My Mother Passed Today

[Rylee]

I'm so incredibly sad I can't breathe. My beautiful mother passed this afternoon at 12:30pm. (It's May Day).  My brother, my daughter and myself were there with her. It was so much different than I expected it would be. She stopped being able to swallow yesterday and we were told to keep her completely sedated. So we did. She started to breathe funny and was taking a breath and then wouldn't for 2 seconds, then 5 seconds then 9 seconds and then hardly at all. She made some weird noises so we asked the CNA across the street to come help us to know if my mom was passing (because I've never heard that before). The woman took her BP and then told us that my mom was failing and then a few seconds later said she was gone. She just went to sleep and stopped breathing. No noises, no odd movements, nothing. She just went to sleep and stopped breathing. We sat with her while she got colder and colder.  The hospice nurse came and took care of everything and verified that my mother was gone. She called the funeral home and an hour and a half later two men in suits came to get her.  I couldn't watch them put her in the body bag!!!!!!  I couldn't watch them take her out and take her away!!!!!  My daughter, my brother and I went into my daughter's room and waited. I made her turn up the TV so I couldn't hear the noise of the gurney taking her away. 

I didn't know until after she had been taken away that my husband had stood there making sure that they treated my mother's body with dignity and respect. He said they put a white sheet around her, buckled her in and zipped up the bag.  He told me that they were gentle and respectful with her. I'm so glad that he did that for my mother. I just couldn't see her put into that bag and taken away!!!! I'm so sad and upset I can barely breathe. Although I knew that she was dying and I was preparing myself for this event, I still screamed and cried and hyperventilated and nearly passed out because my precious mother was gone. I couldn't talk and I couldn't make the phone work to call people and when it did work I could barely breathe to tell anyone what was going on. Hospice counselor called me to talk but I couldn't talk with her. I just didn't want to. I didn't want anyone to touch me to hug me or anything. I just didn't want to deal with all this. I'm calmed down more now than I was but I'm still completely out of my mind thinking about the fact that my mom is gone.   I keep thinking though that my mom is around in spirit. I don't know if she is but my daughter and my brother have both said they've felt her around.

My brother, my daughter and I went out with a picture of my mother to a place to get her favorite ice cream treat, a hot fudge sundae. We put her picture on the table, put the hot fudge sundae in front of it with a spoon in it and then ate our own ice-cream treats, (We actually went to Yetti Yogurt). We talked about her and cried and after we were done we all took a bite of her ice-cream and told her we loved her. We left and came home.

When we were home we were going to take her bed down but the room smelled so bad of death that we could barely breathe so we aired it out and put some Scentsy stuff in there. We finally got the bed down. We had made my grandson bunk in with his brother so we could put my mom in the room so we have to set his bed back up. Otherwise, we would just let the bed stay up. It won't be until after the funeral that we put my grandson back in the bedroom but still wanted to take the bed down. My daughter said she just couldn't handle seeing the bed up and empty.  She just cried thinking about it being empty. 

Anyway... I appreciate your listening to me. I just hope I will be able to handle this week before the funeral. In our religion, we have special burial clothing and I am going to be one of the people who help dress her. That is going to be SO HARD!!! But I promised my mother I would do it and I take that honor seriously. 

I'm going to miss my mother SO MUCH!!!! 

 

[iPraiseHim]

My heart and prayers are with you.  My mother passed away over eight years ago. and I still remember the day.  My Mom had a stroke three months earlier and her personality, speech, manners, fears all changed.  She was recovering and getting better but she also had Emphysema from years of smoking.  She then had pneumonia and congestive heart failure which was too much for her body to recover.  They put her on a ventilator in the hopes she would gather strength and improve  but it only lasted a few days.  She had a living will and did not want to be living on mechanical machines.  So two days after Thanksgiving the doctors pulled her off the machines.  All of the family was around her bedside but she never regained consciousness. I believe she knew we were there for her. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Ask for plenty of hugs, cuddles, and kisses from your husband because you need it.  let the tears flow. post in this forum, and deal with the grief each day.  Try to get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, and drink lots of good water. Grief work is hard work.  Just take each moment as it comes.  You will have plenty of support, hugs, and love here.  Take care.  Shalom - George

[MartyT]

We hold you and your beloved mother in our hearts, dear Robin. We share in your sorrow, and wish you comfort and strength in the days that lie ahead.  ♥

[Clematis]

I'm so sorry, Rylee. It's really hard. In the beginning I think all you can do is get through it, take care of yourself, and lean on the people who are close to you. When my father died, I had a lot of times when I felt like I couldn't breathe and couldn't swallow. Keep us posted on how you are doing, ok?

[kayc]

Rylee,

I'm so sorry, it's so very hard.  I'm glad you were there for her.  I was with my mom before she died, but not at the time she died, but she was already on her way, I could tell.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you attend to details and get through these next few days.  Try to remember to eat and drink, it's easy to forget but so important to take care of yourself.

[enna]

I am so very sorry to read that your dear mother has passed, Robin. Know that we are here and share in your heartache as you tend to things. Anne

[Rylee]

Thank you all for your condolences. I'm still hanging on by a thread of sanity. This has gotten to be such a nightmare. I keep thinking about my mom and I break out bawling. One minute I'm laughing and talking with family the next something triggers me and I'm crying. I am just so overwhelmed with all that is going on that I had a seizure today. I got slurred speech and dizzy and unable to stand up. I'm ok now but it was scary. I think the stress and the lack of eating properly has done me under. I'm heading for bed now. I have another very LONG day tomorrow.  

Rylee

[T2Logan]

Rylee, I know this will be a very difficult time, but please do your best to take care of yourself when you can even if it is something small such as a snack like a banana, an extra hour (attempted) of sleep, cat naps if you can, maybe take a walk to reflect and have some alone time if that's how you process things. We're here for you.

[kayc]

I reiterate what Logan said, it's extremely important to have self care when we're grieving. We need, after all, all the help we can get and this means sleep, eating, hydration, exercise.

[Rylee]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here. It will be three weeks tomorrow since my mom passed but it seems like so much longer. I'm doing better, but still have moments I can't control my tears. As I said in my original post about this, I had to dress my mom. That was a very good experience. The issues I had been having with my sister ended. We decided to just stop arguing and work together to do the funeral and everything else. We dressed our mother together and then with the help of the funeral director (who also prepared her body for viewing) and one other person I brought with me, we placed my mom in her casket. 

The funeral director did such a good job on my mom and she looked so beautiful I couldn't believe it. I had expected her to look terrible because she looked so awful when she died. It was a relief to see her looking so good. Well, as good as a deceased person can look anyway. She just looked like she was sleeping. I stayed with her the day of the viewing and family was here with us for several days  before the funeral and a few days afterward. Although it was good to have family here, I was very relieved when they left and the house was quiet. 

I still don't want people to touch me or hug me or anything. I don't know why. I miss my mom so much and it's just not getting any better. I don't cry so much but I still miss her terribly. 

Rylee

[kayc]

Rylee,

I'm glad it went well, that she looked nice and that you and your sister are doing better.

If you continue not wanting anyone to touch you, maybe you could see a grief counselor, they might be able to shed some light on it.

The missing them is something we continue to live with but we adjust somewhat.  It's not the same after we lose someone we love.

[Rylee]

Kayc, I've never been like this before. I have always liked to have hugs and other forms of affection but right now I want to be left alone and when someone touches me it almost stings. I don't know how to explain that. I just feel like I'm going to crawl the walls if anyone touches me. I don't really want to hear anyone's voice either if I don't have to. I just keep feeling like packing all my things, and heading out where no one will ever see or hear from me again. I hate this feeling. I think I need to see a grief counselor but I don't have the money to do that. Hospice was supposed to call me and set up something but I can't get hold of them now that my mom is gone and no one has called me back. I don't know why. I leave message after message and no return calls. I don't know where to go for help that I can afford (which is really nothing at this point). 

 

[MartyT]

My dear, it disturbs me to think that the hospice that served your family is not returning your calls. In an earlier post you said that a hospice counselor called you shortly after your mother died "but I couldn't talk with her. I just didn't want to."  I hope that doesn't mean that this counselor won't be checking in with you at a later date to see if you've changed your mind. If you don't have the energy or the inclination to call again, is there a friend or family member who could make a call on your behalf? Perhaps it wasn't made clear to someone in the bereavement office that now you are wanting to take advantage of their services. 

From what you've shared with us, you had a funeral director who was sensitive to your needs. You might consider contacting him to ask about whatever bereavement services are available in your community.

As mentioned in Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You, nowadays there are many sources of grief support, many of which are offered at no cost to you ~ but you must make an effort to find them. I hope for your sake that you will try ~ or at the very least, ask a trusted friend or someone in your family to help you find them.

[kayc]

What you've described (not wanting anyone to touch you, wanting to crawl the walls, a stinging-like feeling, I haven't heard of that before,you might want to check with your doctor, it may or may not be related to your grief, but it warrants getting checked out.  

[noreen w]

On Monday, May 02, 2016 at 1:51 AM, Rylee said:

I'm so incredibly sad I can't breathe. My beautiful mother passed this afternoon at 12:30pm. (It's May Day).  My brother, my daughter and myself were there with her. It was so much different than I expected it would be. She stopped being able to swallow yesterday and we were told to keep her completely sedated. So we did. She started to breathe funny and was taking a breath and then wouldn't for 2 seconds, then 5 seconds then 9 seconds and then hardly at all. She made some weird noises so we asked the CNA across the street to come help us to know if my mom was passing (because I've never heard that before). The woman took her BP and then told us that my mom was failing and then a few seconds later said she was gone. She just went to sleep and stopped breathing. No noises, no odd movements, nothing. She just went to sleep and stopped breathing. We sat with her while she got colder and colder.  The hospice nurse came and took care of everything and verified that my mother was gone. She called the funeral home and an hour and a half later two men in suits came to get her.  I couldn't watch them put her in the body bag!!!!!!  I couldn't watch them take her out and take her away!!!!!  My daughter, my brother and I went into my daughter's room and waited. I made her turn up the TV so I couldn't hear the noise of the gurney taking her away. 

I didn't know until after she had been taken away that my husband had stood there making sure that they treated my mother's body with dignity and respect. He said they put a white sheet around her, buckled her in and zipped up the bag.  He told me that they were gentle and respectful with her. I'm so glad that he did that for my mother. I just couldn't see her put into that bag and taken away!!!! I'm so sad and upset I can barely breathe. Although I knew that she was dying and I was preparing myself for this event, I still screamed and cried and hyperventilated and nearly passed out because my precious mother was gone. I couldn't talk and I couldn't make the phone work to call people and when it did work I could barely breathe to tell anyone what was going on. Hospice counselor called me to talk but I couldn't talk with her. I just didn't want to. I didn't want anyone to touch me to hug me or anything. I just didn't want to deal with all this. I'm calmed down more now than I was but I'm still completely out of my mind thinking about the fact that my mom is gone.   I keep thinking though that my mom is around in spirit. I don't know if she is but my daughter and my brother have both said they've felt her around.

My brother, my daughter and I went out with a picture of my mother to a place to get her favorite ice cream treat, a hot fudge sundae. We put her picture on the table, put the hot fudge sundae in front of it with a spoon in it and then ate our own ice-cream treats, (We actually went to Yetti Yogurt). We talked about her and cried and after we were done we all took a bite of her ice-cream and told her we loved her. We left and came home.

When we were home we were going to take her bed down but the room smelled so bad of death that we could barely breathe so we aired it out and put some Scentsy stuff in there. We finally got the bed down. We had made my grandson bunk in with his brother so we could put my mom in the room so we have to set his bed back up. Otherwise, we would just let the bed stay up. It won't be until after the funeral that we put my grandson back in the bedroom but still wanted to take the bed down. My daughter said she just couldn't handle seeing the bed up and empty.  She just cried thinking about it being empty. 

Anyway... I appreciate your listening to me. I just hope I will be able to handle this week before the funeral. In our religion, we have special burial clothing and I am going to be one of the people who help dress her. That is going to be SO HARD!!! But I promised my mother I would do it and I take that honor seriously. 

I'm going to miss my mother SO MUCH!!!! 

 

There is no one to ever take the place of a loving mother.  Her love will always be there, but the loss does leave a huge void.  I am so sorry for you.

[Rylee]

I want you to know that I have read everyone's comments here and I appreciate all that you said and your concern for me. I feel that same way when I read other's stories and see just how many people have lost their loved ones. It's just unreal sometimes thinking about how many people die. 

A week after my mom died my mom's baby sister died. She died on mother's day. It's been really hard for the whole family to lose both of them so soon together. :'( 

I hope that somehow I can help someone else who comes here to get help. I know being able to talk to everyone here has helped me a great deal. I want to help others too if I can.

Rylee

[kayc]

Oh Rylee, I am so sorry!  My mom died two years ago and along with her, her brothers are going.  It's hard to see the end of an era!  I still have an aunt and uncle, but there'd once been EIGHT kids in her family!

I'm sure you'll be of great help to someone that comes here, having been through it yourself.