful to look at, I rarely ever look at pictures other than the ones I have up on the wall.  Too hard to go through.  But all those memories are still in my head.  Times of us camping, fishing (I had to wear rubber gloves as I'm allergic to fish), rides, visiting friends, going to church, it's all there in my head.  How happy we were!

[Margm]

I cannot take pictures and put them on here.  I can copy them and put them on here.  If I had stayed in Louisiana then possibly looking outside this morning would excite me but living in Arkansas for almost 20 years made me "take snow for granted."  It served to make snow ice cream.  We have a winter wonderland this morning.  Snow everywhere.  I stay away from the news, very seldom look at the weather, it is what it is.  Yesterday I wore a long sleeve shirt.  Today, I need a parka.  Will turn up the heat and get a long sleeve shirt on.  I knew it was predicted, but  it was so comfortable yesterday.  Was surprised to see the rock salt scattered everywhere.  I don't remember any of this last year...........but, I honestly do not remember the last year.

[TomPB]

Brad and Gwen, I have lots of every kind of tableware, decorative bowls, pitchers, plates etc, all those wedding presents like silver trays nobody knows what to do with. Tablecloths. Most painful are Susan's cookie making things. No ideas & no plan.

Sometimes think I'm a ghost haunting this place that was so warm.

[Margm]

Tom, we actually do each walk different paths.  Not a single one of them is wrong.  I have not regretted moving at all.  My kids live back up there and as of yet, I have a hard time returning.  I am never at home, because Billy was home.  Some have pictures all around them of their lost love, it gives them comfort.  Perhaps I need to have Billy's picture everywhere I look, maybe I would get over the avoidance of seeing him and get used to it.  Am I running away?  Maybe so.  Being showered with his pictures ripped whatever "scar tissue" I had built up though.  I sleep with his clothes that he wore all the time.  They are between two big pillows.  I have put mine and his picture together, with us both laughing in front of his urn.  I even made myself my own tool box.  I bought all new tools.  I cannot tell you why.  But, I do what makes me comfortable.  He is not coming back and perhaps giving all his hunting and fishing gear away tells me he was not going to use them again.  I am not sure we ever will reach the happiness that we had when we had them.  We had 54 years together and still had plans.  The path we walk on is the one that makes us feel most comfortable.  I don't remember who said it, I think one of the members that has remarried, he said "one size does not fit all."  It doesn't.  

[TomPB]

Marg, I definitely want to take the path that makes me most comfortable. Nobody is trying to steer me off it or tell me what to do. My problem is simply finding what it is! When I ask for advice people are always telling me I can do whatever I want! I respond that I know that, I asked for advice. I am a deeply confused 🐼

[Margm]

Tom, read on, you will find out we are all "deeply confused."  We are alone.  It is not easy.  Maybe comfortable is not a good word.  Acceptance is bad too.  I have to tell myself "well, he is not coming back."  And, sometimes I can build up a sort of "scar tissue" and I hope avoidance is not what I am doing.  You can sign me also.........deeply confused.  

[Gin]

Deeply confused is putting it mildly.  I have no idea which path to take.  In fact, I do not see  any paths to choose from.  So, I just keep doing the same thing every day, feeling lonely and missing Al so much.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, unfortunately, as totally confusing and confounding as it is, not knowing which path to take is part of the normal grief process.

In hopes that it will offer some useful insights, I invite you to read Transition after Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone ~ including some of the related articles listed at the base. ♥

[Margm]

And I always felt my "inner Avalon" would be some seedy motel in some little town in West Texas with tumbleweeds covering one whole side, a good TV, a bed with no bedbugs and just alone time where no one knew where I was, signed in with a false name, paying cash, car hid by the tumbleweeds, but I somehow knew someone would find me.  And then my inner Avalon was replaced by my inner demon and knew I had to be there because people still needed me.  I didn't want to be needed.  It is what it is.

 Neutral Zone – a seemingly unproductive “time-out” when we feel totally disconnected from people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present

That is something I understand.  

[KarenK]

I have been trapped in that zone for a very long time now.

[TomPB]

Christina Rasmussen refers to being in "the waiting room"

[kayc]

22 hours ago, TomPB said:

Brad and Gwen, I have lots of every kind of tableware, decorative bowls, pitchers, plates etc, all those wedding presents like silver trays nobody knows what to do with. Tablecloths. Most painful are Susan's cookie making things. No ideas & no plan.

Sometimes think I'm a ghost haunting this place that was so warm.

Do you have a daughter, daughter-in-law, or granddaughter to pass them down to?  No one wants my beautiful china, crystal, etc., don't know what to do with it either.  Most of George's tools were at his job and they stole it, gave it to someone so when my son drove there to pick them up (75 miles from here) they were all gone.  I should have sued them as I had receipts but I had my hands full just trying to survive the day...

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

some seedy motel in some little town in West Texas with tumbleweeds covering one whole side, a good TV, a bed with no bedbugs and just alone time where no one knew where I was, signed in with a false name, paying cash, car hid by the tumbleweeds

You don't ask for much, Marg!  You could come here, no one would find you!    And I don't have bedbugs, just Arlie and Kitty!

[Margm]

Okay, I'm not used to snow.  I could hardly see my little Yaris.  I scraped some of the windshield front and back and backed it up (blindly) to the curb across from me in the sun and hopefully it will do the rest.  I'm no longer a kid.  There was enough snow on that car to make Billy the Kid gallons of snow ice cream.  It was light and powdery and opening the doors (strangely easy to do), the powder sifted onto the seats.  My poor cousin moving from her plantation style home over to the east of where I now live (they had it built to look like the old plantations) and moving off of Lake Michigan.  But, I'm sure they had a garage to keep their cars in.  My poor little Ferris Yaris.  I'm sorry,  I'm glad I left Arkansas and that is as far north as I want to go.  I lost all of my nomad instincts when Billy left.  Strange.  

[TomPB]

Susan and I always patted ourselves on the back for not having a car, but especially in the winter.

kayc, no, no obvious person to take all this stuff. A few pieces here and there, sure, but there is a lot.

Just got off the phone with our homeowners insurance telling them that communication had to be with me now - Susan always handled it. I dread this stuff. In this case our agent told me she had lost her husband 2 yrs ago so we had a nice supportive chat, best case scenario.

[kayc]

Tom,

I'm glad you reached someone who understood, I remember a job interview I went to where the woman had lost her husband and she talked to me about it.  She would have hired me but it was left to a youngster that didn't know up from down, you know how it goes.  Anyway it does help to run across people that have been through it, kind of makes it easier.

[Margm]

On 1/16/2018 at 12:21 AM, scba said:

Once, I faced them, opened them, and the pain from day 1, 2, 3.....was store in there.

Ana, I opened one box, saw something that speared me in the heart, and have not opened anymore.  I have one box marked "linens" and I bought all new ones so I have not even opened it.  I might never be able to.  I have gotten used to the big plastic boxes with tops that are clipped on, as furniture.  I'm fine with that.

Addendum:  There is always the option to give what is in the boxes to people in need.  To do that I would have to sort through them.  I'm not ready for that.