Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[MartyT]

My concern for you, Finch, is that in grief, there is no such thing as closure. You are deluding yourself if you think that doing this will enable you somehow to close the door on this dream that never came true. It is likely that you will mourn the loss of Crystal for the rest of your life, and the love you have for her will live forever in your heart. Closure implies the termination or ending of a relationship, and clearly that is not what you are after. Crystal's life here on earth has ended, but her love and your memories have not died. You can treasure what you had with Crystal privately without ever thinking you must have "closure" ~ and without taking the risk of involving others who may be hurt by your disclosure.

(Out of curiosity, I just Googled "no such thing as closure in grief" ~ Try it, Finch, and see how many articles will come up. See especially Rea Ginsburg's Closure in Bereavement: There Is No Such Thing )

[Finch]

I accept what you are saying. Maybe closure is the wrong word. But there is no doubt that this specific thing has tortured me, and it's something I can tangibly do to address one way or the other, to allow me to focus more on other areas of my grief. In a complex situation where I have had no control, this is one thing I do have control over. Should I just let this specific aspect continue to plague my mind every night?  It is 5am here, I woke up an hour ago because of the same conflict within me, and it's porous into other areas of my life. Don't I deserve some respite from it, finally?Is my pain worth less? I've tried giving it time, but it won't go away. It will be here a year from now, this nagging feeling. Do I just live with it when I can do something about it?

 

Let's take me and my motivations out of the equation just for a moment. Don't you think that a year and a half on, there might be a chance that there will be some benefit to doing this? That they will see these unseen pictures as a priceless gift and be grateful to see them? 

 

Just to clarify, it would not be my plan to  explicitly disclose anything about the relationship. I don't want that. Just to share the pictures as a close penpal, which is already what I presented myself as in the communications I had with them last year. The risk part comes from what they might assume, not from what I say to them.

[Finch]

For what it is worth, I imagined a whole conversation asking her what she thought I should do, and she was OK with it and gave me a big hug.

[Finch]

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Finch said:

Thanks Kay. 

If it were me, I would want to see them. I am asking as I am trying to imagine how Crystal's friends might react were I to share the pictures/videos I have of her with them. But this will naturally make them ask themselves why someone they don't know has all this stuff, given our relationship was not known. And thus possibly change their perception of her. But like you say, maybe they could work through it and it would be worth it to see her laugh and smile in these pictures.

This floored me and it puts a whole different spin on it.  To stumble upon and learn information about your dearly departed is one thing to deal with, but to seek to thrust what you're talking about on others unknowing so that they have to deal with it, that is entirely something else.  I wouldn't do it.  I know you'll do what you want, but that's my honest opinion.  It could inflict a lot of hurt and turmoil, it seems unfair when she's not alive to explain herself.

I don't think it's going to do for you what you think it will. The trouble is, when what you envision comes in contact with reality, it can clash.  I don't know that there is anything that can lend the validation you are seeking for this relationship...the validation was in the relationship itself, and does not need others to validate it. 

I am surprised that your grief counselor would support this...what I read is I, I, I...but there are other people involved.

[DaveM]

50 minutes ago, kayc said:

 I don't think it's going to do for you what you think it will... when it comes knocking in reality, it can clash... the validation was in the relationship itself, and does not need others to validate it.

Finch,
The fact that you posted this rather than moving right into it shows you are conflicted about it. You have doubts. I have to agree with Marty and with Kay -- "thrusting what you're talking about on others unknowing so that they have to deal with it, that is something else."

I do have some small sense of what you're experiencing. My Dana and I loved one another 33 years ago, after a number of years of being co-workers and friends. But distance and other factors sent us in separate directions, into separate marriages, and finally into separate divorces at the same time. We reconnected a year ago this month, and we had a blissful 6 months. BUT. To her ex-husband and their sons I am an awkward factor. They were civil to me, but kept me at as much distance as they could. Although I have offered to share details about her last 6 months, the items we checked and planned for checking off her bucket list, and other (to me) joyful stories, I am held at arms length. I am an unknown, inconvenient detail. One they'd rather not think about. I want to "give" them this, but I know deep inside, all it will do is hurt them. So I will leave them alone. If one day one of the boys comes forward and asks, I will share as much as I can. But I will not force it on them.

Here is in part what led me to this decision. Dana had a stalker, for nearly 40 years. They dated in college, but he was possessive and all-enclosing, and she broke it off. He never let go. He went through two marriages and apparently had 6 kids, but all through the years he kept after her. She probably moved a good 15 or 20 times, between college, grad school and going for her doctorate, and in a marriage to a man who couldn't hold down a job for long. All over the country, west to east, south to north, a year in England and finally most of the last 10 years in Connecticut. This man moved almost every time she did, to be nearby. He reached out to her often. She tried to discourage him, but was always civil. So he never got the message. When she died, I placed an obituary locally because she lived and worked here for 8 years, taught classes at NC State University. I didn't notify her family, but yet the stalker found the obit, and posted the following as a memorial:
"In my dreams you and I are gazing into each others eyes in rapt adoration."  That was in addition to details about his life-long love for her.

Finch, that made me crazy. I knew who this guy was. I knew she not only had no interest, but was actually afraid of him. I contacted the online firm, explained the situation, told them I felt if her sons ever read this, they would be devastated. I only asked them to have him change it. Instead they also found it totally inappropriate, deleted it, and locked him out of posting. I still check her obit here and the one her ex placed in Connecticut every day, to make sure he has not posted anything else.

Please understand I am not comparing your relationship in any way to mine or this, but my horror at what her sons could think or assume about their mother outweighed even my anger at him from my own standpoint. Your Love's secrets need to remain hers and yours alone. In my opinion. I wish you peace.

[scba]

Dear Finch; I must agree with Marty Kay and Dave. 

What do we wish from reality?

A: Hello, my name is ZZZZZ. I'm a widow/er, I loved my husband/wife/partner so much, I miss him/her

B: Oh, I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure you had a beautiful story. Come, sit down and tell me about it.

What happens in reality:

B. Oh, I'm sorry (silence) Hey, it's raining a lot today......

One of the many reasons we are here is that people generally don´t react to our grief and needs coming from our grief the way we want/expect/think. 

Secondly, the validation that some of us are looking in the outside will not come. As Marty and Kay said, it is inside of us. And as each aspect of grief, it is a long and painful road to get there. I wish it wasn't.

Maybe the load you are carrying and want to put on the ground, you may pick it up later and be heavier. 

Those people you wish to give some memory of Crystal, may ignore you. 

Or they may ask about you to her family. I would do that if I were contacted by someone who my friend never told me about, and who tells me he is willing to share memories/pictures/audio of her. I would go to them and ask: Do you know this guy? 

People are not fool and they may find out or suspect the truth about who you were. They would wish to talk to Crystal. Not to you.

On the other hand, If you had contacted them before and they didn´t correspond anymore, their wishes and choices should be respected. 

I know you wish someone from her inner circle acknowledges you were loved by Crystal, that what you have is unique and special. Our needs in grief are important. They are. 

However, we were not given a blank check with our losss. There is a "moral" limit to our choices, which is other's people suffering and their own choices about their way to deal with it. 

Yet, death is an unfair affair.

I wish you peace. 

[Margm]

 

I think sometimes grief makes us unstable in ways we are not happy with.  Somehow or other, this rocked my instability in ways I am not proud of. And, I'm through.

 

[Finch]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

If her family found out about you through some source, if her husband found out (and  you say he knows about you), then in my opinion they should take steps to treat you like the stalker.  Crystal is no longer there.  Her family are the ones to be hurt by your "life with her" which was all on paper.  I know what my Billy would have done, and you certainly would have been validated with closure.  We all have lost someone, and we cannot bring them back.  Like Kay, I cannot believe a counselor in his right mind would tell you to go ahead with your plans.  

 

Thanks for comparing me to a stalker. I know what DaveM was trying to get at with his story, but you are just outright calling me a stalker and also implying that they should 'take steps' to treat me like one, and that I deserve closure in the fullest of terms! (i.e. 'I know what my Billy would have done'). 

My "life with her" as you put in quotation marks, was as real as anyone else's on this website, whether it was on paper, digital or whatever. Maybe it's too "unconventional" for you to fully understand. I get that and it's not easy to relate to. But I also know love is love, and I know what she felt about me. If you have read and understood my story at all then you should agree with this.

You do not know nearly enough about me or my "relationship" with Crystal, or indeed about her "relationship" with her husband, to pass such a judgement on me.  And yes, he knows about me, and he also knows that I know about him.

As evidenced by this current dilemma about contact, I have enough trouble seeking validation for my relationship from those that knew her, I don't expect to have it so ruthlessly questioned like that. 

Thanks everyone for your advice.

This is a complex and unusual situation that doesn't necessarily conform to a usual answer. Please see things from my point of view, just a little bit.

Once again, I really do care about how this might affect them. I AM WELL AWARE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THIS IS ABOUT OTHER THAN ME. That's been my NUMBER ONE consideration, as opposed to MY OWN FEELINGS, because I don't want to hurt the people in Crystal's life. It's why I have spent a year and a half torturing myself by resisting sending any more messages. 

To clarify, my counsellor did not advise me to come out with the full disclosure to her family, or necessarily to send the pictures etc. She suggested that if it is eating me up this much, I should send one more message to Crystal's friend. If I get no response, I should accept it. If I get a response, fair enough.

Thanks Dave for your story, I can relate to some parts of it, especially the bits about your relationship with Dana's husband and sons.

Thanks scba, I understand what you are saying and thank you for acknowledging that my needs are also important. I know I don't have a blank cheque. The problem is, my cheque book is on the table and the pen is in my hand and I'm struggling to put it down.

I am not intending to just write to them and say 'Oh Hello, here are some photos and videos of Crystal and by the way we were in love for 12 years and she kept it secret from everyone'. I would try and be alot more subtle, such as:

'Hi, it's Crystal's penpal from the UK again. We talked several months ago if you recall. I am writing again as I have a bunch of photos she sent me over the years and I really wanted you to have them, just in case you don't have your own copies. I think she would want you to see them. ' etc etc

 

 

 

[Finch]

Sorry for my outburst.

[Finch]

I miss my best friend, I am alone.

[MartyT]

Finch, my dear, I think we all are doing our best to look at this from your perspective as well as our own. By posting here, it seems that you are seeking input from anyone here who cares enough to respond. Some are looking at this from the viewpoint of the bereaved spouse. Some are coming from their own past experience. My wish for you is that you will find a way to remember and to honor Crystal without taking the unnecessary risk of hurting other people. I also wish for the day that you take all the energy you are still investing in your relationship with Crystal and use it to find and develop a new best friend ~ because as long as you hold on to this one, you'll never be open to anyone else and you'll never find the kind of love in the flesh that you need and deserve. Clearly this is your choice, and no one can make that choice for you. But we can see that you are suffering in a swamp of indecision, and we're all trying in different ways to throw you a rope. By the way, you are not alone ~ Everyone here who reads your posts is with you in spirit, and we want only what is best for YOU. ♥ 

[MartyT]

I wonder, too, Finch, if you've ever thought about or considered some ways you could memorialize Crystal. This article is about parent loss, but the content is still relevant: Parent Loss: Singing Their Song ♥

[Widowedbysuicide]

I think most people mean well in the comments and suggestions here.  But personally I think Finch is in alot of pain and not all of what a being said is done so in a gentle way.  Perhaps we could take a moment to review our comments and ask ourselves if the responses would be hurtful if directed at ourselves.  I am not comfortable with this thread in that as a person who is grieving and questioning everything in my life I find some things very insensitive.

Please, let's be kinder towards each other.  If we are hurting someone who is fragile and sensitive by way the presentation of information/opinion and not by the actual meaning of the comment does that make us any less a bully?  I just think we are here out of need for something to hang onto and some kindness is owed to Finch.  Just as it is owed to each one of us when words have been hard.  

Take my post for what it is.  If we can not be respected equally then we are not the people who I hoped/believed we were/are.

Marita

[Margm]

Marita, I am the insensitive person making the remarks.  I have told why and do not want to see this woman's family hurt anymore than they already are.  I will remove my posts, they are my opinion and mine alone.  We all have lost someone who means the world to us and there is no excuse for my being hateful.  I will not reply to any more of these posts, as I do feel strongly about what I have said.  We all hurt in different ways.  Grief does not belong to one person and I am afraid I let my personal life guide me.  I cannot apologize because I still feel very strongly in what I said.  If it was insensitive to others, and I am sure it was, then I have no excuse, because it came from my heart and worry about the family of a deceased person.  I cannot apologize.  But, I do wish I had kept my feelings to myself.  I will watch my words more closely and will not reply if something makes me angry.

Everyone is in a lot of pain and the point is not to cause anymore pain for the deceased loved ones.  I guess my mistake was in not considering him, and considering her family the most.   

[Gin]

Marg,

We are all a bit sensitive to anything related to our beloved.  I know you are NOT an insensitive person.  You have brought much joy and understanding to our group.

[kayc]

Finch, you explained in more detail in your last post, please realize the impression you left us with before that post concerned us.  We gave our opinions, I guess it's worth the paper it's printed on, anyway, you can do what you want, we aren't invalidating your relationship or bashing you, at least that was never in my mind.  I just had concern that other people could get hurt in your quest to seek validation, which in my opinion, your love already validated.  No need to explain or justify your relationship, I know all too well how complicated things can be.  

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Finch said:

I miss my best friend, I am alone.

I know, I'm sorry.

[Finch]

2 minutes ago, kayc said:

Finch, you explained in more detail in your last post, please realize the impression you left us with before that post concerned us.  We gave our opinions, I guess it's worth the paper it's printed on, anyway, you can do what you want, we aren't invalidating your relationship or bashing you, at least that was never in my mind.  I just had concern that other people could get hurt in your quest to seek validation, which in my opinion, your love already validated.  No need to explain or justify your relationship, I know all too well how complicated things can be.  

Sorry. I should have explained more clearly. I see now how it appeared.

It's just so complicated.

Sorry again.

Thanks for your concern Kay.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm not pointing fingers: I said we because at times we all day and do things that may hurt others.  I may have done so myself and I honestly apologize for poor behavior.

@Marg M you are not the reason I made my post.  I'm really sorry you felt that it was you.  I have absolutely no desire to cause anyone any pain.  I see that you are very quick to take responsibility for things that you feel you have done and I don't want you to feel singled out - that would be disrespectful and mean on my part.  I'm sorry you felt the way you did.

We each are entitled to our options and all I'm asking is that we treat each other as we would want to be treated.  We all need a little kindness.