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JAbernathy

Lost my parents and my husband wants to divorce me

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In October 2015 I lost my step dad and 2 months later in December 2015 my mom died. They were my world and best friends. Now at 6 months later my husband has turned cruel and hurtful towards me. He keeps threatening me with divorce. He goes weeks without speaking to me and when he does speak to me he says the most horrible things you can imagine. I am 31 years old and have not had any children. My brother started using drugs and has had nothing to do with me. My family apart from my brother, are all gone. I feel lost, alone, and as if I've done something wrong to not deserve love from anyone.....

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The Boiling Frog Theory

- Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water...

- As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly...

- The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...

- Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore...

- At that point the frog decides to jump out...

- The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it lost all its strength in adjusting with the water temperature...

- Very soon the frog dies. What killed the frog?

Many of us would say the boiling water...But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out...

We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront / face or even consciously move out/ on...

(I took this passage from here https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140810102814-54131350-jump-or-adjust-the-boiling-frog-theory-mb-1)

And remember grief has no time limit and no one has the right to set the limit for you.

It's only been 6 months you have all the right to griev,cry and mourn over your loss.

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JAbernathy,

Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry.  From my experience, I'd venture to guess losing your husband might be more of a blessing than you can see right now, because right now you're stuck in the loss side of it.  I know how horrible divorce can be to go through, how ripping and tearing it feels, but I also know how horribly painful a bad marriage can be to endure, and quite honestly, when I finally reached the point where I recognized the need to go through it, once I started it wasn't as bad as the pain he'd been putting me through.  The reaching that point, as Mom's angel wisely stated, can be the hardest part...the realization and acknowledging it to oneself.

I am so sorry for the loss of your parents.  It could be that your husband has noticed changes in you and does not have a clue how to handle them...that's no excuse for treating you badly though.  I hope you'll make an appointment for someone that specializes in grief counseling and perhaps some personal counseling as well to help you figure out where to go from here...and recognize your own inner strength which will amaze and assist you every inch of the way.

If ever you just need to talk, you're welcome to come here, we're here to listen and collectively we've got a wide array of experience and wisdom.

I hope in sharing your situation, it brings you the first step of release that you're so needing.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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JA, I'm so sorry to learn of the losses you've endured. Divorce represents yet another significant loss for you, and you're already mourning the death of your parents. This is like kicking you when you're already down.

I assure you that you are not alone, and you are just as worthy of love as any other human being. The challenge for you, as Angel's frog story illustrates, is to love yourself first, to know and believe in your heart and soul that you deserve to be to be loved and treated with respect, and to act accordingly.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved, or even if you want to stay with your husband ~ but I agree with Kay that seeking the advice and support of a professional counselor or therapist is a very good idea.

I want to point you to some articles that I hope you will find helpful. (Note that each article lists additional resources at the end):

Is Grief A Normal Reaction to Divorce? 

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

Coping with Cumulative Losses

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

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JA, Anyone would feel crushed and ripped apart by your recent losses as well as the cruelty and neglect by people should be caring about you. Your situation would make anyone feel lost and alone. You can't possibly have done done anything to not deserve love-we all do. You seem like a nice person who is staggering under multiple losses, and it's just not your fault.

I have also had multiple recent losses-my beloved painting teacher and mentor, my uncle, my aunt, and worst of all my dad, whom I cared for through Parkinson's for ten years while we became the best of friends. My sisters seem to be coping by drinking wine and blaming me for stuff; right now we aren't speaking and that is probably good, as nasty as they have been lately.  Also my friend of 30 years has stopped speaking to me, which has happened before and is a lot more about her than me. I guess you can see how I came up with my user name...I feel like I lost my entire family-and some other people, even though my sisters, like your brother, are still alive, and my friend will eventually be back to being there for me.

Take care of yourself, and be extra careful whenever you are walking, driving, cooking, etc. I think it's good to keep reaching out-like to this forum, to a grief counselor, another professional counselor, etc. There really is support out there, even though you may feel totally alone and lost.

This forum has helped me SO much, and amazingly enough-it's only been a week and I feel much much less alone and less lost...

 

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This broke my heart. I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. You definitely don't deserve to be treated that way - let alone at a time like this.

If you wanted a child, and things don't work out with your husband, perhaps you could look into artificial insemination? I have an acquaintance who is single, and she decided to do that before she lost her opportunity to have children. She also experienced a lot of grief. Both of her parents died when she was younger, and her main family member left was her grandmother. Her grandmother died, and then she decided to go through with the artificial insemination. She always wanted a family most of all. I think she will probably find a good husband one day, and now she has a daughter until then. I think she was pretty brave for doing that, and she absolutely adores her daughter. I don't know how expensive artificial insemination is though, or if it is something you would even want to do, but it is a thought that occurred to me.

I hope that you are able to find some solace.

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Hi. I am so sorry that you went through all this. One of my colleagues is also having a similar problem. So, I can understand how bad it feels. Her husband wants a divorce, but she does not want to separate. Now, she has no option other than hiring a lawyer of France, Bechara Tarabay. I wish that no one should face such trouble.
I hope that now you are better.

 

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