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Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated


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Why would you think she would feel any differently in continued life than she did here, just because her physical body gave out?  They are still the same people.  I know it's hard to make sense of anything when you're new to loss, hopefully it'll be better for you with time.

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Hopefully. I know she wouldn't feel any differently towards me. I just have this recurring fear that because we never physically met or touched, she will be trying to 'find' me but won't be able to. That she will be in distress trying to find me. I know this is irrational, but I have nightmares about it.

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I don't think it works that way Finch. I seriously doubt we use our physical appearances  to find each other on the other side.  You just have to have faith in that. A spirit is a powerful entity connected directly to our heart and soul.

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Some people don't believe in the same things I do.  My son talks to me.  My son used to use every kind of drug that was on the streets.  He even mainlined.  I worried for years I would find him hanging from a tree or an overdose.  He was suicidal all the time and was under a doctor's care.  His kids had been taken away from him.  These things were his own fault, and he knew it.  He worked as a DJ in a gentleman's club for many years.  That was his vocation.  He was good at it.  It was also an easy place to drink and get drugs.  His health has declined, his liver has had to be repaired with the hep-C treatment, but drugs did a number on him.  He got himself off cold turkey, locked himself in his room and backslid once or twice.  One time he told his dad he was going to take the car and go downtown (drugs) and his dad said "okay, but don't come back here."  He did not go.  He worked for a gang that did some pretty gangish things, whatever the hell that means.  One time he was shot and it hit an artery (femoral, I think) and was bleeding out.  He coded twice on the table during surgery.  He said the first time he saw nothing but blackness and it scared him.  The second time it was like he was arriving in a boat with  people waiting on the shore for him.  He said he knew all these people, he loved them, but he did not know how he knew them but they said he had to go back.  

His dad blamed it on the drugs.  He did not believe in supernatural things.  Myself, I believe.  I am not experiencing them, except for the kiss on the forehead I imagined and his telling me that night that "it's enough" and for me to leave the house of fussing relatives (my house).  I left.  

And the first weeks, I could not move anything around, I had to find his wedding ring nugget.  I must have overlooked it a dozen times or less.  My jewelry box is not large.  But I was stuck and could not move anything around in the  house, I got irate if anyone touched anything of Billy's.  Then, all of a sudden it was there where I had looked over and over and over.  I cannot know how it got there, but it was the only reason I could move on.  

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On 17/05/2016 at 6:02 PM, KATPILOT said:

I don't think it works that way Finch. I seriously doubt we use our physical appearances  to find each other on the other side.  You just have to have faith in that. A spirit is a powerful entity connected directly to our heart and soul.

Thanks. I will try. I will try to manage these fears and thoughts and have faith she is with me. At least I know my heart. And she's with me there. I can feel her, right now.

 

Marg, thanks for relaying those things about your son and Billy. I understand how powerful that moment must have been when you found the ring in a place you had already looked. I have many things of Crystal's. Important, meaningful things she sent me over the years. I still have open on the floor the box she sent me at Christmas/Hannukah, weeks before she died, and there are still gifts in it I have not opened. I want to hold onto them because opening them means there will be no more gifts from her.. No more Christmases or Hannukahs for us to share and I don't want that to ever be the case. Knowing they are there... Things she has touched. They give me some comfort. But I also realise one day I have to pick that box up off the floor and put it somewhere. 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi,

 

I am finding things very tough at the moment.

I am due to fly out to Japan on business in two days. 

I have never been on a flight longer than 2 and a half hours in my life, never out of Europe. I am not an adventurous person and have many anxieties. But since I lost Crystal all such anxieties have amplified infinity fold (it feels like).

It was always my dream that my first long distance flight would be to America. To see Crystal and hug her... touch her for the first time. When I finally gathered the courage. Why did I have to be so afraid?

I have immense sorrow that she is not around to see me do this trip. She was always so proud of me when I overcame any anxiety, and was my cheerleader. Every time I got on a flight or went somewhere. I would text her as soon as I landed. She would do the same whenever she went somewhere. I would send her pictures and videos every step of the way. She was always with me. In my pocket.

It feels so wrong to do this without her. I've been constantly telling myself that she would be so happy that I was going to Japan. That she would scold me for not going.

This is the first major thing I am doing in my life without her at my side (metaphorically speaking) since I lost her. It's only been 6 months. I feel so guilty, like I should not be doing it. Like I have to wait a year or 2 years before I do anything. Do any of you ever feel this way? When you need to do big things in your life without your loved one there for the first time? I'm sure you must.

My anxieties and panic are out of control and alot of the raw feelings I felt when she first died are resurfacing. I fear I will panic as soon as I set down in Tokyo and have a heart attack. I have medication.

If she were here to support me and tell me she loves me, I'd feel so much better. 

 

I checked the Facebook pages of her Mother in Law today. It seems the whole family has moved into the new house Crystal was designing before she died. It hurts so much to see her dream house finally built, but without her there to enjoy it with her kids. I'm so angry. I shouldn't have looked. It kills me to do so. I feel so adrift of the things that are happening in the lives of her family that I was always privy to. She told me everything first. I've lost her, and lost any connection to her life that might make the grieving a bit easier.

 

 

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Hello Finch,

Your love story is both beautiful and sorrowful.  From your posts here I believe the connection you share with Crystal continues.  In my heart I want to believe in hope and joy.  I think this is what propels me to keep going each day.  I'm hoping that when we meet our loved ones the joy will be as deep as the grief we now suffer.  I want to share my hopes for the future I want for myself and my husband.  -   She knows what you want her to know, she feels what you want her to feel, and when the time comes to reunite she will have no trouble finding you.  Your hearts will be calling to each other.

I hope your flight was safe and that you are ok.  Crystal is cheering you on.

Marita - today was 28 weeks since my physical husband died.

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Finch,

I am sure she is proud of you for making this flight.  Maybe we don't make changes early on because we want to keep everything the same for them, but life requires we make changes all the time, it's the natural order of things.  I understand your wishing she could have seen her dream house.

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Marita,

this is a hard day for you and I hope you find some peace.  It is hard to do under any circumstance when we lose our mate.  Things get so lonesome.  We have to find some meaning for our lives.  I am still looking.

Gin

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Finch,

i am sure God is merciful and good.  He will do good for you and Crystal.  These questions are present for all of us.  I worry that Al will be with his late wife.  We just have to have faith.

Gin

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Thank you kay, Gin and Marita.

 

Yes, I guess life does present us with changes we have to face at some point. I hope I am ready.

I'm so sorry Marita at how tough yesterday must have been for you. 

 

Flight is tomorrow. I've got all sorts of meds.

I'm so afraid of doing this without her. It's the first big thing in my life in 12 years I will be doing without her. I'm so desperately sad I can't share it with her.

I'm battling so much anxiety and panic, and alongside this just the blanket sadness.

I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it or survive it at all. It's supposed to be part business, part holiday. I can imagine seeing all these amazing things and only being able to think that I can't show them to my beautiful love.

I have to keep telling myself she is proud of me and will be with me in my heart. Will hold my hand.

 

 

 

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I do remember when I've flown internationally how fun it was to fly over Iceland, etc.  It is a long trip but they do what they can to make it relaxing.  That was quite a while ago though, so not sure how it's changed.  I don't like airports though, esp. the changes since 9/11/01, but that's here in the US, it may not be like that other places.

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Flying over Iceland, I can imagine that was quite an experience. I would like to go there one day.

I'm actually starting to feel ok about the flight itself, I think. Though that might be the meds kicking in. Security isn't that much of a hassle in the UK. Not sure about Tokyo. I imagine neither is as stringent as in the US, or Israel.

The sadness though is hitting me hard now as the trip gets closer.  The being in a foreign land, without her just a text away to give me her reassuring words or laugh at my pictures or send her love. She was always there, on my shoulder. I'll feel so alone. I can text my family or friends but it's just not the same.

Any time one of us would travel somewhere, we'd text the other 'Marco', as in 'Marco Polo', to which the other would reply 'Polo'. Just a quick text so we knew the other had landed safely. I'm so scared of how it will feel to want to text her but not be able to. It's made worse because One of the last things she texted me was Polo to let me know she was ok, in response to my Marco, and that she loves me, on one of the last days she was lucid before she died.

It's just bringing back alot of raw feelings. 

I miss you so much Crystal.

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Hi, I am in Japan, landed yesterday.

 

Thank you Marita. And Marty. I really appreciate your words.

 

The flight went OK. It was a smooth flight. I didn't sleep but I managed my anxieties fairly well. My first day in Japan was very busy with business meetings.

As I thought, I do have alot of sadness at all the new things I am seeing, because I can't share them with my best friend.

As soon as I got off the plane and landed on Japanese ground, I wanted to send her a 'Marco' text and tell her I love her.

I wish so much she could see me do the things I am doing. It just feels so off without her. I've never done anything like this. How can my Crystal not be a part of this new experience? It's wrong. Every photo I take that I can't send to her and that I instead send to my family or other friends feels almost like I am betraying her. Because I would always send her everything first. I know that's silly. Every new thing I see. Which is basically everything, because everything is so different here!

 

She loved Snoopy. I had a weird Japanese Snoopy banana chocolate pancake dessert last night. It made me cry. I was sad. But I did also smile a bit because I imagined her laughing and smiling at me eating it. And teasing me.

Today I have a presentation thing that I am doing that I so wish I could tell her about.

She'd be so proud of me for making it this far. 

I love her so much. Please be in my heart.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent this.

 

 

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Know that she IS proud of you!  I'm glad you made it and I hope you enjoy your trip.

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Hi.

 

I'm trying to stay strong. I'm finding this so hard at times.

 

I miss her so much. I hate having all these experiences without her. It just feels so wrong, do you know what I mean?

 

There is so much I want to share with her. I am in Kyoto at the moment. It's such a romantic city.

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HI Finch,

I'm glad you are well enough to post here.  We can not always be strong so try not to be hard on yourself.

I think I know what you mean.  There are things my hubby And I would do together that now I am left to do alone.  Sometimes it makes me feel bad because of the minute joy I get from remembering us doing it.  Other times it is just like having your heart cut open and left bleeding.  I want to feel better and when I start to the guilt and loss stomp me down.  

I keep getting up though.  I wish I could do something to help you.

Marita

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