Mother in Law passing--> wife is taking it out on my parents!

[mark1984]

So me and my wife have been married for almost 2 years.  From the beginning my parents and her parents did not get along great.  2 different personality types. Mostly the mothers. Essentially, in August of last year, my mother in law woke up jaundiced.  At the same time, my wife was in her 2nd trimester.  After a diagnostic procedure to see what was going on with my MIL, she suffered a stroke. At this point, I told my wife to fly out to the west coast to be with her family and her mother. We get set up wtih an OB, switched insurances and my wife stayed out with her mother to help care for her while I stayed back to run my business.  The baby was born in December and I flew out the week before and stayed for 6 weeks in their house.  Her mother got worse and worse with us in the house and a newborn baby.  My mother in law was able to be there for the birth of our first child.  In Feb, my MIL passed away from cancer after although a short amount of time, very rough ending of her life. My wife and her mother were the closest unit you can imagine. Attached at the umbilical cord, My wife can't pick out an outfit wihtout her mom.  During this time, my parents flew to west coast to see the baby and her mother after she was born along with my brother and sister, flew out to for the funeral, watched our dog for 6 weeks in december, and covered for me at work for weeks(me and my father work together). 

 

Heres where it gets interesting,

Now that my wife and child are home, my wife has shunned my parents. She has come home SOOO angry at my parents.  She has a laundry list of "horrible " things they have done.  These are not new issues. My wife has issues with my parents being "flakey." My mother has been dealign with medical issues of her own and has cancelled on numerous occasions for not feeling great. My parents arent even aware of how they have offended her. My wife is SUPER sensitive but only to my parents. She even admits that everything they do pisses her off.  She describes them as selfish and knieving.  My parents have been great to us during this time in my opinion for the above stated reasons.  In addition, my father as my employer has paved a career for me that most people would drool at the opportunity to have.  They have been more than generous to both me and my wife!   At this point my wife has made it so awkward becasue i'm afraid she will lash out at my parents if we are around them. I want my parents to experience their newborn first granddaughter and they are crushed that my wife feels the way towards them that she does.  I don't know how to handle it, I tried bringing this up last night to simply express how I feel and she burst into tears and demanded we not talk about it. When I got home from work, she acted like nothing happened and was in a "playful" mood.  Overall, since the death, my wife rarely reveals her feelings to me or cries even though i know she is reeling inside. The only time she does, its not a conversation but more of a cry of "why did this happen". I'm in an awkwawrd place, because she is pushing my parents away. She does not see that they are people too and can only take so much insult themselves. She doesn't take their feelings into account.  I don't deny my wifes feeelings have been hurt, but i almost feel like she is pushing them away because she is sad her mom is gone. I was hoping it would be the other way around where she would return and see them as a source of suport. On the other hand, i don't want her time of grieving to be focused on these issues with my parents.  I'm stuck in the middle and it's killing me. Has anybody dealt with this before?  Its such a sensitive subject and i want to let my wife grieve and not deal wtih this, but i worry her anger grows by the day towards my parents.  PLEASE HELP!

[Mom's angel]

I don't know if I should say something on this topic or not but I feel like saying it.

If you all live together then you have a great opportunity to show her how lovely and caring your parents are.

May be your wife is missing her mom and all the grief is making her mood so bad, 

We all who have lost a beloved one has experienced anger at various point in our grief journey. 

I don't know if it is appropriate to say it or not but honestly after the death of my mom( it has been 3 months and I'm 21) I'm jealous of the people who still have their mothers.  If this is the case then make her realizes that they are her parents too, they cannot replace her mother but they'll be there for her when she needs them, if possible try asking your parents especially your mother if they can help. 

I've been in the "why did this happened?" Phase and I'm still in it. 

Let her experience it, don't try to stop her from crying or try to answer any of her question ( as you probably won't know what to say). Just listen.

At times a listener  is all that we grievers want, no answer, no talking just someone who sits there with us. 

I do not open up or express my feelings in front of someone who hasn't experienced a loss as I think they won't understand any of my feelings. 

Give her some time ,don't rush things, don't force talk about her grief, 

Let her realize that you and your parents are always with her and will be there for her. 

Maybe slowly she'll start opening up about her feelings.

 

Sorry if whatever I said was hurtful or silly.

[kayc]

I am so sorry!  It would benefit all of you if you could get family counseling where your wife could get to the root of what's bothering her because unless and until then, no one can come to a resolution.  It is such a waste of precious family time to hold grudges when you have your parents still living and none of us can take that time for granted.  Your parents did much for you guys when needed and I don't care if your mom is the biggest flake in the world, that's not something she can likely help as she has medical issues going on and even if she was born that way, how could she help it?  I hope your wife can learn to appreciate her for who she is instead of having some unrealistic expectation for her.  She is, after all, your child's grandmother, and your mom.  Out of respect for you, at least, she should make effort.

Could your wife be experiencing postpartum blues?  Has all this been since the pregnancy/childbirth or has she always been this way?  Is it grief?  She could also greatly benefit from a grief counselor.  Could she be jealous and resentful towards you because you still have your mom and she doesn't have hers?  She may not be aware of these underlying feelings, that's all the more reason to see a therapist who can help her uncover the layers and deal with what is there.

Your wife does not have to like your parents, but she does need to show them respect.  And as long as they are not abusive to their grandchild or undermining of your parental authority, they should be able to see their grandchild.  Perhaps it will have to be you bringing the baby to see them for a while.  Your parents deserve respect and not ill treatment, and that's something I would not settle for a bit less than.

I do hope she'll see a grief counselor and at some point a family counselor.  Perhaps the one will take care of the need for the other!

[mark1984]

Thanks Kayc, exactly how I feel.  These feelings towards my parents have been there for some time. My mother and her mother did not get along great and I think this is the root of many issues, because now that her mom is gone, she looks at my mom like the one who antagonized her mom..i guess...i mean it wasn't all out war but they did not see eye to eye on many things. They were very coridal in person. They had one or two times when they had little phone conversations that were less than pleasant.  I do feel my wife has postpartum blues...how could she not losing her mother so shortly after.  I have talked to her about seeing a counselor and she states, "there's nothing wrong with me." I myself am seeing a counselor and she knows I see one regarding this issue.   She still doesn't bring it up and doesn't ask too many questions when I get home. 

 

The thing is my wife doesn't look at my parents like people. I don't think it even occurs to her that she hasn't called them once to see their granddaughter.  It doesn't occur to her how much they have done for us, the travel, dog watching, covering at work.  To her, they are "supposed to do that." She kind of takes them for granted.  In addition, my dad and i are business partners where he plans on selling me his business in a few years. I worry that this situation is going to DIRECTLY affect my career now.  I feel awkward because i want them too see my new baby. I want to be with my parents and my baby together and have fun.   I think she does not take into account how much this is hurting them because she is so wrapped up in her own grief.  My parents are the type of people that just re-hash this stuff CONSTANTLY to exhaustion.  I know its killing them inside.  They are seeing a counselor regarding my wife as well.  I do feel like i need NOT let this go, but it is also a fine line that my wifes mother died a month ago and I dont want to rock the boat.  I think if i keep blowing my parents off they will become fed up with the situation, but my wife doesn't seem to be able to handle this situation which is just making it worse! GAHHHH!!!

[mark1984]

Also, do you think its my responsiblity to be addressing the "nitpicky" issues my wife has with my parents. She refuses to tell them how she feels, and gets more angry and there my parents are having no idea why she is upset? SHouldn't she as an adult address her issues wtih them to their face? I refuse to play the messenger as in the past this has gotten ME in a position where both my parents and wife are made at me.!!!!

[MartyT]

My heart hurts for you, Mark, as you struggle to find your way through this difficult situation. It seems as if everyone in your extended family is open to counseling except for your wife. Her statement that "there's nothing wrong with me" indicates her lack of understanding about the purpose of grief counseling. Perhaps you can try some gentle persuasion by finding some articles for her to read (if she is willing even to do that) ~ by way of explaining what grief counseling is all about. As an example, this is taken from my article, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You:

If you’re more comfortable in the care-giving role or feel uneasy with sympathy—or if you see the need for counseling as a sign of weakness or of mental illness— you may be reluctant to seek the help of a professional counselor. Yet it takes strength and courage to let yourself be cared for, and you need not bear your sorrow all alone.

Even if you’re mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need. 

Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the mourning process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief successfully. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.)
 

Since you're seeing a counselor yourself, you might ask if your counselor would be willing to invite your wife into a session with you. (In a recent Q&A blog post, my colleague, Dr. Robert Neimeyer, describes how this might be done. The circumstances differ from your own, but the suggestions he offers might prove helpful to you as well. See Tragic Accident Took Our Daughter.) 

[kayc]

Mark,

You are indeed in a very sticky situation.  I'm a firm believer in "doing what is right" even if it means conflict with a loved one, but I know a lot of people don't handle things that way.  I would definitely take the baby to see it's grandparents, even if your wife doesn't want to come along, that is her choice, but they have every right to see their grandchild, and if they took it to court would likely be granted visitation rights.

I know your wife is grieving and as such, may feel this is all about her right now, but that usually comes with consequences.  Many of us grieving have inadvertently turned people off without knowing it.  Anything you can learn about grieving perhaps you could talk over with her.  You can't force a person to deal with their issues, but you can set boundaries as to what you will/will not take.  It's uncomfortable because conflict usually is.  Your wife and your parents may never get along or see eye to eye, but respect should always be present.  You've already pointed out how helpful your parents are, and she's not seeing it, perhaps if they weren't so helpful she might notice what they used to do?  (I'd talk that over with your counselor before employing.)  

I hope you can get your wife to go to a session with you.  A lot of people lump therapists, counselors, etc. together and have preconceived notions about them and if they can see firsthand how it is perhaps it'll do more than anything you could say.

[kayc]

I want to call this to your attention, it was just brought up elsewhere on this site, and I think it worthy of sharing here, about grief:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/02/common-myths-and-misconceptions-about.html