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Karen,

We care for you too.  This is the place where we feel commonality.

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9 hours ago, KarenK said:

This is my home. This is where I feel love and appreciation. I may post something off topic, give TMI or not reply to a post because I simply have no words. I care for each and every one of you and hope that our paths will become easier over time.

Karen, I wrote somewhere (oh, these "run on" fingers) that I did not know why bad things happen to good people.  But they do, and that will forever be so.  Why is the marriage of the Queen of England going on 70 years when one young couple only made it three months.  Why did my school friend lose her mother and father to murder-suicide, marry her childhood sweetheart, have children, young children and he dies in a car wreck.  Why is she left to take care of a bedridden daughter from a stroke, still young, and a grown grandson with CP.  What did she ever do to deserve all this?  I have no answers, but I have lots of questions.

I wish you peace my friend.  That is why we come on this forum.  Someone always has more problems than we do and we wonder how they cope with life.  One member said that getting out of bed was an accomplishment.  I did it this morning, but will have to make up sleep tonight for that I missed last night.  When falling off that cliff, we reach for anything. Sometimes I wonder why.  But we still reach.  My heart is with you all, and my prayers, whether you want them or need them, or even believe in them; hoping my faith takes them above the ceiling.    

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A friend of ours died yesterday.  It was quite unexpected.  Her husband has had dementia for the past several years and has been on the decline.  They had just relocated to Colorado so she could be closer to her son and his family.  Also so he could help her take care of her husband.  Upon hearing the news my initial reaction was what a lucky person her husband was to have dementia; otherwise he would be forced down the road we are all travelling.

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On 4/17/2016 at 9:40 AM, Marg M said:

One member said that getting out of bed was an accomplishment.   

That was me actually.

And it's true, especially in the early months of our loss. There were times (after waking up in the morning and realizing Tammy wasn't in bed next to me) that getting up was like trying to get out of quicksand. I had no motivation, no reason to accomplish anything and could barely do anything beyond basic necessities like eating. And even that was a challenge.

Along the way, and in time, I slowly looked at this awful new life differently. Not that it wasn't awful anymore, it still was. It's just that instead of living each day only longing for my old life, I realized I had to live in the here and now, too. To do that, I took all the love and lovely memories of my darling Tammy, and began using that as fuel to move into a better place emotionally.

These days, getting out of bed is easier but it still hurts knowing Tammy isn't here to share in my accomplishments.

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Brad,

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.  Her husband will have to go somewhere where he is cared for.  He will undoubtedly realize she isn't around, just won't remember she died.  It's not a blessing though because they experience the death all over again when they're reminded.  I saw my mom cry when she was told my dad was gone...he'd been gone for 32 years but it hit her like it just happened (she had advanced dementia).

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5 hours ago, mittam99 said:

That was me actually.

And it's true, especially in the early months of our loss. There were times (after waking up in the morning and realizing Tammy wasn't in bed next to me) that getting up was like trying to get out of quicksand. I had no motivation, no reason to accomplish anything and could barely do anything beyond basic necessities like eating. And even that was a challenge.

Along the way, and in time, I slowly looked at this awful new life differently. Not that it wasn't awful anymore, it still was. It's just that instead of living each day only longing for my old life, I realized I had to live in the here and now, too. To do that, I took all the love and lovely memories of my darling Tammy, and began using that as fuel to move into a better place emotionally.

These days, getting out of bed is easier but it still hurts knowing Tammy isn't here to share in my accomplishments.

Mitch:  I have been doing since John died, but can't seem to get past the depression that is now plaguing me 10 months out.  It's changed from overwhelming anxiety to more depression; I guess I should be happy there has been a change.  I am impressed that you can use your love for Tammy as fuel to do things.  I had/have such great love for John, but it seems to just make me feel awful....

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Cookie, believe me, I still have many moments where I feel lost and my life feels empty. I've just been able to take that love I shared with Tammy and use it in a way that keeps me going. I think it certainly helps that I've had some almost magical things happen that give me hope that Tammy exists on some level and not just in my heart.

I'm so sorry about your depression. Are you on medication (if that's too personal a question, my apologies) for it? 

I want to make one thing clear to everyone. Yes, I am in a "better place" emotionally than I was a few months ago. But, I'm still a grief trigger away from being a basket case. I still have a long way to go to reach any semblance of happiness. I want those of you who are still at your lowest low emotionally to realize that what has happened to me (coping better) can happen to you. It may feel hopeless now, but things do change during this grief journey and sometimes things improve. 

 

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2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I want to make one thing clear to everyone. Yes, I am in a "better place" emotionally than I was a few months ago. But, I'm still a grief trigger away from being a basket case. I still have a long way to go to reach any semblance of happiness.

And sometimes there are still those moments when Wham! Bam! Out of nowhere! the tear ducts open and there is no control.  I had that yesterday driving to the store.  No trigger. Just suddenly it was there and stayed there for a long time (for me anyway).  I see my progress in that I am no longer on medication for my depression and coping okay-not great jsut okay.  I no longer am seeing my grief counselor nor my psychiatrist.  And I'm okay, not great, not so-so, just okay, but at almost nine months that's as good as I can hope for.  I'll know that I am better when I stop walking seven to eleven miles a day.

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6 hours ago, Brad said:

I'll know that I am better when I stop walking seven to eleven miles a day.

May I ask why?  An escape meaning there's something to escape from... or?  Sorry if there is another thread I missed about that... I just ask because the pain at home is so great I'm running from being there.  And I hate that because I know it has always been my safe place with Ron.

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I'll let Brad explain his hikes, but I know I try and get out as much as I can because being home is so hard alone now.  I hate coming home and even have a physical reaction to it.  My mood drops and often I get a headache.  So when I can someday come home without those feelings, I'll know I am becoming more accepting.  I want to feel this is a safe place again too.  When I come home and feel that, I won't feel the need to create reasons to not be here.  

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On ‎2‎/‎29‎/‎2016 at 1:19 PM, enna said:

I thought I would refresh this quote Anne gave us because it gives some hope we might find our path.  Brad what happened to you yesterday still happens to me too and Mitch I think I can still become a basket case even today but it doesn't happen as frequently now. I am further along understanding these words below for I know I'm healing yet I know I shall never be healed.

 

we are learning.jpg

 

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Patty,

Hiking has always been my place of solace.  When I'm hiking my mind wanders but I am able to, at least while I'm hiking, put life into a different perspective.  The interesting thing is the happier I am the less I feel a need to hike, so hiking is my escape.  When I am home I focus more on my pain and what I've lost.  When I'm hiking I find myself reflecting on the past with warmth and fondness and a few tears of gratitude.  I've always preferred hiking alone than with others.  I treasure the me time.  Of course now all I have is me time but then it is still different when I'm out there.  Especially now the ospreys have returned and the forest is becoming more alive.  Saw this little vixen the other day- pretty excited as it was the first fox I've seen in a while.

 

IMG_1851.jpg

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"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you."  

Brad this gets me every time I read it.  If you hold it in your heart, your courage begins to show itself.

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For me it is walking along the beach at dawn before anyone is about. I did that on the first anniversary of Kathy's death and sadly don't get to do it as much as I would like. To smell and hear the ocean was something we did together. We needed as we would say, to "get our ocean fix". Couldn't get over there often enough but when I was in Maui, I saturated myself with it. I for one love the calm and peace yet my mind never for a minute escapes thoughts of her. I think it's a good thing really to have peace yet thoughts like that. Now that I think about it never once did a tear fill my eye last September when I was out there with nature, and her. That for me was a pretty big deal.

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Steve -

17 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you."  

Brad this gets me every time I read it.  If you hold it in your heart, your courage begins to show itself.

Me too.  I have a picture on the bedroom wall with Deedo and our granddaughter blowing dandelion puff balls and that quote is on there.  I need the reminder frequently as I don't always feel that brave or that strong.

7 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

For me it is walking along the beach at dawn before anyone is about. I did that on the first anniversary of Kathy's death and sadly don't get to do it as much as I would like. To smell and hear the ocean was something we did together. We needed as we would say, to "get our ocean fix". Couldn't get over there often enough but when I was in Maui, I saturated myself with it. I for one love the calm and peace yet my mind never for a minute escapes thoughts of her. I think it's a good thing really to have peace yet thoughts like that. Now that I think about it never once did a tear fill my eye last September when I was out there with nature, and her. That for me was a pretty big deal.

Deedo and I loved the ocean too, especially the Riviera Maya south of Cancun; amazing snorkeling and scuba.  We especially loved our midnight swims with the phophorescent plankton sans suits of course.  Deedo was in Hawaii once when she was a stewardess but I've never been there.  Fortunately I have twelve miles of trails right outside my door and dozens of other trails within a short drive so I don't need to wait to get my "nature fix".  It is a good place to remember the wonder of our life together.  Any time any of us can reflect on our love without a tear is a VERY big deal.  :rolleyes:

 

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

... I know I try and get out as much as I can because being home is so hard alone now.  I hate coming home and even have a physical reaction to it.  My mood drops and often I get a headache.  So when I can someday come home without those feelings, I'll know I am becoming more accepting.  I want to feel this is a safe place again too.  When I come home and feel that, I won't feel the need to create reasons to not be here.  

Gwen, this just goes to show how each of our grief journeys can be similar, yet so different. I like being in this house. It is still our house and always will be our house.. It's where the two of us spent most of our time together, especially in the last few years of Tammy's illness. I feel comfort here. What's harder for me (and right now almost impossible) is going to places outside of the house we spent time at (restaurants and such).

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Mitch, I feel the same way.  This is home and I find comfort being here.  We have lived here 24 years and it was our home with all the good and bad times, but it is our home.  I don't go to our favorite places outside of home, I just can't do that yet, maybe because what made them our favorite places was because we were together.  Seeing his things in our home is comforting and the public places those items are not there, does that make any sense?

Joyce

 

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Makes sense to me, Joyce.

This home is where a large part of my life with Tammy was spent. We ate here, slept here, made love here. There were also many difficult times when we dealt with horrific medical issues. But we dealt with everything, good and bad, as a team. On the other hand, going to a restaurant alone that we enjoyed together is something I can't imagine doing. Like you said, the comforting things we have at home aren't there. And what we really won't see is our loved one smiling and having a good time with us. All we'd see is a cold restaurant and wonderful memories that will never be again.

But again, grief is an individual journey. We're all different. Some people may find that going to "old haunts" brings comfort yet staying at home is torture for them. Like I always say, there's no rule book for grief.

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I'm the same way.  Had 27 years of wonderful memories and magical times here.  Fortunately the bad times were mostly at the Hope Lodge and our apartment in Mesa.  It was easy to walk away from there. 

Just been out getting Deedo's pond running for the next six months.  I am going to need to learn to reframe my perception of our yard though.  I spent years landscaping it for Deedo.  I landscaped and she maintained it.  She loved it and I still see it as her yard.  Now I need to understand it is my yard and I need to stop thinking that it is hers.  As far as restaurants go; we're pretty limited here so if I am taking someone out for dinner or breakfast there is only one place to go and that was our place.  I don't go there on my own, however.

 

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Thank you Mitch and Brad, it's reassuring to know that not being able to go to "old haunts" is not just my insecurity and that I'm not crazy for not wanting to do that.

Brad - thank you for sharing the pictures of Deedo's beautiful pond and landscape.  You can stop thinking that it is not hers anymore, but you can still honor her with keeping some of it the same and then changing some to make it your own, the combination of both of you will be perfect.

Joyce

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Joyce,. I haven't been to any of the social place Steve and I went to since September of 2014.  Just can't do it.  I tried getting take out twice from our favorite and drove home in tears both times.  Maybe I could do it now as I do miss the food, but I don't want to take the chance? and am too well known by the staff so that means asking his I am doing and such.  I haven't been out to eat sit down dining since he died.  Had offers but no interest.  It was rare we went out with others, but we were together.  It's like every place else to me.  I'd just be so aware he wasn't there.  He was the boisterous one that kept everyone on thier toes.  That's why the house feels so cold now to me.  He was always making 'trouble' of some sort.  I may have bitched about it back then, but it was the norm.  The silence really gets to me.  I know that why restaurants hold no appeal.  Seeing all those people interacting as I once did.

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I understand Gwen, the silence is killing me too.  Dale was always up to something and even the things that would annoy me I miss now.  I wish you could find comfort in your home, it has to be very hard.  Even though it is too quiet, it's still a comfort to me and I still feel like it's home. It's like been said before, everyone goes through the same things but differently.  I've been out to dinner since Dale died, but not to our favorite places, I always make sure it's some where "we" didn't go, but even that is difficult because I keep thinking that he might like this place.  I guess we will never be able to go places or do things that we won't think and wonder if he would like this. It really is so difficult after being we for so long to be just me now.

Joyce

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I wish I found more comfort at home too considering how much time I spend here.  I love our home and how we made it ours.  But I sure miss him in and out of rooms, playing with the dogs, playing his music, just in general being a life force here.  I don't know how to live single.  Not liking it as I did when I left home at 18.  Plus, the place is too darned clean!   :angry:

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