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Grieving an unexpected death


Juniper

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Almost a year after my father's death, I find myself here. While I am doing better in many ways, I find that my support systems aren't great. I'm 20, married and in college (an uncommon occurrence, I know). While my husband is trying his best and can be very supportive, he still has trouble understanding that grief has no distinct timeline. He wants me to get on antidepressants, and while I agree it might be the better option, he is telling me to do it for the wrong reasons. "How long do you want to feel this way?" is a common thing he tells me. Other than my husband, I have few or no support systems. My brother would rather not talk about it with me, despite enduring the same loss. My father's side of the family has never quite been "there" for me, even before my father died. This may be because I look like my mother, who is an alcoholic. While she is taking steps to recover, my relationship with her is not good because of her actions. I have few friends, and because I'm in college (and have a diabetic cat), I can't often travel to see a friend who might make the process a little easier.

My father died due to complications of diabetes (which he had since he was 20-something years old) and alcoholism (which he took up in the last few years of his life). Someone told me my father was turning to alcohol in the early part of my first year of college. He had to go back to rehab due to a relapse, and I asked my aunt to to tell me when he got out. In April, I didn't visit during Easter because I hadn't heard anything about my father's release yet. It was on Easter day that he died, due to low blood sugar and not attending to it, in his home. They found him two days later. My own family did not notify me of my own father's death; rather, it was my father-in-law, who worked on the police department and saw the forensic photos.

Since this time, my anxiety has peaked considerably. When I think of my future, I become scared. I fear that my anxiety will keep me from obtaining or doing well at a job (ironically). I've also had some major depression. My counselor seems to think I'm doing well because my grades haven't dropped, but I feel she fails to see through the mask. I'm doing well simply because I'm afraid to faulter and not be as good as I can be. I feel crushed under the weight of expectations and having to live up to them, yet I do it anyway. I think my own mental health has suffered as a result, because I have failed to grieve properly. I wanted, so badly, to ignore the issue. My father was the first person I've ever lost that I had a close connection to. I knew he was going to die, but he died too soon. He was only 47.

I'd like to hear about the roughest times in your grief, and the strange, strange mental state that grief put you in. I feel very alone in this, and it's hard to talk to my husband about it when he hasn't experienced grief or a loss. He says he understands, but when I talk to him about what I feel, he sometimes looks at me like I'm an alien with foreign emotions. I don't know. Please share your experiences, and any useful advice.

Have any of you experienced something similar? Anxiety? Depression? Trying to live up to what you're "supposed" to do? An unexpected death? How has it affected you? Have you felt like no one understood what you were going through (as cheesy as that sounds, it's true!)? Share anything and everything.

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Hi, I'm sorry for your loss  I lost my dad when I was 29 and just lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago.  I lost my husband nearly 11 years ago and that was by far the hardest loss I've endured, and yes, anxiety and depression fit.  I learned to take a day at a time and not try to think about the whole rest of my life, it's just too much to bite off.

I'm appalled that your family did not notify you of your dad's death!  That happened to my sisters when their dad died (our mom is the same but our dads are brothers).  They weren't told or given the option to attend the funeral, which I find unforgivable!  My sister's friend read about it in the newspaper and notified her...too late.

There is no magic pill to fix grief.  It takes a lot of time and effort to process the death of a loved one and I highly recommend you see a grief counselor.  I would also schedule an appt. with your doctor, not necessarily to get on antidepressants but because grief can affect your health and I'd be open for suggestion.  Do, however, let him know what you've been going through so he can have the more complete picture.

Taking care of yourself helps...eating healthy, going for walks, drinking plenty of water.  It gives your brain it's best optimal chance for coping.

There are countless stories on here of people's losses, I hope you'll take the time to do some reading and familiarize yourself with this site and all of the helps it offers.  There are many threads in the loss of parent section.

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