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Hope in this new life


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I'm just ready to  get out of here.  The porch got painted today.  Petunias planted Tuesday..  (I hate gardening).  Gonna give the house away but want her to be spiffed up before I leave.  (Scott painted the porch).  I had promised Billy I would, but this is okay.  Kelli (daughter) had been in a black mood and painted her bedroom mostly black.  Have been planning on repainting for nine years.  We procrastinate a lot around here.  Billy was the world's worst procrastinator, except when it came to dying. Just gotta leave.

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Connor and I both loved traveling & experiencing new places/cultures.......he'd traveled extensively while serving in the Navy, and I was bitten by the travel bug as a child.  Right now, the thought of travel does not excite me as it did.....Connor was my very best travel partner of all time.....one of the oh-so-many things I miss now!  And, not too many people I know who'd be up for adventuring.....and traveling solo is too daunting for me.  But.....I recently entered a few sweepstakes in which the prizes are expenses paid trips for the winner & a companion.  I figure if it's a free trip for them, easier to find a travel buddy?  Connor and I had gotten new passports just last year......I'd hate to not get my "money's worth" out of mine....ha ha. I suppose entering these contests does show that I have some hopes for a bit of happiness in the future.....at least a willingness to "try to"?  It will be 6 months soon......and I truly WANT to begin to feel some "hope"........a hard task!

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5 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I suppose entering these contests does show that I have some hopes for a bit of happiness in the future.....at least a willingness to "try to"?  It will be 6 months soon......and I truly WANT to begin to feel some "hope"........a hard task!

You may not really "feel" hopeful but sometimes your actions show you actually have hope. I'm certain a month or two ago you would have scoffed at the idea of traveling or entering the sweepstakes. Now, you at least had that inkling of desire. It's a very good thing. And in a way, in spirit, Connor will still be traveling with you.

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I agree, we should let the idea of travelling, change the color of the living room or whatever project shows up in our heads, if for a minute, to be enough. Months ago this wouldn't have happened.

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Months ago I could not conceive of traveling anywhere other than Disneyland and that is only because it really was so important to Deedo.  Our family went there every year until the kids left home and then Deedo and I went without them, occasionally meeting up with them there.  

Now I am planning lots of travels; most with family but the big one on my own.  Of course that is today, tomorrow may sing a different song.

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It is so amazing seeing some of our members learning to adapt to this new life we didn't chose. Recent posts from Brad, Maryann, George and others have truly put a smile on my face. A lot of us joined the forum around the same time and many were pretty much ready to jump off a cliff (emotionally, not literally). Over time, and with much effort, angst and tears those people are beginning to see that there is a life ahead for them, different as it may be.

People who read many of my earlier posts have told me they were extremely worried about me at the time. At the online car community I run, many members there were equally concerned that I might not make it. At times I just didn't care about me. Life without Tammy felt like a life not worth living. What turned my journey around were the numerous and almost magical events that, at the minimum, made me feel there was a possibility that Tammy still exists in some way. It was that hope that opened up my mind and gave me a sense of comfort. I felt like I was able to live again.

Everyone's journey is different. The spark that turns things around for you may be different. It may just be gradual or you may have an epiphany. The one thing I firmly believe is that you must have a measure of hope. Sans that, I'm not sure you can transition from the misery of grief to any sort of fulfilling life on your own.

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Dear Mitch,

Once again, so eloquent.  Those of us who came here around the same time, have spent time watching out for each other, and it is usually others who can first see our progress.  But it becomes TRUE progress to ourselves when WE can see the words coming from US.  I can attest to the roller coaster that grief brings to my life.  I know I have a ways to go.  But I try to keep my eyes looking forward, instead of reaching too much into the past.  I know I am not close to being ready to let go; the thought terrifies me.  But I do find myself smiling more than I have. Having to create a new life that I did not choose is not easy or wanted.  But perhaps there is something I am supposed to do.  I have to see what is in store.

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43 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

But perhaps there is something I am supposed to do.  I have to see what is in store.

That statement alone indicates forward progress, Maryann. Compare that to saying, instead, "I cannot / I don't want to create a new life." Can you see the difference and hear the hope? The willingness to go on? As Mitch says, sometimes the changes that happen in this journey are so subtle, so gradual, that we don't even see them or recognize them as progress. But you ARE moving forward, no matter how slowly. Whether they are baby steps or giant leaps, you are still making progress . . . 

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1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

Having to create a new life that I did not choose is not easy or wanted.  But perhaps there is something I am supposed to do.  I have to see what is in store.

This is what resonates with me.  Not choosing or wanting this, but now have to figure out how to carry on, what to do.  Never made a back up plan, even when I saw it coming closer.  I don't feel a need to 'honor' Steve in some way, my loving him now as much as I ever did if not more covers that.  I am now so aware of all the ways we did that for each other in life.  His death is both a tragedy and act of nature.  I don't see things as a test either, meaning there is some higher purpose.  Nor can I make myself beleive that I will gain anything more than total empathy for others experiencing this.  

So that is my burning question.  What am I supposed to do now that everything I knew and loved is gone?  It's not just him, it was a way of life.  In all this bouncing around, I know I have reached acceptance.  I just don't know what one does from there.  It's supposed to be the ultimate goal, but all it has done for me is show me a lack of purpose.  Unlike some that are making plans, I cannot do that yet.  I'm living this acceptance which doesn't feel good at all.  Plans or things that filled my day came with the contentment of my life.  I am not content.  I hate trying to find things to do.  Ways to fill the minutes, hours, days.  I never had to think about it before.  It was because I felt alive.  I live, but it's almost a hassle.  What should come easily as a living being now takes well thought out planning?  That's just so backwards.  I get told to care about me.  I do but in ways that are so alien.  It takes all I have to get thru a today and then I have to do it over and over.  I miss the flow of not being at all concerned about that because it happened naturally.  I watch the clock tick by and wonder when I became so aware of time.  Tick, tick, tick.  

Yet, I go out there.  No one knows how deep this pain is.  Can't explain it to anyone.  Limits my sociability.  So I cry.  Some from frustration these days.  Often from the silence life has become without him.  

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Gwen,

I can relate to everything you're saying here because I felt lack of purpose for, I think, years, and didn't know what to do, how to live my life without him.  It is something I think we all have to find for ourselves and is undoubtedly one of our biggest challenges.  For a lot of us it's not so much a lightbulb clicking on as it is something gradual seeping in.  Taking a day at a time does seem to take every ounce of strength, esp. in the earlier time.

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Sometimes I don't think people expect us to act like we did before we lost our mate.  I get agitated so easily, then laugh at myself.  The very idea, I came in from buying groceries for these four people.  I come in and someone is on my computer.  My PC.  They are just typing away.  NO ONE gets on my computer.  And, I am not going to cook.  And, I fussed at Billy all the way to the grocery store and home.  (I forgot I had a new laptop).  All I could think was, I sure will be glad when I get my apartment and only have to be responsible to myself..  That won't ever happen.  Oh, I will get the apartment, but there will be someone around all the time..  See, I am just a witch today.  That stuff is gonna happen.  I shut my door.  I keep reminding myself of the man who fussed because he had no shoes, then he saw a man with no feet.  Oh, and another thing, we have three TV's in this house and they pick mine to play games on.  Yeah, I am a witch today, with a "b" instead of a "w."  No, I am not griping at them.  It would hurt their feelings and I am not gonna do that.  I bought plenty of groceries they can fix their own stuff to eat.  I don't cook anymore.  I just packed Billy's Escapee's shirt "Home is Where You Park It."  That boy sure had a lot of clothes he never wore.  I don't think he even knew he had them.  I'm going to plant more red petunias.  I hate gardening.  Am I a grouch or what?

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It's okay to lay down the rules in your house. :)  I give you permission to!

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Here are some inspirational words I've read that may provide a bit of hope for others:

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am that swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
- Autumn Rain - Mary Frye, 1932

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The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

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In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement.
- Abraham Lincoln

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Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.
- A Jewish prayer

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Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love.
- Author unknown

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Our lives become the sum of all whom we have loved. It is important not to waste anyone. One task of living out the last half of life is excavating and recovering all of those whom we loved in the first half. Thus, the recovery of lost loves becomes an important way in which the past affects the present.
- George E. Vaillant

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Our misconception is in imagining that our suffering or how intensely or how long we grieve is a measure of how much we loved. In truth, none of us would want another's grief as a testimonial of their love for us. More likely we would want our loved ones to live healthy, fulfilled lives without us.

Another misconception is that if we truly loved someone, we will never finish with our grief, as if continued sorrow is a testimonial to our love. But true love does not need grief to support its truth. Love can last in a healthy and meaningful way, once our grief is dispelled. We can honor our dead more by the quality of our continued living than by our constantly remembering the past.
- Judy Tatelbaum

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I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
- Gilda Radner

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Grieving is not a short-term process; it's not even a long-term process; it's a lifelong process. 'Having a future' now means that although your life will flow again, it will flow differently as a result of the loss. Your grief will become incorporated into your life history, become a part of your identity. And you will continue now, and forever, to redefine your relationship with your deceased loved one. Death doesn't end the relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship - one based not on physical presence but on memory, spirit, and love.
- Ashley Davis Bush

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It will be the little things that you remember,
the quiet moments, the smiles, the laughter.
And although it may seem hard right now,
it will be the memories of these little things
that help to push away the pain
and bring the smiles back again

- Unknown

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A wound does not destroy us. It activates our self-healing powers. The point is not to "put it behind you" but to keep benefiting from the strength it has awakened.
- David Richo

 

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39 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Our misconception is in imagining that our suffering or how intensely or how long we grieve is a measure of how much we loved. In truth, none of us would want another's grief as a testimonial of their love for us. More likely we would want our loved ones to live healthy, fulfilled lives without us.

I am not sure how to do this "quote this" thing, but I am going to try.  I love all the quotes.  I am so selfish though, I wish Billy had found someone 20 years younger than I am.  I wish he had quit his smokeless tobacco for this person, I wish she had not fixed him so many biscuits and gravy, his favorite food.  I wish he still lived with this other woman so I did not grieve him missing from this life.  I might be angry at him for leaving me, but that is okay, I just wish him healthy and well again, even if it is with someone else.  

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I hear what you are saying Marg. Of course we'd do virtually anything if that meant our beloved soul mate would still be alive. In your scenario though, I have the strong feeling Billy wouldn't have gone for your "plan". He loved and wanted and needed you and you alone.

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I like most of those quotes but some of them seem to contradict others.  It goes to show how we all have a different perception and a different experience with grief, it is unique to us.

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Kay, what I got from most of the quotes I posted was a sense that to move forward in our life we need to celebrate the lives of our beloved and use that as a catalyst in our new life. In other words, at the beginning of grief all we can do is think about our loss as the worst thing that has ever happened (and it is). We're sad, we lament, we long for what we had. In time though and with some effort, we think about and use our love in a different and more positive way.

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Mitch, you have heard the saying that "point your finger at them and they will cry?"  Well, tears came.  That is nothing unusual though..  Yes, when given the choice of another woman or biscuits and gravy, at age 75, I know which Billy would have picked.  Now, when he was 40, that might have been another decision.  That boy loved his biscuits and gravy though, so it might have been a tough decision.  I learned how to make them as good as his mama's.  My only fault was I had to use Bisquick.  He didn't care

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

when given the choice of another woman or biscuits and gravy, at age 75, I know which Billy would have picked.  Now, when he was 40, that might have been another decision.  

That's a tough one.  I know I want Steve alive again.  But a part of me says if he was with someone else, it would still feel this bad.  But I wouldn't choose his being gone from this life either.  We always told each other if we would be happier picking another path, we wouldn't stand in the others way.  At least if he were with someone else I could maybe see or talk to him now and then.  We had separated twice in our marriage and that made a very big difference.  Even in discord, we could communicate.  

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Gwen, I want the old me back.  I want the one who believed in magic things, miracles, wishing upon a star, wishing on a falling star, find a penny face up, putting it in your shoe, all kinds of things.  Seeing the cardinals representing lost loved ones.  Well, funny, there was one cardinal on the porch and he was making a noise we all had to turn around and pay attention to him.  Almost like he was making us look at him.  That was my previous magic.  This time, he was just a raucous bird making an annoying sound.  I miss that part of me.  I miss my magic.  I miss my Billy, but I had my magic before I met Billy, I want it back so bad.  I want to believe in things being messages from Billy to me.  I have seen him, but only as part of a waking up dream.  My mama raised me on fairy tales.  I always wanted to live in a world where little fairies lived under the flowers, under the leaves (but I would not want to step on one).  

Since Billy left, most of my faith left with him.  The magic is gone.  I want to find it again.  I think that I might find it again.  I look forward to it.  

A realist is a person who tends to view or represent things as they really are.  I hate reality shows.  I do not want to be a realist.  

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
Like dreamers do

I want to believe that way again.  Like in Pinocchio.  I prefer animated movies to real movies.  People tell me about movies and they are sad..  I tell them I do not watch those kind of movies..  They say "well, that is life, it represents real life."  I tell them, "I live real life."  I want make believe in my movies.  Life can be beautiful, but right now it has a dark color to it.  I want to see the fluorescent greens, yellows, oranges, blues, purples.........mostly purples.    

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22 hours ago, kayc said:

I can relate to everything you're saying here because I felt lack of purpose for, I think, years, and didn't know what to do, how to live my life without him.  It is something I think we all have to find for ourselves and is undoubtedly one of our biggest challenges.  For a lot of us it's not so much a lightbulb clicking on as it is something gradual seeping in.  Taking a day at a time does seem to take every ounce of strength, esp. in the earlier time.

Thanks Kay.  It is a huge challenge and why I cannot relate to many of the positives I read.  Tho at times I feel some myself.  It's just too early for me.  If anything I am learning is that whatever I feel is where I am right now and that is what I have to live with.  I am learning not to give my mind as much power as I did because it took me places that were detours and quite dark.  I let the thoughts flow, cry if I have to, get angry or in some way try and try and minimize its grip on me.   That is the best I can do right now.  When I get a 'good' spell I squeeze everything I can into it knowing it is fleeting.  Accepting that was a biggie in itself.

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