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Forever Changed


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This is my first post here.  I guess I'll begin at the beginning.

My daughter was 17 when she became pregnant.  Aria was conceived on Prom night and we discovered she was on her way on the day before my daughter's high school graduation.  Aria's father was in and out of my daughter's life and a constant source of stress and turmoil for her during her pregnancy and during Aria's life. 

On January 23, 2016 Aria was born, 3 weeks early due to some complications with my daughter's pregnancy.  She was a healthy 6lbs12oz and she had apgar scores of 9 and 10.  We brought her home on the 26th.  She lived in my home with me, my husband, my daughter (her mother), and my two younger children.  I've stayed home with my kids for the last several years, so Aria was blessed to have both me and her mother home with her all the time.  Aria was rarely set down, we took her everywhere with us and she often slept in our arms. 

Like most newborns, Aria had her days and nights mixed up.  My daughter was exhausted and I was always offering her the chance to nap during the day.   My sister flew in to meet the baby and stayed with us.  We now had three women caring for this little baby (and of course my other kids, 14 and 7).  On the 12th of February I started to get a cold.  I took some strong cold medicine and started to get tired.  I looked over at my sister and my daughter and my granddaughter and told them I couldn't stay awake any longer.  I quickly said goodnight and went to bed.  I barely glanced at the baby and didn't kiss her goodnight. 

I woke up at 2 am, feeling like I needed to change the laundry.  The laundry was downstairs where my daughter sleeps with Aria.  I told myself to let it go, change it in the morning, because if they were actually sleeping I would wake them. 

I was awoken at 7 am on the 13th by my daughter's screams.  Aria wasn't breathing.  My sister came out of the room next to mine, shocked and grabbed my daughter and pulled her into the other room while I called 911 and began CPR on Aria.  My son was out of town, mercifully, but my 7 year old daughter saw everything.  The paramedics came and told us that she had passed.  I screamed at them that she was still warm.  The detectives came, the medical examiner came, someone took my daughter's sheets.  She co-slept, just as I did with her so many years ago.  The medical examiner said that suffocation was impossible due to Aria's positioning but my daughter still carries some doubt, some blame. 

Aria's father stayed around long enough to try to claim some military benefits for Aria's death (he never paid a penny of child support, never met the baby, did not pay for final expenses) and to blame my daughter and I because we were "too inept to put the baby in her crib."  I have no idea if he received the benefits he fought so hard for.  He's gone now, out of our lives for good.  The medical examiner has reserved 90 days to give an official cause of death, the funeral director has told us that whenever it takes this long for an infant it comes back as SIDS but the death certificate still says pending. 

I am destroyed.  My daughter is destroyed.  My younger daughter seems okay but is very blunt about Aria's death.  My son 14 year old son cried hysterically for a couple of days and is now failing multiple classes.  My husband can't understand why I don't just do all the things he expects of me.  He wants to talk about car leases.  I'm not even sure I want to be alive.  I just don't understand why this little girl had to jump the line.  She wasn't supposed to go first.  I have grandmother's still, myself.  If someone would have asked me I would have went instead of her.  No one did. 

Last week I flew my daughter and I off to a tropical destination to get away.  We got sunburnt, saw new things, and cried on a foreign beach or two.  We came home and my husband is being horrible about our 'vacation.'  It's really hard for me to deal with him.  I've come to him a few times and explained how I felt and he says nothing at all.  It's like living with a robot.  I'm not sure our marriage is going to survive this.  I'm barely functional and he is not understanding at all.  I usually end up screaming at him and he tells me to get off my ass and do something productive.  I do the grocery shopping, I take the kids to school, I look at their homework, I do the dishes and the laundry, most of the time. 

Sorry for the essay, thanks for listening.

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grandmajess,

I read your story and I'm in tears.  I am so sorry you lost your baby granddaughter, sorry for you, your daughter, your children.  I don't know what's going on with your husband, but I hope you can get some family grief counseling.  It sounds like it'd take a professional to get through to him, I do know everyone handles grief differently and for him it sounds like he thinks life should go on "business as usual".  Some do respond like that, I know it feels unfeeling.  I hope professional help will help bridge the gap between you.

I'm glad you and your daughter were able to get away and I'm sure she will always remember it.  I hope she is able to lay her doubts and feelings of guilt to rest.  Sometimes we feel guilt when we have nothing to feel guilt about, perhaps we just don't have any answers so our minds search everywhere for any possibilities.  Perhaps once the death certificate is final she will stop blaming herself.

I know things like leasing a car seem trivial when you're in the middle of life altering events, it's hard to care about mundane things like that when your life has forever become "before and after" this event.  Your little grandbaby was loved more than any words can say.

The baby's father isn't deserving of any words or assessment, he's a non-person in this child's life.  That someone would try to capitalize on a baby's death when they weren't even in their life is beyond comprehension.  Karma will come visit him, I'm sure, he's not worthy your second thought.

My heartfelt prayers go out to you, your daughter, and family.  I do hope you'll feel free to continue coming here and posting as you feel the need.

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I want to add, too, that I think now is not the time to worry about what will become of your marriage.  It's hard to make good decisions when you're steeped in grief, I hope you can leave that an open question for tomorrow, not today, and know it will work itself out one way or another.  There is much that needs to be done to bridge the gap, that is for sure, and I don't see that happening without professional grief support for the whole family.  I hope you'll make an appt. today so that you can at least begin to have a glimmer of hope for working through this together.  My best to you and your family.

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