the guilt of being happy

[charlie5151]

6 monthes ago whilst my world was going good for a change and I was expecting the birth of my beautiful baby girl..i got a phone call off the police in the middle of the night informing me that my 19yr old brother had taken his own life two weeks before my due date I was devistated and very confused whilst trying to figure out if I should be upset or happy that I was soon to be a mum.beeing on such shock i was admited into hospital so they could monitor baby and give me something to help me sleep.makeing things worse his funarel was planned and took place on my due date..I spent the week keeping it together n trying not to get upset or cry due to me knowing that I had to keep my baby safe..well 10 days over due my gorgeous little bundle arrived and I could not have been happier but I'm still riddled with guilt about being so happy at a time when I should have been in the pits of disparate.but I have had to put on a brave face and smile even tho most of the time I want to break down and cry becouse I can not let my baby see me sad is supposed to be a happy time..I am still struggling to greave as it's all most like I just haven't had the time to greave..but the guilt of beeing so happy at the time is eating me up..makes me wonder Wether I was as close to my brother as I thought I was or something? We are also still waiting for his inquest in wich they keep postponing and don't feel I can put any closer on it entill that had been..my question is will this guilt pass.and is this Normal??

[MartyT]

My dear, I am terribly sorry to learn of your brother's death by suicide. Please know that this is one of the most difficult losses for those left behind to understand and to process. I can refer you to some resources that offer good, reliable information, and I hope you will take advantage of them. That said, I assure you that what you are feeling ~ the coincidental feelings of sorrow and joy ~ is completely normal. We human beings are perfectly capable of holding two (or more) completely opposite feelings in our hearts at the same time. As an example, my younger son and his wife suffered years of infertility and three failed in vitro attempts to conceive a child, and my heart was breaking for them, over and over again. One year after my older son was married, he joyfully announced to the family that he and his wife were expecting their first child. Can you imagine how that felt to my other son, to his wife and to me? I had a terrible time trying to reconcile my joy at becoming a grandmother to one son's baby with the excruciating pain and sorrow I felt for my other son and his wife, who had tried for 14 years to get pregnant and failed. At the time I learned first-hand that I could indeed hold two opposing feelings and, by recognizing and understanding why I felt that way, I was able to let go of any guilt for feeling as I did. If you read anything I've written in these forums, sooner or later you'll find me saying that guilt is a feeling, not a behavior, and oftentimes our feelings are not rational ~ nor are they right or wrong. They just are. What matters is what we DO with what we are feeling. When your precious baby girl is napping, or when you're in the shower, you can use that time away from her as your grieving time. By that I mean you can find a quiet, private place and simply give in to your sorrow and pain. Let your tears wash over you. Scream at the heavens and at your brother if you need to do so. Pound a pillow or rip up some newspapers. The point is to get in touch with your feelings and let them out in a safe place. Consider a couple of sessions with a grief counselor to help you sort through your reactions to this horrific loss. Once you find a safe container for your grief and a private time and place to feel your feelings, you'll be able to come back to your precious little one and rejoice at the sight of her without feeling guilty, and you can do it over and over again.

Here is an article I hope you will read, as it contains a list of Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss, and be sure to check out the Related Articles and Resources listed at the base:  Surviving a Spouse’s Suicide 

See also Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss ♥

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and all the more so for how it took place.  You asked if your feelings are normal, yes, they are.  You ask if you'll get over feeling this way, my answer is you can.  Not "over" as in back to how it was before, it will never be that again, but you will find a new normal for you.  I really hope you'll see a grief counselor, it would help so much as they're trained to guide us through this muddle of grief.

It's okay to cry.  If you don't feel comfortable in front of your baby, go in the shower and cry.  I know how hard it is to get time alone with a new baby, but if you can get someone to watch your child while you go for a walk, cry, scream, whatever.  Journal, blog, it helps to express yourself and get your feelings out.  I like posting here because you know you're heard, which helps.

Also, there are grief support groups and you might look for one on loss of brother or loss to suicide.  It helps to know there are others going through similar things.

[Callie.Rose]

I lost my brother the same way, and it was at a time in my life where things were all finally falling into place. I was just starting to see happiness and then he decided to leave us. I struggle every day with the guilt and the anger. I know that he would want me to be happy and I know that he's proud of me wherever he is but I understand where you're coming from. When I smile and laugh sometimes I feel a sting of guilt following it. 

[kayc]

Callie,

I hope you can take the time to read the link Marty posted above  on suicide loss.

Guilt and anger are emotions that often come with grief, but that doesn't mean it's earned or deserved...just something to keep in mind.  

Have you seen a grief counselor yet?