R.Everit55 Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 I'm holding back tears today in front of my two grandsons who I'm caring for. I am missing my bride something fierce. I mean it just hit me more than usual like a Mack truck hitting me into a brick wall. The boys know I'm sad. But I'm trying to keep it at bay and it's so very hard. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear. It's like she just died. But it's been 15 mos. it shouldn't be hitting me this hard now. I don't know. I feel so weak. Butch 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 And I know I shouldn't be complaining here as I've been horrible in supporting everyone here because I've been busy with grandchildren one of which is in the NICU. So I apologize for being selfish 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Butch, you are not being selfish. It is completely understandable your sadness and that it is hitting so hard considering all that you have been through the last couple of months with your granddaughter. You are not weak, I feel you have been doing very well and showing great strength. Believe me, the grief, sadness and tears hit us all at times we don't expect them too. Sending you HUGS Joyce 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Yes, Butch ~ The energy required of you to get through these months and months on end of trials and tribulations is beyond comprehension, and sooner or later your body must pay a price. Please pay attention to your own needs for rest and relaxation ~ the basic stuff, such as adequate rest, exercise, hydration and nutrition. Supporting your family is your primary job right now ~ no need to apologize to us. This is our time to support YOU ~ and I've a feeling that receiving support is far harder for you to accept than giving it to others. Please ~ for us ~ take good care of YOU, accept our love and caring, and know that we are here for you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Thank you. I'm just trying to keep it together for the boys. They are in and out playing outside but they want Grampy to play too so it's a rough day. It's taking all of my energy to try and keep it together. I will have me time when they go to bed. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Ditto what Marty and Joyce said! Never apologize to us! Of course it hits you, you're only 15 months out, not that long in the grand scheme of things. Plus you've had so many things going on in that time, it's distracted you from being able to give full attention to your grief...a fall, heart problems, lost the twins, Gracie's premature birth, your son's accident, etc. That is a whole lot! On top of weather/snow issues. And now you're being a wonderful grandpa. I just wish I lived close by so I could be some actual use to you and your family. It's not surprising to me that you're missing your Mary. Whenever I'm going through a hard place, I miss George, he was the one who always helped me through things. (((hugs))) 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Butch: I feel for you; I have a feeling thinking you shouldn't be feeling bad is very common. I know a woman who lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and is having a really hard time right now. She said, "I'm so tired of grief!" I know how she feels and it's been 11 months for me. It becomes really hard to have to endure this, and I'm always looking for ways to make it better, even though my brain tells me there is nothing I can do but go through it. So sorry you're having such a hard time. So sorry for all of us. Thanks for all the love and support here....warmly, Cookie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Butch, 18 months and counting. Wondering if I am losing my mind. Weak is from the outside world. We come here because SOMEONE understands there isn't a magical finish line we cross. We're not weak, we are the strongest people I have seen to keep going when we felt our world ended and we keep going.....somehow. I always get people saying I hope last week was better fir you. Nope. I don't even care if they get it or not anymore. Takes too much of what little energy we have. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Hi Butch, 6 years here, and that Mack truck still rolls me over some days. In fact on Feb. 21st I had to put her dog down and that smashed me smack into that wall you speak of. He now rests next to his "momma" on the shrine and she has greeted him at Rainbow Bridge, now they are both waiting for me. I have learned to accept it, and go with my feelings, cry my eyes out, or whatever calms me. To tell you the truth I don't think I really want to stop grieving, because that will mean I have forgotten Ruth and no longer miss her. That will never happen as she resides forever in my heart, soul and mind...even as I love again there will always be a place in me for her. Just as my new love will always have a place for her departed husband with her. So no my brother in "grief" you are not selfish, crazy, or out of your mind you are just one of us "missing our loved ones and partners in life". One thing I've learned in the 6 years...it's okay to grieve, and go with it because, I have found if you fight it and try to reason it out things get really jumbled. "May Peace Be With You" NATS 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Thank you all for taking the time and energy to type such supportive words of wisdom. It only reminds me that I'm not alone on this grief journey that is an up and down journey. God bless you all. Butch. ❤️ 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Butch, no need to apologize for being "selfish" for not posting here recently. Selfish, you certainly are not. You were dealing with little Gracie's struggles and being a loving grandpa. Here's hoping you find much comfort throughout your journey ahead. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted April 30, 2016 Report Share Posted April 30, 2016 Butch, I cannot add anything to what has been said, but I feel you have been hit by a Mack truck as a good analogy. So many things have happened to you. We have just gotta say, the only way we can go is up. I'm trying to control my "run on" fingers. We are here. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 My grandsons are in bed and the sobs are finally coming out. For my Mary. For all that angry disease stole from us before she died. For as far back as when our SIL lost my BIL. For when she then passed from cancer. For how hard my Mary fought for her and her brother. For our granddaughters born much too soon who lived only days before joining Mary. And I've held my breath these two months for Gracie praying she makes it. I've I guess let some of that breath out now and it's all engulfing me now. I need my wife. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 1, 2016 Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 I hope the sobs are releasing somewhat for you at least. Sometimes it helps to just let it out. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 1, 2016 Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 3 hours ago, R.Everit55 said: I've I guess let some of that breath out now and it's all engulfing me now. I need my wife. THIS is exactly what people don't understand about losing the person we totally shared our life with. The person we chose above all others to build a life with. My parents, siblings and friends all fulfilled needs, but not all of them. They weren't there to hold me in the middle of the night. I can't think of any situation where my first thought of who to turn to was my husband. Need doesn't even begin to describe it. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted May 1, 2016 Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 That is true Gwenivere. Need does not describe it. Today the pain is really bad for me. I woke up remembering all the little things that I feel like I will never have again. Right now again it feels like I won't survive this feeling. Getting so tired of trying to struggle to get through each day. This really feels endless. So lonely. I keep thinking maybe if I moved, changed the scenery completely, met someone else, etc., it wouldn't hurt so bad. How can you not want to fix this kind of pain and how long can you endure feeling it....even if you meet someone else, it's new. It's not full of all the things that built that wonderful, rich relationship you had and lost. I guess people do find others and are happier than they were(?). So confused about all of this; just want out of this agony.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted May 1, 2016 Report Share Posted May 1, 2016 Cookie, I understand how you are feeling. I'm feeling the same way today, so tired of thinking of all the things that won't happen, remembering all the things that already did happen and just feeling so alone. I don't think moving or meeting someone else would change much right now. For the most part I find comfort being in our home and changing that I think would be horrible. I can't even imagine trying to get to know someone new and not have that feeling of love, comfort and safety that I had before. But you are right, how can we not want to fix this kind of pain? I wish I had the magical answer how we can get out of this agony but I don't, just struggle through this together. Hugs to you Joyce 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 Okay, is it because it is May 1st or is it because I just had to get rid of all of Billy's fly tying equipment? How in this world could I have kept it? How many days did he keep me company tying flies while I worked at my job on the computer? He could have been fishing all the rivers around us but he would not leave me at home working. I didn't care if he went fishing but he just would not leave me. I was not working because I had to, I was working because my job was my hobby. So, I guess he did his hobby while I did mine. Our daughter wanted to put his flies on Ebay and he argued and quit tying them and started doing another hobby, wrapping fishing rods, then she wanted to put them on Ebay. Dammit, that boy did not want to make money on his hobby. And the money I made went for taxes. Cannot turn back time. Anyhow, seems today is a bad day for most of us. I don't know what May 1st has to do with anything, or Sunday, or just being. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 I'm sick. I've noticed when I get hit so hard by grief and miss my Mary more than ever I end up getting sick. It's a nasty stomach virus. Allen is home to care for the boys though he'd rather be with Gracie at the hospital. I'm locked in my room in hopes the boys don't get sick. I hate grief. It effects everything. Butch 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 I am so sorry you are not feeling well, Butch. Please remember to stay hydrated. Gatorade, soups, protein all help to keep our electrolytes balanced. We do this grief work one day at a time. Sometimes we get to move forward and other times we fall back. It's still progress. You know that we are all supporting you. Keep us updated dear friend. Anne 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 Enna is right. Grief drains our health. I remember H.A.L.T. Don't get too HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, or TIRED. Grief can trigger all of these responses. We continue to pray for your healing and recovery as you deal with all of the challenges in your life. Rest and relax as best you can. It helps to be able to share in this forum what rattles around and occupies my head. Take care, Butch - Shalom - George 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 I hope you feel better soon Butch and yes grief makes us more vulnerable if just because our resistance is lower, 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 This is also Nature's way of forcing you to STOP and REST, dear Butch. Just consider what your poor body has been through lately. You've been taking care of everyone in your family. Now is the time for you to turn some of that loving attention onto yourself. Take good care of you, and know that we are sending love, light and healthy thoughts your way ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 Butch, I hope this is a short-lived virus and you get well SOON! It's not surprising to me, you've been doing so much and under a lot of stress. I hope you can sleep today. Sending you warm caring thoughts and prayers! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted May 2, 2016 Report Share Posted May 2, 2016 Butch, I can't add much more to what the others have said, just get better soon and you and your family are in our prayers. Hugs to you Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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