If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

Another day that has no meaning.  Everything is so empty.  No desire to do anything.  Little hope for anything better.  I will force myself to go somewhere today, even if it is just to the mailbox.  My few friends have mates or are busy.  Tomorrow is another day.

[Margm]

On 12/9/2017 at 4:18 PM, Gwenivere said:

because of the meds given to your daughter.

I need to clarify this.  My granddaughter, at this time, wants nothing to do with her biological mother because she was a street drug addict, was put in jail the last three months of pregnancy, which for us, for my granddaughter, we were fortunate.

Sometimes I write too much information and then I feel guilty talking about family.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, so your grand daughter is your sons daughter?  All in all, tho, her bio mother could have done so much more damage.  I feel for her and what life dealt her as she is an innocent caught in the choices made by her parents.  Much of my family was addicted to alcohol and had access to many prescribed meds as they so freely given out in the 60's.  Now the tables have turned and people that really need pain meds can't get them or enough.  Xanax is under that umbrella too.  It took me months to find a doctor who would prescribe as the DEA has put the fear of god in them.  My old doc said f*ck 'em, I'm the MD and I know my patients.  He could spot a drug seeker a mile away.  We had to sign contracts for testing and he mostly used that for finding patients who didn't have the meds in thier system and might be selling them.  He was the most compassionate doctor I knew with only one rule.  Lie to me and we are done.  I don't blame him at all for that mind set.  

[Margm]

No, my daughter was the nurse of the biological mother in the hospital.  She brought her home from the hospital.  She was adopted.   

I understand that about the Xanax.  I count mine all the time.  I don't go over the two a day and I am sure by now I am addicted.  I took them years ago when I had cancer, took them seven years  .  I knew how to coast off them and never had a moment's withdrawal.  Amphetamines.......took years to break the "wanting the drug" habit.  But, I went off cold turkey.  I went a little crazy and wound up in the hospital. I'm not afraid of the Xanax.  An amphetamine would kill me.  

[Margm]

Today was melancholy.  I did talk to a woman in the card section at Walmart.  I mentioned that I missed getting my husband a card.  She lost her husband five years ago.  She has one son in Texas that is coming in for Christmas.  We talked a long time.  When we finished, she told me it was nice to talk to someone like minded.  We hugged.  I appreciated it.  I might add, at our age, back in our days, we would have gone to different schools.  I don't want to "Make America Great Again" if it means going back to the days of "The Help" and it is my opinion, and only mine, that the USA and friends of mine would like it to be like that.  Not me.  

On the way home, The Oakridge Boys, that I had bought a $5 CD from last week, it melts through the wax in my brain.  I did cry at one.  But, I did listen to it.  Two years ago I did not listen to music.  Sometimes I wonder, but like our fellow said, one foot in front of the other.  

Oh, you're always in my heart
And you're often on my mind
I will never let it die
Just as long as I'm alive
Sometimes it makes me sad
That we never said goodbye
Oh, I guess it never hurts
To hurt sometimes

(I know this music is not for everyone, but consider the source).  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Today was melancholy.  I did talk to a woman in the card section at Walmart.  I mentioned that I missed getting my husband a card.   

It’s those little things I miss too, Marg.  $3 for a card.  Pasting a sticky note on his mirror saying I love you or some silly thought.  Catching him in some goodies I had stashed away.  We had stopped doing big gifts years ago because I didn’t know what he needed or wanted for his tech or music interests.  I never really had any wants, which was becoming frustrating for him.  But we sure lived for the little things.  As others mentioned, watching our favorite TV shows or a movie.  Chatting during dinner.  Every now and then something tangible.  So much that cost nothing but made life so meaningful and happy.  

 

[Margm]

My "new friend" (I will probably never see her again) mentioned some of the same things.  I used to think Billy had to "surprise" me (when we were first married) with a new gift each important date.  He did not do these things.  My dad did.  He always surprised my mom, who once looked at a blouse he had bought her, asked how much it had cost, he told her and she said "I could have made it for 70 cents."  It did not deter him though.  But, Billy was not my dad (and in some ways I was very thankful).  He was a wonderful father, grandfather, and I grew to not care about surprise gifts.  It quits being a surprise if you have to hit them on the head with the catalog with the pages turned down.  We did eventually go with each other and pick something out.  I found in later years that I did not want "things" but he became a kid again and wanted presents.  That tickled all of us.  Holidays became about him.  Myself, I came to dread holidays because I was supposed to say what I wanted, I wanted nothing, if I wanted something I would buy it.  I became the original Grinch, not money saving, just holiday ruining.  Like this year, I told my son to get me a calendar.  I packed so many things they had bought "Billy the Kid" that he had never looked at again after getting them.  I dread holidays, not just because he is gone, but I always dreaded them.  (Except when I was a kid).  I remember finding my "Evening in Paris"  perfume way before Christmas. (I was a teenager)  I would put it on before dates.  It was half gone at Christmas.  Mama thought it had evaporated in the closet.

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

  (Except when I was a kid).  

 

My fondest memories related to Holidays are attached to childhood. When I was no more a child, and big family became more complexed, Xmas and New Year didn't make sense anymore. Probably because the big family, the big table, the many guests became smaller and smaller, because of death, divorces and dislikes among adults.

My fondest memory is from my grandfather dressed as Santa Claus bringing a red bike for me. I'll never forget.

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Pasting a sticky note on his mirror saying I love you or some silly thought.

George used to put post-it notes all over the house with a love note and smiley face...I have one in front of me right now.  He'd hide one in the utility room cupboard.  One in the closet.  One in the bathroom, always some out of the way place where I'd find it.  I miss that.

[Margm]

In the grief group that I attended about three times, on this group, in the many books I have read about widows and widowers, I find they journal each day.  I came across a journal I tried to keep the first week/month/days, reread what I wrote, and it ripped the built up scar tissue down to bare skin.  What works for one person does not work for others.  I can listen to music again.  I could not do that the first year.  I could listen to Broadway show music (Billy hated that kind of music), my granddaughter more than loves it, she has each word memorized.

Now to the journal that I cannot keep.     Well, "old Scrooge," what do you think you have been doing  with your many "word salads?"  Sometimes you have to be hit in the face with the truth before you can see the mountains you have climbed. 

[scba]

You are not alone on that Marg, I couldn't write a journal, and whatever email, post or word written about, I cannot re-read them. Sometimes I did and I could not comprehend that was the life I have-I am living. Like "it cannot be true". 

Also, I cannot read email nor text messages from when he was alive, his letters, anything. It truly breaks my heart, it makes me wake up to fully comprehension about the distance that separates "before" from "today"

Somehow "I know" and "I remember very well". I am very aware of what I lost forever.

 

[Margm]

Ana, I went back and read the first note that I had written on this forum.  I didn't know how to find it.  Finally I did.  That was this month that I read it.  Just that one post.  I have a tendency to bleed my feelings all over everything and even cold water won't remove them.  I will say that it actually did not bother me.  But, like you, I don't go back and read my notes (as anyone can tell),  but if something bothers me, if I put too much information, and most times I do, I will delete as much of that information as I can.  Things about my family, about Billy's family, I know he would not like me telling.  I have done it, but I won't go back and find them.  Sometimes I need a transfusion I bleed on here so much.

1 hour ago, scba said:

Somehow "I know" and "I remember very well". I am very aware of what I lost forever.

 

Could not be more true.

[TomPB]

I keep a journal. It started as hand written but I type so much faster I've mainly switched to a file on my macpro. My grief counselor is VERY strong on writing and I mostly do what she suggests. I write to Susan, AND I write her replies. I've written the conversation we might have had if we had 5 min to say goodbye. Since I've spent a lot of time regretting where I could have been more loving, she has me making a list of what I DID do, and I'm constantly updating it. She suggested I should write a note and put it in our stocking, and I'm going to do that. She suggested I put a note with the Christmas decorations when I put them away as sort of a time capsule for next year. 

The writing makes me cry. She and others tell me that it's good to be in touch with my feelings, like I might otherwise avoid them. LOL I don't know how  to NOT to feel it, I think about Susan constantly.

Before 3/31 I kept a very irregular journal, with big gaps. It's really hard for me to read that, since I'm sometimes complaining about Susan, which feels horrible now.

[kayc]

I think this is journaling with response, so we aren't just getting our feelings out on paper, we're learning along the way, from others. Keying is easier on my hands too Tom!

[Cookie]

Marg:  I have struggled with fear and anxiety a lot since John died.  It started actually right after he died.  It's changed but in some ways worse, this, now, 2 1/2 years out.  I've come to realize it's definitely related to losing John and it just cycles around.  So sorry it's happening to you...Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 1:33 PM, Gin said:

Another day that has no meaning.  Everything is so empty.  No desire to do anything.  Little hope for anything better.  I will force myself to go somewhere today, even if it is just to the mailbox.  My few friends have mates or are busy.  Tomorrow is another day.

I know what you mean, Gin; it's hard....sometimes I feel the same, and it seems like everyone where I live has a mate except me sometimes; I'm surrounded by couples!

[Gwenivere]

Cookie and Gin......it’s not all couples around me (but enough of then).  What it is is surrounded by people feeling life and living it.  I exist, but I don’t feel I am living anymore.  Won’t be able to blame the holidays much longer.  That scapegoat will be gone soon.  That will make it hard again to be around people as you kinda get a pass this time of year.  

[TomPB]

17 hours ago, Cookie said:

I know what you mean, Gin; it's hard....sometimes I feel the same, and it seems like everyone where I live has a mate except me sometimes; I'm surrounded by couples!

I feel that big time. Last summer going to the beach I felt like screaming "Doesn't anyone else go to the beach by themselves!?"

[Margm]

“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?"
"Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

My sister never married.  She was a beauty.  She won beauty contests and would accept nothing less than an A in all of her degrees.  I do not know how many she has, but she was a few hours short of her PhD when she started having to take care of our mom.  She did it admirably.  She had one man she almost married.  But she didn't.  She is more or less a hermit and that is the way of life she chooses.  I told her about Norma, Selma, Brian, and all the other people who live around me.  I have been here now since 2016.  She told me "you already know more people than I did in any of the places that I ever lived."  You all look at other couples and remember, and are haunted by the loss of our loved ones.  She looks at other couples when she eats out alone and thanks God that she did not get into such a situation.  Billy was always her "brother."  We married when she was 10.  We attended her basketball games (she was also exceptional in this).  But, I begged her to get a companion, I didn't care if it was male or female.  Mama was in the throes of Alzheimer's for at least 11 years, but honestly, we never were sure when it started.  Myself, I think she suffered from postpartum depression from the time she was 29 years old.  That was when her mind went downhill, or zig-zag, or completely off the road.   We are close.  I will do anything I can for her and vice versa.  

Maybe it is true you don't miss what you never had.  

I don't look at other couples in any other way than to think "Oh, I'm so sorry, but one of you will be hurting and I so hate that."  But I think my age plays into this thought.  So many of my friends have already lost their husbands or wives.  Some remarried.  

[scba]

29 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Maybe it is true you don't miss what you never had.  

Maybe.

At the same time, I miss our dreams, those which will never come true.

 

[Margm]

Ana, I was talking about my sister.  I miss what I had for 54 years every minute of every day.  

[scba]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I don't look at other couples in any other way than to think "Oh, I'm so sorry, but one of you will be hurting and I so hate that."  

I look at them and think: "Why it was taken away from me?" and "Why you still have it?" (not proud of this)

It's pain who is thinking...

----------------

Sorry Marg, I didn't understand that was about your sister. 

[Margm]

No problem Ana.  You had a life to look forward to.  Believe it or not, Billy and I were fixing to implement the plans that we had made nearly 20 years before.  We bought the new RV in March 2015.  He was sick, I am sure, but you did not hear a peep out of him.  We had a new hitch to keep the RV from swaying.  It was heavy.  He picked up that thing and hooked it up more than once like he was a 30 year old man.  Billy's ego would not let him get old.  My mind is brimming over with plans, with things we had done, with kids, grandkids, great grandkids.  We lived a life only a few of you got to live, and I am so sorry that your plans were never fulfilled.  I am at the point now in my grief that I can look back on the many things we did that were right and the many things we did that were wrong.  On a scale, the right things far outweigh the wrong things and he was the most precious human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing inside and outside, good and bad, unforgiving and the forgiving.  I could write all day.  No he was not perfect............but he was perfect for me.

My love life began when I was 15 during school assembly.  I did not know Billy.  I probably was not even dating, and I have put this on here before.  I am so sorry you all did not get to experience a long life with your love.  I was a 15-year-old sophomore listening to Mary Collier, a senior sing from "The King and I" and she was dressed as an old woman singing to two young lovers and smiling.  I cried my heart out through that whole song.  I didn't know it, but nearly 60 years later that would be my song.  So no, I do not look at young or old lovers with anything but worry.  You all did not complete your love life.  I was not ready to quit mine either, but I had no choice,, even though I tried.  I saw an old man and woman holding hands coming out of the Christmas store at Walmart's today.  They were so old and round and roly-poly, they were adorable.  I did not even think about either losing the other.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do
Don't cry because I'm alone
All of my memories are happy tonight
I've had a love of my own

I've had a love of my own, like yours
I've had a love of my own

[scba]

14 minutes ago, Marg M said:

You all did not complete your love life. 

Two years ago, a religious man told me: "You will meet him again and live a life that will have no end"

He wasn't from my religion, I don't practise mine. But somehow I still remember his words and hope they will be true. And that my love life wil be completed, though later.

 

[Gwenivere]

I understand what you are saying, Ana.  I think it is normal to feel why us?  We were just doing our thing, not bothering anyone, happy and not realizing  that each of our interests were founded in being with someone we love and was our best friend.  I don’t question why others still have it, but I am painfully remind me of what I have lost.  Did I take it for granted?  At times, yes.  Who could ever fathom the end?   It’s just not in our nature.  He would always be there was an unconscious foundation in my mind.   Now that he is not I see the countless ways we interacted.   The hardest for me is not what we physically did to run our lives, tho I miss that strong guy, it is not being able to talk about anything anymore.  The state of the world down to want to share some popcorn?  Miss the jokes and hugs.  The leaving knowing we would be home together later.  I’m sitting here right now on an iPad when I never needed nor wanted one because there were things to do like lunch together.  Now I stare out the window as I sit alone.  Yeah.....why us?